(and obviously I did not finish the 30 Day Shred – it was making me exhausted in the afternoons when it’s my prime time to be a Mommy with Z…maybe cutting out the sugar will give me that extra energy that I need)

Even though I dragged yesterday I did do a little better on the push ups.  And today even better.  I have never been great at those and given that I am even heavier now than in the past, well, it’s tough!  I do not plan to move to Level 2 until I get through those push ups 100% for a couple of sessions.

I also plan to take weekends off since I believe my body needs rest.  Plus I need the mental break – never mind getting to “sleep in”.  Aka, sleeping until Z wakes up. 

I have yet to get through the push ups (on my knees, no less).

Now enjoying coffee and a slice f cabbage roll pie.  Yum…..

So I dragged myself out of bed at 5:15 am and got it done (I am using my rebounder for the cardio – protect those knees!).

I’m pretty stinkin’ proud of myself.

I don’t feel healthy.  I do think I need to work on my “diet” (what I eat, not a strict plan of calorie reduction) and also get a regular exercise program going.  We want to start trying for baby #2 in the new year and I would like to feel A LOT better in my body before getting knocked up.  I don’t feel good at this size.  I can’t imagine adding a growing fetus.

I also do not like how my fat interferes with yoga.  I don’t want to modify because my fat is getting in the way.  I want my body to bend into the asanas the way it can best due to strength and flexibility.  I have to admit it really pisses me off when I know I could go further but my gut is preventing me.  I’m not doing yoga very often right now and it’s because I don’t enjoy it like I did in a smaller body.  This is not about vanity, this is about comfort.

I think there can be a balance found between accepting my body the way it is currently but then also working on making it a more comfortable, healthier, and stronger body.

Since starting this blog, I have definitely found some balance mentally.  But I am not physically where I hoped I would be.  That’s now my focus (while keeping the crazies out of my head).

Based on my BMI I am a “candidate” for lap band surgery.

I am shocked.  Not shocked in the “OMG, I’m so fat” but in the “OMG, a doctor would butcher my insides just because I’m this size” kind of shocked.

I am a curvy, over weight gal.  But a walking billboard for weight loss surgery?  That just seems a bit nuts to me.

My long term, very future goal is do have a daily yoga practice.  Even further away is to have a serious one – long practices every day (not exactly a feat that I see happening with little ones under foot).

I have to admit being annoyed my my large breasts and mother belly getting in the way of some poses.  I am pretty flexible for some asanas (not all, especially upper body – lots of room for growth there) and there are times I could go further if the fat wasn’t in the way.  So, yes, a part of me hopes those areas shrink for the benefit of my practice.  Am I going to diet to do that?  Nope.  Am I beating myself up about it and drowning in negative body thoughts?  Nah.

Would I have done these things like 3 years ago?  Probably.  Definitely 4 years ago.  (Having Z in my life has made me more sane about all of this, even pre-blog/actively seeking body sanity).

I have also tweaked my “diet” (the food I eat) a bit to lessen the wheat and dairy a good deal and to increase the good fats.  I am doing this to hopefully clear up mu skin.  I’m giving it a few months before deciding if it works or not.  But I have to say, I am feeling better after these meals so far.  Nothing is off limits (hence me saying I am going “wheat and dairy light”) and I have not gone into crazy deprivation mode since I don’t feel like I am depriving myself at all.  This is very big for me.  Usually even the smallest “diet” change (no matter the reason) meant I was going to end up in The Head Crazies.

Small, baby steps…

I’m going to make more of an effort to post.  I definitely have things I should get out and here is just as good of a place as any.

I am working on my health and how I feel in my body.  No dieting.  No body hating.  But definitely some attempts at lifestyle changes (not the bullshit kind, the actual real, good for you kind).  Yoga, more whole foods, fermenting some foods, etc…  Not only to make my body feel and act better but to hopefully clear up my adult acne.

I accept my body for where it is.  I am, though, not comfortable in it.  There are some bulges that get in my way or bother me when sleeping.  I feel stiff.  I do not hate my body for these issues or wish to enter into the insanity of dieting again.  But I do want to make changes in my life that help me feel better day to day and that even make doing yoga easier for me.

So there’s a mini update on where my mind is at.  Mini being the key word.

I don’t think there really is one.  I think I just need to push through the muck and do what I need to do.  I need to try some “diet” changes to see if they help my horrendous adult acne (which has gotten worse the last 6 months).  And I need to get over the fact that it means I have to spend some time planning and thinking about what goes into my mouth.

There’s no Aha moment that will make this easy for me.  I’m going to struggle and I’m going to resist changes.  But I know I need to try this out – not only is my “vanity” hurtin’ but so is my damn face.  I’m sick of it.

I do have to admit that it feels good to finally just admit that there isn’t some huge moment/hurtle I have to experience before just doing it.  That releases a bit of weight off my shoulders.

I’m in a shitty place.