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Archive for the ‘suicide’ Category

i feel like pulling my hair out.

September 25, 2008

like the title of this post states, i do indeed feel like pulling my hair out. have not done so though. the anxiety is immense. anxiety about what? who knows; i sure as hell don’t. there is only one way this can go down. oh please, let me get through the night..

Posted in anxiety disorder, depression, fear, suicide | Tagged anxiety disorder, depression, Self-injury, stress, worry | Leave a Comment »

barely conscious

May 12, 2008

things are such shit.

i tried thinking about how i should go about starting this post. after an hour of pointless thoughts, i realized i only could have started it that way. i cried in the shower, as it has become a custom and has also ruined my showers permanently. even though much isn’t happening, my mind is in a frenzied mess. i’m really worried about my grandfather. he still hasn’t woken up. and what if he doesn’t?

i keep telling myself it’s not my fault.. that he is sick. that me being miserable and worthless has nothing to do with it. ..but maybe if i was more successful and could get him to come to the United States, he would be treated now and he would be okay and my family would be okay. instead i’m a failure and i haven’t done squat with my life. he is there because i have no efforts or hopes.

*throws her hands up in the air* right, like the gester has ever helped anyone. this especially doesn’t help my mother with all that she has on her plate now. i have been a useless offspring, surely disappointing. although i hadn’t been a particularly troublesome child, she hangs onto the idea that i have not commited serious wrongs, but what would she say if she knew all the bad things i have done?

i am cold. my heart is cold. chills up and down my back and shoulders. my breathing is slow. i feel that i am no longer here. i wish i were diagnosed and given medications, then i could take them all now and end it. i’m almost dead already. and what will the crying and self-harming do now? nothing; there’s not even temporary relief anymore. i have to now and bruising is the method of the moment. this is a bit difficult since it is rather noisy to smash your arm into the corner of a desk repeatedly while someone is sleeping not 4 feet from you. i can’t go unpunished or untarnished, especially not today.. not on Mother’s Day.

oh, please let me go.

update:

done deed. it hurts to pick up a bottle of water. i feel worse.

Posted in anxiety disorder, bruising, death, depression, fear, guilt, loneliness, relationships, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | Tagged anxiety, bruising, cold, crying, cutting, dead, depression, disappointment, grandfather, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | 6 Comments »

keeping this short, but not so sweet

April 24, 2008

i see myself entering a deep depression, triggered by this situation with my grandfather. anxiety has been high and energy very low. so tired that i dont want to be awake anymore. i want to swallow a bottle of pills and not wake up. self-injury has consumed my thoughts. i stare at them in bed, while i’m driving, and looking in the bathroom mirror everytime i’m in there. it’s getting harder to cover up, but again they’re only minor marks. i feel dead and it’s making me miss my boyfriend oh so much. i have been and probably will continue to be more wreckless than normal. wreckless and dangerous.

Posted in anxiety disorder, cutting, death, depression, fear, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | Tagged anxiety, cutting, death, depression, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide, wreckless | 1 Comment »

impending doom

April 13, 2008

in the last few days, my anxiety level has shot up. before that, i had started worrying that i was gaining weight. it would be easy to concede to someone that 2 or 3 pounds is nothing, but i would be lying. i never really worried about my weight before, but i think there are reasons for this.

when i was younger, i really didn’t care about my appearance AT ALL. i don’t even think i thought about weight. and i mean, as long as i looked human, why did i need to care? when my depression started, i cared even less. my emotional issues were overconsuming so i didn’t even realize that i stopped eating. i never felt hungry. i went days without eating entire meals. if i did schoolwork; it would be right through dinnertime. my parents were rarely home for dinner anyway, and this allowed for it to go on (not that i blame them). i would cut and bruise my arms, but still did not notice that i could hold my wrist and my thumb and pinky would touch or that my ribs were showing. people would say things as the years went by, but i dismissed them. two years ago, i started getting better so i ate more. my bf introduced me to restaurants and different foods, which i appreciate greatly. food is a great experience. still, while my moods change, i have kept the same attitude that i can just eat whatever without having to consider my weight.

