Sorry for the late reply, but I just don’t go on here much anymore. The answers to your specific questions are in the blog. I was a good man, then I was a lost man, then a penitent man. Now i think I’m just a man flaws and all
Take care
Uoti

Christine

Firstly I glad that some of my blog has been of some help to you. I left it there for that reason alone and I very rarely revisit it now, but it makes me glad that I did.

Believe me 2 years is not so long a time – it feels like it when you’re in pain, but time really does help, cliché I know but the further away from it you get the less it will cut but only if you’re willing to let some of it go. Now before you draw away from this blog in disgust and before anyone else chimes in I know that that is one of the hardest thing in the world to do – probably even harder than overcoming trust issues! Letting even some of it go is almost like condoning his affair by saying it’s ok. It’s not ok and it’s not condoning his actions, what it is is a way for you to gain distance and move away from the pain (again a lot easier said than done especially if the OW splashed all over the internet). Don’t beat yourself up too much over the causes of the affair either (yeah, yeah I know easier said…) you may have taken him for granted, treated him like shit etc but that is over now, learn from this horrible time and appreciate each other like never before. Your marriage will never be the same and I will never buy into the whole “our marriage is better than ever” line but it does get easier and you will develop a new relationship one where you never take it for granted that they will be there no matter what your behaviour, one where you respect each others needs a little more.

Rebuilding trust is an ongoing project for us, I give her no reason not to trust me now – literally my life is like an open book to her, I leave my phone around so if she wants to see it she can, we even swap mobiles now and again (remember she had a secret life too!) When I’m on our laptop I never hide in the corner of the settee and shield the screen like I used to. This blog is my only vice and if she ever asked to see it I would show it to her in an instant. There is no special secret to rebuilding trust other than that. Triggers are a little more difficult to deal with as they can sprung on you without warning, I would say avoid them but not all of them can be. I still squirm when a TV programme shows 2 characters playing around or the topic of affairs comes up in the newspaper or in magazines and especially when we are in a group of friends and one starts to spout knowledgeably on about how they would leave their partner if they discovered an affair, how that would be a deal-breaker (bullshit!) etc etc. What can you do other than either ignore it (with varying degrees of success) or talk about it with your husband discuss why it’s a trigger, don’t let that discussion become an excuse for railing at him for the affair but use it as a tool to take away some of the sting.

Lastly I can’t go into too much detail as that’s is for her to tell but yes my wife has self esteem issues, some dating from way before the affairs (hers and mine) and certainly some after that I first inflicted with my affair and then that was self inflicted by her own. These have smashed her confidence and if money was no object that is what I would book the therapy for. Couples therapy was very hit and miss for us and she pulled out if it before I did but I would urge her to go to therapy to help her to rebuild her confidence and self esteem. By the way I also had an affair with a woman who was the polar opposite from my wife and that was the topic of many a screaming fight! It is not a statement on how you look or who you are – believe me, I can put my hand over my heart and tell you that I can guarantee that is the same for your husband. Remember he was attracted to you enough that he started to date you and then fell for you deeply enough to want to spend the rest of his life with you. His tastes in women hasn’t changed, mine certainly haven’t. I can guarantee you are still as beautiful to him now as the day he first met you. I met my wife back when we were teenagers and yes there are some lines around her eyes and yes there is some grey in the hair (she won’t thank me for saying that at all!) but she still takes my breath away when we dress up and go out for dinner and I still watch her when she sleeps so I can see her relax and lose some of the worry from her day.

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a ramble and I certainly typed more than I had intended, but I hope some of my (less than focused) words help in some way.

Take care
UOTI

Your blog has allowed me to see the raw pain and remorse my husband is going through. When you are the person betrayed, all you can see is your own pain. My focus has been on myself, and why would he (my husband) want to do this to us, our kids, etc. Affairs rarely happen in a vacuum. Our marriage was heading for a major downfall after our foreclosure and my pre-occupation with our kiddos. Not to mention I completely took him for granted, treated him like shit, was overly controlling. But then D-Day and post D-Day, I act like such a martyr because, hey, I didn’t cheat on him even though I was going through depression/mid-life crisis as well.

Would you consider writing more about what has helped the two of you rebuild trust and how you both deal with triggers? I know the blog was at the time helping you purge a lot in a safe place and maybe you don’t need that so much now. Maybe you enjoy writing and can help us poor souls out? The other question I have, albeit a personal one, is your wife having any self esteem issues and if so, how has she dealt with that? I never had a problem with that before affair. Not that I’m so special to look at but now I am can’t stand the fact that he chose someone who is the complete opposite of me. Lastly, if money were no object, would you consider more therapy at this point?

Thanks, more than you know,
Christine

Hi UOTI, great to hear from you my brother. Glad things are still progressing. I am doing well. Got something for the depression i didn’t realize I had and started moving forward. Still working with the OW, but keep our interaction to a minimum. Making sure things are taken care of at home too. give us an update every so often.

I am so glad to hear things are going better for you. And you have finally quit beating yourself up 🙂 I am not sure how things are going for me??? Am I where I want to be, NO am I better than i was YES!!! alot has happened since we were on this blog. I wish you well and hope you will check in more often!

just thought i’d give you an update and I can’t be bothered to start a new thread….

I’m not tempting fate (i’ve given up on tweaking that bitch’s teats!) but things are going well. We are still together, we are still in love and we are not tearing each other into little tiny, weny bits. No more eulogising, nor moping. Trust is still an issue although not anywhere near as bad and it is slowly returning. Although we have done our level best to destroy each other we have battled on and are still standing. Will i take our relationship for granted in the future? no! will i think this peace will last forever? no!

I guess what i’m trying to say is that we will take it a day at a time, we can make plans and follow them through but we don’t take it for granted that they will happen and so we work at them (as you should even if your relationship hasn’t taken the beatings that ours has). Life is moving on and we are moving with it.

I hope you all can say the same (or better!!)soon
UOTI