Featured

Loss

Trigger Warning: Mention of Death and Loss

Very few moments in life make you rethink your entire existence, and even fewer remind you the little bits of your childhood you had forgotten completely. These thoughts are often triggered by emotions you feel so deeply that no scream is loud enough to let it out- the lump in the throat is still there when you think you’re done.

Losing my father to this demonic illness called COVID 19 is the most devastating thing that has happened to me. Every time I think what could possibly be worse, I scare myself because that is exactly what I thought on a lot of occasions before my dad passed away. A chill runs down my spine, my shoulders fall and a lump forms in my throat every time I think about “what could have been”. I could have done absolutely nothing to prevent it from happening but my grieving self thinks otherwise. When the people and moments you love slip out of your hands forever, the only thing you are left with is internal conflict of a kind you can never explain, only feel.

The urge to wail at the top of my lungs is so intense that when I open my mouth, only a gasp is heard, followed by few seconds of heavy breathing. The urge does not go away, just keeps getting stronger till I fall asleep while thinking about never being able to see my dad again. The day it happened I hugged my mom at night and wept like I had never before. I am physically unable to howl like that again because I feel like I will literally break into pieces, but the urge never goes away.

It has been a fortnight of endless pain and a struggle to find the right way to express it. The messages of strength and condolences are gestures with good intentions but none give me comfort- and I know that absolutely nothing can. Spending time in the physical presence of those who love me is the only time I don’t feel like I will crumble under the heaviness inside me.

You can never get accustomed to this feeling but it is inevitable, for I am a mortal and so are those I hold dear.

May your soul find peace, dad.

Why I Stopped Eating Meat

I know I am going to get a lot of eye-rolls and snarky faces for this one, but hear me out. Maybe it makes sense to you by the end of it.

I had been watching a lot of YouTube videos on things like minimalism and sustainability. It started off as a research on fast fashion but quickly went into a whole other dimension. I had been thinking about it for a while- how being vegetarian would feel like, and whether I could pull it off. This was way before the YouTube videos and any knowledge on the mentioned topics.

I NEVER thought I could pull it off, since I have never liked eating veggies a lot…so that leaves me with very few options and little motivation to switch to a vegetarian diet.

Today, 11th August 2020, is the day I completed an entire month without having non-veg. And let me tell you, it feels good. Good enough to make me stick to it.

The Challenges

The major challenge was just starting. I had been thinking about it for a long time, and to be very honest I was also inspired by a friend who gave up meat more than a year ago. Back then, I was really surprised and gave her the same logic all of us are given, “it is SUPPOSED to be eaten and that’s why it is produced.” Now I understand what made her change her preferences.

As I mentioned, I have never been a huge fan of vegetables so it was absurd till a point, to even think about being a vegetarian. And it WILL have a huge impact on my eating out since I almost always ordered non vegetarian food.

Sometimes I’ve had slight cravings but nothing I could not control. It has been very simple and there’s no such major challenge to it, apart from the first one.

The Positives and Reasons

So here’s WHY I made the choice:

  • Meat production results in a huge amount of emissions. I don’t want my food choices to be destructive.
  • Most of the meat is not ethically produced, meaning animals are forcefully bred and kept in the worst possible conditions before being slaughtered.
  • I haven’t watched a single documentary because I cannot handle it but go ahead and Google if you want, you’ll find plenty on the meat industry.
  • I just feel that the same people who would laugh at this would also be infuriated if any culture in the world practiced eating meat of domesticated animals which are usually kept as pets.
  • I am in no way better than another living species just because I happen to be a human being, so I shouldn’t be taking a life to feed myself.
  • A plant based diet is way more sustainable than a meat based one.

I have started eating healthier, and more mindfully. I understand that I have to adjust to this lifestyle because I’ve made a choice and I’m willing to shed my inherent food preferences for it.

I actually want to go Vegan, but the first step to that is going Vegetarian. Dairy is an essential part of a regular Indian diet and it is hard to completely give it up in a short span of time. Also, it requires a lot of determination.

Veganism has it’s pros and cons as well, expensive and lack of accessibility being the most prominent cons. But that’s a whole other field which I’m not educated enough to talk about yet.

All in all, I feel like it is my moral responsibility to not support brutality against any living being. I understand that meat is a huge part of various platters, but it also contributes negatively towards the environment.

I don’t feel like I am losing out on anything by choosing to eat vegetarian, as I used to feel earlier. If anything, I would like to apologize to every person if I ever joked about them being a vegetarian.

Studies have shown that vegetarians are comparatively healthier, have a reduced risk of heart diseases, etc etc. End of the day, it is just making your taste buds adapt to something they weren’t used to. And it is entirely based on how you feel about certain things.

In no way do I mean to make anyone feel ashamed about their food choices, nor do I hate any non vegetarians. Your dietary preferences are yours and no one except you has the right to make a decision regarding it.

A month in and I feel great about it. I hope I’ll stick to it and be a better version of myself!

Follow me on Instagram here.

Like, Share and Comment if you liked it. Do share your views on the topic too!

