I started writing this blog on Saturday, June 30, 2007. I got exposed to HIV on May 5, 2007. It has been nearly two months. As the symptoms started showing, I was alarmed. I was distraught. I was scared. I was confused.
You can say it was the worst nightmare anyone can face to come to terms with the fact that they have contracted an incurable disease, which has affected millions worldwide.
How do I deal with it. How will my life change from now on? That is the truth that I have to face.
How can my simple carefree happy life, which usually revolves around me, me, me, just be snatched away without warning.
Now my days are numbered, sad to say. The realisation of this is so overwhelming that it sweeps me off my feet just like the tsunami.
It’s a fact eventhough I would love to deny it. And this disease will impact my health, my family, my friends, and definitely my future. Over the past few days I have been seeing signs and symptoms and I know they are not going away soon. I am just at the beginning. I haven;t even stepped in the house but I am preparing myself for the worst. Today itself i have written more than 10 postings, and I wrote all of them spontaneously from my heart. I have so many things to say.
I find my life quite strange. I have had a “difficult” childhood in that i always feel lonely and dejected and in most parts I blamed my parents for not letting go, for not allowing me to be myself when I was younger.
I was repressed, I was confused, and I kind of lived my life with a chip on my shoulder and i spent a lot of time trying to unravel this puzzle. This past unhappiness, cast its shadows on me, and I have kind of lived my life in neglect every since.
Day by day go by, without seeing any results. I kind of squandered my life away with no purpose and direction.
I didn’t care about the condition of my car, my house, and deep in my heart, i always seem to have this big boulder that I am struggling with. having Hiv kind of forced me to sort out my life instantly. It is like exchanging my life troubles for a bigger one. Now that have a bigger trouble to deal with, the smaller persistent “complaint” kind of lost its grip on me.
now I look forward to deal with the mess in my life with no further excuses. How can I? I don’t have time left. It’s a fact. I need to wake up to that call everyday, unless I want to delude myself that everything is OK and will go back to normal. No it won’t go back to normal. Now is all the time I have got.
Even as I am writing this post I am sweating profusely, another symptom of HIV.
What I found debilitating is just as I was sorting out my life, and was making progress. Just when I was at the brink of making a big breakthrough and start to feel happy again, I am shattered with this debilitating disease which has no cure.
Now I just have to count the petals of what is left of the final bloom, before everything shrivels to an end.
Believe me, nothing is bigger than contracting HIV, where you have to fight for your life. It really awakens me, finally, to the question of what is life for?
But it is not an easy bridge to cross, it means I have to give up everything that I hold dear or is precious to me. It makes me think about how to cope, what am I going to do next to make the best out of this situation and what am I am going to leave behind in this world.
My life from now on, is to prepare to this final lap, and the final days and whatever it throws at me. There is no hope that the situation will improve. In fact whatever will improve is what i do with my life right now, all my nows and todays to add value to myself and others.
It is just making full use of the next few years to do what I want to do, and to make the best of it . there will be more challenges ahead as the disease progress, and it is not to wait for that moment to come, but to prepare for it now.
Creating this blog is my way of preparing for that day. By writing here provides me a space to express myself, and to move on in life and a way to gain support.
So here i am, staring at the last phase of my life. Is life really so short? I always thought I will live forever and things will eventually sort itself out. Yes, it eventually does, with a big full stop.
So my friends, I can’t say for you, how your life would blossom but at the end of the day, we will all face the same question, this is the beginning of the end, what am I going to do with my life and how will I make it count.