TO: KEZZIE
I know you are partial to the odd bit of pre-loved apparel. I too am in favour of the seconds market and the charity shop. (My particular weakness is for books.) Does the Febreze advert upset you like it upsets me?

TO: STEPH/VEN
How are you getting on with your orange?

TO: WIFE
I hope you enjoy your holiday next week! Don’t miss me too much!

But everyone definitely does.

DO NOT INSERT INTO A CANAL

I can’t think of anything else that is obviously intended for something but isn’t allowed to admit as such in its advertising. Can you?

I thought, “I’ll blog about that,” and I have remained true to my word.

Tis the season to be jolly, and indeed apologies to one of the legion of spam commenters as I have missed your birthday.

Here is my Advent confession: I don’t like chocolate calendars. In fact I think Advent calendars should be made of cardboard, and tell the story of the nativity. The best ones reference the Gospels, and point you to the relevant verse in Matthew or Luke.

My mother knows this and sometimes buys me one, even though she knows I am a staunch atheist. This confuses some people.

What is your Advent confiteor?

* Or in fact, one. In fact, hello Kezzie!

I thought this was a Very Good Idea and immediately stole it. I don’t know if Kezzie stole it from someone in turn or if it is her own, but it is quite clear that it isn’t mine.

However, as The Chrlog is a very technical, up-to-date place, I have decided to “shout out” and “give props to ma peeps” via the medium of text message. This is a type of short message that can be sent between mobile phones, much like a pager. IM NT RITIN LK THS THO, I DO HAV STNDRDS.

Are you ready? Then we’ll begin.

TO: KEZZIE

I am sorry to steal your (maybe your?) idea. Your dalek costume was ridiculously good.

TO: STEPH/VEN

I would buy your shower.

TO: WIFE

Yes when I was at school people actually owned pagers. As in students, not hospital doctors on call. I am old.

More another time.

“Drinking and shagging,” said the aforementioned colleague.

This must presumably be some kind of joint honours. Things were a lot simpler in my day. (I did mathematics.)

Luke: “Who’s hakuna matata? Sounds like a wookiie.”
Yoda: “Slimy yet satisfying it is, mmm?”

Here’s the thing. The last four Star Wars films have been rubbish, for various different reasons. I can’t believe anyone is thinking clearly if they are worried someone is going to ruin the magic of Hayden Christensen. Conversely, all Disney films are masterpieces on every level. Fact.

I can’t wait for Star Wars VII.

I think someone had burnt the toast and called the fire brigade out* again.

A new poster appeared listing suggested ways of using the toaster, and some dos and don’ts for safe and successful toasting. And above these bullet points sat a worrying headline. “THIS TOASTER HAS BEEN CLASSIFIED AS MEDIUM RISK.”

This is not the toaster in question. But I was fascinated by the egg attachment.

Now. As everyone knows, health and safety (like its brother political correctness before it) has gone mad**. And people who do risk assessments are easy game. But, all else aside, I must question the status of the toaster as medium risk.

Consider what else had taken place under the hospital roof that morning:

1. Three cases of open-heart surgery
2. One leg amputation following a motorcycle accident
3. Brain surgery (possibly)

and so on, and so on. You get the idea.

* being a large hospital, the fire alarm would automatically cause the fire brigade to be called out, in case you were thinking that the person in question was being needlessly cautious.
** note: I do not actually consider either of these disciplines to have gone mad, figuratively or literally.

This has yellow on it, but sadly it is not the one I am talking about.

Aikido is a funny old martial art. It is quite “meta” and attracts (a) people who have previous martial arts experience and (b) people who are a quite well-educated. Or at least it seems to.

Here is an excerpt of a recent warm-up that might give you an inkling of what I mean.

Sensei: “Okay – get into a circle… actually, there are only three of us, get into a triangle. Wrists!”

Me: “Who’d have thought there would be so much geometry in aikido?”

Sensei: “What’s the sum of the internal angles of a triangle? Hips!”

Me: “Er… 180 degrees?”

Sensei: “And do all triangles have 180 degrees in them? Knees!”

Me: “Um, no, sensei. Only in Euclidean geometry.”

Sensei: “That’s right! So does this triangle have 180? Toes!”

Me: “I suppose it has slightly more than 180?”

Sensei: “Good! Line up!”

This is presumably what they mean when they talk about keeping both mind and body active.

Not dams in distress, but pounds sterling. The best currency in the world – FACT.

Several options present themselves:

1. This is true and I didn’t know it.
2. This was true but conventional usage has warped the phrase such that the “damn” spelling is now ‘correct’ (inasmuch as there is any objective correctness to be had).
3. This isn’t true but the story has been fabricated to justify cursing aloud or in print (probably by the Victorians) by creating a plausible homophone.

I would edge towards number 3. What do you think?

If only Inspector Morse was still alive**, I could write to him and point this out. It seems odd that such an insufferable pedant (even by my standards) would not have considered this.

* superior to the TV show in that by the time you have finished the book you generally have some idea of what the crime was and who committed it, but inferior in other ways
** and not fictional

Query (from customer on train):
“Hey! Come on! It’s ridiculously busy on this train! There’s nowhere to put my baby in his pushchair! You have to provide one! What if I was in a wheelchair?!”

Incorrect response (overheard):
“No we don’t, madam. You can’t get out of a wheelchair, but you can fold up your pushchair. So do that.”

Correct response:
“I do apologise. Unfortunately, the engineering works mean that we are experiencing unusually high demand on this service. I can tell you that carriage X has the most space, where you might find a seat. Hopefully, conditions will improve at Station Y, where many people alight.”

If pushed: “Although we are not obliged to make room for pushchairs, we do our best to accommodate your needs, but as stated these are exceptional conditions.”

Come on now, it’s not difficult. If you need to, then moan about how all customers are imbeciles to your long-suffering spouse when you get home. Or start a blog. But face-to-face, you must smile and smile and be a villain.