toiletdrama

I made this list when I was 26. I realized that I was fast approaching the Big 3-0 and at the time, my life was in complete chaos. I reckoned that setting goals would help me put my life in better perspective.

For a good couple of years from the time I made the list, I sached back and forth, making small progress here and there and then stumbling miserably back to how I was previously. It was only last year, 2012, that I had sustained any progress I had managed to start. And while I had some minor misses, last year had been gentle. And I had been stronger, kinder, wiser.

Right now, I am still not the man I hope I’d be. But I feel I am closer to that person now more than ever. I can proudly say that who I am now is ten times the man I was three years ago. And no more stumbling back this time around.

With 5 months left before I turn 30 and less than a year ago since I last updated this list, I concede to the idea that I will never completely cross out all the items in this list.

I tried and will still try, but right now this is as far as I can go.

26/30 is not bad at all.

By 30, you should have:

1. One old flame you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve gone. It could be the same person altogether. (X)

2.  An impeccable credit line. Zero debts. Monetary or emotional. (X)

3.  One formal wear you will not feel awkward wearing to black tie events and functions. (X)

4.  An ultra high-end desktop that will let you work on your frustrations (i.e. Multi-media, photography, short films, website design, blog, etc…)

5.  A youth you’re content to move beyond. (X)

6.  A past relationship juicy enough to be retold in your old age. (X)

7.  The realization that you are actually going to have an old age—and some money set aside to help fund it.

8.  A time deposit, a separate savings account and a checking account.

9.  A résumé that will land you your dream job. (X)

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. (X)

11. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself just because you deserve it and just because you can.

12. A set of power tools for home improvement and maybe, a couple of dildos hidden inside a secret drawer. (Why did I even put this in my list?!?)

13. The belief that you deserve everything that you (will) accomplish and dream of. (X)

14. A skin-care regimen, a regular exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other things in life that don’t get better after 30. (X for everything except the exercise routine. Until now, I’m still a slob.)

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that actually do get better. (X on everything. I am still single. But I love myself better now. And I believe that’s the most important component for a relationship to work.)

By 30, you should know:

1.  How to fall in love without losing yourself. (X)

2.  How to raise a child without a mother and how to dance without caring if you look ridiculous. (X on both. I know I can provide for a child and give love and care. I know I can raise a child well. And I can dance without caring if I look really silly.)

3.  How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. (X)

4.  When to try harder and when to walk away. (X)

5.  When the perfect time is for everything. (X)

6.  How to resist a kiss from a complete stranger and how to kiss in a manner that will express what you want to happen and what you don’t want to happen next. (X)

7. How to live alone and truly love it. (X)

8.  How to take control of your own birthday. (X)

9.  How to accept the fact that regardless of all your good intentions, some people are just damn thick and/or insensitive. It’s not their fault. They are simply just that. (X)

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s already over. (X)

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love. (X)

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs or sleeping around. (X)

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t and why you shouldn’t take it personally. (X)

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. (X)

15. Why they say life begins at 30. (I’ll never know until I’m there.)

I have not been to church for the longest time. I am not as devout of a Catholic as most people I know as there are nights that I fall asleep without praying. I wake up some mornings and the first thing I think of is work (or food, or boys, or what to wear for work). I have not touched the Bible since my Elementary years and my last confession was many, many years ago.

I know that my religiousity is below the expectations of my upbringing. By most people’s standards, I deserve the wrath of hell as the things I have done in this lifetime have not been exactly saintly. Quote me a Bible verse and I’ll quote back the lyrics of a Lady Gaga song.

No, I am not a perfect person. I smoke. I curse. I masturbate.

I am unholy. But as far as I know, I am, at the least, a good person. If my resources would allow, I help a fellow in need. I give without expecting anything in return. I never wish ill of anyone. In many occasions, I have been called a blessing in some people’s lives. I’ve been told that I have a good heart.

