these are the days

Again.

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The majority of my students have Down’s Syndrome. And let me tell you, they are such a joy to know…because they have big hearts, happy smiles and life doesn’t seem to be dragged down by obstacles. In fact, if I see any behavior issues, it’s because they want their favorite song….a favorite instrument….to dance. I need to be prepared because they want to maximize music time.

My first real introduction to Down’s was a cute student my first year teaching in a self-contained classroom. She was a primary student and non-verbal. This girl LOVED music. I would sit on the floor with my guitar and she would be immediately next to me. She was calm and happy during the songs. However, once the song ended, she would reach up, grab my arm and try to force me back to strumming. If I resisted, she would be clearly put out and try again and again. There was zero downtime allowed in her book. She loved dancing and would play instruments too. Quite headstrong, she would go over to my guitar and try to grab it from the case if she felt we needed to get back to it.

One time, I stopped a song and she, with both hands, grabbed my hair and pulled in anger. How dare I stop the guitar playing! It took two teachers (I didn’t have my CPI training so now I could get out of the hair pull) to extricate me from her grasp. Ouch. I also got clocked in the head a few times. She would also smack herself on the head when she was angry with me. Back then, it startled me and upset me. Now I have the background knowledge to understand these behaviors and she is always the one who is in the back of my mind, even today.

But I loved her. And man, I had to plan like a mad woman to keep the pace moving..which kept her happy and on task.

I have high school students who love Justin Bieber (I know..) and I usually put on some favorites while I pack up at the end of class. They can sing along…sometimes with incredibly clear lyrics. One student has an entire dance routine that he performs for us once a week….which includes singing into a microphone. Another student has great rhythm skills and loves to lead the class in drumming or walk around and serenade with my guitar, strumming quite rhythmically with the one chord he has mastered. He sings, although not intelligible lyrics, but he clearly captivates all of the students with his music. Sometimes, I would love to have the time to spend with each of them individually…teach them more instruments or work on singing.

One younger student loves my greeting song and will begin to sing and sign it while I am walking in. Of course, he wants to sing it for the entire class time.

Another little one will kick or hit me if I get too close to him. He also loves to put my monster guitar pick into the sound hole of the instrument so I have to shake it back out. Quite a character. And yet, when we did our modified Irish dance, this kid had every single move and transition down pat. And then he would fall asleep!

They help me appreciate what I teach….the joy of participating in music. They remind me that there is lots of fun to be had during class. They hug me a little too hard most times, but their intentions and love are genuine and good.

I can come here and relay how tough life is….how busy we are, I have two busy children, I have an Aspie boy, I have nine schools, I live far away from family….on and on. And those are truly challenging for me. But then I get to see my happy students, who have challenges too and maybe challenges far more difficult than I will ever know. And yet, they shine and persevere….they teach me how to enjoy what we do have. And to keep the music going.

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Since our young son had a rather challenging week at school….perhaps the blink of his broom-like eyelashes hasn’t had the usual effect…we decided it was time for him to unplug and get back to reality.

I will be the first to say that, yeah, I didn’t allow Ian much tv when he was little. When C came along and once they started spending more time in daycare, tv and eventually video games were favorite activities. The pendulum has indeed swung hard the opposite way and now they find themselves unsure how to occupy themselves without the backup of the iPod, the wii or the tv.

Ian, while he hasn’t gotten into any school trouble since kindergarten, has a very plugged-in mindset. He needed some reality check too.

So, this weekend, we turned off the tv, the wii and the iPods. At first, the boys seemed a bit lost without their plugged-in time.

By Saturday, they started figuring it out. Connor had the Legos out and Ian was busy in the backyard. They got into swim suits and played in the pool. They played baseball, using a Girl Scout cookie box for batting. Tom took Ian to an archery class at the state park. Connor and I got makings for s’mores. We built a fire in the fire pit and roast marshmallows.

On Sunday, Ian had set up camp in one corner of the yard, digging a huge hole and using the hose to make mud. He threw mud around the yard, had some mud pie traps and jokes for Daddy and was a complete mess by the end of both days. And perfectly happy to play in the dirt.

I know we allow them to play games quite a bit. Some of it is because we are tired after a day of working with the same age kids all day. You feel like you have nothing left to give by the time 4pm rolls around. We try to get them out to play…out for hikes or bike rides. And sometimes it is a stretch for homebodies like us. Trying to get them out before the oppressive weather hits.

