My Ramblings

I hadn't blogged in Oct/Nov because I was trying to get through the wait for our cycle.  Didn't really see the point in blogging the depressing details  for something I didn't have a whole lot of hope in it working. I figured I'd come back after and hopefully be celebrating us completing our home study.

Then, our cycle did work and I was afraid to post anything thinking it might jinx it.  Plus, I was sucked into crazy exhaustion for a couple months and pretty much ignored the internet.  Then I just felt plain guilty and didn't really know what to post about.  So now I'm half baked and only slightly less paranoid that I'm going to jinx something.

Can't live with it - can't live without it. Hope creeping in increases the potential for extreme emotional disappointment.

Hope and excitement are starting to creep in for our DE cycle. I'm still a little disappointed (ok a lot disappointed and still very angry and sad) that MY eggs don't work. I'm also sad at some of the/my physical characteristics we had to give up in order to find a donor we liked who was willing to donate this year.

It hurts to know that my baby (if we're so lucky) could never have brown eyes, since our donor blue eyes. Even though we don't know that he/she would anyway, it's the fact that the possibility isn't there.

There is no doubt in my mind that I will love any baby we get with my whole heart - I just hope some of the sadness that it can't happen the way it's "supposed" to goes away.

I'm not sure what it is about human nature that makes us want to compare our experiences with others. I'd like to think it comes from a "good" place of wanting to relate to others and provide reassurance/hope/whatever. It's probably equally likely that it's trying an attempt to validate our own feelings and try to find someone who can relate to what we've been through and to understand us.

One thing I've learned while dealing with IF, is that you really can't understand what someone else is going through without going through it yourself. And since no one will have the exact same history/background, even similar experiences will never be the same for any 2 people.

Even knowing this I still get pulled into the trap of comparisons. I feel like it's so much harder with my IRL friends than my lovely e-friends. I have a friend from work who has been dealing with unexplained IF (unless they've gotten a new dx and I don't know). As much as I try, I cannot figure out how to relate to her or talk about IF stuff without wanting to smack my head against a wall.

She and her husband took a very relaxed "see what happens" approach to TTC - I can't relate to that. Once I went off BC it was on (like Donkey Kong). When we hit a year I scheduled an appointment with a doctor. I couldn't have waited the 2 or 3 years they did.

We did our testing somewhere around the same time. When her husband's SA came back she was disappointed that it was normal because she didn't want it to be something wrong with her. Before DH got his SA, I prayed that it would be normal - I can't even imagine ever hoping for a male factor issue (if there was a problem I wanted the "control").

Since they are unexplained, in my head that means they have a chance of spontaneous conception and possibly a good chance at IVF working (even though I know after all of this a spontaneous pregnancy probably isn't a good chance...and to her it might as well be a 0% chance). For us it that chance isn't there at all. And right now there is an extreme jealousy issue on my part.

She was on long lupron for her first IVF and was cancelled for low response - I can't imagine how scary and crushing that is... I know I can't since even though I didn't get tons of eggs I responded ok. She'd had good response to oral meds, so I was optimistic for her (it's always easier to hope for someone else than yourself, isn't it?) that a change of protocol could be what she needed.

Her 2nd attempt she had 14 follicles and retrieved 10. They had 2 to transfer and 1 to freeze. I can't relate to this at all. In my head, she has it all. She has a real chance of this IVF working and it hurts like crap. My last real life IF friend and I'm getting left behind.

On Friday (day before her beta) she mentioned that she didn't know which would be worse having had no embryos or going through the 2ww and finding out the cycle didn't work. Shouldn't I be glad she didn't have to find out? Be happy that she had 2 blasts to transfer and one on ice? Instead I was so angry that she'd even question it. I don't know which is worse. Is there a worse? Isn't it a bunch of BS all around? I can say from experience that not having an embryo to transfer is the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It didn't hurt less the 2nd or 3rd time. It could have been more expected or I could have been more numb to it but it wasn't better one time over another.

