This Dead Horse

Questions/Prompts to Guide Your Writing:

Recall a time in your life when you made a fresh start. How did your life change? All of my starts are stale. Or the result of an existential crisis. See, that first answer was a pun but the second was serious and that doesn’t work. Let’s start over. (haaaa!) In the second year of my first marriage, in a small town that was nothing like Picket Fences or Northern Exposure or Virgin River, I just got tired of being a first shift person married to a third shift person. He seemed pretty content, and I was unable to continue that life. So, I called HR and arranged an immediate transfer back home. I waited up for my husband and told him. Then I packed up and moved. It was one of the cruelest things I’ve ever done and he deserved better. We both deserved to be happy. The good news is, from what I know, he is much happier now, although I get no credit for that.

I think part of the reason I’m struggling here is that this is not writing. I’m just answering questions, and unless I’m turning them into those “moving essays” from the intro, that’s all this will be.
Tell the story of a time that you tried something new. Tried caviar last week. On sushi. It was fine. Added some lovely texture to my Dragon Roll but unnecessary and overrated.
Do you feel like trying new things is harder for you than most people? Not really, but I do overthink. If it seems safe and is not disgusting, I’m usually willing. UNLESS someone is actively trying to get me to do it, then I’m not gonna.
Think about how a beautiful relationship started. What was the moment it began like? So, are relationships defined by how they begin or how they end? Because most of mine began with attraction, platonic or otherwise, and ending in blood and fire OR silence. Blood and fire being figurative. I’m just not sure I’d describe a relationship as beautiful.
Do you have a favorite hobby or activity? What made you get started? Well, this seems like a weird time for this question. TELL US ABOUT THE TIME YOU DITCHED YOUR OLD LIFE FOR SOMETHING NEW AND ALSO, PICKLEBALL, REALLY, WHY DO YOU LIKE IT?
Can you think of a time when something bad (such as a breakup, tragedy, or job loss) ended up being the catalyst for a beautiful new beginning? Write about it. And there it is. Let’s turn that frown upside down and acknowledge that every new beginning is another new beginning’s end. I am really bad at this. I already know that every choice we made, along with every random circumstance that I had no control over, got me where I am today. STOP MANIPULATING ME, PHYLISS.
Have you ever read a book, watched a movie, or had a conversation that sparked something in you that changed your life forever? Tell the story. Yes. My college boyfriend’s roommate bought me “Even Cowgirls Get the Blues” and up to that point I had no idea there were people out there that thought and wrote and were so goddamn funny like that, and who wrote women in a way I had never seen before. I think that guy got me in a way my college boyfriend did not.

This one had a lot of questions. Maybe I’m doing this wrong. Maybe there are no rules and I can do what I want. Maybe I’m just supposed to pick one?

*LIGHTBULB*

I NEED ANOTHER GIF JUST TO HELP ME PROCESS THAT GIF HERE:

I read back over the answers and my tendency to either focus on the negative in every situation OR deflect with humor is obnoxious.

So is that it, then? Is my “voice” just the sum of two unhealthy behaviors? If I stop seeing the world as a giant burning toilet full of stupid people, will I stop being funny?

What are the odds I will ever stop seeing the world as a giant burning toilet full of stupid people?

Was I ever really funny in the first place, thus removing the giant burning toilet full of stupid people from the equation? (Sorry, stupid burning toilet people. Or NOW YOU ARE FREE, STUPID BURNING TOILET PEOPLE)

Also I am taking too long to write this.

Daily Om’s 68¢ prompt wants me to write about people I have lost today, and I have a couple of good essays that have been hanging out for a while but I don’t feel like revisiting them at the moment. So they finally pick something I don’t want to make fun of, and I’m not in the mood. Way to go, Daily Om. 🙂

I’m not cool enough for this song.

What if I’m just better off alone? What if we’ve been sold a bill of goods about relationships, and they are all transactional, so why bother? Wait, if we’ve been sold a bill of goods about relationships being transactional, is that meta? Woah.

A very silly thing prompted this.

