MisConception

I am now two months into the mothering thing and I am only just beginning to find my feet. It´s been wonderful and difficult and frustrating and rewarding and a million other things. It will take me a while to catch up with my own feelings, let alone to write them down in some coherent form on this blog.

The birth was a big trauma for me. Not at all what I expected (she says shaking her head in disbelief). But that´s a topic for another day when I feel like reliving the whole thing. Come to think of it, maybe that is the reason why pregnant women never tell you about their labour… 😉

Sometimes I look at baby and just wonder at how amazing it is that she is actually here, after all that happened to us. And I must say that considering all the anxiety and stress that I felt during the pregnancy, she is a remarkably relaxed and happy baby (phew!). Part of me feared that I might have already screwed her up in the womb…

Being a mother is wonderful and I wouldn´t change it for anything in the world, but it´s also a tough and sometimes lonely job. As soon as baby was born, all the older women in my life starting saying things like ´Hang in there, it gets better´, ´this is the loneliest time of your life, but you will get through it´, ´it´s tough but try to enjoy ever moment, they grow up so fast´… The first couple of weeks after the birth, I felt very low. The feeling would creep up on me in the evenings. I suddenly wondered whether I would be able to cope and to give this lovely baby everything she needed and deserved. Being the one responsible for feeding her was a huge weight on my shoulders. I was afraid I wouldn´t have enough milk and that she would starve and of course this just made the whole breastfeeding process more stressful. The thought of this tiny person being totally dependent on me for something as basic and indispensable as food was intimidating. Now I had heard of the baby blues and I knew all of these feelings were quite normal but they still took me by surprise. I thought that the only things I would be feeling would be grateful and lucky to be able to finally hold my baby girl in my arms. It took me some time to admit that this is how I was feeling and when I spoke to a friend about it, she admitted that she had felt the same way and that is was perfectly normal. Fortunately all of those feelings have now gone and I am beginning to feel much more settled into my new role.

And now onto happier and more important things:

Baby girl, I can´t believe you are already two months old! I can´t believe we´ve actually made it to the other side and that you are now safely tucked up in your bed in the other room. I love you so much, more than I could ever have imagined.