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Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder Paperback – January 1, 2010

4.6 out of 5 stars (2,944)

Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to? Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages? Do you feel you are 'walking on eggshells' to avoid the next confrontation?

If the answer is 'yes,' someone you care about may have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Stop Walking on Eggshells has already helped nearly half a million people with friends and family members suffering from BPD understand this destructive disorder, set boundaries, and help their loved ones stop relying on dangerous BPD behaviors. This fully revised edition has been updated with the very latest BPD research and includes coping and communication skills you can use to stabilize your relationship with the BPD sufferer in your life. This compassionate guide will enable you to:

  • Make sense out of the chaos
  • Stand up for yourself and assert your needs
  • Defuse arguments and conflicts
  • Protect yourself and others from violent behavior
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From the Publisher

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Checklist: Does Someone you Care about have BPD?

If you answered yes to many of these questions, we have good news for you: You're not going crazy. It's not your fault. And you're not alone. You may share these experiences because someone close to you has traits associated with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

For survival tips and strategies for dealing with a loved one with BPD, read Stop Walking on Eggshells.

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From the Book

Mindfulness and DBT in general help people with BPD stay off the emotional roller coaster associated with black-and-white thinking. Over time, people who regularly practice mindfulness tend to be better at enduring pain, solving problems, and not creating turmoil and stress in their lives and relationships. Notice, though, that the goal of mindfulness isn’t to experience profound happiness or a life without stress or trouble.

We all have the capacity to be mindful. It’s a skill anyone can learn. There’s nothing mysterious about it. We simply pay attention to the present moment. When mental clutter appears, we let it appear and let it fade away again. Over and over, we return to the here and now.

This isn’t usually as easy as it sounds, especially as we’re first learning it. But everyone gets better at it with practice. In the process, we also learn a lot about ourselves, others, and our relationships. Practicing mindfulness can help you achieve a better balance between your rational mind and your emotional mind. This puts you in a better position to respond wisely to distressing situations, in a balanced, healthy manner.

You’ll also make better decisions, improve your relationships, and optimize your potential for physical and mental relaxation.

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The purposes of this exercise is to focus your mind on a single object and to be aware of the mental energy needed to stay in the moment.

Focus on an object

1. Find a place where you can be alone and away from TVs, radios, and other distractions and interruptions. Get into a comfortable position either sitting or standing that you can maintain for three minutes. Keep your eyes open and breathe normally.

2. Pick a nearby object that you can see clearly. This should be something you don’t have a strong feeling about a plant, a chair, a book, a cup.

3. For the next three minutes, focus your attention just on that object. If you like, look at it from multiple angles. Pick it up or run your hands over it. Smell it, if you’re so inclined. Take in all the different sensory information about it.

4. When your mind wanders off and it will simply catch yourself and return your attention to the object. This may happen several or more than several times. There’s no need to get frustrated or critical with yourself. Just keep coming back to the object.

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The purpose of this exercise is to increase your awareness of your own mind and its thoughts. Over time, with practice, it will help you to not get stuck on, distressed about, or overwhelmed by a particular thought.

Watching your thoughts

1. Find a spot where you can be free of distraction or interruption. Get in a comfortable sitting position, with your feet on the floor and your back straight. (This might mean sitting forward on the front part of your chair.) Breathe normally and keep your eyes open.

2. For five minutes, don’t think or not think about anything in particular. Just watch your thoughts surface, swirl about, and float away. Don’t try to hang onto them, push them away, or judge them. Let them come and let them go.

3. If your mind wanders or gets stuck on a particular thought, just notice that and return to quietly watching your mind. If you notice yourself getting judgmental ('I’m not very good at this'. 'Why am I having such awful thoughts?' etc.), just notice your judgment and return once more to watching your mind.