On the way home from getting an MRI for my son, he observed that I overcorrect while driving. When I said I couldn’t tell, he pointed out that the steering wheel, which I hold one-handed at the bottom, was moving back and forth a couple of inches, couldn’t I see that? I thought everyone did that. Just moving as part of the natural curve of the road, not frenetic or anything. I thought that was part of driving. My husband complained about it once, but the reason I was driving is because he had too much beer at the BBQ, so I dismissed his opinion as invalid. My son meant no harm, and I said I appreciated him pointing it out. And I went on to say that if I seemed defensive it’s because I have a large number of people in my life who want to criticize my driving, specifically my sense of direction, but who never seem to want to drive themselves. “Please continue to do the thing I do not wish to do for myself, but know that you suck.” The same people get annoyed when I use GPS.

Which would seem to be more about them needing to control the solution, but what do I know.

I did not consider my son to be one of those people, because at 19, he would MUCH prefer to drive himself, and not have me in the car at all.

I said I’d make an effort to notice and stop doing it. He said the only reason he noticed is because his friend pointed out that he did it. And I wondered aloud if the passenger seat might skew the perspective a bit, that when you are used to being in the driver’s seat and suddenly you are a passenger, that maybe the distance from the lines feels different. Did he remember how controlling I was when I was teaching him to drive because I didn’t trust what I could not see? He said that was possible.

I realize it’s quite a leap from “on the way home from getting an MRI” to “maybe everyone should just fuck off,” but it’s been kind of a theme I’m chewing on lately. So I’m going to chew with my mouth open for a minute.

Knowing that the road looks different from the passenger side is not a giant intellectual feat. My kid is excused, he’s still figuring out his own POV.

Why is it so hard for grown ass people?

The road looks different from the passenger side. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT METAPHOR.

Everyone seems to want to drive from the passenger seat. Until they are in the driver’s seat, then they want to drive from there, too. And you should want to drive from the driver’s seat. That is the only place I want to drive from, unless there is a very large truck bearing down on us threatening to make our merge more literal.

I got people in my life telling me how to do everything better. I can’t even tell a story about my day without the listener trying to guess the ending or solve the problem that wasn’t, not really even listening. I feel like a lot of the people who claim to love me are tired of hearing me talk, and just want me to continue doing whatever they need for them, just silently.

Do I have kind of a negative outlook? Yeah. Can’t deny that one. But it’s not just the negativity that is being rejected. It’s like I have surrounded myself with people who really don’t like me much.

Do we attract people who confirm how we feel about ourselves? I struggle with the “people treat you how you let them” adage because that’s pretty insensitive and victim-blamey, and while I don’t believe in karma, I think there is something to the notion that similar energy attracts.

And then I thought of how many of the relationships in my life exhaust me. Does the rejection and disdain I feel from others mean they are exhausted too? Maybe they all need to go. Except my children, of course, until they are adults and can choose for themselves. Other than that, why do we do this? Why don’t we stop? And my chest suddenly wasn’t as heavy. Being alone sounds so peaceful.

Can you imagine getting through your day without having to compromise on every single point of your existence? Having to argue for your own ability to think for yourself? You just get up and be you. And you come home and be you. And no one is trying to fix you or change you or argue about your damn driving or your diet or your life choices.

Sigh.

I know.

What I really want is to be valued for what I am, even if it’s weird. Not “OH she’s so dumb and she can’t cook but we love her anyway.” Not condescended to. Valued. And left alone and trusted to lead my life in a way that others might not always agree with, but still isn’t wrong.

Or, if that’s too much to ask, then to be left alone entirely. No one can like all of another person, 100% of the time. But if there is so much about me that needs changing or fixing or raising to your standards, maybe just move on.

Boy, I sure am glad I chose something cheerful instead of that other prompt, huh?

Questions to guide your writing:

Is there a meaningful giving experience you’d like to plan for in the future? Write about it. This is the face I’m making while I read this:

Have you ever posted a positive image or quote on social media? What made it special to you? It occurred to me that with all my bitching, I didn’t actually take into consideration the effort that my friends at Daily OM put into their writing prompts vs. how much they cost me. Let’s do the math, shall we? I spent $35. Thirty-five dollars divided by fifty-two weekly prompts is about .68 per. This prompt is 115 words, and let’s go ahead and assume that is standard, which comes out to about .06 per word. Kind of puts it all in perspective.

You people are getting a hell of a deal, here.

Now, back to the question: Yes. Lots. LOTS. Well if “positive” and “made me laugh” are related, and I think they are. Here’s my most recent:

How do you feel like you contribute to the world through your vocation? I do not.

Have you ever donated money or time to a cause? What feelings prompted you to do so? I generally contribute to animal causes, because people are always the reason animals need donations.