Yes, I sinned. I sin. And I will sin many, many times more throughout this lifetime. At times, I could be selfish. I can be mean. And I get angry. I have been mad at my Creator many times over. And when pushed to the wall, I might blame Him again for inflicting me with so much hardships. But at the end of the day, my God knows me. While the conversations I’ve had with Him are all one-way, with me doing all the talking, I know I have been completely honest with Him. I do not pretend to be righteous to deserve eternal glory in His Kingdom. I am not His most perfect creation but I make the most of the life He gave me. He knows that I jump at each opportunity I get to be a good person. Just the same, He knows that I can, at times, easily sin. After all, He created me this way… Human. Imperfect.

With that said, I proclaim that no one is more righteous than his fellow man. We are only as good as the many good things we’ve done for ourselves and for others. And the wrong things we’ve done are only as bad as the worst thing committed by another. You do not deserve the kingdom of heaven just because you quote Bible verses on your Facebook timeline or text messages. When you try to ruin someone’s life, you’ve committed a sin as grave as me masturebating in the morning. When you wish ill of other people, you are as damned to the blazing pits of hell as me for putting tattoos on different parts of my body as it is the Creator’s temple. When instead of letting people live a peaceful life, you intentionally make it difficult for them, you are as undeserving as me for having had sex with men and strangers and for documenting some of them in this blog!

I only remember a few Bible verses from Religion Class in Elementary. This one suits how I wish to conclude: “Let he, who has not sinned, cast the first stone.”

You should not dare pick up even the tiniest piece of rock.

“Do you still recall when we first met?”

I asked knowing that you would not remember. You were silent. I know you don’t recall.

“It’s okay. I don’t forget.” I said. I smiled and kissed your forehead. It seemed particularly cold that morning.

“I’m sorry. It’s been years since that day.”

I held you closer. You’re right. It’s been years since we first met. I should not expect you to remember. Through the window, the first ray of sunlight slowly filled the room.

“I love waking up with you beside me,” I whispered to your ear embracing you even tighter.

“I didn’t sleep well last night. You were fidgety. And you snored.”  I looked at your eyes and they seemed tired. The sheets ruffled between us.

“I’m sorry. I was so tired. Yesterday was a big day.”

“Yeah, you told me.”

The bedside clock’s alarm set off. It was six in the morning. I would be late for work. I was about to get up when you pulled me back beside you.

You held my hand, tighter than the usual; with your tired eyes, you looked straight to mine and asked, “Why do you love me?”

I stared back at your eyes. I smiled and kissed your lips, “You are a wonderful person. I love everything about you.”

We were silent for a while. I could have said more but I was afraid I would not stop.

“Why do you love me?” I asked back instead.

You looked away. Time seemed to have stopped. The sunlight that poured through the window seemed to cast a shadow across your face.

“You’re running late for work. Better start preparing now,” you answered.

You let go of my hand and slowly, I stood up. “I can take the day off, you know. We can get coffee outside and maybe catch the first movie screening.”

“No… Just go to work. I’ll be fine.”

I walked towards the bathroom. Each step as heavy as my heart was. I was about to close the door when I heard you say, “And I hope you’ll be too.”

—————–

***Written back in January 2012.

If they ask, I know what to say. And I’ll say it out loud without pretense and hesitation. I’ll say each word, each phrase and each sentence as clearly as I could. I’ll make the silence count, too. The moments for them to ponder all that has been said and, more importantly, all that has not.

I’ll look at their faces and see their awe. Perhaps, at times, see some disdain or a little confusion. Each time, I would gladly repeat myself or maybe improve my semantics. Then, they would nod their approval or maybe walk away unable to comprehend all that has been said. I’d whisper, “I did all I could,” then wait for the next willing ear that will listen, will wonder, or will pry. I will tell the same story, as clearly as the first time.

If they ask, I would tell the story with a smile. I would leave nothing to the imagination as I paint a picture out of words. They would either smile with me, smile at me, or think I am crazy. I’ll let them be and carry on with as much enthusiasm as the first time I recounted the story. I’ll finish with so much bravado I would half-expect a round of applause or dead silence.