I didn't get a message over the weekend or today that her IVF didn't work. It could be that she isn't ready to talk about it not working or she doesn't know how to tell me it did. I couldn't really blame her after a comment I made Friday afternoon - one I wish I could have taken back as soon as it slipped out.

So when I should be hoping all the best for her, my major emotions are fear that I'm going to be left behind as the most infertile infertile, anger that there is so much more potential hurt and disappointment in the future, and sadness at how alone I feel since I don't have anyone left IRL who I feel can even remotely relate to this hell and the disappointment we've already experienced.

I haven't had much inspiration to post in awhile. You could say I've been in a mood.

I've been all wallow-y and angry lately. Wallowing because I've started getting lapped by others dealing with infertility. It's not just the spontaneous pregnancies but some ladies who cycled around the time of our first IVF are going back to treatment, too.

Of course, I should be super excited for their successes and I am happy for them BUT I am jealous (very, very jealous). Then I'm pissed at myself for all the jealousy I'm feeling.

I'm also very, very angry at all the ladies out there who seem to have what I want most in the world. Good eggs and plenty of them (ok - 2nd most because first most is a baby)). We've been looking at donor profiles and besides making me sad, I can't get over how pissed I am that not only do these girls have really good eggs but they have extras to spare.

That's not exactly the grateful donor recipient attitude I should have, is it?

Why do my eggs have to suck so much? I've looked through my testing info - I don't have a super human response to stims but my AFC is decent. My FSH is below 5. Everything is normal, except my eggs can't support decent embryo growth. Why? We were responsible. Did everything in the right order. Waited an "appropriate" amount of time after getting married to start trying but didn't wait "too" long. It's all complete bull shit.

Then I wonder if we're being selfish going this direction instead of adopting. And I wonder how we're going to manage with the credit cards we'll probably have to max out to do this (for an unknown chance at being successful). I've pondered the idea of adopting and then trying for a pregnancy later but I don't see being able to take that kind of financial risk if we already had a child. If it weren't for the financial aspects I'd be doing much more serious looking into our adoption options. I also can't see not trying with DH's sperm considering he had two surgeries to get what we have frozen.

I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be partially through the process if this next cycle doesn't work out. Heck, I wouldn't mind being into the process even if the cycle DOES work. we just wouldn't be able to handle the cycle costs and adoption fees at anytime close together.

I hate that I have to deal with this and I hate that friends have to deal with it. This sucks.

A big change from the last 2-3 years, right?


I never really posted about our WTF but there weren't really any surprises. You don't do 3 IVF's with nothing to transfer and expect puppy dogs and rainbows.

We can try DE but don't really know what kind of chance we'll have. Could be the same as the clinic's typical rates, could be slightly lower because of the MFI issue, or it could be WAAAY lower. And it'll be right around 18K to find out.

We've been trying to figure out how much insurance might pick up (turns out I have pretty great insurance that covers donor egg... Or it would have - if I hadn't used up my benefits). At least the transfer would be covered since we haven't done that yet :P

So here we are. Waiting for information from the clinic, from my Benefits Advocate at work, from the insurance company. Waiting for the husband to decide what kind of cash he's willing to gamble. Waiting to get too involved into looking at adoption in case we do try DE.

I'm tired of waiting. I want my baby dammit.

I'm not sure why it always amazes me so much but it seems as stuck as I am, the rest of the world keeps going. Life goes on even when it doesn't feel like I'm living it - or even participating. I called the day after our "transfer" and still couldn't get in to see our RE until the end of next week. I really don't think I can handle waiting until then. It's not that I actually want to hear what he has to say (i'm guessing it will be something like "your eggs are super crap") but I need to hear it so that we can move forward. Whatever that means.

We'll see what Wednesday brings.


(FYI-I'm not feeling nearly as balanced as that sounds)