Have you ever performed a random act of kindness? Yes, believe it or not. You don’t want to know what? I guess not. Someone really needs to review these prompts, that would have been an interesting question.

How do you contribute to your family or friend group on a regular basis? I try to be a positive, open-minded listener.. For example, today I accompanied my friend to a woo-woo fair, which she spent half an hour and a bunch of money getting her aura recorded, photographed and read. I was there for the sparkly jewelry and pretty things, she was there for the woo woo. I am not woo woo. I am not religious. While I am smart enough to know I don’t know everything, I really don’t believe in anything. (Mr. Jones notwithstanding.) But still I went.

That’s Counting Crows. They did a song called “Mr. Jones” about wanting to be big stars and it’s got great lyrics and one of them is “Believe in me, ’cause I don’t believe in anything. And I…wanna be someone who believes.” and then the song got really big and really famous and then they didn’t want to be famous anymore because it turns out it sucks. Sometimes irony is a bitch on wheels.

Why was I telling you this? Oh right, what I am contributing to friend groups. The story makes it all kind of icky, I just was trying to illustrate that I try to give acceptance and support.

How would you like to live your life with the idea that you’re setting an example for others as you do so? Would you do anything differently? Am I not exempt from this question at my age? Fine. This is such a hopeful question and you are going to make me shit all over it. See here’s the thing – at the point in our lives where we are choosing our life path, we are often trying to make someone else proud of us, or meet some internal or external expectation, and by the time we figure out that much of what we are taught matters actually doesn’t, it’s too late. Often we figure out that we might have been better suited to a different life, and it doesn’t matter. And I can’t say “I’d figure that out sooner” because clearly I was not capable of figuring that out or I would have. HEY that second question wanted a positive quote, didn’t it? Allright, well here’s one of my top 100:

“Love everyone. But never sell your sword.” ~ Paulo Coelho

Questions to guide your writing:

What is it that you feel is missing from your life right now? List as many or as few items as you like. $35. I’m missing $35, Eleanor. I just saw that WordPress has daily prompts. FREE. DAILY. HOW DID I FAIL TO NOTICE THIS? And today’s was more interesting, if less guided: What have I learned in my life about love?

Huh.

What if this is the universe telling me that is what is missing from my life?

Nah.

What is missing in my life is peace, if we are being serious.

I remember when I was on maternity leave with my son, and I learned that one of my co-workers who was a close friend was asked how I was doing, and she said “She seems to have finally found peace.” which now that I think about it sounds like she said I died. However.

Were you high, Nancy? Because I am here to tell you, living in Denmark and planning a holiday whilst deciding which of my fellow aging single friends is going to be able to feed my cat sounds a hell of a lot more peaceful than the dodecadanial* shit show parenting turned out to be.

*made up word. Does not mean two decades, as hoped. Fuck you, merriam-webster.

Is there something that you had in the past that you wish you still had? The nature of anxiety is that it steals peace. I can’t remember the last time I had peace but I can tell you the first time I was aware of anxiety that had no obvious source. I was eleven years old. HUH. That’s about when all the puberty stuff starts. My mom and I were going to the grocery store and I felt very weirdly agitated, like there was something I should be doing that I wasn’t, and I was running out of time. And I kept saying that, over and over, whilst doing all the things a weird 5th grader does, until my mom, the Queen of Generalized Anxiety, told me to “stop saying that!” Next thing I know I’m a social outcast (or so I believe) and I spent my teens driving around smoking in an uncool mustang until I got old enough to drink. It’s been three days since I started this essay and I am past my deadline. Right now I am missing breakfast, specifically waffles. Gonna wrap this up.

Do you feel like you are simply destined not to have some of the things you may want out of life? Where did this belief come from?

Is there a time in your past that you “realized” it just might not be in the cards? These three can be combined. I am not going to be rich or famous for anything I did on purpose. The equation of time + opportunity/motivation does not end favorably anymore. Which is actually ok, I think. I used to want a big ol’ house but I don’t need that much space and responsibility. A lot of money brings a lot of grief, it seems. I would like to be secure and content.

Can you think of anyone you know that has the thing that is missing from your life? What did he or she do differently than what you’re doing right now? Well, shit I just got through saying all I wanted was security and contentment and now I’m gonna act like I wanted to be a writer. I have a lot of writer friends, a few of whom have actual books on actual bestseller lists. One in particular regularly teams up with writers like Mary Higgins Clark, Harlen Coben, couple others, and the difference is twofold and clear: first, she acted intentionally. She intended to be a writer, so she wrote. Also, she has a father who is an award-winning author. I do not say that to diminish her talent, only that it would seem to lead to connections not available to others. Those connections don’t play out if your writing is garbage, however, and hers is not. GOD THIS IS BORING I’M SORRY.

