The End.

Posted on October 21, 2010 by thebeastwithin74

Writing that last post was hard. It seems like an age ago, yet it was only two months. I am so far away from that place now that is was hard to revisit. It’s only when you see it in black and white that you realise just how bad things were. I really can’t get over how badly I was treated, and how some men are so cold and callous. MM treated me like an animal…..a pet he could take for a walk whan he wanted to with no consience at all. How do people get that way where they don’t care about a fellow human beings feelings? I don’t think I will ever be like that, its just not in my make up. I have encountered many men since my seperation and I would say that 99% are only out for their own gain….sex. Men have this amazing ability to seperate sex and emotion at all costs. Actually, I don’t think its an amazing ability…..its lacking in something. I thought I could be like that when I split from my husband…..go out and have “fun” but I have learnt one very valuable lesson, and that is that I can’t seperate sex like that. Sex means so much more to me than “just a shag” and do you know what. I AM GLAD!!

In hindsight now, since my last night with MM and the revenge that ensued I am definatley glad I did what I did to him. For one thing, I would never have known just what a bastard he was and just how unscrupulous he really is. It really helped me to get over him. For another thing he has had a taste of what it is like to be messed about by women. I know he will never know it was me but I know. I do not believe that what goes around comes around at all. If that was the case I would be having a pretty wonderful time right now after everything I have been through. I know some bad characters who have all the luck in the world. It made me feel better to know he paid a little for his actiond to me and gave me back some self esteem.

The final end with all the fake women came a few weeks ago. He had been told that someone he knew from a wedding was Denise. Kate totally lost interest after meeting another man and that just left Trudy. My friend who “played ” her on the phone was here for our usual Wednesday night gossip and I said that I needed to end things with her as well as I was back at University the following week. She said that she really wanted to drive the dagger into his (non) heart with Trudy. We composed an email together from her.

Dear xxxx,
I haven’t been in contact because when I went to Lancaster with my husband it was to see if there was anything left in our marriage. We had a really good talk and I feel there is still something left worth fighting for. We actually had a really good time and it stirred up old feelings. I don’t think it would be right to carry on talking to you when I am trying to make a go of my marriage.
Trudy.
Ouch. Not what he would have wanted to hear. Trudy was his last hope. Now she was making a go of her marriage. It wasn’t long before I got this response……
 
Hi Trudy,

That’s fair enough.  You don’t need any distractions if you are trying to sort things out.  Good luck to you – I hope it does as you hope.

I found that when I tried that, my reasons for falling out in the first place were still there and that although it patched things up for a couple of months, after that things returned to how they were, but I guess that all people are different and I wish you luck in sorting things out.

Take care

xxxx

 

 

So there you go. If that is to be believed he is still unhappy in his marriage, but hey….we cant believe a word this idiot says. I am so glad to be free of him. Totally free of him. His life goes on, he will still cheat and lie, but that negativity is gone for me.
 
I truly, truly hope that his wife one day finds out who her husband really is and runs for the hills.
 
The End.

 carview.php?tsp=

 

 
Posted in fighting back, Married men, mistake, mistresses, overcoming adversity, revenge, sadness, Taking Stock, the other woman, Uncategorized, used | Leave a comment

The Devil Wouldn’t Recognise You

Posted on October 18, 2010 by thebeastwithin74

This song just about sums him up. His disguise is so good even the devil wouldn’t recognise him. I’m glad I did in the end,

Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You

written by Madonna, T. Mosley, J. Timberlake, N. Hills, J. Henry
Track 11, Time: 5:09
————————-
As quiet as it is tonight
You’d almost think you were safe
Your eyes are full of surprises
They cannot predict my fate

Waiting underneath the stars
There’s something you should know
The angels, they surround my heart
Telling me to let you go

Bridge:

I bet he couldn’t
I bet he couldn’t recognize
(First time:) But I played right into it
(Second time:) I still played right into it
Who am I to criticize
Somehow I’ll get through it
And you won’t even realize
Falling through your own disguise

Chorus:

It’s like over and over
You’re pushing me right down to the floor
I should just walk away
Over and over
I keep on coming back for more
I play into your fantasy
Now that it’s over
You can lie to me right through your smile
I see behind your eyes
Now I’m sober
No more intoxicating my mind
(First two times:)
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, I do
I do, I do

