Mouse With a Roar

The reason for this blog entry is twofold: 1. I want to update everyone with the great adventure Jeremy and I have been living the past year and a half; and 2. I am submitting this into a contest for author Don Miller’s “Living a Better Story” seminar taking place in Portland next month. Here is what the contest is all about:

You can find out more about the “Living a Better Story” seminar here: www.donmilleris.com/conference

Here is how Jeremy and I  started living a better story, and how we want to continue doing so…

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“Put in your two weeks’ notice at Red Robin. You’re going to have more work than you know what to do with.”

Those are the words God spoke to my husband, Jeremy, in a half-unpacked office just past midnight.

It was March of 2009, and we had just moved into a friend’s house in order to save some money. The economy was starting to affect our finances, and Jeremy and I signed over our lease at our apartment to a complete stranger because we had an inkling that we would no longer be able to afford it.

Jeremy had been struggling. Back in September, he had opted not to return to film school since tuition for non-residents of Colorado were too pricey; he padded the sting of reality with the reasoning of any logical 26-year-old husband by saying, “Besides, it would be a better investment at this point to put tuition money towards filming equipment and train myself.” Which is perfectly good reasoning. But I could tell that’s not exactly how he felt.

My husband’s dreams were still there. He had always been a dreamer while also being a jack-of-all-trades. In high school, he played soccer, football, dabbled in photography, wrote stories, and played guitar to name a few. Since then, he always struggled to pinpoint exactly what he wanted to do in life. But he had passion. And in recent years, he had discovered a definitive niche for media and film; he desired to see the culture of media today shift in a positive, inspirational direction. But how?

Then came the clear, concise thoughts from God.

A call to quit his serving job. A call to spend time diving into the things that make him come alive. To learn how to harness media and make it into something meaningful, relevant, and challenging in this culture. To pursue his dreams that were still unfolding. To stop waiting for the right time and just do it.

A couple hours later, after Jeremy had gone asleep, I woke up in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason. I was wide awake and bewildered since being pregnant had made me a deeper sleeper than ever before. And just seconds after I stirred, Jeremy woke up beside me and asked if I had dreamed at all.

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well… Here’s the thing. I felt like I had to spend time praying tonight, and I felt God tell me to put in my two weeks’ notice at Red Robin. That I’ll have more work than I’ll know what to do with.”

I laid there in silence for a moment, propped on my elbows with my growing belly under the covers. Then, I remember saying with a smile on my face, “Well then, go for it.”

We had NO money. I worked at Starbucks and a music school part-time, and that covered barely half of our living expenses. Not to mention the medical bills that were only just beginning to pile up with prenatal visits. So where was this idiotic sense of peace coming from within me? I’m still not sure to this day. But I knew at that moment that God was calling Jeremy and I to something greater than what we were living and being at the time. And I knew that if I turned the other direction and ran from it, we would miss out on something really, really big.

So we went for it. Jeremy quit Red Robin and started his training days at “Crazy-Go-Nuts University,” studying tutorial after tutorial online, learning as much as he could about web design, graphics, film editing, and what-have-you. I spent my days serving coffee, budgeting our groceries out of my weekly tips, and growing a baby.

Out of that season, a little seed called Studio Mae was planted into our minds. The jack-of-all-trades in Jeremy never quite left him; he didn’t want to focus on just one thing when it came to our media studio. He envisioned documentaries, back-pack journalism, podcasts, short films, radio broadcasts, magazines… the list kept growing. And I kept finding a desire to help with design, writing, and music composition. We both wanted to find every way that we could give a voice to the issues of this world and support the journeys of others living lives of love, joy, compassion, and inspiration. And since then, the vision of Studio Mae has flourished into a company that features media, arts, and entertainment to create a “new media culture.”

Alongside that, our faith has been flourishing, as well. If there was any time to get us on our knees and depend on God for every single thing – from mountainous medical bills to loaves of bread – this has been the time. If there was any time to jump into a sea of beginnings and learn to swim in it without water-wings – this has been the time. It’s also been a time of refining our characters individually and as a couple; we have learned to listen to each other and serve each others’ needs more than ever. In fact, the biggest miracle in this entire journey just may be the fact that despite the hardships we’ve faced in the last 18 months, our marriage has never been stronger. Our love for God, for our family, and others has never been deeper. And the best part is – by His grace, we’re still growing.

We’re still broke. We have been living in the grace of God’s provision through odd short-contract jobs and the blessing of families and friends around us – but we’re still just getting by. To top it off, our lease is up at the end of the month, and our landlord is selling the condo so we have to move out… but have yet to find a new home. And I find myself writing all of this with a smile on my face because I know God is about to come through in a big way. That would not necessarily have been my perspective 18 months ago. Somehow, someway, I know that God is going to provide a way for us to continue pursuing our passions – to live our dreams – and pay the bills at the same time.

