Archive for the ‘fear’ Category
November 25, 2008
From the title, you might think I went on some exciting vacation of sort. Not the case. Posting to wordpress hasn’t been on top of my to-do list (well if a to-do list actually existed). I mean it took me a bit to even remember what the site was and what my username was. It’s amazing how absence degrades your memory..
Well, the first line in this post isn’t quite a lie. Mid-October, I did get to go to Maryland with the boyfriend for a weekend and that was fun. Not so much the pooring rain that one day… There was alot of walking though, being quite touristy, and we didn’t get mugged or anything which was an obvious plus! I took too many pictures. I officially turned into one of those annoying Asian people taking pictures of absolutely everything in the event that I will either get amnesia or altzheimers. In fact, we are in the midst of planning a trip to new york city, ah my beloved birthplace. That is not going so well. Too late to really book for middle of December and too expensive. Wouldn’t it be so great to have so much money.. **dreams**
Late October, surprise, I went to a halloween party even with my social anxiety. **claps** Don’t be so proud. I was dragged there, costume and everything. Flapper. Cold. Bad idea. The hostess, someone the boyfriend works with, was great. All funny and cheery, nothing like me. I was lucky enough to weasel myself out of a party the following night. Hell if I was going to do another one!
November has flown by quickly. Not much happening but eating out too much, but so much yummy food. Although, there was one Japanese place that was, by far, the WORST restaurant I have ever been to. WORST service. I mean I am one of those really lenient people, won’t say anything unless something’s seriously wrong. I am STILL waiting for a damn refund. I am planning to call them every day until I get it! Anyway, no more talk of that. It makes my blood pressure go up.
On the emotional front, things have been pretty uneventful. I am happy with the boyfriend. I have thought about, but have not self-harmed in quite a while at least 2 months now. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to suppress those thoughts completely. It makes me tired. Even though I get the recommended hours of sleep per night, for the most part, I am still getting those occasional nightmares. Not the monsters hiding in the closet, but the monsters in people hurting me. Suggestive of me still not trusting and fearing people? Also, I think I have a heightened sense of smell and touch. Always putting me into euphoric states. Sometimes good, sometimes not so good.
Well, hopefully December is nice. I do have to worry about annual reviews at work. Blah. Too tired now to talk anymore. Have a good night.
Posted in anxiety disorder, cutting, depression, fear, nightmares, Self-injury | Tagged bad food service, depression, happiness, hiatus, self-harm, senses, vacation | 1 Comment »
September 25, 2008
like the title of this post states, i do indeed feel like pulling my hair out. have not done so though. the anxiety is immense. anxiety about what? who knows; i sure as hell don’t. there is only one way this can go down. oh please, let me get through the night..
Posted in anxiety disorder, depression, fear, suicide | Tagged anxiety disorder, depression, Self-injury, stress, worry | Leave a Comment »
August 26, 2008
I’ve been getting these pains in my stomach or rib or sides and chest on and off for years now.. as early as middle school that I can remember. i can’t even pinpoint where the pains are or describe how they feel. what if i’m going to die or something?.. but i had a checkup a few months ago and nothing was wrong. pshh like something couldn’t be lurking. maybe i should have mentioned the pains to the doctor.. hmm yea that would have been smart, but i’ve never been known to be that smart and most of the time, my ideas are a bit too late. ahh?! i want to scream and i can’t sleep. it’s amazing how when i’m not feeling like i’m about to die, i want to harm myself or die when i feel depressed, but when i feel like i might just die from some health problem, i all of sudden don’t want to pass on. it must be either the natural human instinct to survive or struggle over having little power over an illness or failing at preventing something that could have been.
my mind’s in a jumble. i need help to unscramble!
i’m somewhat caught between, at the moment, working or not working on work-related material that is not absolutely necessary.. my dilemma is that i’m tired, not sleepy, and lazy. YES, alright! the infamous excuse about being LAZY. how could i not? aside from not being sleepy, being in pain, and completely freaking out, i’m having a cravying for mussels and a cranberry vodka! mussels from going to Carrabba’s with the boyfriend earlier tonight (thanks to that, I will be having delicious leftover pizza for lunch tomorrow) and cranberry vodka from the boyfriend’s family birthday/barbeque on saturday (and he made the drinks.. oh dear!). mouth salvating. perhaps now i will start doing work and just hope i’ll fall asleep in the middle of it. have a good night or good morning, whatever way you want to look at it..
