Archive for the ‘loneliness’ Category
June 28, 2008
mild hell.
i know none of my problems are bad compared to others. afterall, i’m not poor or have some incurable disease or dead, yet. anyway, it’s all relative. i still feel like utter shit. my mind is so far passed i can’t even cry or cut, which has the potential to temporarily release some tension. does anyone else hate that? too lazy to be actively depressed… or maybe that doesn’t even make any sense. depressed, active, nonrelated? why do i feel like i’m stuck in my own reality? i mean i still have to interact with people at work, but in those times, i still feel i’m here. what the hell am i talking about? don’t really know. sorry
Posted in anxiety disorder, cutting, death, depression, loneliness, self-harm, Self-injury | Tagged confusion, crying, cutting, death, depression, reality | 1 Comment »
May 20, 2008
has anyone seen it tonight? or even last night? it is quite beautiful. something so mysterious about it. i feel that something more draws me to it than gravity. somehow it seems that i am connected to the sky although i have never been obsessed about astronomy nor ever owned a telescope. when i’m outside at night and stare into the darkness, i feel a sense of belonging. yes, i know i sound a bit loony.
early on while sitting in the passenger seat of my boyfriend’s car and sticking my head slightly out the window, the wind was blowing.. i felt like i couldn’t breathe. i told him this, but i think he just thought i was being a weirdo. anyway, the familiar sensation was something between a wonderful lightness and a panicky fear of suffocation. listening to music only enhances the feelings. i gave my thoughts about music in another post. i always wonder if there is someone up there, in some other reality, calling for me.. my heart and thoughts are racing.
yep i am crazy and here is a random post…
Posted in fear, hypomania, loneliness, Uncategorized | Tagged darkness, disappear, moon, music, sky, wind | Leave a Comment »
May 14, 2008
i have to start out by apologizing to you. i’m sorry that you had to read how i felt and i’m sorry that you worry about me. i know that my blogs are often filled with depressing words and emotions. they are dark moments in my life. i don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but i don’t like people pitying me or paying attention to my state of mind. i don’t deny being attention seeking, but i dont want bad attention; i just like my positive reinforcement.
i suppose that my blog has also been more subjective and misleading about my state of mind/illness. honestly, i have good times as well. more good times than bad in fact. if i didn’t, i’d probably blog about my problems every night. i can thank you, my love, for it, as you have been a significant part of my life; i truly love our times and future times together. i also have my siblings and work to thank for it. i know i still have personal issues, but having focus in other areas of my life and spending time to forget the stress and enjoy the moments in life is very helpful. this is the reason why nights are especially difficult for me. we don’t live together yet, so i still have to sleep alone with my thoughts… thoughts that constantly run through my mind. and i will always have to deal with it, because i’m going to be alone sometime or another.
i don’t blame you for being frustrated with me. i am just as frustrated and equally as confused about why i can’t just “get over it” or just “decide” to be not this person. the only difference is that i have experience with this and you don’t. so, i have somewhat come to terms with it; that i will have some very bad times and that they will eventually pass (well i keep hoping anyway). i have found that it is apart of me and without it, i don’t know what to do.
so, i only ask you to try to be understanding. don’t worry and have faith in me, but don’t push me because i hate being forced. don’t mock me of my attitude because it won’t change me. don’t talk to me about it like we can relate, because we just can’t. just love me as i love you.
Love with all my heart,
Amy
Posted in depression, guilt, letters, loneliness, relationships, self image | Tagged blogging, confusion, depression, frustration, letter, lonely, love, nights | Leave a Comment »
May 12, 2008
things are such shit.
i tried thinking about how i should go about starting this post. after an hour of pointless thoughts, i realized i only could have started it that way. i cried in the shower, as it has become a custom and has also ruined my showers permanently. even though much isn’t happening, my mind is in a frenzied mess. i’m really worried about my grandfather. he still hasn’t woken up. and what if he doesn’t?
i keep telling myself it’s not my fault.. that he is sick. that me being miserable and worthless has nothing to do with it. ..but maybe if i was more successful and could get him to come to the United States, he would be treated now and he would be okay and my family would be okay. instead i’m a failure and i haven’t done squat with my life. he is there because i have no efforts or hopes.
*throws her hands up in the air* right, like the gester has ever helped anyone. this especially doesn’t help my mother with all that she has on her plate now. i have been a useless offspring, surely disappointing. although i hadn’t been a particularly troublesome child, she hangs onto the idea that i have not commited serious wrongs, but what would she say if she knew all the bad things i have done?
i am cold. my heart is cold. chills up and down my back and shoulders. my breathing is slow. i feel that i am no longer here. i wish i were diagnosed and given medications, then i could take them all now and end it. i’m almost dead already. and what will the crying and self-harming do now? nothing; there’s not even temporary relief anymore. i have to now and bruising is the method of the moment. this is a bit difficult since it is rather noisy to smash your arm into the corner of a desk repeatedly while someone is sleeping not 4 feet from you. i can’t go unpunished or untarnished, especially not today.. not on Mother’s Day.
oh, please let me go.
update:
done deed. it hurts to pick up a bottle of water. i feel worse.