i was 104 and now am at 110, so what the hell?! i wonder when joking about my own stomach flubber is going to internalize as hatred and externalize as cuts or bruises. neither has happened yet. at the moment, i’m still in the stage where i worry to the point that i can’t breathe sometimes. i keep thinking i gained another pound, i gained another, and another… look at my belly. look at my thighs. i look pregnant. awfully sickening. i could exercise; i tell myself i will. i hate exercising which is good because i’m too lazy too. my laziness, no motivation, no drive.

if that wasn’t bad enough, my teeth are contributing to my rising anxiety. the top wisdom teeth are coming in and for a few days now, while biting down, they have been hurting the skin on the bottom where they haven’t come in yet. i have the bad feeling that i’m going to have to have them pulled. DREAD. i’m scared of dentists, doctors, etc. i dont want to find out something is wrong with me. i don’t want to end up with some dentist that is horrible and pull all my teeth out or something. i’m just waiting for the teeth nightmares to start. only once did i ever have one.

everyday i am reminded of these two worries, and they are not my only. i am having pains in my chest and my stomach. i dont know if these are due to eating unhealthy or the anxiety or a combination of both. i feel like ripping the fat off my stomach and thighs. i feel like cutting or bruising. i want it to turn purple and blue. i want to bite my lip and taste blood. i feel like taking a shitload of pills and passing out and never waking up. everything hurts.

Posted in anxiety disorder, bruising, cutting, depression, fear, self image, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | Tagged anxiety, bruising, cutting, depression, hate, self image, self-harm, suicide, teeth, weight | 4 Comments »

rocking out the afterlife

April 6, 2008

yesterday night, my boyfriend and i rented and watched “Wristcutters: A Love Story”. well actually i did all of the watching. i don’t know that he was actually at all interested in watching a dark comedy.

the main character Zia, played by Patrick Fugit, falls in love in the afterlife with a hitchhiker Mikal, played by Shannyn Sossamon. Zia slit his wrists after his girlfriend leaves him and Mikal ends up there from an accidental OD. she looks for the PIC (people in charge) because she believes that it was a mistake. this afterlife they’re in is a place for those who committed suicide. everything there is all grungy and depressing. the movie made me think about what the afterlife would be like. it’s actually kind of ironic. you commit suicide to escape the pain and suffering only to end up in a place that is just as worse if not more so because of what you did. i can’t imagine myself to completely cease after death, that i would never be able to think again or feel. but then, would it just be a viscious cycle of pain and/or indifference? or, is it possible to get a second chance like Zia and Mikal did? maybe i’ll be reincarnated or something. i mean how do i even know i dont have any past lives now. maybe my weird dreams are memories of them.. okay too much thinking about it and too confusing really.

anyway the movie was really good. they were so cute together. i can’t believe i’m a sap for love stories….

Posted in cutting, death, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | Tagged afterlife, chances, cutting, love, movie, reincarnation, suicide | 2 Comments »

only two..

March 24, 2008

all day i have been moody; someone even told me so. i guess i should have took it as a sign, but i attributed the moodiness to being me. a few hours ago, not even three hours ago, i went downhill fast. the thoughts of suicide weren’t overwhelming, but constant. i just sat here for three hours doing absolutely nothing, but staring and listening to music. i tried to comment some people’s blogs, but i found it almost impossible to type something. halfway through the first sentence, i would stare at the screen and my fingers frozen waiting for something to happen.. i closed my eyes tightly, only to open them to nothing different. i got fed up and swiveled around in my chair to face my open closet. it didn’t help because i started seeing things. i could have sworn i saw someone with dark hair in my closet even though i kept trying to tell myself it was probably just my clothes… just my clothes. i started crying and have not stopped.

i suppose i should put a trigger warning here even though it’s really nothing, but i dont want a complaint so here *trigger warning*

nor could i help the overwhelming need to self-harm. i went to my original instrument, a mechanical pencil, which is much easier and convenient. you can go at your arm as much as you want, not having to worry about hitting a blood vessel or leaving long-term scars. i was glad to see a little blood rush to the skin’s surface and the swelling surrounding it. it was only two scratches, not bad at all right? i have been scratching myself with my nails a few times so it’s just like that… i did, with all my might, not go to the exacto knife. i didn’t want to start something i was not going to be able to stop. freaking damn.. i’m having the same problem not being able to type right now. closing my eyes and the music just seems to get louder and louder. i want to scream, but i can’t. the stinging from the cuts are wearing off too fast. i have a cut that’s on my leg, that i don’t know where i got it from, and that has been stinging for days. why is it that when a cut is unintentional, it often hurts more than those intentional?

i’m going to look like shit tomorrow.

