3460. She did it for the money

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Everyone was ever so slightly stunned when eighty-four year old Cuthbert Sinclair married twenty-seven year old Tracey Summerville. “She did it for the money,” everyone declared.

Cuthbert Sinclair had lived alone for many years. He hoarded money. He hardly spent a penny on himself, although he had a nice car and a nice house. But he was reputed to be a billionaire, and now with no relatives nor descendants to stop him, he’d gone and married that money-grabbing floozy called Tracey Summerville. She did it for the money.

In a rare interview Cuthbert had said quite openly that Tracey had married him for his money. “She married me for my money. What’s wrong with that? Someone has to get it.”

They asked Tracey the same thing: why did you marry Cuthbert? “I did it for the money,” she said.

Well goodness me! What comments on social media! What letters to the paper! What outrage on talkback shows!

Getting married for the money is one thing; to admit it is another. “This is the most devastating undermining of the sanctity of marriage that we have ever witnessed in the contemporary world,” trembled Nora Swinburn of 246 Flint Road, Norbury.

Cuthbert Sinclair was interviewed again. What did he think of the fuss?

He smiled. “Ever heard of minding your own business?” he asked.

3459. Matilde’s birthday

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Poor little Matilde. It was her eighth birthday and her parents had forgotten. She had looked forward to it for days but she never said anything. It would look like she was greedy or something if she mentioned it. The day dawned and no one said a thing.

School time came and no one said a thing.

The evening meal came and went and no one said a thing.

Matilde went to bed and no one said a thing.

That was her birthday gone. It wouldn’t be the same if they remembered her birthday the next day.

3458. Welcome to the street

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Elma was long enough living on the street that she could perhaps be labelled “an established resident”. Some others had lived longer on the street but Elma considered it part of her neighbourly duty to welcome any new residents who arrived. That is why she invited newly arrived Mr. and Mrs. Jefferies to dinner. “Just a light evening meal. I’ll go to no trouble. It’s just a getting-to-know-you occasion.”

The occasion went well; some cold meats and salads with a wine served with a most pleasant conversation. And of course there was dessert.

Elma always had in the freezer a pre-prepared rhubarb and apple cobbler. Just twenty to thirty minutes or so from frozen in the oven was enough to make it hot. It would be served with a dollop of ice cream. Of course she would never put the cobbler on the table in the dish it was frozen in. It was a foil container suitable for the freezer.  She would dish up a potion in the kitchen into each plate and serve it that way.

When she stuck the serving spoon into the heated cobbler she struck something hard. It was a dead mouse. Ugh – how did that ever get in there? How did it get frozen? A dead mouse! It was the most disgusting thing that Elma had ever seen.

Well, thought Elma, necessity is the mother of invention. The guests thought the rhubarb and apple cobbler dessert was delightful.

3456. Neighbourly help

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Yvonne from Australia, who follows this blog and frequently comments, sent me this story. It so fitted into the style I like that I post it here. It comes from a group on Facebook that she belongs to. Thanks Yvonne.

Just helped my neighbour bury a rolled up carpet in the woods. Her boyfriend would’ve done it, but he’s out of town.

3455. Drone on

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It was remarkable. Fourteen year old Petro was doing what scientists had said was impossible. The Great Nation (the most powerful country in the world) was sending a single drone to drop a catastrophic bomb on their most hated (and hateful) enemy. What Petro had done was to crack the code and he was now manipulating the drone from the little desk in his bedroom.

It was a full-time job; he couldn’t let go of the controls for one second until he had stabilized the drone’s flight plan. The scientists would wrench control back. He called out to his younger sister: “Maggie, pick a country! Hurry!”

“Saudi Arabia,” she said. Petro looked at the list of countries’ geodetic datum coordinates  he had made and pinned to the wall. “Saudi Arabia it is!”

“This is such fun!” he said. “They’re not going to believe at school what I just done.”

3454. Hypnotherapy

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Raymond was a hypnotist – and a very good one he was. He didn’t use his skill for psychological or medical reasons; he used it to entertain. Large crowds were drawn to his shows. In fact people scrambled over one another in an attempt to get chosen to be part of Raymond’s hypnotic act.

He would get the selected audience member to do stupid things when in an hypnotic trance. For example he got one person to applaud furiously whenever the word “goat” was mentioned. Someone lay on their back on the stage floor and wiggled their legs in the air like a frustrated spider. There were many, many entertaining commands given.

Near the end of his most recent show he went to hypnotize this man and told him he was to walk around and around the stage and every seven steps he was to stop and do a little of the “President Trump Dance”. So entrancing was his hypnotizing that he hypnotized himself. He began walking around the stage stopping to do the Trump dance. It was hilarious.

After a while his wife came up on stage and announced that was the conclusion of the evening’s entertainment. It would take several hours for her husband’s hypnosis to wear off. The audience left, well satisfied.

“That was very convincing, dear,” said his wife. “You can come out of it now.” And he did. “Did you pay the performers we hired?” was his first question.

“The usual,” she said.

3453. Murderous intent

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It seemed impossible. Graeme had tried at least three times to murder his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend. It simply hadn’t worked. He’d tried poison; he’d tried arranging a car accident; he’d tried shooting him point blank in the chest. None had worked the way he had intended. The guy seemed immune to being murdered.

The mother of the ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend had drunk the poisonous concoction. The sister of the new boyfriend had driven the car. The gunshot in the chest missed; it was too dark to see properly.

Graeme had his heart set on trying one last time. This time he would make sure it worked.  In the dead of night he threw a Molotov cocktail through the bedroom window.

Wrong house.

3452. You’ve no idea

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Bad luck seems to have followed Hilton Friedlander all his life. He needed a change of scene; a change of life style; a change from getting accused of this, that, and the other; a change from being the hot topic of gossip in the village.

Jenny-Lee had a baby girl and the gossip said Hilton Friedlander was the father. Rosina Beaconsfield had disappeared and somehow Hilton Friedlander was suspected of being responsible. An historic house in the village had burned to the ground and Hilton Friedlander was presumed to have started it. Yes, a change of scene was definitely in order.

Hilton Friedlander sold his house for a song and moved to another village more than a hundred miles away. What a mistake that was. You’ve no idea what the new house owners discovered under the floorboards. You’ve no idea what the new house owners discovered behind the false wall in the closet. You’ve no idea what the new house owners discovered in the boarded-up garret.

Well, I’m not a gossip. If you haven’t any idea what the new house owners discovered I’m not going to be the one to tell you.

3451. Bus trips

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Mrs Dockery caught the bus most evenings into town. She had long retired from being a nurse at the hospital but, as she said to the bus driver: “I like to take in a film or the theatre or even a quiet meal in some not overly busy restaurant. It takes the monotony out of life; after all I’m alone at home during the day with very little to do.”

But all good things must come to an end. As she said to the bus driver:  “The police have warned of a serial killer in the area and I’m not going to take the chance of meeting him in a dark alleyway. I shall refrain from taking the daily bus trip until there’s better safety news.”

As luck would have it, the serial killings stopped at the same time as Mrs Dockery stopped taking the bus into town most evenings. After a while it seemed safe once again for her to take the bus. Anyway, the monotony of staying at home with little to do had become overbearing.

The bus trips resumed. So did the serial killings.