Can you think of one small step you could take toward finding/getting this thing that is missing? IDK I could start small, like with a weekly writing prompt. Maybe spend about $35.

Why are these gif’s so bloody huge?

Week 2, wherein they include so many boring questions that they are hoping we will fall asleep until next week.

I really was going to take this seriously. Ok here goes.

Questions/Prompts to Guide Your Writing:

List as many past jobs that you’ve held as you can think of.

1. I’m having a really hard time formatting this.
2. Not formatting genius, clearly
3. Movie theater concessions and ticket sales
4. Movie theater manager
5. Clothing retail for sketchy store that may have been/still be a cover for drug money or perhaps money laundering because they didn’t/don’t sell enough prom dresses to stay open, Also how is the woman who ran it still alive. She cannot be. *does google search* She is. Or at least she was a year ago. She has to be 90! What was I talking about?
6. Michael’s – frames, floral, cake and candy, crafts….
7. Banking: teller. call center. call center team lead. mortgage center team lead. Operations flunkie. Escrow/loan services. Process analyst. Remote evening item processor which is not as cool as it sounds. Or it might be.
8. Bartender.
9. Facebook small-business content writer. But not for that store in #5.

Are there any particularly funny, horrifying, or heartwarming moments you strongly remember from any (or all) of them? Jot some of your favorites down: I feel like my $35 may not have been as efficaciously spent as I originally thought. Lesse. Once the popcorn machine drawer, the one at the movie theater that contained raw popcorn, somehow rolled off it’s little rolly track and fell, catching the hem of my skirt and yanking it down as it dumped 20lbs of raw popcorn all over the floor, leaving me standing there in my underwear in popcorn front of a line full of customers. Once some shitty people distracted me with questions while other members of their party broke into my office and stole my purse. I once fired someone for smearing a body fluid on the walls of the bathrooms. I won a trip to Hawaii for my call center team’s performance which in retrospect seems very unfair but they also sent individual top performers from the customer service teams so maybe not. I also did some mind-numbingly stupid things on purpose but they aren’t very exciting. These are terrible stories. I was not a great manager. I don’t have any new stories. All of my most exciting stories are from 20 years ago and I’m not sure what that means. THIS IS BORING.

Are you currently fulfilled at work? If so, why or why not? No. Yes? I do not seek fulfillment at work except that in the need to feel my job does something necessary and measurable. I like to leave it behind at the end of the day. I hated management because it seemed like all I did was go to meetings and worry about things that were not completely in my control, which does not feel meaningful. To me.

What is the best job that you’ve ever had? Why do you think you liked it? I do not have a single favorite. I loved being a bartender because, I think, at that young age, it made me feel liked. Which I was not, necessarily, I just had beer and such. But ok. I liked management’s paycheck. I like the linear nature of what I do now. I work completely independently. I have a list of tasks, I get to make some decisions and be responsible for the outcome. My content writing job lets me work how much or how often I like. I liked the craft store because they paid me to make things. I hated being a teller. Nothing good about that job. The theater let me see all the movies first, and I ran the projector, which at the time felt important.

Does a part-time or full-time position suit you better? Why? At this point in my life, my two part-time work from home jobs suit me well. I often think about my relatively shitty income and wonder what opportunities I missed, but that is the nature of anxiety. I have to remind myself of this quote all the time: “Ego will leave you crying over a locked door with nothing behind it.”

What is the worst job you’ve ever had? Why did you take it (or stay longer than you wanted)? Teller, or another operations job I did for a while that was chaotic and too easy to screw up. I stayed because I needed a job, silly.

What are your work values? Think of values that bring you emotional fulfillment (being challenged, helping others, influence, etc.) as well as external things that you value (high earnings, job security, having adequate time away from work, etc.) I valued high security too much when I was young. Then I valued high salary too much. And then I reached a point where I didn’t value them enough.I wish I would have realized that choosing something you enjoy and letting that career define you is not so bad – but when you try to assume a role that you hate just to be “successful” that role becomes unbearable.