Posted in anxiety disorder, bruising, death, depression, fear, guilt, loneliness, relationships, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | Tagged anxiety, bruising, cold, crying, cutting, dead, depression, disappointment, grandfather, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | 6 Comments »
May 9, 2008
… Three dots might actually be enough said, but then someone might really think that i am crazy. And anyway, who’s to say i’m not?
another week has gone by, well almost a week, and my souless body chugs away at this thing called life. i feel like i haven’t accomplished anything which is making me oh so depressed. and i’m sure that complaining and whining about it rather than putting forth some effort is not going to make me any better. i wish i knew where my motivation and drive went. i’ll buy you a nice dinner if you do!
also, my weight issues have grown as much as my stomach has. it has really started to bother me now. it has bothered me to the point that i have started going running two or three times a week (which is saying alot since i never exercised). this has yielded no results. i can probably attribute this to eating all day at my office desk and sitting on my butt all day. you office people know what i’m talking about! it is considerably tougher to be at the desk with nothing to do, but eat. so, what do i do? learn to starve myself to get my body back? although i know this is not the answer, i want my body back. i can hear all that “great” advice about either loving my body for the way it is or eat healthy and exercise in the background. seeing my fat makes me want to puke, no pun intended.
what is wrong with me? it has been, what?, 5 years now since i’ve had a friend. any kind of friend! so sad. it feels like i’m the only one here, that i’m somehow not living in the same reality as everyone else.
in the shower, i scratched my arms, my legs, and my stomach nice and hard. it felt so good having the hot water burn them and turn them bright pink. it didn’t last very long as i cried. i was tired and felt like collapsing and not waking up. i braced myself by sitting on the laundry basket. the headaches are getting bad.
too tired to type, think, or bother staying awake anymore.
Posted in depression, loneliness, self image, self-harm, Self-injury | Tagged alone, crying, depression, hot water, self image, self-harm, tired, weight | 3 Comments »
February 24, 2008
i am depressed tonight, but in that numb, not caring way. Like clockwork, I have been reading my tag surfer. You know what amazes me? With all the people writing blogs about how lonely and depressed they are, myself included, one has to wonder why all these people just don’t get together. Yes, there are groups and forums for depression, but these don’t encompass everyone. It would be great because no one would be alone. You would be around people who have been in your position or at least have some empathy. True, we might even be more easily discriminated against being lumped into a group (such as Emos), but there would be someone there for you. I don’t know. I just like the idea, even if it isn’t realistic.
Completely unrelated, i feel so fat right now.
Posted in depression, loneliness | Tagged blogs, depression, loneliness, people | 1 Comment »
January 9, 2008
i have had some bouts of mania, mainly over this past weekend. i don’t even remember much of those instances. i’ve also been sleeping too much. ten hours is by no means alot of sleep, but i still can’t wake up in the morning for work. last night, i went to bed at 4 am and still could not wake up for work. i think i’m just not a morning person… need at least the clock to strike 10 am for my system to start. all day, even at work and while driving, i’m increasingly more tired. eyes very heavy. if i were allowed to put my head on the desk, i would. the other day, while driving home late at night, i was sleepy-eyed so i decided to stick my head out the window while driving. felt sooo good, scary good. it immediately sent chills all throughout my body and it made me have thoughts about jumping off the bridge. i’m feeling cold now, the bad kind of cold where nothing will warm you up. what’s more annoying is that i’m having conflicting thoughts. i want to put a nice blue bruise on my arm, but i know i can’t let others down by self-harming even if they wouldn’t find out. ah see what guilt trips get you… exactly nothing! instead, i’ve been mentally tormenting myself for the past two months that i’ve been depressed/manic. i have to say that this mental torture is much worse than the self infliction. right now it feels like a long slow death. i feel like i’m going to vomit and why is there no freakin damn heat in my room?? i need to heat. i need some friends. i need to get out of here.
Posted in bruising, guilt, loneliness, self-harm, suicide | Tagged bruising, depression, jumping, self-harm, sleepy | Leave a Comment »
January 1, 2008
i guess i should post something since it is the new year, even though i don’t really have anything to rant about today. didn’t really do anything either. last night, i went to * for family dinner. kissed * at midnight and saw the fireworks over Penn’s Landing while driving across the bridge. it was shortlived of course. today i slept in until about noon, did some laundry, went to the mall, and watched the Simpsons dvd. pretty uneventful until i hit my head in the doorway. reason: clumsiness. now, i have a beautiful lump on the forehead to show for it and possibly a blue one by tomorrow.
it’s almost midnight and i’m moderately anxious. okay, little more than moderate. hate gad… it’s making me ocd too. the typical mild checking and rechecking, inability to stop thinking about my anxieties, and the same sleeping problems millions of other Americans have. what’s a problem is that i can’t be diagnosed with anything because i have a little bit of everything, which is nothing to cause anyone else concern. it’s just going to be a nagging thorn in my side for the rest of my life. and of course, again, i fit nowhere. this is the sad story of my life. i can only hope i get through the rest of the week, least tomorrow. that’s it. one day at a time, one day at a time.
Posted in loneliness, Uncategorized | Tagged depression, general anxiety disorder, head pain, new year, ocd, sleep | Leave a Comment »
December 30, 2007
today went smoothly as in emotionally but after i came home, i soon found myself alone and realized once again the depth of that loneliness. i still have my family, although relationships are still broken and awkward. i still have my health, least for the most part. i still have my wits about me, well maybe just sort of. i have *, who i love dearly. although they are all necessities of my life, i continue to feel incomplete. there is the emptiness of myself. i haven’t been able to or maybe not tried hard enough to fill myself with my own happiness. i think about those who are happy with friends and those who are sad with friends and envy them. this emptiness cuts me more than any razor could. i feel stupid for feeling weak and just not being stronger. i never learned to be strong, which i suppose is no excuse. being able to provide an argument against everything i say just makes me confused. it’s getting so hard to keep living. i’m just sick of living like this, sick of hoping. i’m terrified.
Posted in cutting, fear, loneliness, self-harm | Tagged crying, friendless, lonely, nothing, sad, scared, self-harm, suicide | 1 Comment »
Unfitting 