Circus Peanuts…..

One thing that amazed me about choosing adoption is how many roadblocks I came up against. When I was pregnant I was set on it. When I am set on something, I don’t change my mind. Although I am not sure I made the right decision NOW. All the counseling in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD wouldn’t have changed my mind then. Right? Maybe not, but that’s who I am. And these weren’t “Hey maybe counseling would help.” roadblocks. (i did get those though and I was ok with that, maybe I should have listened) But these were “You are doing a horrible thing. What’s wrong with you? No none places for adoption.” roadblocks!! And not like a suggestion but “YOU WILL DO THIS, OR NOT DO THIS!!!”

When I  was around 4 or 5 months along (I think) and they wanted me to have a Sonogram. I had been going to Blue Hills Medical Center (that’s what we’ll call it). When I first started going there I loved the fact that I could work with a mid-wife and that they had a sliding scale for medical care. Things had  been going great and I had told them about my plan for adoption. I guess they didn’t have very many patients that chose adoption and they just couldn’t quite understand it and looked at me like I was quite nuts.

I had scheduled an appointment for a Sonogram with the front desk and showed up for my appointment that day. Throughout the time I had been going there they INSISTED I apply for medicaid. I had declined on many occasions. I told them about my bad experience and told them it wasn’t something I was comfortable with. Now REGARDLESS of whether I was choosing adoption this should have been something that was not pushed on me! If wanted thousands of medical bills to pay if chose to keep my daughter wasn’t that my decision??? Basically the staff told me in so many words, “No one chooses adoption and sticks with it. You will need medicaid and if you don’t apply we won’t go forward with your medical care.” I was floored. They told me until I filled out paperwork for medicaid they would not perform my sonogram!!! So I walked out the door and never went back. I called my mom and told her what happened immediately. I called my attorney. I couldn’t believe I need to find a new doctor.

So I did. Fairly easily. My mom called her OB and told them about my problem and they offered to see me right away and things were back on track! 🙂

My family had also denied me any help financially or in any other way. My mother later denied that and said that she bought various “baby items” when I planned on parenting. She never told me of this until a few months ago. 😐
So here I was……stuck in a bad position. I had no insurance, a temporary job I had just started only making $9 an hour, no finical help, no government help and no moral support. The friends we had made at our restaurant we no longer interested in us. Some realized actions had consequences and stopped talking to us. Others were mad at us. Quite a few of them, their lives had caught up with them as well. My girlfriends K, J and C were all pregnant too. This is the ironic part I talked about earlier. We all ended up pregnant within months of each other. This should have bonded us, but I was leaning towards adoption at this time and they didn’t agree with my decision. So once again I was alone. Except for R, R did offer me quite a bit of moral support.

I am not sure what finally led me to the decision of adoption. I’m not really sure it was ever a conscience decision. I think it was just kind of one of those things that just happened. I read the ads in a local free newspaper from time to time. And there were ads about adoption…..”Couple wanting to adopt……blah, blah, blah”. Going to an agency never crossed my mind. I had been burned by the government with medical assistance. I was very ANTI-anything I thought had to do with the system.

I picked one that sounded good and called the number. I wasn’t picky. Looking back on it I wish I had been more picky. I just wanted to “get it over with and pick someone”. I talked BR first. (the adad) I don’t remember how long we talked, for awhile. He wanted me to call back later when BA was home. So I did. And talked to her for awhile. I wish I could remember that first phone call. So much that happened after the adoption decision was made is a blur.

They gave their attorneys number and told me to call her, which I did the next day. I remember I had tons of questions. About the process, about my mounting medical bills, about what would happen. She answered them but told me I would need to get my own lawyer and gave me a list of numbers. It didn’t take me long to make a decision. This would be the couple I chose. I didn’t look at dozens of profiles or agonize over who it would be. I regret that almost more than I regret the adoption. The first couple I talked to, I looked at, where the ones.

Making a decision scared the crap out of me and I felt a HUGE weight lift once I did.