4. With practice, this skill will help you avoid getting stuck in obsessive thinking or worry. Paradoxically, it will also help you better focus on important tasks, concerns, or activities doing your taxes, for example when you need to.When your mind wanders off and it will simply catch yourself and return your attention to the object. This may happen several or more than several times. There’s no need to get frustrated or critical with yourself. Just keep coming back to the object.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"Stop Walking on Eggshells makes good on its promise to restore the lives of people in close relationships with someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). It is a rich guide to understanding and coping with the reactions aroused in others by troubling BPD behaviors that negatively impact relationships. Readers will find this book very useful and beneficial."
—Nina W. Brown, EdD, professor and Eminent Scholar at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA, author of
Children of the Self-Absorbed



"This book is the absolute go-to guide for my clients who are dealing with a loved one with borderline personality disorder. Readable and thorough, it strikes a perfect balance of practical advice and emotional sensitivity. This book has helped so many people break through their sense of confusion and isolation by helping them to name, understand, and respond to the difficulties of this complex and misunderstood disorder."
—Daniel E. Mattila, M.Div., LCSW



"This book is urgently needed now that a National Institutes of Health study shows that 6 percent of the general population has borderline personality disorder (BPD). I constantly get requests from families needing resources on BPD, and I recommend Stop Walking On Eggshells almost every time. This second edition is really easy to read and packed with even more useful tips for family members in distress."
—Bill Eddy, LCSW, attorney, mediator, clinical social worker, and author of
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes and Splitting



"Amazingly, Stop Walking On Eggshells not only teaches readers how to recognize the signs of borderline personality disorder, it also shows how they can make life and relationship decisions based on what they want and need instead of decisions controlled by the illness."
—Julie A. Fast, author of
Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder

From the Publisher

This book helps the friends and family members of people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) understand the condition, help their loved ones find effective treatment, and stop feeling as though they are walking on eggshells to avoid confrontations with BPD sufferers.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ New Harbinger Publications
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ January 1, 2010
  • Edition ‏ : ‎ Second
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 288 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1572246901
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1572246904
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 13.7 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.75 x 9 inches
  • Best Sellers Rank: #59,277 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 out of 5 stars (2,944)

About the authors

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Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
2,944 global ratings