Posted in death, depression, fear, hypomania, self-harm | Tagged cravings, hypomania, lazy, pains, restlessness, sleepless | Leave a Comment »
July 8, 2008
..no not really. it just seems a long time. it is a week into july afterall. another week and my birthday. i dont actually care for it… for me, it’s a day older and not any wiser. i keep thinking that i am in the same predicaments as the previous year and the one before that. have i grown or slightly deteriorated? hard to tell.
anyway independence weekend was good and bad – fun going to the city, but bad cause of the arguments. they always seem to present themselves around the holidays. maybe that’s why i dread them.
today wasn’t good. i got so freaked out by a spider (horrible fear of them) that i got into the driver seat of my car via the passenger side. i saw a dead cat on the road.. bloody fur.. makes me sad. also, this freaking lady in a suv almost hit my car at 70 mph if i hadn’t veered into the next lane! couldn’t be good on my heart. i already have too much anxiety as it is. so, basically i’ve been too anxious to be depressed. i haven’t cried in at least 2 weeks. i’ve been sleeping in all my free time.
reading would be soothing. i finished Shimura Trouble by Sujata Massey and found out that regrettably, it was the last book in the series. i think i will go back to reading Reginald Hill again unless anyone has any suggestions for mysteries, which in that case send them my way!!
well that’s all for now. updates later!
Posted in anxiety disorder, fear, Uncategorized | Tagged aging, anxiety disorder, bad day, mysteries, reading, sujata massey | 2 Comments »
June 23, 2008
last week seemed as if it lasted forever. the first half of the week was just riddled with more than my normal level of stress about work. i’m pretty sure i had a panic attack during a shower on one of those three days. the second half of the week, i was fighting with the lovely boyfriend. does he hate me? i thought it was seriously over and somehow we’re still together. amazing? i think so! the issues are still unresolved, which means future fights with drama are inevitable. i still love him. also related is another development, possibly caused by stress, is causing more stress. with that, to end that week and start a new week, another panic attack during a shower again. it was hard to catch my breath and stay standing. i am physically exhausted. i can barely get through showers anymore.
i have been staring at my scars and have been more conscious of them than normal.. more afraid that someone will see them when i hadn’t really cared before. i have racing thoughts and sometimes feel that i might do something stupid against my better judgement. ha me… better judgement. maybe i don’t have any better judgement. wah wah yeah i’m crying about stupid things, but my hands are not shaking for no reason. i can’t think straight.
Posted in anxiety disorder, depression, fear | Tagged anxiety disorder, depression, panic attacks, stress, work | 1 Comment »
May 20, 2008
has anyone seen it tonight? or even last night? it is quite beautiful. something so mysterious about it. i feel that something more draws me to it than gravity. somehow it seems that i am connected to the sky although i have never been obsessed about astronomy nor ever owned a telescope. when i’m outside at night and stare into the darkness, i feel a sense of belonging. yes, i know i sound a bit loony.
early on while sitting in the passenger seat of my boyfriend’s car and sticking my head slightly out the window, the wind was blowing.. i felt like i couldn’t breathe. i told him this, but i think he just thought i was being a weirdo. anyway, the familiar sensation was something between a wonderful lightness and a panicky fear of suffocation. listening to music only enhances the feelings. i gave my thoughts about music in another post. i always wonder if there is someone up there, in some other reality, calling for me.. my heart and thoughts are racing.
yep i am crazy and here is a random post…
Posted in fear, hypomania, loneliness, Uncategorized | Tagged darkness, disappear, moon, music, sky, wind | Leave a Comment »
May 12, 2008
things are such shit.
i tried thinking about how i should go about starting this post. after an hour of pointless thoughts, i realized i only could have started it that way. i cried in the shower, as it has become a custom and has also ruined my showers permanently. even though much isn’t happening, my mind is in a frenzied mess. i’m really worried about my grandfather. he still hasn’t woken up. and what if he doesn’t?
i keep telling myself it’s not my fault.. that he is sick. that me being miserable and worthless has nothing to do with it. ..but maybe if i was more successful and could get him to come to the United States, he would be treated now and he would be okay and my family would be okay. instead i’m a failure and i haven’t done squat with my life. he is there because i have no efforts or hopes.
