About three years ago I was in a very stressful work situation and I developed panic attacks, the first few times I had an attack it was very very scary and I did not know what the hell was going on.
I wrote this piece on another blog I no longer use, and I wanted to add it here in case someone else is suffering and by reading this and realising what is going on they can begin to deal with this horrible affliction better. I still have attacks, in fact I had on last night, but now I have coping mechanisms and I know that it will pass. It is still a very horrible experience though.
“It is said that despite its many glaring (and occasionally fatal) inaccuracies, the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy itself has outsold the Encyclopedia Galactica because it is slightly cheaper, and because it has the words “DON’T PANIC” in large, friendly letters on the cover.” Douglas Adams
Some good advice from one of my favorite Authors.
Unfortunately I do panic.
More specifically I suffer from panic attacks. This is not a new thing with TTC but something that has occurred before during periods of stress and unhappiness. I have had some counselling in the past and in my teens and early twenties even had some medication (although I now know that was in no way helpful). Panic attacks are really horrible things and at various times have made me feel like I am having an asthma attack, a break down or cracking up completely. Remus (once again) is absolutely amazing with me, he just always seems to know what to do. He uses to volunteer for the Samaritans helpline and is cool in a crisis.
Anyway, I had one on Sunday and I just wanted to describe how it felt. You see, sometimes I get well into one before I realize what is happening, and I am hoping if I write down what happens I will remember to look out for the signs and maybe the next one wont be so bad, or come as such a shock.
What is interesting is that they don’t necessarily happen after bad news, or before something I am worried about. Sometimes something happened a week ago and it takes my body/brain that long to process it and then suddenly it all comes out and sometimes they just seem to come out of the blue. The one on Sunday seemed to be one of those that I couldn’t put my finger on what triggered it. Oh, I know it was to do with my sadness over our TTC journey, I am just not sure why Sunday was the day.
On Saturday I had lunch and a walk with my very good friend Suze. She is the only ‘real life’ struggling TTCer that I know. We had a good chat about our issues around TTC and I was feeling fine about it. Not even a tiny bit teary. Then Remus’ folks came over for supper and we had a really lovely evening with them. Well, I woke up on Sunday feeling ok, Remus and I came downstairs and had breakfast. The plan for the day was to cut down a big ugly bush in the back garden so he went to sort all of the stuff out for that. I went online to check my emails etc. It was at that point that I began the decent into the panic attack, although at the time I didn’t recognize it. I began to feel deeply, deeply sad. That isn’t unusual at the moment though. It comes in waves, I’m fine, then I’m sad, then I’m fine again. This time the sadness felt oppressive, like a weight pressing me down. It got worse and worse. This is the point when my irrational brain takes over and all of the unfairness of the situation seems to pour into my consciousness.
At this point the deep sadness seems to be in my veins as well. I can feel it like a pain in my whole body. The unhappiness feels like it is trickling round my body, into every limb, muscle and organ. I ache with sadness. I also begin to feel switched of from the world around me. Remus has often said I become a sort of zombie just before I begin to panic. I am unresponsive and very, very quiet (unusual for me!! lol). I find I can’t look him in the eye because the intimacy is too painful, but at the same time I become clingy and follow him round like a puppy as I cannot bear to be left on my own with the weight of the sadness. On this occasion he came in to tell me he needed to go to the garden centre for some bits and did I want to come. That was when the tears began to come. But at this point I was still very quiet. Yes I did want to go with him. I couldn’t bear the thought of being left alone. I put on some sunglasses and got into the car.
Now my body felt like it wasn’t mine. Every step was an effort and raising my arm felt like a dead weight. We got to the garden centre and I went in with Remus. I honestly felt like a mental person, I could hardly walk, I was clinging on his arm like an agoraphobic, and I felt utterly detached and unable to come back to sanity. Back in the car it clicked what was going on. As soon as I said to Remus, ‘I think I am not too well honey, I think I am having a panic attack’, that was when it all started to come out. I was crying properly now, and by the time we got home I was sobbing. Once we got into the house I guess I felt safe as that was when I had to gasp for breath and I felt totally out of control, totally at the mercy of the suffocation and desperation, unable to catch my breath. In the grip of overriding, unaccountable fear.
The first few times that happened I tried to fight it, that does not work. I used to get into such a state I really thought I would not be able to breathe. Now I know that if I let it come, and I let myself get pretty hysterical, that it will get out of my system and eventually I will feel much better. So I let it happen. The actually panicky bit does not last as long as it used to now that I let it go. After I was a bit better Remus went out to start the bush and I curled up in bed and read a book for a little while. Pretty soon I felt a little better and I went out to help and by the time we were finished I felt absolutely fine.
They are horrible, but each time I think I manage them a bit better. I hope next time, maybe I will remember writing this, and all the signs and be able to make it even less intense. Having said that, since I had the attack I have felt much better, so maybe, at the moment it is a process my body/brain etc needs to go through. Like when you need to be sick and afterwards feel relieved and not so ill.
At the moment they are not too regular. Once a month maybe. If it gets any worse I will certainly talk to the doc about it as I know they upset Remus as well as me and the poor guy has enough to deal with at the moment.
How about you all, does anyone else get anything like this?
Life, don’t talk to me about life. Marvin
The Moon on a Stick 
Thanks for sharing this. You know, I think this has happened to me. I just thought it was normal to be hysterical. My husband even (lovingly), nicknames me CB (for crazy bitch) because sometimes…. I react in illogical, irrational ways. I feel so sad. I want to cry. I want to throw stuff (and sometimes I do, shame on me) and what’s scary is that it just takes over my body. Then it goes away, and when it’s over I realize how absurdly I acted and I feel better. But not in the moment. And yes, lately it has been related to our fertility issues, but it can also be related to all kinds of small irrelevant things (like going nuts because, say I can not find the instruction manual for x or y, or where is that cd where we saved those photos… How did therapy help you? Should I get it? Should I develop coping mechanisms by myself? The husband gets kind of really scared when it happens because he says I’m not me, but a 4 year old, and I won’t listen, and I just won’t act normal. And when it passes, I recognize it’s true but in the moment, I can not control my reactions.
I have found therapy useful for depression but I am not sure what impact it has on panic attacks as they are sporadic and irregular. I would say what has helped me the most is learning the signs and being aware when I am having an attack. I have found there is nothing I can do when I feel one coming on and that fighting against it makes it worse. I have to let it happen and allow myself to feel what I am feeling. Now that they scare me less I have found they do not last as long. I found writing down what happened each time has helped me get a better idea of what they are. I always write the whole day so that any sign is caught. For me the big warnings are feeling clingy towards my husband, feeling deeply sad at a very fundamental level, going very quiet almost like the calm before the storm and the biggest sign of all is the tingling fizzing sensation I get in my arms and all over my body as if I can feel the excess adrenaline pumping round. Also my body feels like a dead weight and I move slowly, like an old lady. Then suddenly I begin to cry a little and that is usually the trigger for deep crying that turns into gasping and fighting for air. Everyone is different though and when I was on clomid the attacks were similar to what you describe, with the shouting and irrational childlike tantrum that you cannot control. I would say always let it happen, have a good cry and get it out. The best thing your husband can do is be there quietly and calmly until it passes and then give you a huge hug.
Oh and I am so glad that putting this out there is a help. That was my intention. I have found very little info online about panic attacks and yet I think they are very common.