Customers say

Customers find this book helpful and practical, providing valuable guidelines that teach them about Borderline Personality Disorder. The book is easy to read and understand, with one customer noting it's written in an engaging voice. Customers appreciate how it directs loved ones to positive outcomes and helps them keep their sanity, making it a worthwhile purchase.
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193 customers mention information quality, 184 positive, 9 negative
Customers find the book helpful, providing valuable guidelines and practical suggestions.
...The page where a borderline personality is listed and that was very helpful. I do not enjoy books written with the writer sharing about them selves....Read more
Very informative and helpful to someone who has a daughter or son who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or anti-social...Read more
...I found it helpful but scary at the same time because it describes our family through out.Read more
Very readable and informative. Looks at both sides of borderline personality - from the borderline's perspective and from the family's.Read more
92 customers mention insight, 88 positive, 4 negative
Customers find the book insightful, helping them understand borderline personality disorder and providing a dose of reality.
Very clear, very well written, very thorough, and very, very insightful. The authors clearly know their topic....Read more
Book talks about Borderline Personality disorders. Very enlightening. Makes for easy reading and understandableRead more
Gave me a lot of insight on how to NOT to react to the BPD person and how to interact with them!Read more
...Very helpful,enlightening,and discouraging all at the same time. God bless anyone living with someone with BPD.Read more
82 customers mention life-saving, 73 positive, 9 negative
Customers find the book life-saving, helping them understand and manage personality disorders, with one customer noting it provides comfort by explaining how the brain works.
Life changing book you won’t regret buyingRead more
A life-changing book. The epiphany and ah-ha moment I needed to have to take action and change the course of my life....Read more
This book saved my sanity. I read it thinking it would help me cope with a pending divorce and sharing custody of our son....Read more
...It gave me great insight into borderline personality disorder-filling me with compassion both, for the sufferer and myself, and gave very practical...Read more
46 customers mention readability, 38 positive, 8 negative
Customers find the book highly readable, with many noting it's a great read for family members of those with borderline personality disorder. One customer mentions it's particularly valuable for parents with older teens.
...Very serious and important book for those living closely with BDP persons.Read more
Interesting read. I'd recommend it.Read more
good overview, great for a spouse, not a lot of info if adult age child but great overall infoRead more
Essential reading for anyone dealing with a borderline personality. This book literally saved my life.Read more
40 customers mention ease of reading, 39 positive, 1 negative
Customers find the book easy to read and understand, appreciating that it is concise and written in plain language, making it accessible to non-professionals.
...Easy to read and very informative about Borderline Personality Disorder which is not an easy disorder to deal with as the one who suffers with it or...Read more
great book.....easy read........the only reason i didn't give it 5 stars is because i've really only begun my search into this emotional condition....Read more
Wonderful book. Easy to understand and extremely helpful. I would recommend this book to anyone interested in understanding BPD in its many forms.Read more
Excellent text. Helpful....Read more
19 customers mention personality disorder, 16 positive, 3 negative
Customers appreciate how the book explains Borderline Personality Disorder, with one customer noting that it looks at both sides of the condition.
Wish I read this earlier. Best book on borderline personality disorder there is.Read more
Helpful in explaining the personality type....Read more
...It's not personal!Read more
A wonderful book which explains borderline personality disorder and how to deal productively with a loved one who has this disorder or who exhibits...Read more
16 customers mention value for money, 16 positive, 0 negative
Customers find the book worth the money.
...has some very helpful interaction and coping techniques that are worth the read.Read more
Pretty much describes the person I was wondering about. Worth a read if you are dealing with a problem relationship.Read more
...anxiety yourself..great book in helping to understand the illness..good price and delivery as wellRead more
This is a very valuable book....Read more
16 customers mention writing style, 15 positive, 1 negative
Customers praise the writing style of the book, finding it well-crafted, with one customer noting it is written in an engaging voice.
...Very well written, easy to understand and necessary if you have no choice but to have someone like this in your life.Read more
...I once felt lost but now am finding myself again because of this well written book that tells the story from both sides!...Read more
...Well written, filled with both insight and tips. This book completely changed my view on how to handle a Borderline....Read more
This is an incredibly well written book in easy to understand language....Read more
This book saved my life and mind.
5 out of 5 stars
This book saved my life and mind.
I bought this book when my therapist diagnosed my husband with BPD after less than 6 sessions with us as a couple.This book saved my life. It eased my anxiety, validated my pain, and helped me discern reality from my BP husband’s reality. The way it is written is so easy to follow and understand. I’ve highlighted nearly the entire book, cover to cover, with notes scratched in the margins. It has become my go to when feeling particularly vulnerable and confused. It clarifies my mind and brings me back to my self in this situation. If you have anyone, ANYONE in your life that has borderline personality disorder, this book WILL help you. I recommend it enormously.
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on May 2, 2020
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s very easily misdiagnosed and those who have it seldom realize they do.
    This book is an invaluable resource for those who have a family member or significant other who has BPD. From identifying the signs of the disorder to helping the victim realize they have it, to strategies for daily living, to protecting yourself and others from a potentially abusive person with BPD, this book gives an excellent overview of the disorder and how to work through some of the problems associated with it.
    My eyes were opened as I read through it, realizing that some of the behaviors of the BPD person I know were not just bad behavior or arrogance, but part of a disorder that can have serious consequences.
    This book was laid out in a very no-nonsense fashion that leads from identification through different strategies of dealing with problems, even helping the person realize and accept help with the disorder.
    It was written in an easy to understand way, and I found myself relating to several of the examples that were shown through eyewitness accounts of those close to BPD’s as well as those who have the disorder and have begun working through it.
    I highly recommend this book if you know someone who has BPD or if there’s someone in your life who has behavior problems that doctors are having problems diagnosing.
    This book was a real eye-opener for me.
    12 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on November 21, 2010
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    most, easily understood informTION ever! Better than lectures, films, other books. I've been dealing with this BPD from my ex-daughter-in-law for 30 years, & the info is right on target, it's so informative, I sent my son a book to better be able to handle her outbursts.she's had him thrown in jailmany times & in prison once, with her hateful, vindictive lies; the abuse she's inflicted on her boys is unbelievable, that was in the past. She's indicated wanting to know the name of this book, but I won't
    tell because of her machinations & manipulations, she would know what we are doing & turn everything into a big dramatic mess once again, because she is a self-centered, user, control freak, & I mean that in the kindest way. She really can't change. She went thru boot camp & that changed her outer behaviour, but she couldn;t stand the constant ordering SHE had to take, so she calledher mother to call the Red Cross to come home on Emergency Leave to get her boys in control, their was no problem, & has been on leave going on1 1/2 years, says she will be chaptered out with a Honorable Discharge. I worry about my grandsons, & see some signs of her in her middle boy, but she keeps them from calling, texting, coming over, etc., the reason is she wants them to love her more than me or their dad, all 3 of the boys have indicated they will/want to live with their dad & me, Living with her again is not an aption, won't happen again, not 1 more time,
    Always starts out very promising, then the rages, rants, threats, etc. I have told the boys to do & say whatever it takes to get along with her & they do, but this spring the 14 yr. old will be gone from her, with us, & the next year the middle son, it will be 4-5 more years b/4 we can get the youngest boy; however, we do know, her included, if the boys are gome she will most likely go back to methods of suicide. She is close to a genius , so she kn ows how to act, what to say to get anything she wants
    11 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on October 28, 2018
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    This book saved my marriage. I was especially happy with the way it approached borderline personality disorder (and those undiagnosed people with similar traits) with compassion and respect for the borderline, and provided insightful testimonials from borderlines detailing how their thought processes often differ from non-borderlines. This book gave me the tools and confidence to stop trying to cover for my wife and save her from the messes she unintentionally creates, while also addressing my own issues with needing to constantly help and fix everyone. This is a book that helps you change your own behavior to protect yourself, but in doing so it also often helps the BP’s learn to stand on their own two feet and take responsibility for their actions. For example, one of the many things I discovered was that my attempts to constantly help her fix bad situations was actually MY issue, and I was disempowering her. Stopping that was really hard for me to do, but sure enough it helped.
    I am happy to report that after applying the strategies outlined in this book, my wife, (who has consistently refused therapy or medications despite having substance abuse issues, severe depression, angry rages, and being extremely self-destructive) realized her behavior is out of control and voluntarily sought professional help. Her moods and behaviors have drastically improved, and she said she doesn’t feel on-edge, angry, and empty all the time anymore.
    I cannot stress enough though that these are strategies for the non-borderline, and you will have to address your own negative contributions to the relationship which might include your own feelings of inadequacy and need for codependency. You have to be willing to address your own demons. I recommend enlisting the help of a therapist while going through this book, it really helped me stay accountable for my own behavior.
    192 people found this helpful
    Report