After it all, I would ask each who dare ask only but one question—how would you have done it?

And alas, I’ll hear them recount the same story I just told them.

I had previously decided the fate of this blog. I was just waiting for WordPress to deactivate it due to inactivity. After all, the things written here are all but a thing of the past. While I am not ashamed of anything that I have done previously, much has changed in me now. I am at a better place. I have moved on, grown up and found happiness within me (and I cringe at the sappiness of the last phrase). I would occasionally re-read some of the posts I have written and each time, I end up missing writing. I have been enjoying my current job and workplace, there simply is no time for me to do anything else.

Recent events, though, made me decide to put things in perspective. A few days back, someone had made attempts to mar my reputation by using this blog to my disadvantage. It has been claimed, by this supposed Morality Guardian, that my sexual exploits in the past (some of which I have diligently documented here) make me unfit to work in my current company and role. Apparently, I pose a threat to ruin the good name of the company that employs me. Thankfully, they decided that these claims are insubstantial and altogether, irrelevant to how I function in my role and, ultimately, to the company’s image. To say the least, I came out unscathed with my good name gleaming as ever.

I have no intentions of finding out who this Morality Guardian is and what his intentions are for stooping so low. But I admit, I had put a lot of thought on what I should do with this blog. I was initially meaning to shut it down completely. But I realized that doing that would make it seem that I am ashamed of the things I have written and of the things I have done. I am proud of the person that I am now and a good part of how I got here is because of the things I have been through in the past.

I have been terribly missing writing. I miss seeing how some people can relate to what I write and sharing my thoughts to those who can spend a few minutes reading through what I post. I miss getting feedback if I have written a crappy article or if my work deserves a Pulitzer (I wish). I miss weaving words into sentences, sentences into paragraphs, and paragraphs into stories.  Stories that I could share and occasionally read through myself. Thus, I have decided to bring ToiletDrama back to life.

They say that when you write, you write for yourself. That has been this blog’s purpose in the past. I had posted entries to document my opinions, my happiness and, most of the time the sorrows I had been through. This shall continue to be my blog’s purpose.

I know I have been a little fickle-headed and quite inconsistent in my attempts to be as prolific as I intend. That is the challenge I am willing to get pass from this point on. My writing style, admittedly, a tad too rusty now. But I am excited to write with new perspectives and a great deal of maturity I have earned over the years.

I write because I can. And that is all I have to say for the mean time.

It’s been more than a year…

This site just reminds me of so much. Things I’d like to remember fondly and to forget frustratingly.

And so, this should be goodbye (for this, blog, at least.).

I’ll be setting up a new one for sure.

You’ll hear about it most definitely.

Okay. This is the first real post that I’ll make in a long while. I’ve been quite preoccupied the past weeks with the new job and apartment and the new schedule needs a little getting used to. I’m also still all hyped up with being home during the weekends.

So a whole lot has changed… again. This year and the latter part of last year can be summed up with one word–change. And oh, also, second chances. Now, while I truly believe that I’ve grown to be pretty flexible and open to new things, I just realized that I am also getting better at screwing things around. But in my defense, there are simply some times that some things are beyond my control.

I don’t feel hurt anymore. Or maybe just a little. More of disappointed, I think. And although I hate having things this way–cryptic–I made a promise. And I intend to keep it that way.

Nah, I guess I’m still not in the mood to write anything relevant.

Sighs!

No. I wasn’t on hiatus. I was just so scared to go online. And I was right to be scared.

You have limited my access. Might as well remove me.

“Love’s involved with spending time together, but spending time apart, can lead to loving even *more*. ”

-Tyler (Robert Pattinson), Remember Me

I’ve been strong the past few days…

Until I saw my journal.

“What do you want most in life?

“What I want most is just a tricycle ride away…”

Tangnang pakingsyet na bwakana-bitch naman oh! Back to square one. Nag-effort pa akong mag-appear na okay.

Tonight, I’ll cry just like the first night.