Archive for the ‘self-harm’ Category
September 1, 2008
Things had remained pretty steady, but it’s always those stupid little things that get to me. Well, not that the big things don’t, but the little things always give me a surprise. And so, these little things have created a big mound of downright crappiness. It has been going pretty slow at work, especially waiting for the next projects to arrive. I only need a day or so to recuperate between projects. It seems a week since I’ve done anything useful. This would of course then be the perfect time to use my vacation days considering i’ve only taken 2 and they don’t really carry over to the next year. I’m so pathetic that I can’t leave this place and just go somewhere with the boyfriend, for even the weekend. Ugly and devastating attachment to the parents. It is putting stress on me. Then, there are still the issues with the insurance, car, etc. ugh sick of it all.
I surprised myself with self-harm. Actually, I shouldn’t have been surprised at all because I had been playing with it (merely putting pressure against my skin seems to have a calming effect). Anyway, I was pissed at the time. Father’s words being the trigger. The marks were made quickly and now I have the pleasure of waiting to pick them in the process of healing. OK, so I haven’t done quite a good job with the recovery and all. I’m human (although that might be debatable); I make mistakes. I hate this response/coping mechanism.
Posted in cutting, depression, relationships, self-harm, Self-injury | Tagged cutting, depression, parent relationships, recovery, self-harm, Self-injury, stress | Leave a Comment »
August 26, 2008
I’ve been getting these pains in my stomach or rib or sides and chest on and off for years now.. as early as middle school that I can remember. i can’t even pinpoint where the pains are or describe how they feel. what if i’m going to die or something?.. but i had a checkup a few months ago and nothing was wrong. pshh like something couldn’t be lurking. maybe i should have mentioned the pains to the doctor.. hmm yea that would have been smart, but i’ve never been known to be that smart and most of the time, my ideas are a bit too late. ahh?! i want to scream and i can’t sleep. it’s amazing how when i’m not feeling like i’m about to die, i want to harm myself or die when i feel depressed, but when i feel like i might just die from some health problem, i all of sudden don’t want to pass on. it must be either the natural human instinct to survive or struggle over having little power over an illness or failing at preventing something that could have been.
my mind’s in a jumble. i need help to unscramble!
i’m somewhat caught between, at the moment, working or not working on work-related material that is not absolutely necessary.. my dilemma is that i’m tired, not sleepy, and lazy. YES, alright! the infamous excuse about being LAZY. how could i not? aside from not being sleepy, being in pain, and completely freaking out, i’m having a cravying for mussels and a cranberry vodka! mussels from going to Carrabba’s with the boyfriend earlier tonight (thanks to that, I will be having delicious leftover pizza for lunch tomorrow) and cranberry vodka from the boyfriend’s family birthday/barbeque on saturday (and he made the drinks.. oh dear!). mouth salvating. perhaps now i will start doing work and just hope i’ll fall asleep in the middle of it. have a good night or good morning, whatever way you want to look at it..
Posted in death, depression, fear, hypomania, self-harm | Tagged cravings, hypomania, lazy, pains, restlessness, sleepless | Leave a Comment »
August 20, 2008
okay, so i did fall off the wagon.. the night after my last post. that is just bad luck. i was feeling mighty shitty, mostly of the failure sort. i was lucky though that a complete relief fell over me the following morning. i felt refreshed for a few days.. enough to keep me working which was nice! course, the stress of driving has taken much of that away now. i have been getting the feeling again that i want to be with nature, flying in the sky, uplifted and free from harsh realities. i want to have those dreams again, but i fall asleep too early and can’t dream. i like this music very much. it is Owl City. the music is very fitting for the way i’m feeling. check it out at https://www.myspace.com/owlcity. i hope for no more slipups 
Posted in cutting, depression, music/movies, self-harm, Self-injury | Tagged cutting, failure, free, music, nature, owl city, self-harm, Self-injury | Leave a Comment »
August 17, 2008
it’s been over a month since i last posted, so at this rate, you might think that i’ve been sleeping all this time. honestly, sleeping 10 hrs (used to be uncommon for me) everyday is freaking me out a bit. i keep trying to pin it on work and getting older. yes, aging is rearing it’s ugly head. it’s been a year and a half since graduating college and 5 and a half years since graduating high school! the time has just flown by. it doesn’t help that i feel that work is becoming all i know and ever knew.