You almost fooled yourself this time
That all the saints be praised
You hide your sadness behind your smile
And you keep your lost heartbreaks
[Keep your lost heartbreaks]

The steps that edge along the ledge
It’s much higher than it seems
But I’ve been on that ledge before
You can’t hide yourself from me

(bridge)
(chorus)

Oh

(chorus)

Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you
Devil wouldn’t recognize you, but I do
Devil wouldn’t recognize you, but I do
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you, but I do
I do, you
Devil wouldn’t recognize you
Recognize you, but I do
Even the devil wouldn’t recognize you
I do

Posted in fighting back, Married men, mistake, mistresses, overcoming adversity, sadness, Taking Stock, the other woman, Uncategorized, used | Leave a comment

The Final Date (part two)

Posted on October 18, 2010 by thebeastwithin74

I am aware how long it has been since my last post. I have been so busy with University, there hasn’t been a minute for anything. But I need to get this story out. Here goes…..

The last time I saw MM was pretty awful for me. I was expecting to be in control, to use him as I had realised he was using me. We had met and gone to the hotel room where he had proudly shown off the shirt his wife had made him wear, thinking he was going for a night on the town with friends. He had wasted no time in having cold emotionless sex with me before we set out for the cocktail bar.

Well I was pretty stunned to say the least. The way he had treated me in that hotel room left me feeling like an unpaid prostitute….it had never been like that before. I was certainly not my usual, funny bubbly self, but neither did I let him know how I was feeling.

He ordered the first round of drinks and we sat down. It was awkward. He asked me if he had done something to upset or offend me and of course I lied. I didn’t want to upset the apple cart just yet. After a few drinks I started to relax and become my usual bubbly self with him. I can’t remember what we were talking about, but I know we were people watching and passing comment on some of the outfits!! I asked him who he found attractive in the place…who he would date, just for a laugh. He chose a slim woman with long hair and high heels and then asked me who I would chose. There was no one in there that appealed to me so I asked him what it was about the woman that he liked. He went on to tell me that he liked a woman in heels (I was wearing flats) and that she had an amazing figure. Now lets get one thing straight. I am not obese or anything but I could certainly lose a couple of stone. I said “well that doesn’t say anything for me does it” jokingly.

I shag you don’t I ?

BAM. I was stunned. Stunned that he could be so callous and cruel. I literally sat there open mouthed looking at him. He must have realised what a bastard he must have sounded because he immediatly changed.

Oh God……I’m only joking!

He put his arm around me and hugged me tightly. It was too late the damage was done. I was reeling. How could he say something so horrible. I should have just walked away at that moment and I can’t for the life of me tell you why I didn’t. I am embarrased that I didn’t. What I did do however was proceed to get very drunk. I can remember going in to the toilets and crying (such a female thing to do!) I couldn’t believe he had hurt me in that way, I thought he couldn’t hurt me again. I mean , here I was to use him, have a good time, and it was like I had gone back 100 paces and he was in control again. I literally couldn’t see it coming.

I cleaned myself up, and headed back. He had no idea that I had been upset. I sat down and turned the conversation to his wife. I askd him if he felt guilty about this night and he said no. He talked about how she had been unfaithful to him and so I just blurted out…..

All I am to you is revenge on your wife

no thats not true

Do you still love her

I suppose in some ways I do. More friendship I suppose.

Then why the hell are you doing this…..being here with me…….advertising yourself on the internet……talking to different women. If there is even a scrap of love for your wife then you should be working at it. Jees, don’t you know how precious and rare love is????? Why the fuck are you screwing round with that?????? So she cheated on you……..go to fucking counselling or something, you clearly aren’t over it. What are you going to fix by being here with me. You don’t want me. And you know it. I know it. You know I want more than this. You need to sort yourself out. She deserves more than this. I mean she cheated on you on the spur of the moment…out of passion for someone…..you…..look at what you have done, its SO much worse.

Well he wasn’t expecting that. And neither was I to be honest, it all just came out. He stared at me and said

You are a very smart girl do you  know that.

Yes I do. Too smart for you. Too smart to be fucked about with anymore. Too smart to be anyones bit on the side.

He was clearly stunned. He sat staring at me and shook his head.

Come here. He put his arm around me and kissed me.

Look….you see…..that is genuine affection. He kissed me again. I think you are right. So what do you suggest we do.