Top reviews from other countries

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  • Pranamya Akella
    5.0 out of 5 stars recommendation
    Reviewed in India on January 9, 2019
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    It’s definitely a recommendation
  • jan
    5.0 out of 5 stars Stop Walking on Eggshells
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 22, 2010
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    Quite excellent. The burden of having a close family member who suffers from borderline personality disorder is extremely difficult, and this book really reaches out to those who have to deal with this painful burden of an illness. It was so helpful and therapeutic, and will be something I will keep close by from now on. I really cannot recommend it highly enough. Thank you Paul T Mason and Randi Kreger - this really is an invaluable book.
  • MM
    5.0 out of 5 stars Básico para los que amamos a alguien con BPD.
    Reviewed in Mexico on July 12, 2019
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    Realmente de gran utilidad. Este libro fue como disipar una cortina de humo y a partir del entendimiento del TLP las cosas han ido cambiando.
    Report
  • DiscoveryAficionado
    4.0 out of 5 stars A learning experience
    Reviewed in Germany on August 13, 2013
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    I missed an overall summary at the end just to give one the tips all together in one view, It was interesting and insightful. Deffinately helpfull.
  • M
    5.0 out of 5 stars Vademecum utilissimo
    Reviewed in Italy on August 3, 2018
    Format: PaperbackVerified Purchase
    Un libro faticoso per il tema trattato, ma molto dettagliato.
    Offre un'ottima integrazione tra aspetti puramente clinico-scientifici e testimonianze dirette sia di soggetti borderline che di terzi che ne vengono a contatto (partner, famigliari, amici).
    Offre infine una spiegazione pratica di concetti altrimenti piuttosto vaghi se letti nella mera ottica psicodinamica: in questo senso ho trovato utilissima la distinzione tra soggetti borderline "a bassa funzionalità" e ad "alta funzionalità".
    Libro da raccomandare a partner e famigliari ma anche ai terapeuti, proprio per il suo taglio molto pratico e realistico.