next to sleep, i’ve also become very short-tempered.. not a good thing at all for the boyfriend. things bug me even more now. i snap all the time. driving is becoming a bit unbearable. seriously.. do drivers like to slow way down before a red light so i can tailgate them to get into the left lane? i stared down one driver as he drove by. i wanted to get out and give him a piece of my mind. also, insurance. i hate it. really dumb medicaid system they have in America. although i don’t need it, i’m indirectly involved in it. it makes no freaking sense to me! Medicaid is free and adultbasic, which is the alternative option (not really an option if you ask me), has a monthly premium. Now, income limits and all that comes into play with both. No one is allowed to have both and no one is permitted to choose which one to be in. if you have adultbasic and you end up qualifying for medicaid, they drop you. then, if you don’t qualify for medicaid when you reapply (which you have to do every 6 months), you get dropped and have to reapply for the adultbasic. not even the worst of it.. you get put onto a fucking waiting list for god knows how long, so there is a significant amount of time that great America leaves your health in the reliable hands of luck. what the fuck is that?!
i think just being able to talk about some of my issues here has brought my blood pressure up. surprisingly, i’ve never had high blood pressure. i’ve been finding myself holding my breathe, internalizing the anger, and getting really tense. the only thing is, i don’t realize it until it’s too late.
anger then leads to thought and guilt and leads to self-hatred and bad thoughts.
i’m tired, lacking focus, and really lazy. stagnant. i just feel bad for the boyfriend dealing with my shit. i dont think we, as people with mental disorders, realize how much we affect our loved ones. it’s a bit frustrating and debilitating on the spirit.
alright, i HAVE to say one good thing in today’s post. me and the boyfriend were in the city early this evening and we had a chance after shopping and walking around a bit, to sit in the park and drink a cold latte. it was wonderfully refreshing. it was the perfect temperature with the perfect amount of breeze blowing. there were lots of people to watch and cute dogs to see. something so calming and relaxing about it. kind of reminded of being a child and running around carefree in the park near my first home in new york city. the reality of life has made me grown cold and times like that with the boyfriend has worked the warmth back in again.
also, i haven’t really self-harmed or thought about it as much. course, that could be due to not having time to actually think about it. my issues still haven’t been resolved and i’m still pushing through, but at least i dont have to worry about my arms. a little at a time. ah.
Posted in anxiety disorder, depression, guilt, self image, self-harm | Tagged anger, depression, dogs, happiness, insurance, park, self-harm, sleep | Leave a Comment »
June 28, 2008
mild hell.
i know none of my problems are bad compared to others. afterall, i’m not poor or have some incurable disease or dead, yet. anyway, it’s all relative. i still feel like utter shit. my mind is so far passed i can’t even cry or cut, which has the potential to temporarily release some tension. does anyone else hate that? too lazy to be actively depressed… or maybe that doesn’t even make any sense. depressed, active, nonrelated? why do i feel like i’m stuck in my own reality? i mean i still have to interact with people at work, but in those times, i still feel i’m here. what the hell am i talking about? don’t really know. sorry
Posted in anxiety disorder, cutting, death, depression, loneliness, self-harm, Self-injury | Tagged confusion, crying, cutting, death, depression, reality | 1 Comment »
June 9, 2008
ok so i haven’t posted since the first of this month! these entries get farther and farther apart, unlike PA who blogs every day and is dependable (and this is not just because she’s doing that blog 365 thing.. she would probably blog everyday anyway with insightful and fun material). well, let’s see.. updates i think are called for.
the beach was fun. ok fun, not crazy fun. first of all, we, meaning my boyfriend and i, got lost because we had to make a stop (which i did not think was at all necessary). this added about an hour and a half to the time it took us and geez it was hot! yes i know, i will quit the bitching about the heat now, especially since it will be 98 degrees tomorrow (yuck!). we did some shopping, which i almost now always prefer over staying on the beach since i dont like being seen in a bathing suit. spent some time on the slots and won $80 which helped out with gas, although it doesn’t even pay for 2 weeks worth. stupid dumb oil. but, we did manage to squeeze in a walk across the beach. that was last weekend.