You go home tomorrow and work it out with your wife. We don’t see eachother again.

To be honest I have no recolection what happened after that only that we were sat close with his arms around me and we were kissing like a new couple. Thats alcohol for you. We walked back to the hotel holding hands just like any other happy couple. I don’t remember getting there, but when we did get in bed we kissed….just kissed for hours, passionate loving kisses that were amazing. Of course we had sex. It went on all night and when he finally fell asleep I lay there in his arms and all the feelings I had had before returned. I was depleted. He had won again.

The following morning we woke up and lay there in eachothers arms. I felt so weak. He asked me of we were going to to keep to the plan and I said yes. There was a part of me hoping that he wouldn’t say that, but of course it was the right thing. We dressed and checked out and when we got to the car park we said our goodbyes. He didn’t seem overly traumatised by the goodbye and I had my best poker face on. He thanked me for a good night and kissed me on the head. And that was it. The last time I ever saw him. I didn’t think for one moment at that point that he wouldnt get in contact with me, after all he had been so relentless before. I was so down for the next week, and was constantly checking my phone, but to  no avail.

And that is it. Full circle. When I began this blog it was the day after this night. You know the rest.

 

Posted in fighting back, Married men, mistake, mistresses, sadness, Taking Stock, the other woman, Uncategorized, used | 4 Comments

Another Planet

Posted on October 7, 2010 by thebeastwithin74

My mood had improved up untill about 5 minutes ago when I had to ring The Father Of The Children. I am in University till 6 tomorrow and as it is his week to have them at his house I have had to arrange for my eldest to go to a friends house and my youngest to go to an after school club. As he will be picking them up in their uniforms I just rang him to tell him a) where they will be and b) That I will need the uniforms washed and ready on Sunday when I pick them up. HIs response when I asked him to wash the uniforms was

erm……………………….erm……………………..I will have to see what I can do

Sorry???

I’ll see what I can do.

Well you see, I need the uniforms for Monday and as you are bringing them home on Sunday I will need them to be ready.

SILENCE

Hello????????????????

Like I said, I will have to see what I can do.

What do you mean??? You only have to throw them in the washer!!!

The washing doesn’t work like that here, erm……..

WHAT? I have no idea what you are talking about. Just wash the uniforms and send them back. Is it too bloody difficult for you????

NO……..ok I will wash the uniforms.

God, why does everything have to be so bloody hard with you. (I was getting really wound up now)

Well you should be providing them with clothes. I spent money on clothes for them last time(That was the first time he has bought them ANYTHING in almost 2 years, a t shirt each…)

Yes, and on an ordinary week I would do. But I m not sending them to school with bags of clothes for the weekend when you should have stuff for them at yours.

There then ensued a massive row about the fact that he didn’t want to wash the girls clothes, so I called him a glorified babysitter, which he basically is. He said that he shouldn’t have to do this when he gives me maintenance for them (£2.50 a week not enough for their toast at school in the morning) I was….well I won’t say enraged because I wasn’t….but I was kind of bemused…angry yes but really in a state of disbelief. He actually thinks he is in the right here. He said that he wanted to have them more to which I replied that he could have them every weekend if he wanted, and then he went on to blame the government for not giving him enough benefits to pay for the petrol to get here. Well my solution is this. A) don’t move so far away from your kids to be with a girlfriend you had known for a week, and B) GET OFF YOUR BACKSIDE AND GET A JOB YOU LAZY BASTARD. He really does live on a different planet. I told him he doesn’t know his children any more and he is rapidly losing touch, just like he has done with his first 2 children because he never put in any effort, time or money. I said that in 5 years time he will be just a distant memory, yet they will be no worse off than they are now, and put the phone down before he could. That has always been his little trick, to put the phone down and turn it off. If you can give it then take it arsehole. I haven’t had any maintenance from him since July….he said he will have to give me half on Saturday. Laugh out Loud. Half!!! My children have a crap Father and anyone who knows him would say the same. I feel sad for them in one respect, but on the other hand they have me. I am trying to be the best role model I can be. I may not be perfect….I shout sometimes….don’t have all ther pateince in the world….give them chips for tea sometimes……..but I do think I am a good enough Mum, and when I have issues like this with him it makes me vow to be even better for them.