*throws her hands up in the air* right, like the gester has ever helped anyone. this especially doesn’t help my mother with all that she has on her plate now. i have been a useless offspring, surely disappointing. although i hadn’t been a particularly troublesome child, she hangs onto the idea that i have not commited serious wrongs, but what would she say if she knew all the bad things i have done?
i am cold. my heart is cold. chills up and down my back and shoulders. my breathing is slow. i feel that i am no longer here. i wish i were diagnosed and given medications, then i could take them all now and end it. i’m almost dead already. and what will the crying and self-harming do now? nothing; there’s not even temporary relief anymore. i have to now and bruising is the method of the moment. this is a bit difficult since it is rather noisy to smash your arm into the corner of a desk repeatedly while someone is sleeping not 4 feet from you. i can’t go unpunished or untarnished, especially not today.. not on Mother’s Day.
oh, please let me go.
update:
done deed. it hurts to pick up a bottle of water. i feel worse.
Posted in anxiety disorder, bruising, death, depression, fear, guilt, loneliness, relationships, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | Tagged anxiety, bruising, cold, crying, cutting, dead, depression, disappointment, grandfather, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | 6 Comments »
May 5, 2008
okay, i was going to ignore them as i have work to do at the moment.. work that will keep me up into the hours of the night or morning, whichever way you look at it. i mean them as in voices. a little while ago, i started hearing them and they are scaring me straight. they’re not saying anything. instead, they sound like really low moans. i went out into the hallway and listened and heard nothing. i came back into my bedroom and soon heard them again. everytime i stopped to listen, there they were again. what is that? i thought they might be the cries of some tormented soul that never made it to “other side” or that i was dillusional and hearing things. both ideas are frightening. when i close my eyes, i hear them. i dont want to close my eyes, but i’m tired and sleepy. i thought writing this post would get me to get back to my work and the voices would go away. they haven’t. i have a feeling, though, it’s only my sister’s breathing… but now that i have recognized it, it doesn’t sound the same as the sounds i heard earlier. i’m scared to turn around let alone leave my seat. soo sleepy though… need to finish my work… make the voices stop.
Posted in anxiety disorder, death, depression, fear | Tagged afterlife, anxiety, crazy, dillusions, fear, ghosts, sleep | Leave a Comment »
April 24, 2008
i see myself entering a deep depression, triggered by this situation with my grandfather. anxiety has been high and energy very low. so tired that i dont want to be awake anymore. i want to swallow a bottle of pills and not wake up. self-injury has consumed my thoughts. i stare at them in bed, while i’m driving, and looking in the bathroom mirror everytime i’m in there. it’s getting harder to cover up, but again they’re only minor marks. i feel dead and it’s making me miss my boyfriend oh so much. i have been and probably will continue to be more wreckless than normal. wreckless and dangerous.
Posted in anxiety disorder, cutting, death, depression, fear, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide | Tagged anxiety, cutting, death, depression, self-harm, Self-injury, suicide, wreckless | 1 Comment »
April 21, 2008
i was reading this blog entry by BPD in OKC about remission for borderline personality disorder. i never considered it as something i might have, but realized that while her entry listed 9 criteria for having the disorder and not having 5 of them would constitute as being in remission i fit most of the criteria! then i found this test from www.SimilarMinds.com and took their personality disorder test. these are my results:
the top three that i had, all in the 70 – 80% range, happened to be of a different type according to them. Schizoid for eccentric (78%), borderline for dramatic (74%), and obsessive-compulsive for anxious (70%). i already knew i had symptoms of the latter, but the other two were kind of a surprise. then again, many of the symptoms for one appear in other disorders. i could probably make it sound as if i had them all!
i guess this only answer would be to have a professional diagnose me, which i have a problem doing. first of all, i don’t want to admit that i need someone else to solve my problems… these minor problems that are really embarassing to me. secondly, i don’t want to find out that i have no disorder at all and i’m just being dumb and trying to put blame for my own mistakes and actions on mental illness. that diagnosis would only be devastating and quite frankly, detrimental. thirdly, do i really want to be loaded up with meds and potentially get an unnecessary addiction? (this would be the worrier in me talking.) finally, i’m too lazy. like most everything in my life, i’m too lazy to do anything. it’s remarkable that i even bother going to work, but other than my necessary duties to survive, i’m a lazy ass.
yes, so maybe i should just quit bitching about being depressed or suicidal or whatever it happens to be if i’m too lazy to even go get diagnosed? but, this might completely defeat the purpose having a blog where i can do all the bitching i want without unwanted attention. so where am i at now?
i cut myself and it’s just a bit swollen now so back to square one.
Posted in anxiety disorder, cutting, depression, fear, self image, self-harm, Self-injury | Tagged borderline personality disorder, cutting, depression, diagnosis, laziness, personality test, symptoms, worry | 4 Comments »
Unfitting 