this short weekend has already past with the looming work week upon me. less and less looking forward to this. before i had decided to take on more responsibilities and new projects, which was as of last week, i was comfortable with what i was doing and being able to ask others for help when i needed it. now i feel like i’m supposed to be the one for others to go to when they need help… so how much do i really know?! it doesn’t feel like much. middle of last week, i was taken to see some clients which included some 30 people. i was sweating and lightheaded by the end. i don’t recall even an eighth of the group.
now i have to face two big projects due to be delivered by the end of this month, which is shooting my anxiety up through the roof. it’s hard to breathe just thinking about it. this also makes me wonder how i can possibly do this job when i can’t even control my anxiety problems. this does not bring back fond memories as anxiety was a constancy in school. it was only when i started receiving straight A’s in 5th grade that it started. gradually, the anxiety grew worse, peaking while in high school and subsequently, grades went down. slowly, it got a little better in college.. haha yes finally figured something out after 20 years of living?! course, this doesn’t mean it’s gone. nowhere near in fact. ditto on the social anxiety part.
yesterday, i think i also experienced some hypomania or maybe just insanity. this lasted for only an hour before sleeping half an hour put it on pause. *sighs* drymouth. vision is being compromised; words i’m typing are blurry and i’m not crying. i feel that soon i might just collapse into the fetal position and blubber like the big baby that i am. escalating. wanting to scream. wanting to breathe!
“Get a hold of yourself!” *hits herself* ah, better.
sorry dear readers for this episode. talking about anxiety seems to provoke things as much as any other stressful event. still barely functioning at the moment, i will end this entry by telling you that i will try to get through the rest of this week unscathed.
Posted in anxiety disorder, depression, hypomania, self-harm, Self-injury | Tagged anxiety disorder, beach, depression, hypomania, responsibilities, shopping, slots, work | 2 Comments »
May 12, 2008
things are such shit.
i tried thinking about how i should go about starting this post. after an hour of pointless thoughts, i realized i only could have started it that way. i cried in the shower, as it has become a custom and has also ruined my showers permanently. even though much isn’t happening, my mind is in a frenzied mess. i’m really worried about my grandfather. he still hasn’t woken up. and what if he doesn’t?
i keep telling myself it’s not my fault.. that he is sick. that me being miserable and worthless has nothing to do with it. ..but maybe if i was more successful and could get him to come to the United States, he would be treated now and he would be okay and my family would be okay. instead i’m a failure and i haven’t done squat with my life. he is there because i have no efforts or hopes.
*throws her hands up in the air* right, like the gester has ever helped anyone. this especially doesn’t help my mother with all that she has on her plate now. i have been a useless offspring, surely disappointing. although i hadn’t been a particularly troublesome child, she hangs onto the idea that i have not commited serious wrongs, but what would she say if she knew all the bad things i have done?
i am cold. my heart is cold. chills up and down my back and shoulders. my breathing is slow. i feel that i am no longer here. i wish i were diagnosed and given medications, then i could take them all now and end it. i’m almost dead already. and what will the crying and self-harming do now? nothing; there’s not even temporary relief anymore. i have to now and bruising is the method of the moment. this is a bit difficult since it is rather noisy to smash your arm into the corner of a desk repeatedly while someone is sleeping not 4 feet from you. i can’t go unpunished or untarnished, especially not today.. not on Mother’s Day.
oh, please let me go.
update:
done deed. it hurts to pick up a bottle of water. i feel worse.