He can live happily ever after on Planet Glorified Babysitter.carview.php?tsp=

Posted in bad father, fighting back, mistake, overcoming adversity, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Grumble

Posted on October 6, 2010 by thebeastwithin74

Today has been one of those horrible days. No reason to it, I just woke up in a bad mood and things got steadilycarview.php?tsp= worse. Negative thoughts all day haven’t helped. I seem to be taunted by happy couples everywhere. If I rated myself on my success with men since the break up of my marriage I would be in the gutter right now. Its a good job I don’t most days. Most days I feel good about myself and what I’m doing, how I m coping, but not today. Today I feel like………well, why can’t I get a happy relationship? Is it me? Why do all men seem to treat me the same? Is it them??  I’m even having a wobble about my course. It’s so damn hard and the workload is collossal. Being on my own with 2 kids and trying to do it with no support just seems too much today. Its not only that but all of the everyday mundane stuff too, like admin, appointments, kids activities…………the list goes on and on and on, I never seem to be on top. I am just a massive grump today. End of grumpy miserable post.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged grumpy | 1 Comment

The Final Date (part one)

Posted on October 5, 2010 by thebeastwithin74

 Back to the story…………….Mid August……

I had made a mistake. Collossal. There I was, feeling strong and in control, I had power over the married man. He was texting me constantly….I was making him wait. I just didn’t care. I had seen him for what he was – a filthy pathetic manipulator, and it was good to be in control of him. I was playing him like a puppet. He wanted me and I had decided to have him for one last night, let him pay for all of my cocktails, a hotel and have amazing sex to boot. I was going to walk away in control, just like a man, after using him for one final night……

It was a Friday. We had arranged to meet in a local city where he had booked a hotel, and the plan was for us to go out and have cocktails before making use of the hotel. I packed my case and have to admit to being excited. I wondered how I would feel when I saw him, it had been nearly a month.

I set off in the car and when I arrived at the car park there he was. My heart sank as soon as I saw him. My feelings of disgust were exactly the same and I really didn’t know how I was going to spend the whole night with him. It was an effort to keep the distain from my face. Still I put on my acting hat and greeted him with a smile.

Hi! (you stupid bastard, I thought to myself)

There then followed some small talk as we walked to the hotel. It had never been like this before….awkward. I wasn’t the one spilling out the conversation, the jokes as usual and he must have noticed, felt the tension as I did. I simply wasn’t prepared to make any effort with him….well, minimal effort was all he could expect from me.

We went up to the room and he took out a bottle of wine and 2 glasses. I was going to need that if I was to get through this.He began to unpack his things saying ” I’m a bit like that, I have to settle in” I lay on the bed watching.

Do you like my shirt?

erm…yes its nice

She picked it out for me. She said I had to wear a shirt if i was going out.

I felt nauseous. So casual was he with his words, and I had the image of her ironing his shirt and straightening is collar before kissing him and telling him to have a good night.

What did you tell her?

Well…almost the truth really. That I was meeting a mate in xxxxxxx and staying in a hotel. I think its best to tell a half truth, that way you aren’t really lying are you.

He chuckled. I didn’t. I felt horrible at this point. Trapped. There was no way I was walking away from this night but I was very uncomfortable, and it made me really uneasy the way it didn’t  seem bother him. I was bothered, really bothered about that god damn shirt. His flippant nature repulsed me and I couldn’t get his wife out of my head. Why did I stay? Why didn’t I run for the hills??? I honestly have no idea about that. Maybe I was hanging on, waiting for things to improve…get my night…..I don’t know, all I can tell you is that it only went down hill from there. I am embarrassed to write about the way he treated me that night. I tolerated the intolerable and it makes me feel bad about myself, weak for putting up with it.

He started to unbutton his shirt, then lay it neatly on the back of a chair. I was puzzled…what was he doing??? He then calmly undid his trousers and took them off too.

What are you doing….making yourself at home or something?

You could say that.

He was completely undressed now proudly showing off his dick as he walked over to me. I was so shocked that he could be so calm and controlled, ready for sex as if he was about to have a shave or something. I was literally stunned as he climbed on the bed and kissed me. Well I say kissed….it was hardly what you would call a kiss. There wasn’t an ounce of affection in that contact and what ensued  reflected the sentiments of that kiss. Cold hard sex. I was hyper aware of the situation, not in any way shape or form turned on, still stunned really. It didn’t last long, that horrible cold emotionless sex. It hadn’t ever been like that before and I was left feeling like a piece of rather undesirable meat. He jumped up and said

Right. Are we off out then?

