Lost in America

This morning I had to pick up a few things at the store. On my way in I passed a table with two young men who told me they were trying to raise money for youth suicide prevention. I told them I'd think about it. On my way out I felt, as I have struggled with depression in my life, that I ought to be good and make a donation. I put a dollar in their jar. One young man thanked me and I turned to leave. As I did the items on their table caught my eye. God this and God that. People praying on their knees. I sighed and asked, "Are you really from a Christian organization?" The guy said yes. "Damn," I said. He asked if I wanted my money back. I said no. But then I asked, "Are you the type of Christians who try to make other people feel bad about themselves?" What I was really asking was are you the lunatics who think it's okay to kill doctors who perform abortions and tell gay people they're going to be damned? The young man replied, "It's not about making people feel bad about themselves. It's about helping them be right with God." That's all I needed to hear. "I think I do want my money back." And with that I took my dollar out of their jar and left. I bought a lottery ticket with it instead.

I think it's pretty sneaky to say you're raising money for suicide prevention and have no mention of the group you are affliated with. They did not have anything posted regarding their religious connection. Only if you looked closely. I thought it was shitty.

Quite frankly if God is really how those people say, a God who damns gays for being unnatural, leaves unbaptised babies in limbo, wants the conserative christian right to control the US and GW to rule the Middle East then I think I'd rather spend eternity in hell.

Ummm...does anyone else find this disturbing? Kind of makes one wonder what else those wacky kids are up to, doesn't it?

As you may or may not know I am a supporter of the United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund. This is an excerpt from an email I received today. Please visit UNICEF and consider making a donation.

UNICEF is rushing aid to the victims of the Peru earthquake and we need your help.

"Time is of the essence for the children of Peru. While the urgent search for survivors continues, it is equally urgent to provide emergency relief to the children who were affected by this devastating quake," said Caryl Stern, President and CEO, U.S. Fund for UNICEF.

Your donation will help UNICEF provide water-purification tablets, water containers, oral rehydration salts and water tanks that are so critical in the days and weeks after a disaster. Your gift will also support UNICEF's ongoing work for children in Peru.

With staff on the ground in Peru since 1948, UNICEF was ready to move into action immediately to save kids' lives. For ongoing updates about UNICEF's work in the aftermath of this disaster, please visit our Fieldnotes blog.

Thank you for your commitment to the world's children and for letting us call upon you in emergencies that require additional support. We are grateful for your dedication to this mission.

What your money can buy (US$)

$3 can buy a large wool blanket to protect children from the cold during an emergency.

$22 can buy a First Aid kit containing items such as gloves, adhesive, bandages and gauze for use during emergency situations.

$101 can provide 10 families with Basic Family Water kits for use during emergency situations.

$244 can buy an Emergency Health Kit that provides basic drugs, medical supplies, and equipment for 1,000 people for 3 months.

Well that didn't last long, did it? After more consideration I decided it was stupid to give up doing something that I like to do, just because of this person. He has taken enough from me already and I shouldn't be so willing to give more. So HA!

I spent a wonderful weekend with my two favorite sisters. Is it wrong to have favorites? I can't help it--they are just so much easier to talk to and more fun to spend time with then the others. Anyway, we really reconnected and I feel I have much more insight into my family now. It didn't hurt that all three of us were man and child-free for the weekend. No interruptions. Just girl time. Shopping, dinner, theatre, drinks....very relaxing.

It was especially interesting realizing my oldest sister and I have the same hang-ups about relationships and the same feelings about motherhood. Hearing her talk about her issues was like listening to myself talk. It was good therapy to have a mirror held up in front of me. I think I can see my own bullshit better now and recognizing your problems is the first step in the right direction, isn't it? My younger sister is so Zen and wise. After an intense conversation where I felt like she was counseling me I had to ask her, "You're younger than me. How did you get so smart?" They are both incredible women and I am so lucky to have them as family.

It's been some time since I posted on bipolar disorder and the reason behind that is there's not much crazy going on for me lately. My meds have been agreeing with me and I haven't had any dramatic or unusual highs or lows.

Well not much for a comeback post but I have a movie date with Jd.

Awhile back Um Naief did a post regarding some unusual activity in her home. She heard voices when she was alone in the house. It reminded me of events in my life...

