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WHY

I never felt worthy.

I never fit in.

I never felt safe.

I was raised in a constant state of intense fear. Growing up I always felt alone, I never felt that anyone could possibly understand what I was going through. I never felt worthy of help from anyone, I taught myself to remember that no matter how hard it was at home, there was always some kid some where that had it worse then me and he/she needed help. I thought I was just a dramatic, weak, good for nothing kid who did nothing but cause trouble around the house. I didn’t have many friends because I was never allowed to do things they did like play sports, go to dances, hang out at the mall or go to movies. My friends were strictly “at school” friends by choice, on the odd occasion they did come to my house I never let them stay long for fear of fighting, hitting or insults. I lived with my head down and my heart in the sky. I lived a life of fantasy most times, pretending I busted out of my shitty life and landed in Hollywood with all my favorite teen hunks, instantly I transformed from my small town cocoon becoming the hit of the town, writing fake letters home to tell of how wonderful California is and how successful I am. I don’t know why but the letters always ended with a paragraph saying “Life here is wonderful, but it’s nothing if I can’t share it with everyone I love from home.” I didn’t love anyone from home.

I have tried to take my own life 4 times. My father has tried to kill me. My mother wished for my death and let her boyfriends lay hands on me in any way they pleased. My brother beat me for disagreeing with him. I’ve been locked in a mental institution twice and labeled crazy by my family. I’ve been hospitalized for severe panic attacks. I have cut myself, I thought if I could make the pain in my heart physical I could understand it better. I’ve been medicated because doctors thought if they could numb the pain in my heart they could understand me better.

I always felt alone.

I always felt afraid.

I always felt.