Two years ago when I moved to Philly I joined a gay tennis group. Since then I’ve played tennis with a few members of that group somewhat consistently. While I’ve enjoyed getting my exercise in with these folks, some of the cis gay men I’ve met say problematic things, such as:
1) feeling the need to comment on number of calories burned after a match is over, with a tone implying that greater calories burned is better
2) saying things about dieting and not eating to get a certain body type that will look good in pictures on Fire Island (the person who said this was decent enough not to say it in front of me, though our mutual friend told me he still said it, which, still yikes)
3) at a birthday party I went to recently, a cis gay man yelling “gay death!” when we were all taking a group picture because the person we were celebrating was turning 30
Some people may say I’m being overly sensitive. Though, as someone who had an eating disorder for many years earlier on life, I really would rather not normalize tracking calories to get a thin body, prioritizing what other men think of how I look, or ageism. People can care about what they want, though speaking for myself, I have clients to care for, students to support, and a life I want to enjoy without spending undue time thinking about my appearance.
When I reflect on what helps me reject the fatphobia in the gay community, I consider my love for Caroline Knapp’s memoir Appetites, and I think of my best friends. Continue reading →
the quiet voice 