I’m not sure if anyone is still checking in, but if so, I’m still very much alive and well! I had no intention of abandoning this blog, but somewhere over the last six months, time got away from me. Work and life became really busy in preparation for our little miracle, and I was left with no time to blog. When I was at work, I was busy preparing to be away for three months. When I got home, I was busy doing something to prepare my life for a baby (reading books, taking classes, preparing the nursery, etc.).
I’ve always wondered why infertile bloggers often stop blogging when they get pregnant. I’m sure there are different reasons, but I’m sure for a lot of them, it’s not that they wanted to stop blogging. I think a lot of us (children or not) tend to get consumed by life and put our own interests and desires on the back burner when life gets too busy. That’s basically what happened to me after December, and I regret it. There are so many thoughts and feelings I wish I had recorded and shared in this space. I can’t go backwards, so I can only try to do a better job going forward.
We are so blessed and so in love with our precious baby girl who entered this world on April 6th. She is beautiful and absolutely perfect. She will be six weeks old on Wednesday, and it’s hard to believe how quickly the time has passed. I have enjoyed every moment with her- even the difficult and frustrating moments. She is a miracle and a blessing, and I thank the Lord for her each and every day. She was well worth the wait.
I was fortunate to have a fairly textbook pregnancy. However, somewhere around week 35, my blood pressure started to escalate. My legs and feet were swelling quite a bit (a condition that was exacerbated while being seated at a desk all day). Other than being a little tired and uncomfortable, I felt fine and refused to complain because I was so grateful to be pregnant and to have made it that far. Much to the dismay of my pregnant coworkers, I was one of those pregnant women who actually loved being pregnant. In fact, after the baby was born, I was actually a little sad that I was no longer pregnant, and I missed being able to feel her inside me.
By week 37, I finally stopped working, and by week 38, I was extremely uncomfortable. When I went to the OB for my 38-week appointment, my blood presure was dangerously high, I had protein in my urine, my legs and feet were extremely swollen, and I was ready to have a baby. At that appointment, I was already dilated 3 centimeters. When my doctor saw my blood pressure, he decided it was time to do something. We were instructed to report to labor and delivery at midnight that night. I had Group.B.strep, so he wanted me to come in at midnight to start antibiotics, and he planned to induce at 6 a.m.
From there, everything moved so quickly. I rushed home to finish packing my bags and making arrangements for our animals. At 9:30 p.m., the hospital called and told us to report at 11:30 p.m. We arrived on time and were told that they no longer had a room for us. Three people who were not scheduled had walked in minutes before me. I was told that I could go home and come back in the morning or I could wait in the waiting room. Mr. B and I had no intentions of going home. We were ready to meet our little girl, so we camped out in the waiting room. After what felt like the two longest hours of my life, we were finally called back at 1:30 a.m.
Because of the wait, it was 3:00 a.m. before I was set up on monitors and the antibiotics were started. Much to my surprise, when the nurse hooked me up to the fundal monitor, she found that I was already having contractions and was already in labor! For obvious reasons, I was unable to sleep. Aside from the sheer excitement of everything, every time I moved, the fetal monitor would lose the baby’s heartbeat and the fundal monitor would lose my contractions. I sat awake from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m. and listened to the baby’s heartbeat, praying for everything to go well.
At 6:00 a.m., they started the pitocin. By this time, my contractions were already getting stronger, but I was still managing the pain. I dozed on and off between 6 a.m. and 9:30 a.m. At 9:30, my doctor came in to check me and broke my water. Labor really started to progress after that. Within an hour, I went from 4 centimeters to 7. That’s when I asked for the epidural. I had planned to get an epidural all along. I wanted to enjoy the experience, and I felt like I needed the epidural to help me do just that. I am so thankful for the epidurall! I admire women who want to and do go through natural childbirth, but it’s not for everyone, and I’m thankful I chose the medication. After the epidural, I was able to relax enough to nap for a couple of hours. Unfortunately, the epidural did slow down my progress. It took two hours to go from 7 to 9 centimeters and another two hours to go from 9 to 10. By 2:00 p.m., I started pushing, and our daughter arrived a little over an hour after I began pushing. We both survived only a little worse for the wear- me with some serious tearing and our sweet girl with a fractured clavicle. She’s fine now, but we had to keep her tightly swaddled for the first two weeks to allow her shoulder to stabilize, which created some challenges.
Because of the fractured clavicle, I had a hard time breastfeeding. For various personal reasons, I wanted very badly to breastfeed. However, every time I would position her, she would latch on great, but then she would scream out in pain. The first day my milk came in, she started rejecting the breast. I continued trying for several days, and it became more than I could emotionally handle. The pressure I was putting on myself to breastfeed was taking away some of the joy of experiencing my newborn. Mr. B and I made the difficult decision to give up breastfeeding and bottle feed. To this day, I am still emotional about it. I had several friends who had tried to prepare me for the difficulty of breastfeeding, but I was not prepared for the emotional aspect. Aside from the challenges with breastfeeding, the experience of being a new mother is everything I hoped for and more.
It is something I wish to happen for everyone who longs to have a child. My mind is never far from the many people who are still waiting for their child(ren). Mr. B and I have family members who are still pursuing treatments and adoption. I continue to pray for all of my infertile friends. I pray you will soon hold your child in your arms, however it comes to you.
I have read on many IF blogs that when you’re infertile, you will always be infertile (regardless of if, how, or when you have children). It is so true. As I was packing up my maternity clothes, I was saddened by the thought that I may never wear them again. Mr. B and I aren’t sure we want any more children, but what saddened me is that if we decide we want to have another child, once again, I won’t know if it will happen and it will be out of our control. For this reason, we’ve had a hard time deciding what to do about birth control. On the one hand, now we know that it CAN happen, and we’re not ready for it to happen again at this moment. On the other hand, I have a hard time with the thought of preventing something that we tried so hard for so long to make happen. I suppose we will do the responsible thing for us (at this point in time), and I will go back on the pill. It’s a conversation I will have with my doctor at my postpartum appointment at the end of the week. After my postpartum appointment, it will the first time in years that my life will not revolve around doctor appointments involving my reproductive system. I suppose they’ll be replaced with appointments for the wellbeing of our precious miracle. So.Worth.the.Wait!
If you’re still in the trenches, don’t give up. Whatever you have to go through, whatever you have to sacrifice, whatever it takes, fulfilling your heart’s desire for a child will be worth it.
The Big "IF" 