OH MY GOD. What the hell had just happened? Why was I still there? What the hell had happened to me???? To this day I have no idea why I stayed and put up with that treatment. Like I say it embarrasses me to write about it. I should have kicked him into touch, but no. I dressed, straightened myself out and went out for a night of cocktails…………………………….

carview.php?tsp=

 

 

Posted in Married men, mistake, mistresses, the other woman, Uncategorized, used | 4 Comments

Sunshine After the Rain?

Posted on October 2, 2010 by thebeastwithin74

carview.php?tsp=I woke up this morning feeling utterly drained. After the meltdown last night I experienced round two which went on for another two hours. I just couldn’t get a grip. I really don’t know where it came from. My ex husband has never been supportive and has done and said much worse things than he did yesterday, but it was just a catalyst I think for everything to come out. Its scary to feel that way…..it just isn’t me, but maybe being strong and holding everything together all the time has to break occasionally. As the day wore on, I had a great time at University and had really good fun with my friends. Although I left the house at 8am and arrived home at 8pm exhausted I felt back to my old strong self. My best friend and partner in crime Aidan came to see me and all is right in the world. I laughed tonight like you wouldn’t believe – something I was a million miles away from yesterday. It may rain sometimes…….but the sun always shines eventually.carview.php?tsp=

There is some news on MM but that will have to wait for another day.

Posted in fighting back, overcoming adversity, sadness, Taking Stock | Leave a comment

Meltdown.

Posted on September 30, 2010 by thebeastwithin74

carview.php?tsp=I have just recovered from a major meltdown. Major. Like crying like a wounded animal meltdown, and its all do do with the ex husband. I had an interview today and got the job. I was so pleased as it was an hour long interview and I had to give a presentation. To begin work I have to go on a training course on Saturday. This weekend isn’t his normal weekend to have them, but I thought as a one off he could pull his weight. I asked him if he would have them and his response was….

Can’t afford it

I haven’t got any other option…they are your children too and I have to work.

I told you I can’t afford it. U cant expect me to fork out just so that you can work. You will just have to not work.

I was so stunned by this response that my blood ran cold. He only sees then once a fortnight, and as I have mentioned before he lives his luxurious life on benefits paid for by the British taxpayer. New car, huge T.V many many pets, every games console going and a music studio in the loft. I struggle to feed our children on student loans that I will have to pay back to the tune of £27,000 by the time I qualify as a teacher.I wanted this job as a means of extra income to help a little, even though it means working 6 days a week, counting the degree work I am doing. Add to that the daily grind of running a house and bringing up 2 children alone and I feel pretty exhausted. I’m not kidding you now I blew my top. Not with anger but with tears. I haven’t cried like that for a long, long time but I felt so devastated that he could be so cold and callous. I mean “fork out so you can work” … I was ENRAGED. I literally howled with angst. I know that sounds dramatic, but it was like a knife in the heart of my children to me. He literally will not consider “overtime” and wouldn’t even dream of it costing him. I felt so let down for them. I know its me he is letting down, but to not put himself out for 6 hours out of his schedule hurt me like you can’t imagine. As I was having my meltdown I noticed an inbox message on facebook. It was from a woman I met on holiday in Menorca but who lives in the next town. I had posted on my wall jokingly that I had “got the job and would anyone like to have my darlings for the day.”(My facebook is very selective by the way…..I only have people on there that are real friends or who I communicate with regularly)

If youre stuck I’ll have them for you

This just seemed to make my childrens Father even more of a bastard. Here was a woman who had known my children for a week offering to look after them and help me out, when he “couldn’t afford it” This did not help my tears one bit. I eventually calmed down and on reflection this is nothing new. He has always been a let down to his children…..this time just drove it home even deeper.

I feel calm now but the anger is still there bubbling away beneath the surface. I will just get on with it like I always do….bath the little one, help the big one with her homework and tonight when they are in bed I would very much like to curl up under a stone with my battered emotions and hope I feel better in the morning.

carview.php?tsp=

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged access, battered emotions, child maintenance, ex husband | 3 Comments

Pheonix from the flames.

