Weaseltongue

Dear Vast Complicated Universe,

I hate to have to bring this up in writing but I am less than impressed with the show you put on today. We had a lot of aggressive advertisement, describing a Total Solar Eclipse with pictures of black and bright white balls coming together and falling apart. There was covert suggestion of live ball movement that we can actually see in the sky in the evening.

I need hardly say the event itself was a huge letdown. It didn’t even live up to the lame “ball meets ball” pictures! All I got to see was dusk fall a couple of hours early. Big deal! This is simply false advertising! Might I refer you to movies like Independence Day, Star Wars, Charlie’s Angels etc for examples of fantastic special effects in “universe depiction” that by far eclipse (excuse the expression) your genuine entertainment fare.

Having much vaster resources than the crew of these movies, it would be natural (excuse the expression) to expect a much grander show from you. As the “real thing”, you should better them, not be a pale comparison! Entirety of space and time indeed!

Forgive my plain speaking, I understand there is considerable stress of hosting the very same event every six months for centuries together, but we must all evolve, if we want to survive in the competitive entertainment industry. That’s just how the world (excuse the expression) works!

I for one have lost faith in your “responsible” institution and will never be able to anticipate the images your team distributes with any degree of confidence. I am shaken at this flagrant violation of universal (excuse the expression) ethics and public trust.

At the very least, you must to have a meeting with your marketing department and come up with a new campaign involving one of the words – boring, bored, bored out of your blessed skull, in the advertisement, or should I say vile propaganda? Just to set the expectations straight. Otherwise I will be forced to explore legal remedies!

I also have a few suggestions for improvement of viewer experience as far as the actual event goes

— Add some color to the proceedings. Black and white becomes VERY passe after a few centuries. I recommend a mix of a few pastel shades with a hint of glitter, nothing gaudy mind you, but blended well for an overall glam factor

— Maybe some sounds at strategic points would highlight the event more impressively, and involve the user more, so that we know when exactly to be enthralled. You already have the “Thunder Rolls” soundtrack. Maybe an S&M version would add the necessary dramatic touches to a frankly insignificant few hours.

— A bit more of an educational approach during the actual event would help underline its significance. The complete lack of communication during the show makes the whole experience rather one sided. Something more interactive is required to interest the audience, perhaps, an emcee? “Ladies and gentlemen, observe to the right, the small sun is getting smaller, and a dark circle is taking it over, AND IT GETS SMALLER …AND SMALLER….now its getting bigger …and bigger …AND BIGGER… Please don’t look directly at it… ”

— Some prizes or keepsakes in memory of each event. That will add a dash of excitement and ensure the event is remembered longer than 30 seconds. I suggest mementos of hyper-compressed carbon allotropes. This also helps build goodwill, true love and some anticipation for the next upcoming event. Plus you can have a trivia contest exclusively for the dorks who know waaaay too much about these events and have no other harmless safety valve to show off such sensitive information.

— Something in the nature (excuse the expression) of refreshments, a soda and popcorn franchise or two would enliven the dull moments, which, lets face it, are plenty.

Frankly, predictability is out man, you need to move with the times, understand the vagaries of fashion, constantly reinvent yourself, keep running just to stay in the same place, find out who moved the cheese, look back and forward, in your case maybe even up and down and all around, build a vision for a better tomorrow that the common man can buy into, with honesty, courage and taste!

I don’t mean to discourage you on an otherwise splendid job, these are just a few areas of improvement I see and I am sure you will understand this is in the spirit of pure constructive feedback. This is just one of those things that doesn’t make it in its present form, which is not to say its a total waste of time (just partial at my end of the world, a little eclipse humor there, haha)! Seriously, I am sure this cosmic event has a lot of potential, its just low key. Nothing some professional event management won’t fix! Finally, kudos on running this show consistently for so many centuries!

Sincerely,

A concerned speck