Mormons: Them Are Some Crazy Mother Fuckers

With Romney being the Republican nominee this election, many people are wondering what Mormonism is all about. Well, not to worry because we are here to fill you in. Mormonism, like most other Judeo-Christian religions, is based in dogmatic beliefs that promote a lot of hatred, but the Mormons like to take it one step farther. While all Judeo-Christian religions portray woman as the temptress that caused the fall of man, they still allow that women can make to heaven on their own accord. But not the Mormons; women can only get into the Celestial Kingdom (CK) if their husbands invite them.

Speaking of getting into the CK, only priesthood holders and their wives whom they invite in are allowed. All adult male Mormons in good standing are initiated into the priesthood. However, the Mormons did not allow Blacks to be priesthood holders until the mid 80s meaning black people were not allowed to go to heaven. The Mormons believe that Blacks have been cursed by their god and that is why they are black–they are the devil’s people. This is why most of the Mormons you see are so white and why the Mormons are famous for their genealogy records. They started keeping fastidious records to ensure that no black people or people who were even part black were allowed into their priesthood.

As many of you have heard, Fundamentalist Mormons “practice the principle” by engaging in plural marriage because they believe that the more wives and children they have, the higher their place in heaven will be. Evidently, if you have enough wives and children, you can be a king in the CK. While the LDS Church rejected plural marriage so that Utah could become a state, they do still allow men to have multiple wives in the CK while women can only be “sealed” to one man.

While most of the Mormons we have met have been really, really nice and all dogmatic religions require their followers to make “leaps of faith”, we still think the Mormons are pretty special. As in special ed. So, dating a Mormon would probably not be a great idea, if you are a woman. However, if you are a man, this my be a good choice for you.

This is all without even touching on their goofy underwear or wacky temple practices, but if you want to know more watch the South Park “All About Mormons” episode or Big Love. We like to get all of our information from fiction TV shows.