In all of this, some people may say that having a baby in the midst of quitting a job and kick-starting a company is beyond foolish. I would beg to differ. Beyond crazy perhaps? Absolutely. At 12:30am on September 10th, 2009, just 10 days after we moved back into our own apartment, I went into labor. Nine hours later, our boy Gideon Leo was born. And our world continued changing. Along with our own business, our grappling with the story of our lives, we added another character to our novel. His name, Gideon, was chosen for the biblical meaning “Mighty Warrior” – yet we’ve realized how much the biblical story of Gideon has been a part of our everyday lives.

Gideon may have been the very least in his clan, but God used him and a handful of other wanna-be warriors to bring down the gigantic Midianite army. Gideon knew he had no way in Hades to accomplish such a feat, and therefore had to ask God for proof – twice – before he could be sure God was actually serious about His plans. But God provided victory for Gideon. And I know that even with all the times we’ve asked for confirmation, and all the times we have told God “There’s no way we can do this!” – God will do the exact same thing for us. After all, Studio Mae really is God’s vision over our lives that He is unfolding.

Yes, it has been financially harrowing; and raising a newborn has taken a gripload of time and energy. We quickly came to terms with the fact that like Gideon, we are warriors in this fight, but can’t make any of this happen in our own strength by any means. In the midst of it all, God has taught both Jeremy and I so much about His power, provision, and peace through having our now 11-month old Gideon our lives. It has shown us first-hand what “childlike faith” looks like. Gideon has absolutely no worry of what he’s going to eat or where he’s going to lay his head down at night. All he knows is that his Mama and Papa love him, and they both take care of everything he needs. Jeremy and I discovered the same thing about God; He delights in providing for us, and never wants us to worry. He provides it all – including victory over our obstacles.

So here we are, with this story unfolding in front of our eyes. I feel like we are closing up the prelude, and God is about to begin writing the first chapter of our adventure with Studio Mae. But we could use a little help. Studio Mae started with a passion for media, the truth, and entertaining. The vision of what it may look like in the future is still taking shape. Over the past year and a half, we have taken the steps to live a better story – and major steps of faith that has brought us closer to where God has called us. It has not been without it’s peaks and valleys, supporters and nay-sayers; but through it all we cling to the dream that God has given us. Going to Don Miller’s “Living a Better Story” seminar would be essential to this part of our story because it’s still just beginning, and we need all the tools and encouragement we can get to continue living it out.

We’re excited and full of anticipation. We can’t wait to flip the page into the next chapter. Because this is our adventure. This is our life. This is our story.

(p.s. To take a peek at what God has shaped Studio Mae into so far, check out https://www.StudioMae.com)

(Originally written 8/23/2008.  Age: 25)

(Today’s note: These are reflections following a miraculous teaching job I received only through what I believe is God’s timing, a lovely place called Children’s Music Academy. 🙂  I am still blown away by how faithful God is.  Not just for finances… really fulfilling the desires of our hearts as well.)

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You know… there are so many times when we doubt and doubt and doubt and try to take control of something just because we can’t see far enough in the future… when God knows what’s best the whole time. The more we question Him, challenge Him, the more He’ll draw away. 

It’s through experiences like these that I find God doesn’t necessarily want us to know the future. If any detail is given away, then that just gives us more fake ammo to try and tackle the world on our own — without His help — and we all know we can only go so far that way. Even if we go far by the world’s standards, I highly doubt that we’ll be happy.

And if we put our security in money, accomplishments, and success — the “biggies” of the world — we will surely be let down. Those don’t bring any fulfillment. Sometimes I wonder if God allows those things to be taken away — not as punishment — but because He hopes that we will turn to Him.

If and when we lay our lives down and say, “Alright God… I don’t have anything. I don’t know what to do. I’m lost… and can’t do this without you.” And give over all of ourselves to Him – heart, mind, soul, and body – that’s when He comes through. When we choose Him despite anything else that we lack in life — I full-heartedly believe that He will come through.

But that takes courage. A lot of it. But just because of what I’ve experienced the last few months — I know that when the going gets tougher, it’s really easy to give up on God. Wonder if He even cares. But you know what? If we ever allow ourselves to think that way, we are only sabotaging ourselves from the abundant flow of God’s gracious supply.

Jesus wants us to have childlike faith. Remember what it was like to be 4, 5 years old? Not all of us had the same childhood; some of them aren’t that pretty, I’m sure; but do you remember what it was like to not have a care in the world? Mom or Dad took care of the bills. They fed us. They put us to bed in a warm, comfy bed. They taught us things about life. That’s childlike faith; being totally at peace because you know that your Abba is taking care of you, no matter what happens. It’s not for us to worry about.

If any of you are doubting God is there; don’t question Him. You don’t have to, becauseHe is. Yahweh. The great I AM. Abba. God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. He was, and is, and is to come. His presence is saturated into everything around us — if you choose to see it. He is there for you, waiting. And when you surrender yourself into that presence with faith – like Peter jumping from the boat into the water with his eyes fixed on Jesus alone – abandoning all hope and security on our earthly treasures – then He will bless you beyond your imagination.