Posted in cutting, depression, fear, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | Tagged cutting, depression, fear, self-harm, suicide | 1 Comment »

family dinner

March 17, 2008

okay so my grandparents were over and the entire family is home together for the first time in, i don’t know how long, but i can assure you that it never goes well. i came home from work and of course, “Oh, you look so thin. Don’t you ever eat?” is asked of me by my grandmother. Same question that irks me everytime. I eat, people! (Be careful how you read that; I am not a cannibal.) Eventually, dinnertime comes around. Everyone’s sitting around the table with their heads down or looking around, anywhere but at each other. My grandparents may be annoying and have done some really hurtful things in the past (some that I don’t remember and only hear stories about.. one-sided story at that), but they have grown to be rather soft and loving in their old age. This is especially true of my grandmother. I really can’t help, but smile at her cheery moods. The rest of my family, minus my father, has real problems with them. I suppose that I have resolved some of my anger with them or maybe I never cared at all. Someone just convinced me to be angry and resentful, which I am still trying to figure out how much truth there is to this. I never thought that I would have changed in that way. Anyway, my siblings would talk back sarcastically in English, which my grandparents do not understand at all. Their immature teenage behavior really pissed me off. At the same time, I understand their resentments toward them. Unfortunately, I am stuck in the middle, trying to love one group of people at the price of trying to love my grandparents in secret. As this parallels my emotions, things will go back and forth, never to rest.

what continues to confuse me is how i can “forgive” my grandparents, but can not “forgive” my father for his wrongs. does he not deserve the opportunity? i feel guilty in denying this to him, but what validation do i have of my own feelings if i do..? i am thoroughly sickened by this family environment. i am an outcast in this world, an outcast at work, and an outcast in my own family with rarely a person to relate. i am trapped in this cycle as well as neck deep in self-pity. i still stand where i was the day i decided i wanted to die. only now, i sit tight-lipped, listening to “Pull Me Out Alive” by Kaki King, and wanting to end it.

Posted in depression, guilt, relationships, suicide | Tagged depression, family, guilt, outcast, relationships, suicide | Leave a Comment »

wind against my face

March 16, 2008

i have been feeling like a complete failure and dangerously dead inside as of last night and today. suicidal idealization has also become rampant in my thoughts of late, perhaps even a bit obsessively. when a couple of the bad nightmares returned with the weird sensation earlier in the week, i started craving for them. and unsuccessfully, the last three nights have brought none making me feel, again, a complete failure.

i went to the park with my sister so that she could take photos of me for her photography class, which i didn’t mind much. we went to the creek that was there and that we were so familiar with, the one that my mind was so familiar with. i saw the bright sunlight shining through the branches of the bare trees and listened to the water lapping over the moss covered rocks. i would dip my shoes into the cool water and the familiar chills went through me. for those brief moments, i felt happy. i don’t want anyone to be confused about what i mean by happy. i’m not referring to the happiness between my lover and i. i am talking about the happiness with oneself. i can sure be happy with someone and still not be happy with myself, even if at times it seems impossible. anyway, i became a bit hyper.. skipping from rock to rock, not really worried about falling in. the parts that we were at, the creek water was too shallow to drown in. i know where it isn’t; and i thought about going in. actually, i used to think about it quite often… becoming soaking wet, waiting for the dark, cold water to fill my lungs, gasping for air.. yes, i know that it would not be an easy death, especially since i can not swim. already, while i am writing this post, i close my eyes and drift somewhere else.

that was the first suicidal idealization of the day. the second occurred driving home tonight. it has been unseasonably warm the last two days, which i thoroughly enjoyed don’t get me wrong. i opened the windows in the car and felt the wind against my face. i felt the happiness and lightness from earlier in the day. only this time, the need to jump off the bridge was almost overwhelming. i wanted to close my eyes and not remember. course i didn’t or else, this post would not exist.

