Hey guys, long story short, I stopped posting because I decided to move out of state to play college soccer and in the process things got way busy. I’m very happy with my decision and I am well on the way to accepting myself. No big changes as far as coming out as I have many other obstacles to focus on but I just want to reiterate how far I’ve come since starting this blog at the beginning of this year. I have no idea when or if I’ll post again on here but I am on Twitter quite a bit so if you want you can follow me there! @sam7sprack is my handle, thanks again for you’re insight and advice, it’s helped me a ton!
I’m sorry for my prolonged absence over the past couple months. I definitely have stuff to write about but I just gotta get through these last few weeks of school! Just so you know things are going well. Talk to ya soon 🙂
I need you to not forget who I am.
I need you to not forget what you know and what we are.
I need to feel free of judgement and accepted.
I need to be believed and you need to be trusted.
I’m looking forward to having someone. Someone I can call my best friend. Someone I can call my teammate. Someone who I can stand up for. Someone who will have my back.
It’s tough to not be envious of my friends when I see how happy they are with someone else. I know I’ll have that one day, who the hell knows when? But it’ll come and I can’t wait. I know this is a little cheesy but these thoughts have been so prominent in my head for a while now. It’s the kind of stuff Facebook statuses are made of but the emotions are real. I crave that connection like any other teenage kid and I can’t help but wonder when? And who? I know I gotta be patient but that’s just not something I was born with 😛
This was a little outta the blue (as are most of my posts) but it felt good to just relay my thoughts as they wandered through my head. Have a good week!
Hey guys, I know it’s been way too long since my last post. I really want to blame it on being busy with school and stuff but the truth is, I just don’t know what the hell to talk about! It’s all good, though, I’ll just update you on what’s going on with my life as a gay athlete (in recovery).
School’s fine, same old same old, ya know? Most of the time I can’t muster the motivation to do any homework but I’m still getting by. I attribute the lack of motivation to the simple fact that it’s the last semester of my senior year and in addition to that, soccer is about to start! I can’t really talk about soccer without bringing up my knee injury I acquired during State Cup that I mentioned in an earlier post. Basically, the healing process has been unnecessarily drawn out but thanks to a doctor change and a cortisone injection, I think I’m finally on the road to recovery.
Also, I kinda want to talk about the friends I was annoyingly complaining about in a previous post. I mostly just ranted about how pissed off I get when they make homophobic remarks and how ignorant they sound. Well, after talking to some people about it, including some of my readers and the friend I came out to, I’ve come to the realization that I can’t just desert them because their words hurt my feelings. Homophobia is pretty much what they’ve grown up with mainly due to their religious beliefs; that’s just something I have to accept. I am in no way saying that comments like “that’s so gay” and “you’re such a faggot” can be excused solely because the person blurting them doesn’t know any better, but it’s much more effective to make them aware that what they’re saying is wrong rather than just giving them the cold shoulder with no explanation. I really need to work on handling those situations as they present themselves but I’m still scared that if I voice my opinion, they’ll get suspicious.
Lastly, I just wanna give a shout out to my good friend Jeremy from Standing Up Speaking Now. His story was recently published on OutSports, a website that’s all about the LGBT community within sports, give it a look if you haven’t already. On top of that, I want to welcome a new blogger, Matt, a gay teen football player. Check out his blog: underneathitall94. Sorry, this post was unplanned and a little unorganized, I literally just typed as it ran through my head. Have a good one guys!
Let’s get right to it then. So two weekends ago, only a couple hours after publishing my last post, I was just laying in bed being lazy and unproductive like I do every Sunday afternoon when suddenly I was consumed with the most spontaneous, powerful urge. Right away I knew. I knew this time, there was no turning back; I knew I was about to reveal my deepest, darkest secret. Only one person’s face popped into my head so, as my palms became moist, I reached for my phone. The person I was about to text is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life. We’ve been friends for about five years now- she’s more like my sister. It’s impossible to do her justice in just a few lines,to say she is extremely intelligent, well-rounded, and accepting is hardly scratching the surface. In a previous post I mentioned that the first time I come out to someone I wanted it to be face-to-face but I just didn’t have the patience. At that moment, I felt the best way to tell her was to show her my blog. After my thumb hovered over the “send” button for a few seconds I forced myself to press down. I texted her the link to my blog and she replied instantly saying she’d check it out real quick. At that point my heartbeat was rocking my entire body. Although I knew she was going to be supportive and accepting, I felt vulnerable, the walls I built over the years were demolished, there was nowhere to hide. A few minutes later she replied with “what is this?” This wasn’t necessarily bad but it wasn’t what I expected. I told her “It’s my blog!” But she didn’t believe it was really me. After a couple minutes of convincing her I was being serious, she called me. Her tone was, for lack of better words, indifferent. Again, this was not bad, her response just didn’t match my prediction. She explained to me that she was proud of me and would obviously support me. We talked for awhile about different things like why our shot at romance in the 9th grade never really caught fire which was something I had looked forward to explaining (it was a laughing matter). After the conversation ended it still hadn’t sunk in. It wasn’t until she came to my house a few days later that I realized how much of an effect my coming out had on both of us.