Will I Really Continue?

“It is so hard to come up with something new and interesting to write, I might just close this page very soon.”

“I am just a speck in this galaxy, how much could I possibly matter?”

These particular thoughts have come to my mind a thousand times, and they don’t seem to go away even if I tell my brain to shut up every time. It isn’t just about this blog, or my Instagram page- it is about every hobby I pick up in general. I do not like not being immediately good at something. In fact, I’d rather not do something if I can’t be remarkable at it in a short span of time.

I have always left things mid-way, and have hardly kept up with anything because of this entire thought process- it just comes very naturally to me. That is the reason why I left this blog all those years ago- because I wasn’t as good in writing as other people whose works I liked were. And I am still not- I have loads to learn, and I can name so many people who would totally own this whole affair almost immediately after starting.

So why do I do this in the first place? Why do I write?

The only answer I’ve been able to give to myself is that it just feels right. In that specific moment, it feels like this is the right thing to do, and I just start and don’t stop till I am done. I don’t even read and fix what I have written more than thrice, and I just post. Because as I mentioned, the more I think, the more posts go into ‘drafts’.

I also have this particularly obnoxious voice in my head, which tells me repeatedly that I HAVE to justify myself to everyone by providing a very logical and intricate explanation for everything I do. And that’s the thing, folks- I only recently started realizing that I don’t have to.

So that is the very long explanation behind my decision to restart this blog. Hah. Maybe I haven’t had a good-enough realization.

But here’s the thing which actually makes me do the stuff I want to, these days: I’ll learn only if I actually do it, only if I make a genuine effort to put myself out there. Literally no amount of overthinking or reading up a hundred articles on how to be better at something will help me if I end up doing nothing with that. It won’t improve my skills, neither will it help my confidence if I don’t write regularly on the blog. And this isn’t relevant just in this scenario- it is applicable to everything.

If something feels right, just do it. What is the worst that could happen? Someone won’t like or appreciate your work? That’s totally okay- because you’re doing this just for yourself.

It took me years to get where I am when it comes to the things I do decently well in. It wasn’t an overnight affair, and it can never be. So why should I hesitate to be not good enough? Why should I even think that I don’t deserve to try? There’s a first time for everything, and there’s a 1000th time too. It’s completely alright even if it is the 5000th time which makes you feel like you belong. What matters is that you try- without hesitation- and give yourself a pat on the back for being able to step out of that suffocating bubble of anxiety.

It does take a lot of effort and self-convincing to do your thing, it takes even more to accept the fact that there will always be someone better than you who has exactly what you aspire for. You just need to remind yourself that it is their millionth time, and it is obvious that the millionth time will be better than the tenth or hundredth one. What’s even more important, is to ingrain in yourself the fact that it takes a first to get to the millionth.

Do it. Do what you’ve always wanted to but were held back by any reason. Post that song cover, publish that art project, put your video out there. Get back to that one thing which makes you feel at home but you’re afraid to pick it up again.

Do it for you, darling. You owe it to yourself.

 

Follow me on Instagram here, where I post other art and short pieces.

 

 

 

 

 

A Letter To My Younger Self

Hi, it’s you. Literally.

This would’ve been a really long read, but I know your attention span- so I’ll keep it short.

I know how overwhelming things are, almost always. It feels like you keep changing yourself constantly in order to adapt; it feels like you cannot put your finger on what your heart really wants, and I want to tell you- it’s okay. It really is, no matter how much your mind tries to tell you that it’s not.

What others think of you is not your business, what YOU think of you is.

I know you feel like when every other person you come across has a comment to pass, it is impossible to just not think about it. Believe me, if you try, it’s just going to become a habit. You are the one who has lived your life, and come this far. Then why, should someone else dictate, how you should be?

It is normal to have bad days.

Because if you don’t, you won’t appreciate the good days enough. Every day cannot be the brightest day, and that is fine- just stop and breathe. There will be a tomorrow, and you will feel better. You will get through this. Just hang in there, you got this.

Your best can be different every day.

If your best today was not as good as your best yesterday, it is still your best. Every day isn’t the same and so is the case with any person. You’re not a machine, you’re just a human being, and everyone has a different “best” on different days. Some days, just getting out of bed and dragging yourself to show up is an achievement. Applaud yourself for it, honey.

It’s okay to have tried and failed.

Not everything is meant for everyone, and that is completely normal. Not everyone can be everything, so you don’t have to feel like you’re not good at anything if something doesn’t work out for you. It just means that maybe that isn’t for you and something else is out there, just waiting to be conquered by you.

You don’t owe an explanation to anyone.

As long as you’re being true to yourself and following your heart, you do not need to justify it. You’re not as judged as you feel, and even if someone makes you feel like you need to justify why you’re doing something you love, let that person go. The only person you should be answerable to, is yourself. Don’t let yourself down and everything will be super cool, honey.

People who make you feel like you don’t belong, aren’t your friends.

