My ATX Life

I chased a man for years believing he was so high above me

I fought for him, I did everything I coud to persuade him to be with me so that I could have my dream

My dream of a loving relationship with a man

It seemed harmless at first

We had so much fun together

Our chemistry was unprecedented

But as he pulled away each time we had all that unprecedented fun

My feelings of rejection and worthlessness only grew

My anxious attachment style reached out for him all the more

His avoidant attachment style pulled away increasingly

He wouldn’t text me back for two weeks

I was lucky if I could see him once per month

I gave up many times and dated other men 

But because of his mysterious disappearing and reappearings

He seemed like the ultimate prize

The one that got away

The one that if only he could see my worth, I could finally be safe and secure

This went on for three years

Until he finally did see my worth

We were falling in love but he continued to be mysterious and aloof

No one said I love you

No one DTR

One night I got so mad and frustrated at his hot and cold behavior and I called a former flame

I felt so guilty but my dream man never made a commitment to me or told me how he felt

I confessed my actions and he broke up with

I didn’t realize he considered us to be in a relationship

I guess it was an implied relationship

With implied faithfulness but he always maintained her air of mystery and wasn’t accountable to me

I took all responsibility

I took it like a man

I didn’t blame him or tell him that I was sick and tired of his stupid games

Leaving abruptly from dates and always making me feel like I was lucky to have his time

Mr. Old Flame came over at a moment’s notice and for a few hours made me feel like number one

Dream boy and I broke up, he moved out of state for a few months 

Meanwhile, I was shattered with a relationship loss that I didn’t even know was a relationship

I was too busy chasing and just being grateful for the crumbs he gave to me

I felt like the one that got away truly had gotten away

My life was shattered, all the hopes and dreams that I had put on this perfect man were broken 

I acted out as broken hearts tend to do

And cried when I was alone

I was all alone in my pain

We agreed to speak in three months

Always pushing me away

After the time passed, he called

I had lived a horrible three months

Things I couldn’t even describe because once again, I was just so grateful he came back

No space for me to be fully seen in our relationship

His feelings, need for space and thoughts were always at the top

I was just the sad girl chasing him because he was so worthy to be chased

We both wanted to be together so he came to visit me shortly after my birthday

As his visit drew to a close, we both agreed that we wanted to stay together

He moved in with me and my kids

He only stayed four months before he just couldn’t do it anymore

He wasn’t happy

He didn’t feel good

He just couldn’t stay another moment

I had been fired from my job

Applied for unemployment

Struggling to find a job that fit my single mother schedule

I was terrified on not being able to pay my rent

He left at this dark time

Then proceeded to spend the next three years contacting me at random asking if we could be friends

To assuage his guilt I’m certain

Until a few months ago he finally confessed his undying love for me

Asking me to give our love another chance

I wrote him a letter telling him that I would be willing to consider it

So long as he felt sure this time that we could make it work

He backed out

Again

He acknowledged that I had given him so much

And that he could not offer me the certainty I required

That was six years of my life

My grieving has entered a new phase

This phase is one of radical acceptance

Radical contentment

Radical truth

Radical self-love

I believed that he was the one who would redeem my divorced state

If we were together, I could have a family again

I would no longer have to suffer the rude questions from others

“Why are you still single?”

“How are you single?”

As if I have a nasty rash on my face that I need to explain

Acceptance is the pathway to peace

I will be facing that question for years to come

My family does not have a romantic partner

I am happily divorced

Happy that I don’t live under my ex-husband’s constant vigilance and control

But because we have kids, he still tries and sometimes succeeds

But I will be damned if I allow another toxic man to surveil and control me

I tried so hard with dream boy but God has other plans

Maybe I will stay single and feel romantic loneliness until my 107th birthday

Maybe I will never experience true romantic lasting love

Maybe it will take me another forty-five years to see my worth

Whatever my lot, He has taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul.

Because His grace is enough and His power is made perfect in my weakness. Amen.