*sighs* i love this group, PlayRadioPlay! i have to admit, though, that it is making me even more depressed. i think it’s time for me to climb under the warm covers, put on my earphones, cut and cry away.

Posted in cutting, depression, hypomania, nightmares, suicide | Tagged cutting, death, depression, failure, happiness, nightmares, suicide | Leave a Comment »

the question should be “how many?”

March 11, 2008

Results: What mental disorder do you have?

Your results for this quiz have been calculated and are presented below:

What mental disorder do you have? Your Result: GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) You can never seem to calm down and always feel anxious for unknown reasons. You tend to not be able to concentrate and have headaches or other anxiety symptoms.
Manic Depressive
OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
Paranoia
ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder)

these are the actual results from a quiz that i found on https://fadingstar86.wordpress.com/2008/03/09/just-so-i-can-whinge/ (hope it’s okay that i put your link here.. heh). i also commented on her site that i found it pretty accurate. and you know what? it doesn’t make it any easier to accept these things that i already know about myself. i think these quizzes merely serve as reinforcement for choices we’ve already made. so blah to quizzes!!

Posted in depression, self image, suicide | Tagged depression, disorders, quizzes, self image | 5 Comments »

NUI shooting

February 16, 2008

I had a feeling that there would be a bunch of blogs about the Northern Illinois University shooting that happened two days ago and of course there were under tags that I have saved. I guess i’m just feeding my opinion into it since I, myself, and writing about this. This guy who had attended and graduated from there killed six other students and himself and injured many others because he wasn’t taking his medication. Another mentally-ill and “disturbed” guy who suddenly snapped. I don’t believe this at all. Someone doesn’t just all of a sudden turn “crazy”. After all, his friends and family said that he had been acting erratically for a few weeks beforehand. Sure, they did not think that he could ever do something like killing students at their afternoon lecture, but they must have had the feeling that something bad would happen.

Something bad starts eating at you and eating at you until you feel you need to find a resolution, even if it is a bad one. It’s something that progresses and just doesn’t happen all of a sudden.

I used to define the start of my depression by the event that happened one late night when I went to get something, but saw something I shouldn’t have (not a murder or anything like that). It just completely shocked me is all. I was completely thrown off my feet and my world turned upside down. I could barely function. After years, I realized that it wasn’t what caused me to be depressed. I was already feeling bad, down on myself. The event just allowed me to finally acknowledge it. I wasn’t able to deal with the event because I wasn’t even able to deal with myself. I had no real emotional support and now, I know I just have to support myself because you can’t always count on others. They tend to be untrustworthy and so sucked into their own lives to realize that you need help. I can cry for help, but I know no one will hear me. There are some good days and many more that are bad, but you can’t expect others to save you. They don’t deserve to hear and feel your suffering.

I live knowing that times are not always good and go the way I want them to. Even though my situation may seem minor and almost non-existant compared to others, it feels all encompassing of my life. It’s never forgotten and there is never a day where I don’t wage at least a small self war. Many times, I feel I will never get better and that I will be fucked up forever, but I have not gotten to the point that I would kill other people senselessly. I believe that this guy had not enough courage to do so. Even though he was brilliant, his intelligence did not save him or the others.

Hearing the story makes me melancholy and chills me to the bone. It makes me feel similar to how the Virginia Tech shooting affected me. These violent shootings happen again and again, but people still have not changed their perceptions of those with psychological issues.

My head is throbbing at the moment. Over the last week, I have been sleeping way more than I usually do.. from 3 hours to 9 or 10 hours. At least those hours have been saving me from having to ward off self-harming. On the other hand, it has been making me very drowsy and numb most of the day. I’m surprised I even stay awake to work. Oh Well, just thought I’d post something since I haven’t posted in a while. Later.

Posted in depression, self-harm, suicide | Tagged depression, mental illness, self-harm, shooting, suicide | 1 Comment »