Even I was more unplugged than usual…I sorted through a huge box of old pictures, notes, letters and the like. We got bills done and I sorted out my receipts to get ready for taxes.

One more week until break. Hoping C behaves himself, but I still like the idea of employing an unplugged day over the weekend…..

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So, I had my first observation yesterday….first of the year and first with the new fangled teacher evaluation tool. Tool feels like an accurate word for it.

I guess to start…it was the first observation that I have had where I am certain the evaluator is maybe on the cusp of age 30. T wondered if that didn’t feel totally odd and it does. I have no earthly idea how someone can achieve administrator status without a certain number of years actually teaching. Feels like many of our admins are on the fast track at a young age. In New York, all of the principals had boatloads of teaching experience. Tons. I think now if you have the facilitator or administrative degree, you can just skip teacher and go straight to principal. And I tend toward feeling less respect for someone telling me how to teach when they haven’t really truly gotten their feet wet. It could just be me feeling older.

At any rate, the evaluator was very nice and poses no threat or problem. It is just something I notice.

What is perturbing is the checklist of what I should be doing during the evaluation. Rather than actually taking in the lesson and making commentary from there…..now it is a drop down list. Did Mrs. Murphy greet the students? Check. Did she list goals on the board? Check. Does she has enough visible posters in the room? No check. Did she address goals met in previous classes? Check. Did the students appear to know what they learned in the last class and reference it? Check. It is utterly stupid. So rather than watching the lesson and giving me actual feedback, I get to log on and see what was checked off. Completely impersonal. Not the evaluator’s fault, of course.

So, I expect more walkthroughs. A formal observation where you actually tell what you are teaching. I am happy to have anyone visit me teaching. But I will tell you that the fun….yeah, I said FUN…of teaching is getting drained from the system. Instead of being creative, you need to be conforming. Even in music….a decidedly fun subject area to teach…is really becoming obnoxiously overinflated.

T always says that music promotes working together….the very things that aren’t going to be curriculum items. But it’s not tangible, not something you can slap a percentage on or create a multiple choice question to answer. Not that we don’t have goals or things to teach. We do. But performance-based subjects have to be pigeon holed with everything else. And this new evaluation system makes that incredibly clear.

Not to mention that our pay is determined by test scores as well. Something we have nothing to do with….well, unless you count that we have to include reading and math standards in our music curriculum too.

Sometimes I wish I knew something..anything else. Maybe I can find a drop down menu and click on something else.

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My sweet Ian is a little worried about money. Apparently, he decided that we could save money by not eating for two weeks. I told him that was not an option, but he logically countered that it would save money. Yikes! I convinced him that, clearly, there were better ways to save money.

Which led him to talk about cars and how much they cost. I told him that a fancy car isn’t necessary….just a practical one. He asked about cost, if he paid cash or if he did a payment plan….gas and what size is really better.

Then he said that is true of houses too. I agreed and said that it’s good to have a place to live, but it doesn’t have to be big or fancy. I explained how I grew up in a trailer (yeah, that’s right) and my mom worked two jobs just to keep us there. It wasn’t fancy, we had “interesting” neighbors and some kids did drugs at the bus stop every day. I told him that instead of being upset that I didn’t have a great house or a big family, I had to be so grateful to my mother, who sacrificed an awful lot to keep us with a place to live and food on the table.

I told him that our Christmas was bigger than any Christmases I had and my favorite part was him making us breakfast. Us playing games. Us working on a puzzle. Being together. A big house doesn’t make that less fun. A fancy car doesn’t make my life better.

We talked about living in NYC and how different that would be. We talked about living in New York and maybe seeing our family and friends all the time instead of once every other year. I told him that for me, I used to want to live far away from my family. I wanted to try different places and I wanted time to do things for myself. But the truth is that, I am done doing that and I want to go home now. That I am tired of being lonely on holidays for my own mom, for my friends, that Daddy and Mommy would love to have the boys see their relatives all the time. And he said that made sense, except I might need a car with snow tires. My car is a desert car, he says, as evidenced by the extreme sun damage.

I like who Ian is becoming. I like that he cares about us, worries about us and that he is already doing things that his own traditions, things that make us feel loved and thoughts of how to make things better. I don’t know that any of that is attributed to how we raise him, but what is born of his own big heart. He might not respond when someone is crying or how a person looks or feels when they are sad….but I think he knows and he feels empathetic. I can feel it and hear it in his voice. It might be the extreme of what he is willing to show us and how he feels.

