What am I about?
wow that’s a deep question for so early on in the day….
I’m a guy who betrayed his family in a most terrible fashion. Phew there’s a statement and a half huh! Yes I had an affair and the devastation it has caused is all-encompassing and consuming. This blog is like many others I guess, a way of sorting through all the myriad toxic thoughts that are rotting my poor overcooked brain and tarnishing my soul (the stain on my soul is quite big enough thank you) It’s a chance for me to pour it all out, a way of getting it all out in the open without getting it all out in the open.
In no way will I try to shift blame or the responsibilty for my affair, I allowed it to happen. There are two participants in these poisoned relationships and I must bear my part of the burden. In no way do I condone or glorify adultery (hypocritical I know but there you have it) and most likely I will offend someone, whether it by the amount of profanity I will be using or most likely by those who are hurting from their own betrayal, for this I apologise in advance.
Feel free to comment, but please if you do show a modicum of respect for other’s views that may differ from yours but are perfectly valid. That said any truly offensive comments – racist, sexist or totally insensitive will not be published.
Ugly on the Inside 
Glad to see you started your blog.
Hi Jane
thanks for stopping by 🙂
You write so well…clear. I hear all that you are saying. We are all in this boat together….
Thank you….so much. I appreciate the honesty here. My husband had an affair. I just wanted to read something, possibly from his point of view. Your honesty has helped me. I truly hope your marriage has survived.
Hi there, I’m very sorry to hear that yet another person has had to go through this.
Yes (touch wood and thank God) my marriage has survived all of this, not in the same shape as it was before but so much better than the early days. We still struggle with trust issues but we mostly get through those moments when we have no choice but to trust the other.
I truly hope you and your husband get clear of this mire, you will have to learn to trust him again (definitely easier said than done) and you can’t go back to the way it was before – you will both have to accept that reality! but you can both still be in love with each other and move forward.
Good luck
uoti,
I read your blog late into last night. Then up at 5am to read the rest. Read it all. Thank you for leaving the blog up. It is helping people like me. Nearly two years out and I think obsessively about my man and the OW. Doesn’t help her face is all over the internet. But I digress.
Your blog has allowed me to see the raw pain and remorse my husband is going through. When you are the person betrayed, all you can see is your own pain. My focus has been on myself, and why would he (my husband) want to do this to us, our kids, etc. Affairs rarely happen in a vacuum. Our marriage was heading for a major downfall after our foreclosure and my pre-occupation with our kiddos. Not to mention I completely took him for granted, treated him like shit, was overly controlling. But then D-Day and post D-Day, I act like such a martyr because, hey, I didn’t cheat on him even though I was going through depression/mid-life crisis as well.
Would you consider writing more about what has helped the two of you rebuild trust and how you both deal with triggers? I know the blog was at the time helping you purge a lot in a safe place and maybe you don’t need that so much now. Maybe you enjoy writing and can help us poor souls out? The other question I have, albeit a personal one, is your wife having any self esteem issues and if so, how has she dealt with that? I never had a problem with that before affair. Not that I’m so special to look at but now I am can’t stand the fact that he chose someone who is the complete opposite of me. Lastly, if money were no object, would you consider more therapy at this point?
Thanks, more than you know,
Christine
Christine
Firstly I glad that some of my blog has been of some help to you. I left it there for that reason alone and I very rarely revisit it now, but it makes me glad that I did.
Believe me 2 years is not so long a time – it feels like it when you’re in pain, but time really does help, cliché I know but the further away from it you get the less it will cut but only if you’re willing to let some of it go. Now before you draw away from this blog in disgust and before anyone else chimes in I know that that is one of the hardest thing in the world to do – probably even harder than overcoming trust issues! Letting even some of it go is almost like condoning his affair by saying it’s ok. It’s not ok and it’s not condoning his actions, what it is is a way for you to gain distance and move away from the pain (again a lot easier said than done especially if the OW splashed all over the internet). Don’t beat yourself up too much over the causes of the affair either (yeah, yeah I know easier said…) you may have taken him for granted, treated him like shit etc but that is over now, learn from this horrible time and appreciate each other like never before. Your marriage will never be the same and I will never buy into the whole “our marriage is better than ever” line but it does get easier and you will develop a new relationship one where you never take it for granted that they will be there no matter what your behaviour, one where you respect each others needs a little more.
Rebuilding trust is an ongoing project for us, I give her no reason not to trust me now – literally my life is like an open book to her, I leave my phone around so if she wants to see it she can, we even swap mobiles now and again (remember she had a secret life too!) When I’m on our laptop I never hide in the corner of the settee and shield the screen like I used to. This blog is my only vice and if she ever asked to see it I would show it to her in an instant. There is no special secret to rebuilding trust other than that. Triggers are a little more difficult to deal with as they can sprung on you without warning, I would say avoid them but not all of them can be. I still squirm when a TV programme shows 2 characters playing around or the topic of affairs comes up in the newspaper or in magazines and especially when we are in a group of friends and one starts to spout knowledgeably on about how they would leave their partner if they discovered an affair, how that would be a deal-breaker (bullshit!) etc etc. What can you do other than either ignore it (with varying degrees of success) or talk about it with your husband discuss why it’s a trigger, don’t let that discussion become an excuse for railing at him for the affair but use it as a tool to take away some of the sting.
Lastly I can’t go into too much detail as that’s is for her to tell but yes my wife has self esteem issues, some dating from way before the affairs (hers and mine) and certainly some after that I first inflicted with my affair and then that was self inflicted by her own. These have smashed her confidence and if money was no object that is what I would book the therapy for. Couples therapy was very hit and miss for us and she pulled out if it before I did but I would urge her to go to therapy to help her to rebuild her confidence and self esteem. By the way I also had an affair with a woman who was the polar opposite from my wife and that was the topic of many a screaming fight! It is not a statement on how you look or who you are – believe me, I can put my hand over my heart and tell you that I can guarantee that is the same for your husband. Remember he was attracted to you enough that he started to date you and then fell for you deeply enough to want to spend the rest of his life with you. His tastes in women hasn’t changed, mine certainly haven’t. I can guarantee you are still as beautiful to him now as the day he first met you. I met my wife back when we were teenagers and yes there are some lines around her eyes and yes there is some grey in the hair (she won’t thank me for saying that at all!) but she still takes my breath away when we dress up and go out for dinner and I still watch her when she sleeps so I can see her relax and lose some of the worry from her day.
Sorry this has turned into a bit of a ramble and I certainly typed more than I had intended, but I hope some of my (less than focused) words help in some way.
Take care
UOTI