And now for an update as of 2/3/2009:
I still have many needs.  These two jobs are just enough to break even at this point.  I still have plenty of school debt to pay off; we are trying to find a way for Jeremy to go to S. Africa this summer.  We are getting ready to have a BABY in SEPTEMBER.  (STILL blows my mind!)  And the list goes on. But why weigh myself down with worry? Worrying doesn’t add a single minute to my life. God will come through; I have no idea how, and I know it’s not in my place to know how. Not even when. I have to be okay with not having control over that. I just have to carry on with the responsibilities I’ve been given, and just… trust.

And so my adventure continues.

It’s always amazing to look back on revelations you had even just a few months beforehand… I’ve realized that it’s been forever since I’ve posted any new “old” blogs (yeah yeah, I’m going to start writing actual new ones soon, I promise!), and I was just looking over some situations I’ve faced in the past year.

Yeah.  I’ve been here in Denver for a year now.  How crazy is that?  And though it seems like such a short amount of time, and I feel like I’ve “accomplished” very little, I now see that God has been doing a lot more work in me than I presumed.  I guess that’s the way it’s supposed to be… if we are always keen on our progress, it kinda makes us feel like we’re the ones doing all the work, and His glory is lost.

Here are some thoughts that I’ve humbly revisited… though I feel like I still hang onto some of these old ways sometimes, I’m relieved to see (and be reminded once again) that these burdens have been lifted from me:

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(Upon deciding NOT to pursue a career in teaching special education)

…I think I was just… lost for a while.  Freaking out.  I was really aching to accopmlish something, to be “doing” something.  Because that has been my life for the past 5 years of school — doing, doing, doing — going, going, going — and accomplishing.  It’s been my drug, really.  My identity.  My way of feeling worth something.  And being without that was driving me crazy! 

…I realized that for as long as I can remember, I have always worked hard at something.  Rarely getting a breath of fresh air, rarely stopping to really think about what my desires are in life… and rarely taking a moment to just soak in God’s presence and spend time with Him.  

Being brutally honest here… Me, a “worship leader” (actually doing the finger quotes here), was having a hard time spending time with God.  For what seems like years.  Like I said before, it was this invisible vice I had — I thought that being ridiculously busy was normal.  I didn’t have time to read what I really wanted to read.  I didn’t have time to work on music.  I didn’t have time to do things I was really passionate about.  And, excuse my language but, I was so damn tired all the time that whenever I did get a little break, I would just veg out watching TV or become distracted by chores that needed to get done anyway… and end up being so frustrated about wasting time.

I’ve been spiritually starving myself for a long, long time.

So by realizing all of this, it became very clear to me that to just “be” is exactly what I need right now.

It’s exactly what God wants from me.

And this may actually the last chance I have to do this… especially if kids are down the road someday.  lol.  (NOT YET.  I said SOMEDAY.)  ——(Side note: VERY FUNNY to me at the moment.)

So I’ve backed off from trying to do so much… it’s not like I’ve dropped every responsibility I have… But I’ve relaxed, and I’ve been trying to just “be.” (lol, isn’t it sad that I actually have to try to relax??)  

But it’s been since I’ve made this decision to “be” that I’ve discovered so much about myself.  I realized that by “doing,” I was trying to define myself with accomplishments rather than with the actual desires of my heart.  And all this while, I’ve been turning a blind eye to hindrances I have such as timidity… and I’m realizing that through all of this, I want to sing and write and write music more than ever before.

It’s like the root of my desires are finally being loosened from this rock-hard dirt that all my accomplishments and busy-ness that I was packing into my life.  I’m breathing.  It’s great.

I am meant to write music.  I am meant to sing.  I am meant to worship my King.  

So my real decision is — I am pursuing after God, I am choosing to follow the desires of my heart.  

There is a season to “be.”  For all of us.  It is what God wants — yes, we are called to go into the world and be an example of His love.  But we cannot do that unless we lay down our lives and simply relax.  

Think of David, how he had the solitude of the great fields to worship God as he watched over his sheep.

Think of Mary, who chose to listen at Jesus’ feet instead of worry about the housework like Martha did.

Think of Jesus himself, who went away from the crowds just to spend time with the Father.

We need that, too.  It’s okay to be selfish.  Actually, we’re probably doing the world a favor by relaxing a little.  🙂  

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So there it is.  Seriously, I still struggle with being uber busy… I am realizing that this is just a part of life.  But I am glad to know that I do take it easy, and as most of you know, I have greater reasons and needs to take it easy for the next 8 months or so… and it’s just refreshing to rest in His arms and know that He is good.  He takes care of us, and His thoughts towards us are good.  

I’m a very blessed daughter, and I’m ever humbled by all that He teaches me.