She walked into my room baring cookies and a three page note that I read after she left, I don’t cry easy but honestly, I didn’t stand a chance.. For the few hours she was here, we pretty much covered everything pertaining to my being gay and society’s ignorance and how it’s opened her eyes and made her look at herself differently. I have never felt so close to another person in my life. Much like the feeling I experienced when creating my blog , I felt liberated, like there was a thousand pound weight lifted off my chest. Finally I had someone I could be myself with one-hundred percent.
It’s hard for me to summarize the whole story, for some reason I feel like I can’t find the right words to express how grateful I am. I can assure you that I’m happy with my decision to tell her. We’ve become even closer and I look forward to having her by my side through the ups and downs of this journey. I also want to reiterate how thankful I am to have your guy’s support. I’m not sure I could have taken that huge step and told anyone if it weren’t for the overwhelming encouragement and positive feedback I’ve received from my readers and other bloggers.
Lastly, after our heart-to-heart, she told me how she still had so much to say but didn’t know how to let it all out. I suggested she created a blog of her own and I was thrilled when she decided to roll with it. Her blog will shed some light on what our conversation consisted of and will give you her point of view on my coming out.She has a beautiful perspective on life and her opinion is well-worth the read. Anyways, it’s called adeeperlook27 I strongly recommend you check it out.
Well, it has been awhile now hasn’t it? I apologize for my lengthy absence; the past two weeks were spent scrambling to catch up on school work that I, as a typical teenager, procrastinated until the last minute. Now that all the stress first semester brought has been extinguished, I’m ridiculously eager to welcome all the new stress the last hald of the year will bring. I’m expecting most of my classes will stay the same as far as workload but there are a couple of classes, math in particular, that I predict will be more difficult next semester (I suck at math.) Luckily conditioning for high school soccer starts next week and, although it’ll be tough to balance school and soccer, I find it easier to focus on academics when I have something to look forward to and keep me motivated.
Outside of school things are going smoothly for the most part. The only really unpleasant thing that’s happening is that I find myself drifting apart from my two really close friends. I mentioned them in my last post when I talked about homophobic comments, but since I posted that, I’ve noticed their ignorance even more. The up-side of all this is that I don’t care as much as I thought I would. I don’t know if they notice the detachment but quite frankly, I don’t care.
Talking consistently with other bloggers has somewhat helped to fill the gap left by my other friends. I know I’ve said this before but it’s extremely refreshing being able to relate to other guys about my situation and talk about all the little things that occupy a large part of my mind like love, school, sports, family, friends, not particularly in that order but you get the idea. If you’re finding yourself in a tough situation and feeling alone, I strongly urge you to contact one of us, it’s very therapeutic to have an outlet for your feelings whether it be a blog, journal, or someone else. It has done wonders for me.
Changing the subject, The Hunger Games books are starting to become an obsession. I’m currently in the middle of the second one and I can’t put it down. They’re a really easy read but the story is captivating and always keeps you on your toes. If you’re wondering, I’m definitely team Peeta as of right now but I wouldn’t be surprised if I change my mind after I read the next page. I almost don’t want the books to end but on the other hand, I have the movies to look forward to. I guess we’ll see if they do the books justice, the first one looks promising.
Last week I came across a YouTube video that’s funny as hell and probably fairly accurate. You may have already seen it but if not, Enjoy!
Over the past couple weeks I’ve become aware of some negative feedback this particular video has gotten. Some say that it’s condoning the stereotypes that are often thrust upon gay males. This is not the way I see it at all. I am familiar enough with this YouTuber to know that he is, in fact, supportive of homosexuality. In my opinion, this video was made to make people realize how silly, inaccurate, and unnecessary these presumptions are. In addition to the humorous aspect of the video, there is definitely a sarcastic nature which is why I think it’s so effective.