What is your dream job? You know that quote “Do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life”? It’s bullshit. It’s the obligation that makes it work. It’s not all bad, tho. If you can, either enjoy what you do or fiercely enjoy your time away. Remember that not everyone has a choice. I did not answer the question. My dream job would be super flexible. It would allow me to make decisions without accountability. (YOU SAID DREAM JOB NOT REALISTIC JOB) I would be well paid, travel, eat, experience, and write about it. I have a friend who seems to have my dream job but I have no idea the path she took to end up there.

What if you thought of your work as a calling instead of a grind (even if just for now)? Oh stop. Here we go again.

Are the internal values more or less important than the external things you receive? If you hate your job, your paycheck will never be enough. If you love your job but don’t get paid fairly, you can’t pay your bills. Both are pretty important.

Do you feel like you need to work toward a change in your career or vocation? Why? No, because I am an angry, impatient old woman. I do not want to beg people to read my stuff, buy my book, join my group. I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to go into an office and wear pants every day. Should the perfect opportunity present itself I would probably consider it.

I was going to complain about the boring prompts again but I think this is helping not think about what I am writing so much. If any future prompts are too awful I reserve the right to write about uncontrollable flatulence.

I started a year-long course with a weekly writing prompt. I do not have a goal, an agenda or nefarious plot. I will probably not be fun to read. I may or may not leave comments on. The first prompt is…meh. *sigh*

Sorry about this.

What is standing in your way right now? Me, I get it. Me me me me me. If I say “lack of free time” the answer is still me. If I say “fear of failure” the answer is still me. What do I win?

What would happen if you overcame the obstacle? More importantly, what would happen if you didn’t (think broadly: emotionally, physically, financially, etc.)? Are these prompts going to get better or do I have 51 more turds to look forward to? There’s an obstacle. A mountain of turd prompts. Hm. That doesn’t sound like it means what I meant for it to mean.

Anyway.

If I were to get out of my own way, I might get published somewhere that means something to me. I don’t know what that means, really, because I lost my way when I started basing my pub goals on what would impress other people. I might find an audience who looked forward to my voice. Wouldn’t that be cool?

What if I don’t? Well that’s a silly question. Clearly I will spend $35 on a mountain of turd prompts. I thought we established that.

Can you reframe the most pressing current obstacle as simply a to-do list? In other words, in order to overcome this, what do you need to learn? What tasks do you need to perform? Who do you need to convince? Me again. I need to convince ME. God you are so predictable. You know what is delicious? Heavenly Hunks Organic Oatmeal Dark Chocolate Gluten-free cookies. They’re VEGAN so I am better than you. They are also – and this is important, pay attention – about a 2 X 2 inch “cookie” @ 110 calories per. You know what task I need to perform? Eating this cookie. Just the oatmeal chocolate, tho, I found the Vanilla version at TJ Maxx once and they are clearly intended for vegans who are mad at themselves. Loneliness. They taste like loneliness.

Have you ever used an “obstacle” as an excuse not to get started? Did you regret it? Did you not read that last paragraph? That’s obstacle-driven avoidance if I ever saw it. These cookies are giving me heartburn, so you could say I regret it.

Are obstacles really just fears holding you back? Stop being such a condescending dick, we all knew this was where you were heading from the first question.

What is the longest-running obstacle in your life? MEMEMEMEMEMEEEEEEE clearly we are going to beat this drum to death.

What steps have you used to make progress toward overcoming it? How far have you come with it? What do you wish would happen? How would that be possible? Well, I bought some turd prompts and ate a vegan cookie. This is like that first blush of a “writer’s” conference where we all go around the room and tell a little about ourselves. IT’S ALL BULLSHIT, SYLVIA! In no time we are vaping pot behind our totebags and we’ve stopped wearing deodorant. Then we find out that “breakfast” is reconstituted eggs and stale danish and there’s no open bar and we all just want to go home but we already paid so we might as well stand on the balcony naked singing that one song from A Star is Born. No, not that one, the Lady Gaga version.

What is the biggest obstacle you faced in your past? Did you overcome it? If so, how? If not, why? You know what is a bad idea? Tendonitis. Because it hurts but also you sometimes get that topical anti-inflammatory gel to put on it, so you do but you forget to wash your hand and then you lick your fingers after your seventh vegan cookie and now you are pretty sure your sense of taste is never coming back.

Would I be here if I had overcome it, Vivian?

STILL ME. You have made your point. Have a vegan cookie. Ok, but not one of the ones I touched.