Posted on September 29, 2010 by thebeastwithin74

carview.php?tsp=The past few days have been great. Really great. I am back at university and I feel like I am constantly buzzing. I mean, this is my life, my real life. I just drink up every second that I am there and the classes are amazing. I have wanted to be a teacher all of my life. When I was ready to leave school 20 years ago, I just wan’t what you would call clever enough for A levels and university…. I just wasn’t in that place. I went for what I deemed to be an attainable goal and trained to be a nursery nurse instead. I have had a good career out of it for the last 19 years, but when my last job became unbearable (my boss was a bully) I knew I had to leave. I scoured the papers and internet for jobs, but to  no avail, when all of a sudden I had the lightbulb moment. Now was the time. First I had to do an access course, really tough…3 A levels and 3 GCSE s in 9 months. I was still married at the time and we couldn’t afford it, but when this grabbed me it really grabbed me. I had my blinkers on and nothing was going to stop me. I think the wild ambition that I had was yet another nail in the coffin of my marriage. My husband was lazy, unconcerned with personal hygene and had no drive for anything. While I was doing my course I was also working, and doing all of the housework, and all of the childcare, while he would laze in bed till noon. It drove me crazy. We were arguing and fighting all the time.  Two months into the course my husband told me he was leaving (right before Christmas) and although I had wanted him to leave for the last two years it was a massive shock. I found myself swimming for my life in choppy seas and had no idea how I was going to cope. Something kicked in though…a survival mechanism…..and I found a strength from somewhere to get through the first few days. One day I would be strong as an ox, the next weak as a kitten and unable to get out of bed. I continued with my course though and didn’t miss a day. Things got even tougher when I filed for divorce and had to go through all of the legal processes. He didn’t pay me a  penny in maintenance- for my self or the children and was threatening bankrupcy. He told me he had been taking drugs and was £15,000 in debt. This posed a massive problem for me and my children as our home was in jepordy and as a student I had no way of paying the mortgage. Luckily for me I have an amazing family member who offered to pay my mortgage while I studied, and when I qualified as a teacher I would sell uip and pay him back. This was an absolute lifeline for me and my girls.Every day was a battle for survival and looking back now I honestly do not know how I got throught it. The university I really wanted was very difficult to get in and there was a rigorous application and interview process. When I was offered a place I was absolutely thrilled. This was the beginning of a new life for me. Since starting my teacher training I feel like I have come home. After all of the battles I am finally where I want to be and I am thankful for many things in my life now. I have a handful of really good friends, the sort you can phone in the middle of the night if need be, and I have lots of good mates through my uni. Friends are so important – to everyone- but when you are single I think even more so. When you are single there isn’t somebody there for you all the time, there isn’t that constant best friend who lives with you, helps with the little things and is there at the end of the day to hold you and make everything right. My friends fill that gap, as do a select few members of my family. I am lucky. I have a lot to be thankful for and I enjoy my life.  A strange post that came from nowhere, its funny what comes out when you write!

Posted in fighting back, Married men, mistake, mistresses, overcoming adversity, revenge, sadness, Taking Stock, the other woman, Uncategorized, used | Tagged friends, overcoming adversity, pheonix from the flames, single | Leave a comment

MM and the Real Me

Posted on September 26, 2010 by thebeastwithin74

Getting back to the real story seems like a task. Its not somewhere I want to revisit really but here goes…. 

After the Amazing Sex and the sporadic contact I was becoming increasingly frustrated and feeling more and more used. Oh don’t get me wrong….he fed me  enough crumbs to keep me going, and when he sent me a nice text I would be buzzing. But those times were few and far between. There was one day when I was upset and angry over something not to do with him and I snapped. I sent him a text 

I can’t do this anymore, I am worth more than this and you have nothing to offer me but the odd sleazy text. I’ ve had enough. 
are you closing the door? 
yes, its the best thing for me. 
Well if like you say..I ve got nothing to offer then thats your choice. 
Yes it is. 
ok, shame. Take care xx 

Yuck, I felt horrible. Although I knew it was for the best it was really hard to let go. I got throught he day and all I could think about was him, him, him and how much I wanted him. I was so down that night and before I knew it my fingers had a mind of their own, it was like I was possessed or something….

I know I shouldn’t be doing this and you don’t have to reply, but I can’t stop thinking about you and I wish you were here right now 

I waited for a reply but there was nothing. I woke with a heavy heart the next morning, but when I checked my phone there was a message. 