“That’s so gay,” “Your such a fag!” Really? I can’t believe how ignorant you just sounded. I am so sick of hearing these idiotic remarks everywhere I go. I used to not even notice when people said them; thankfully, that has changed. The worst is hearing these comments come out of your friend’s mouths, I cringe every time. All I can say is it’s good I became friends with them before I opened my eyes to how stupid they sound, ’cause if I hear anyone say stuff like that now I lose a ton of respect for them as well as any desire to get to know them or interact with them at all. I probably notice it a lot more now but my friends say shit like that all the time, guy or girl, and every time I bite my tongue. I want to ask them if they really mean what they’re saying or if it’s just a nasty habit caused by a narrow-minded society. My bet is on the latter but, being the paranoid, closeted 18-year-old I am, I try to avoid any conversation on the subject in fear of being found. I really do think I could show them how ridiculous it sounds, and hopefully get them to think twice before they say “Wow he is so gay,” “Nice shot, faggot,” or the worst one of all and my best friend’s favorite, “Oh my GAY.” Those questions are always on the tip of my tongue but when I’m about to blurt them out I become consumed with the fear of how awkward the situation would be if they knew. I’m a terrible liar and I’m sure they could see I was hurt by the look on my face. I’m surprised they haven’t noticed it by now.
My friends aren’t terrible people, though. I’ve grown up with them and we’ve developed a brotherhood both on and off the field. I can be myself around them (except for the gay part) and I know they have my back. I want to be open with them so badly, but I’m terrified of losing them. The main two I’m referring to will be leaving to serve their Mormon mission a year from now and I really want to give them a chance at accepting me before then. I know it would be an amazing feeling to have my two best friends fully accept me for who I was; I wish I could say screw it and just tell them but something’s always holding me back. I’m constantly telling myself to wait until after we graduate or until soccer’s over for good but there’s always gonna be excuses. Another possible outcome is that they say the accept me to my face but then they just avoid me and stop asking me to chill and play ping-pong and FIFA and go get 4 beefy crunches at Taco Bell and all the other stuff we do. I don’t know, I suppose everything will figure itself out eventually, I just gotta be patient.
Changing the subject, I really want to update my blog more but I lack subjects for posts. I know the whole purpose of having a blog is to say whatever the hell I want but I don’t want to just blabber on about nothing. Hopefully my life will become a little more eventful with soccer starting next month, but for now my life is dictated my the stress of never-ending homework and waking up at 5:30 in the morning for attendance school. I am, however, about to start the Hunger Games series, strongly recommended by my southern gent friend, Jeremy, so maybe that will inspire some posts!
Glancing back on last year, I notice there’s a lot of things I would change if I could, but as I look closer, I realize that it was those bumps in the road that made me who I am today. That sounds really cliché but I learned a lot from those mishaps and, in a weird way, I’m thankful for them.
Aside from all that, here are some things I’m looking forward to THIS year.
Graduation– I can’t believe I only have one more semester of high school. It’s a bitter-sweet feeling ’cause it’s the end of a huge chapter in my life, but I am SO excited to start a new one and decide what I want to do with my future.
Coming Out– I’m hoping I’ll be able to gather the courage to totally come out this year. I really want to be able to start college being open with everyone and fully accepting of myself. I know this blog will help a lot with that. Like I said before, I can feel it building up inside, I’m just waiting for the right time. It’ll probably be a gradual process and I’m fine with that.