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Ian has really done incredibly well the last several months. So when he finally got overwhelmed tonight…Christmas Eve…it was a little surprising and broke my heart a bit. Apparently, we were asking a few too many things of him at the same time…..decorate cookies for Santa, write a note, open new pajamas, talk on the phone, read a book…all just a little too much at once. But through his tremulous voice and big teary eyes, he was truly able to say exactly what the problem was and how he felt. Not a full meltdown. And that is what we have been trying to teach him to do. Of course, we were to blame for his stress and we told him so, but he began to worry over other things and morph the situation into how he felt his presents were inadequate and all.

He later came back out and asked me to read The Polar Express to him. He was teary and sad, so of course we read a book that always makes me cry. At the end, I said it was a great book. And he said, it is a great book but not as great as you, Mommy.

I told him that the best presents are ones like that compliment…..words that make people feel loved. He has a soft heart.

Well, usually someone has issues on Christmas…usually me, but T and I were surprised that he was the one. Hoping he isn’t too overwhelmed tomorrow.

C on the other hand, is totally excited to give his presents to Daddy. It is super cute and I love his excitement over it.

It will be a good little Christmas. Ian wants to make breakfast, we have presents, we have cookies and we have the four of us all day. Naps, toys, games and pajamas all day long.

Merry Christmas to my friends and family….we love and miss you all.

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So, suddenly I realize some things are slipping away from me, as they should.

My sons…both of them…are at any age where they like to be independent but they need help or are mostly capable with guidance.

But that baby thing of getting them in a bathtub…helping with their hair and sitting while they play….is almost gone. Sure, they love a good bath and still have fun. They are a little too big to be in the tub together…..which is best for all-out splash wars and wreaking havoc.

Now, we are entering showers where they go in on their own (with googles, because water or soap in the eyes is still traumatic) and Ian can basically operate on his own now. C needs help with the water temperature and actually needs reminds that he is in there to get clean, not play. But they don’t need me like they used to. They need me to remind them to hop in the shower, They need reminders to actually use soap and scrub their toes. But soon, those little boys won’t need that either.

They even get their homework out unassisted and begin to work without me. This is again, mostly Ian….but even C is starting to finish his work on his own once I go over the directions. For him, that is pretty darn good.

They do things like get dressed without help. Tie their own shoes. Get their own breakfast. These little parts of life that moms usually feel compelled to do for them or micromanage. (yes, I am a micromanager. Sigh.)

Now that I have mono….I have had to concede that some of the usual things I do have to be done by others or not done. Tom has spirited the boys into helping with lunches, doing their assigned chores and he has essentially taught them how to be more independent. It is all great and good. Necessary.

But just like I saw the end of moments….sometimes by surprise…the end of infancy, the end of cute phrases, the end of strollers, the end of car seats and all….another ending seems to be arriving. I am gratefully aware of it so I can bid goodbye to those little boys who needed us to do so much.

Don’t worry, they need us still….to wake up. To dress properly. To get to chess club on time. To remind them to put their lunches in their backpack. To be there at 2am when they need TLC.

They will always need us, but how they need us keeps changing. I am happy that they want to hold my hand, that they want to be helped too, because I need them just as much.

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I made it to NY, by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin! My old friend, Mono, has decided to another visit….but maybe not so wisely, I pushed myself along to get to the NYSSMA conference.

I’ll skip the flight details, but I will say, O’Hare airport is on my list. I am pretty sure the only running I have done lately will be attributed to this monstrous airport.

When I stepped off the plane in Rochester, it was snowing! I felt like a true desert rat….enjoying the drifting flakes and wishing I had brought boots. And warmer socks. It was beautiful and I didn’t realize how much I missed it.

Everyone was so kind in Rochester….the shuttle guys were my favorite conversationalists by far. I heard about kids, Christmas, working two jobs, apple green drum sets, music school and genuinely nice people. I felt like I hadn’t left NY.

Despite the late hour, two friends met me for dinner and a brief visit to the conference party for the Crane reunion and the staircase sing. Nothing like college vocal majors walking the conference, singing loudly…in case you weren’t sure how good they were.