Posted in anxiety disorder, bruising, death, depression, fear, guilt, loneliness, relationships, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | Tagged anxiety, bruising, cold, crying, cutting, dead, depression, disappointment, grandfather, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | 6 Comments »
May 9, 2008
… Three dots might actually be enough said, but then someone might really think that i am crazy. And anyway, who’s to say i’m not?
another week has gone by, well almost a week, and my souless body chugs away at this thing called life. i feel like i haven’t accomplished anything which is making me oh so depressed. and i’m sure that complaining and whining about it rather than putting forth some effort is not going to make me any better. i wish i knew where my motivation and drive went. i’ll buy you a nice dinner if you do!
also, my weight issues have grown as much as my stomach has. it has really started to bother me now. it has bothered me to the point that i have started going running two or three times a week (which is saying alot since i never exercised). this has yielded no results. i can probably attribute this to eating all day at my office desk and sitting on my butt all day. you office people know what i’m talking about! it is considerably tougher to be at the desk with nothing to do, but eat. so, what do i do? learn to starve myself to get my body back? although i know this is not the answer, i want my body back. i can hear all that “great” advice about either loving my body for the way it is or eat healthy and exercise in the background. seeing my fat makes me want to puke, no pun intended.
what is wrong with me? it has been, what?, 5 years now since i’ve had a friend. any kind of friend! so sad. it feels like i’m the only one here, that i’m somehow not living in the same reality as everyone else.
in the shower, i scratched my arms, my legs, and my stomach nice and hard. it felt so good having the hot water burn them and turn them bright pink. it didn’t last very long as i cried. i was tired and felt like collapsing and not waking up. i braced myself by sitting on the laundry basket. the headaches are getting bad.
too tired to type, think, or bother staying awake anymore.
Posted in depression, loneliness, self image, self-harm, Self-injury | Tagged alone, crying, depression, hot water, self image, self-harm, tired, weight | 3 Comments »
April 24, 2008
i see myself entering a deep depression, triggered by this situation with my grandfather. anxiety has been high and energy very low. so tired that i dont want to be awake anymore. i want to swallow a bottle of pills and not wake up. self-injury has consumed my thoughts. i stare at them in bed, while i’m driving, and looking in the bathroom mirror everytime i’m in there. it’s getting harder to cover up, but again they’re only minor marks. i feel dead and it’s making me miss my boyfriend oh so much. i have been and probably will continue to be more wreckless than normal. wreckless and dangerous.
Posted in anxiety disorder, cutting, death, depression, fear, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | Tagged anxiety, cutting, death, depression, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide, wreckless | 1 Comment »
April 21, 2008
i was reading this blog entry by BPD in OKC about remission for borderline personality disorder. i never considered it as something i might have, but realized that while her entry listed 9 criteria for having the disorder and not having 5 of them would constitute as being in remission i fit most of the criteria! then i found this test from www.SimilarMinds.com and took their personality disorder test. these are my results:
the top three that i had, all in the 70 – 80% range, happened to be of a different type according to them. Schizoid for eccentric (78%), borderline for dramatic (74%), and obsessive-compulsive for anxious (70%). i already knew i had symptoms of the latter, but the other two were kind of a surprise. then again, many of the symptoms for one appear in other disorders. i could probably make it sound as if i had them all!
i guess this only answer would be to have a professional diagnose me, which i have a problem doing. first of all, i don’t want to admit that i need someone else to solve my problems… these minor problems that are really embarassing to me. secondly, i don’t want to find out that i have no disorder at all and i’m just being dumb and trying to put blame for my own mistakes and actions on mental illness. that diagnosis would only be devastating and quite frankly, detrimental. thirdly, do i really want to be loaded up with meds and potentially get an unnecessary addiction? (this would be the worrier in me talking.) finally, i’m too lazy. like most everything in my life, i’m too lazy to do anything. it’s remarkable that i even bother going to work, but other than my necessary duties to survive, i’m a lazy ass.
yes, so maybe i should just quit bitching about being depressed or suicidal or whatever it happens to be if i’m too lazy to even go get diagnosed? but, this might completely defeat the purpose having a blog where i can do all the bitching i want without unwanted attention. so where am i at now?
i cut myself and it’s just a bit swollen now so back to square one.
Posted in anxiety disorder, cutting, depression, fear, self image, self-harm, Self-injury | Tagged borderline personality disorder, cutting, depression, diagnosis, laziness, personality test, symptoms, worry | 4 Comments »
Unfitting 