How could I not respond to that!!! Just know that I am always here if you want me, I don’t want to close the door. x 

Talk about mixed feelings!! Of course I was thrilled to hear from him but it was that feeling of running on a treadmill and getting nowhere. And thats just what it was, back on the treadmill. Same old, same old. I still felt insecure all the time, and there would be times when he didn’t text back…..oh, his phone was playing up…….he didn’t get the last text…….his phone was in the car………he was soooooooooooo busy. I asked him when we were likely to see eachother 

I could come over tonight 
erm……….I don’t think it would be worth your while………..mother nature and all that 
Damn mother nature, lol 

Not what I wanted to hear. Of course he didn’t want to come if he couldn’t have sex. I knew it and yet it still hurt me. Over the course of the week our texts were getting snappy. I wasn’t playing ball anymore and it just wasn’t fun. He was pissing me off to be frank. On the Friday I really had had enough. I sent him another text ending it, and he sent the obligatory….. are you sure….I want you…….etc etc but I swear to god I’d had enough. 

My best friend Aidan came round that night and we had a few drinks sat in the garden. It was good to offload what had happened during the day and I was showing him some of the texts that MM had sent me during the week. We slagged him off good style as you do when drunk. During one of our rants my phone beeped 

I bet thats him!!! 

No waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay will it be him!!!!! 

It was him. 

Do you know you just rang me. I heard everything. 

  

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 

Oh My God. I was absolutely wishing the ground would just open up and swallow me whole. Of course Aidan thought it was hilarious and was crying with laughter but I was horrified. For one, I couldn’t remember what we had been talking about and for two, I didn’t want him to think that I cared enough to be bitching about him with my mates. I was so embarrassed. The first thing we did was check my phone to see if it was true and how long the call had lasted. 6 minutes. 6 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good Lord. I had to text him back 

I am so sorry that that just happened, it was an accident. 

I was shouting down the phone but you obviously couldn’t hear me. God you have me on a low plateau right now. 

like I said I am so sorry. 

I heard your mate calling me a bastard. 

I don’t know what to say……it was an accident. 

The texts continued and over time they became more friendly and jokey.He told me the next day that he was going on holiday the following week. The thought of him on a family holiday was not a pleasant thought, even though he told me he was dreading it (yeah right). On the Monday I sent a text saying “have a good time,I’m sure you will.”… although it was sent with sarcasm and bitterness. I didn’t hear from him for 4 days until………… 

sorry I haven’t been in touch, no signal anywhere!! Its freezing here and I am stuck on a beach looking for crabs lol. Hows you? 

Now a strange thing had happened over the past four days. I had kind of ceased to care. I had had time out, no texts from him had given me some perspective. I was happier on my own. No rollercoster, no waiting for texts…it was better, easier not to have him in my life. I had kind of seen him for what he really was and had lost all respect for him. No signal??? What a load of utter bolloclks. I was strong enough not to text back, and although he sent me a couple more on holiday I still didn’t respond. On the Monday when I knew he was back he sent me this…………….. 

are we still talking …………..or not??? 

I decided to have a little fun with this and thought I would play him at his own game. Every time he sent me a text I would make him wait at least an hour for a response and when I did I would throw one of his own excuses right back at him…………..There was no signal…………I left my phone in the car……………I was sooooooooooooo busy. It got to the point where he rang me. He asked what was going on…he said he was the only person in the world who left his phone in the car and was I playing him at his own game? Now what he didn’t count on was that I am a pretty good actress. I know how to manipulate….I was taught by a master after all! I gave him a cock and bull story and made it sound soooooooooooo real. He bought it. He said ” I totally believe you. I can hear the truth in your voice. I’m sorry for doubting you” Ha fooking Ha! 

He started to ask when we could see eachother again. I knew it was a bad idea, but while I was so strong I thought I would meet him one last time. Let him pay for everything and have a night of amazing sex in a hotel after a night of cocktails. I was going to have sex like a man. Fuck him and walk away in the morning without so much as a second glance. Well…………..that was the plan anyway………………………. 

  

   carview.php?tsp=

Posted in fighting back, Married men, mistake, mistresses, revenge, sadness, Taking Stock, the other woman, Uncategorized, used | 1 Comment