I know how much you criticize yourself for feeling a certain way, or for being a certain way because someone told you that you shouldn’t. You take anything from your so called “friends” and feel like you’re the one who needs to change. You don’t. And also, the people who constantly point out your flaws but never help you overcome your shortcomings, aren’t your friends. Trust mom on this one.

Much love,

C.

 

It is natural to shed parts ourselves as we grow, because we learn so much with experience. And it is important that we implement our revelations, because only then can we be the versions of ourselves we’ve always wanted to be.

What would YOU tell your younger self?

 

Follow me on Instagram here.

Comment, Like, Share and Follow!

This is About You.

If someone tells you to make a list of things you would want to accomplish in a regular, sans pandemic week, I am sure you’d have a number of things to jot down. And I’m also pretty sure self-care would not be a part of a lot of lists.

Here’s the thing: you don’t look after yourself IF and WHEN you have the time, you take out time to take care of yourself.

If you can’t take care of yourself, then believe me, you won’t be able to do half the things you plan to. Why? Because of the simple reason that you need to have the energy and the mental place to do accomplish something; if you’re lacking in that, you won’t get the desired results. Also because you’re not a machine, honey.

I know, it might feel very selfish, or absurd, or simply a waste of time to even think about self-care on a weekday. No matter what your age or your duties, you do hesitate to think about giving yourself a break. But the good news is, it’s not your fault.

Nobody teaches us to think about taking a break, because “it is a constant race and the one who relaxes, loses.” But who are we competing with? Each other? Sounds like a lot of made-up stuff to me, because:

a) where is the finish line?

b) what is the reward, and is it even worth it?

You should not have to put yourself at the end of the list as a weekend-only chore. You should not have to wait for a pandemic to look after yourself. You should not have to think “if I have the time, maybe I’ll get enough sleep.” You can’t pour from an empty glass; and mind you, glasses are fragile too.

Be kind to your body and soul, be a little more patient with yourself. You don’t need to beat yourself up for something you wouldn’t beat someone else up for. If you think you need to put someone else before you- how will you able to be there for anyone if you’re not well enough to do so? Exhausting yourself physically, mentally or emotionally is not something you need to do in order to accomplish anything. You. Come. First.

Since we’ve now established that the concept of self-care is essential, here are a few things you can do to nurture your body and mind:

  • Write Your Feelings Down

To take out the time to write down what we’re feeling, is not as common a practice as it should be. It isn’t that hard- just pick up any diary or page, or your phone or laptop in case you’re not a pen-paper kinda person, and just write down whatever is in your head and heart at that moment. Just spill. If it’s hard to think of what to write, you could try writing about something you’re grateful for.

  • Give Yourself A Compliment

You deserve a lot more credit than you give yourself. Some days, it is an accomplishment to even get out of bed, or to go to work, or to cook for yourself. Applaud yourself it. Stand in front of the mirror, look yourself in the eye and say it out loud- “i’m insanely amazing, and that’s a fact.” It’ll put a smile on your face, I promise.

  • Treat Yourself

Been too hard on yourself lately? Just can’t let go of your routine and relax? Do it immediately. Treat yourself to something you used to enjoy years ago but haven’t recently because of a million commitments. Be it your favourite snack, your favourite movie, or activity- just put everything away and do it. If a dance party with your friends, family, or just yourself makes you feel great, put on some great music and just groove.

  • Call Up Your Old Friend

If you haven’t been able to keep in touch with someone who is very close to you, go ahead and give them a call right away. It’ll instantly put you in a great mood and make their day too.

  • Clean and Organize

Most of us put off organizing our things or cleaning the house for “when we have the time.” The time is now. Do it. Even if it is just a very small space, it’ll give you a huge amount of peace and satisfaction if you decide to de-clutter.

  • Write A Love Letter To Yourself

We might be living in the age of instant messaging but the charm of a handwritten letter is irreplaceable. Pick up a nice sheet of paper, some good quality pens and sit down where you feel the most comfortable. And now, write a love note/ love letter to yourself. It might be hard to begin, I know, but just try. You could simply start by thinking about how your mom would describe you. Once, you’re done, read it 10 times and keep it in an envelope for future you.

  • Turn Off Your Phone

It’s very tough to, but by doing so, you’re not only giving yourself peace, but also making yourself productive. Everything you do, from work to leisure, 90% of it is in there in your gadgets. Turn them off for 3 hours, at least. And do anything which makes you feel good but do not go near your phone or tablet or laptop. Distance yourself from the world just for a tiny fraction of your day. I promise you, you’ll want to continue this detox for a couple more hours and on a regular basis.

  • Drink More Water and Get More Sleep

Because only when you’re fresh will you be able to be at your best each day. No good has ever come out of punishing yourself by neglecting basic things like hydration and sleep. If it slips your mind, put 5 reminders on your phone to help you make it a habit. Your future self will definitely thank you.

 

The list is very long, and it is definitely not exhaustive. It’ll need like 10 more blog posts.

Think of yourself as another human you’re responsible for, and start practicing self care. It’ll only take little steps to get to a healthier, more positive version of yourself. Just start, it’ll happen.

 

Follow me on Instagram here.

 

-C