**Regionals- This October, my club team competed in State Cup, a tournament held after the league season in which the top 16 (14 in our case) teams in the state compete against each other to gain entrance to the regional tournament in June. My team entered as the 9th seeded team in the state, we were grouped against our league rivals along with the 5-time defending state champs that were obviously favorites to win. The two other teams played first, and surprisingly enough, the defending champs were upset by our rivals, 2-0. We played the favorites later that week; we had never played them before so we were feeling the nerves. We scored literally within 15- seconds. Then, ugh I hate this part, I dislocated my kneecap about 30 minutes into the match. It was the second time it has had happened and I knew I was done. I was in shock, it was the worst timed injury ever and I hate to talk about it,so I was forced to watch the rest of the tournament from the bench… moving on. We ended up winning 3-1! It was a HUGE upset, nobody could believe they were knocked out in group play, needless to say, the 2nd ranked team thought it was finally their year for sure. The following match against our rivals was simply to see who would top the group, we won after a hard-fought game 1-0 so we were to face the 2nd place team of another group in the quarterfinals (sorry this is confusing just try to stay with me). This team had knocked us out of the same tournament the last two years, and there was no way history was going to repeat itself, we won 2-1. Our rivals, to our dismay, beat the first place team of the other group so the semi-final would be one last showdown between us. We battled back and forth all afternoon but neither of us could deal the final blow. We tied 2-2 at the end of OT so the game was to be decided from the spot. We were perfect, they weren’t. We won 5-3 on penalty kicks, keep in mind this is the U-18 age group so this was our last chance to take it all. The final, sure enough, was between us and the 2nd seeded team. We were so pumped, but the nerves got the best of us, we were down 2-0 at halftime and we were inches away from giving up. The second half got underway and we finally started to settle in and find a rhythm. For our entire 3 years of existence, our philosophy has always been based on possession and we were knocking the ball around well. Although we were starting to gain momentum, their striker, who’s a freakin’ stud of a player, completed his hat-trick and made it 3-0 with 20 minutes to go. Completely demoralized and heartbroken, we could all feel the sun start to set on our last year together. However, we had become a family over these last years and we weren’t about to let all the commitment be in vein. With about 12 minutes left, our center-mid put away a well-struck free kick. There was no pressure, we were just happy we wouldn’t be shut out. 5 minutes later, one of our strikers drove a cross into the box from the left flank, it struck the inside of the post, took and deflection of an opposing team member’s head and went in. It was so lucky, but it ignited a fire. We were desperate. Our center-back was on a mission, he wasn’t restrained to one position anymore, he was all over the field looking for a chance. With 5 minutes left, he got a chance and he took it. After stringing a few passes together on their side of the field, he received the ball about 22 yards from goal. He ripped it, the keeper had no chance, it swerved into the upper-90. Beautiful. The score remained tied 3-3 through OT. The state championship would be decided on penalties. We missed our first but our keeper made a brilliant stop and eventually, we were tied at 4-4. Their next player missed, it was down to one last kick. Our striker finished it. We are now state champions. The best part about winning it this year is that nobody can take it from us. So that probably should’ve been its own post but I can’t help but tell the entire story! Anyways, we are going to regionals in June and we’ll be facing the best teams in the Western U.S. for a spot at nationals. I’m too stoked!
College- As of now, my plan is to go to college in the fall and major in marketing. Eventually I want to tie it in with sports and develop marketing campaigns for sports teams/organizations or something like that. I’m also talking to a couple of coaches about playing soccer in college which has been my goal for several years now, but we’ll see what happens. My performance at regionals could affect that situation since there will be a ton of college coaches there.
So those are just a few things I’m excited for this year.. the second one might take longer but only time will tell. Thanks for reading and sorry if you’re not into soccer; I didn’t mean for that to be so long 😉 Happy New Year everyone!!!
My blog has only been up for about 24 hours and I’m completely taken back at the amount of support I’ve received. It’s extremely comforting to know that people I haven’t even met before take time to read what I have to say and show me their support. One thing I’ve learned already is that strength is gained and reinforced through the support of others. Throughout this week I had the privilege to speak with Sam from Sam I Am, Jeremy from Standing Up Speaking Now, Ben from Walk the Road, and my first group of readers that commented on my previous post. Not only did they welcome me to the blogging world with open arms, they also offered some very helpful advice that will undoubtedly help me with my situation. After hearing what they had to say, I had this new-found confidence I’ve never felt before. When I woke up this morning I felt the urge to blow off all my hesitations and text one of my close (female) friends and tell her. I kept replaying the possible scenarios in my head and it was kind of overwhelming. Despite the sudden urge, I still managed to resist (anti-climactic, I know). I just wasn’t ready yet and I don’t want to force it. Despite all that, I know I won’t be able to contain that urge much longer, hell it could happen tomorrow for all I know. On top of all that, I want the first time I come out to be face-to-face.
Other than that, my day was pretty uneventful, I just kinda laid around and played some Call of Duty until I had to go to futsal (indoor soccer on a hard surface). The night is still young, though so I’ll probably try to find something to do, plus I’m starving so I’m gonna be done for now. I’ll keep you guys posted!
Oh here’s a little fun fact to send you away with: My Header picture was taken in Newport Beach, California at like 6 in the AM when I was there for a soccer tournament. I LOVE that place. It was taken on my phone so that’s why it’s not the best quality.
Hit the Ground Running 