On Saturday, I met more wonderful teachers on the shuttle and caught up with my favorite colleague of all time…Shannon. She and I taught in Gayhead for years and I was her mentor for her first year. Somehow, we clicked in our philosophy and it was the era of Murph and Mac, the Singing Sisters, the Bobbsey Twins. We looked a bit alike and dressed the same most of the time. I love her. She is more Type A than I am, but I always felt compelled to work harder and we just had so much fun together.

The conference session went very well. Truth be told, giving a session in front of NY’ers isn’t easy. Not at all. I could have all of my AZ friends cheering me on and everyone gives lovely praises loaded with positive remarks. In NY, no one is afraid to give you some feedback….and their true assessment is written on their faces. They have no qualms about walking out when a session isn’t great. But you know where you stand. I got some great feedback and necessary questions….especially on the volume of my voice. I am not a loud person, so I ended up talking into a microphone. Reminded me of 7th grade, when my Spanish teacher forced me to answer into a microphone for an entire class. But I did it and I know that I probably need to wear a mic from now on. Lesson learned.

I will be drafting an article for my presentation for the NY magazine and then my mentor, who is the chairperson for Special Learners in NY would like to publish it nationally. All so exciting. I feel blessed to be in the unique position of teaching adaptive music and have a bit of the inside track. It was fun and we filled the room!

But I can see how the connections need to be made between general music and special education. It is not easy in a time of high stake evaluations and the push to make music a vehicle for common core and academic standards instead of standing on its own merits. Sometimes, I really find deep frustration with the direction of public schools. My own children with rote learning homework that doesn’t excite them…but the faster they work, the better, say the politicians who haven’t set foot in a classroom. The politicians who haven’t sat down with some of these bright, amazing children who don’t feel challenged….they feel redundant. Even in music teachers, where the joy of learning should always be, they feel the light burning out. I almost had to spend an entire day away from my students to learn about teaching common core math. (I spent ten minutes in the inservice, wondering how in the world I would manage 8 straight hours of math. It was truly frightening.) Thankfully, I convinced the district that my time would be better spent teaching music.

I don’t know if I made anything better during the NY conference. But if I did for some students and teachers, then it is worth it. I know some teachers were genuinely concerned how they would fit in accommodations for special Learners, on top of common core, evaluations, actual lessons, assessments and all. I hear it and overwhelming doesn’t begin to describe any of our feelings. I am grateful to be in a position where 95% of my work is actual teaching….but that is evolving too.

Back at home now….trying to get well enough to continue actually teaching what I am telling others to teach! Note to mono: you stink.

I miss New York. I miss my friends there, whom I see and pick up like I saw them yesterday. I missed being there in the chilly snow, complaining that my toes are cold and feeling the warm sun on a cold day. Yeah, I have no idea how I survived years of school up near Canada, but then going to the extreme of Phoenix…well, a happy medium would be nice. And I am bringing my toe warmer next time! That’s you, T!

Maybe someday soon, we will make there again. Thanks for all of the fun, NY!

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On a beautiful Sunday morning, an angel ascended to join the heavenly choir and with the addition of her beautiful voice and smile, we will always have light and love shining upon us.

Much love to Eileen and may you rest peacefully and happily in God’s arms now. We love and miss you.

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Of all of the Murphy’s law moments, this one is turning out to be the least funny.

Thinking I had strep throat, I visited the doctor on Monday.

Instead, he announced the likely return of my nemesis, Mono. Perhaps a relapse, but I was stunned all the same. Swollen glands, left side pain and no sign of strep.

I was able to return to work because I wasn’t running a fever. Against (my husband’s) better judgment, I did go back all day today. By the end of the day, I was feeling exhausted, my stomach was hurting and that general feeling of not great but not awful.

To make it worse, I started a fever tonight.

And I have the New York conference this weekend to boot.

Not sure what to do. Out of days and my paycheck is already lean for this year. Not sure if I go to NY how much that will set me back, since there is a great deal of stress in travel and presenting.

Hoping that it will pass sooner than later..trying to keep my chin, as my mother in law reminds me.

I also started working to eat all gluten-free. Not easy when you feel crappy. But I will say that in the course of just two days, my hair has fallen out so much less. Yay for keeping hair on my head! So far, I am just eating minimally…Greek yogurt, apples, bananas, rice chex, quinoa, rice. Found some tasty crackers at Safeway that will be a good salty fun snack.

Anyway, send up some positive thoughts and a special thanks and a hug to my mother-in-law….not only does she keep tabs, but she leaves me very sweet little messages to remind it will all pass soon enough.

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