Years ago I worked for a lovely family in their home. They were wonderful people but when you first enter their home there is such an eerie feeling. It wasn't long after I began working there that strange things began to happen. I would hear people talking upstairs when I was there alone. I would check--no tv or radio and the windows would be closed and locked. The conversation would stop as I walked up the stairs. I would see things out of the corner of my eye. One day I was feeling ill and decided to rest on the sofa. I woke up in a state of sleep paralysis, you know, when you can see and hear but are unable to move. It felt like someone was pushing on my chest. This happened several times over the span of months. I thought I was going crazy. I didn't tell anyone because I knew it sounded nuts. My best friend began to work there, and unknown to me was also having experiences. On several ocassions I would hear a rubber ball being bounced in the next room, which would also stop when I walked closer. One day it began and I called my friend and she could hear it over the phone. We finally admitted to each other what we had been experiencing. It was a relief to know it wasn't just me. Two more events really stick out in my mind. One day I was upstairs (alone in the home) and the doorbell rang. I wasn't being careful and hurried down the stairs too quickly. On the third step from the top I began to slip and fall. My heart jumped into my throat because I was very high up and the fall would definately do some damage. Just as I started to fall, something grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled me upright. I regained my balance and it was fine. I literally felt something pull on my shirt. While I appreciated the help, it freaked me out. The next incident was the last straw for me though. I was housesitting for them one night and was just falling asleep when I felt a prescence in the room. I opened my eyes and saw a very tall, dark figure wearing a hat only a few feet from the bed. It was semi-transparent and seemed to be wearing a long coat. I was not dreaming. It was not a shadow from outside or inside. It was there. It made me feel very uncomfortable, to say the least. I quit working there soon after. I never told the family about my experiences for fear of either 1. making them think I was nuts or 2. scaring them. I am still close with this family and have been in the home many times since but never alone and never at night.

Tell me your ghost stories, either here or post and let me know.

20 Ways to Maintain A Healthy Sense of Self

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time some one asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

5. At work, put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks--once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds."

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With the Prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order Is "To Go."

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because "You're not in the mood."

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run Fast, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. and the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

I am keeping a secret from you but I can hide no longer. I'm tired of sneaking around, incognito. I have become what I fear most. I drive my son to soccer in a minivan. Yes, my friends, I am now a soccer mom. However, I will be shot before I tie a cardigan around my neck. I will not scream hysterically at games. I will not have my hair cut into a trendy, sensible style. I will not gossip about Jd and other moms with the ladies. I have limits, you know. Truthfully, I fit in there as well as I do anywhere. Me with no makeup, hairstyle, tattoos, piercings and out of fashion clothes. Jd does tease me about it because he knows what dread the thought of becoming one of those clones does to me. Will not give in to peer pressure. Will not try to fit in and sacrifice self. Those women kind of scare me really. I don't understand them.

Finally something good happened in our lives--a healthy baby girl. Beautiful with dark hair and large eyes. Her mother came through it healthy. Such a relief. It's nice to have a new baby in the family. Gives me the itch to have one more....wait, scratch that thought. I can hear my daughter tormenting her brother as I type. If only they stayed small, sweet babies...

This one still makes me laugh

I haven't posted in some time. Why? They say that if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. That's what's up. This month has been horrible. I miss my Grandma so much. Somehow I feel so angry and I don't know why. I can't wait for July. This month has been awful.

Our property was vandalized the other day. It's the second time in six months. My neighborhood isn't really bad but it's not one of the nicer ones in the city. I know it was probably a random act but it feels like a personal attack. Today I hate my city.

Good question, Puppy. At certain times, yes, I am ok. Other times I am not. Death is such a strange thing. The other day I was feeling awful and lay down to rest. Out of nowhere I could smell her house, the wood floors, the incense she used to burn. It lasted for about ten minutes. It was odd and wonderful and sad. Her obituary was printed and it said she died peacefully. That isn't exactly the truth. Privately I was told she suffered greatly in her final hours. It was so bad that the family actually began to pray that she would die. It is of some comfort to find out that she was surrounded by the rest of her family and that they all had laid their hands on her as she passed away. The obituary was wrong about a few other things and failed to mention many of her loved ones (including myself) as her survivors. I don't really care though. I don't need the recognition from that. I had it from her. I am left with many wonderful memories. And many that make me laugh. Grandma told me I was her fresh-faced beauty because I never wore make-up. However, she once drove me to the drugstore and made me buy mascara, then told me I put it on incorrectly. Another of my favorites is the conversation we had when she asked if I planned to have a breast job since I nursed my kids. The day we smoked weed together and she told me she felt like she was floating. I told her that's why they call it getting high. Although I had smoked many times before she and I learned how to smoke from a bong together. She was one of a kind. I will be okay again, someday, but not yet. I'm still in shock I think. As you said, Puppy, the show must go on. She would not want me to fall to pieces. She would want for me to keep living and to enjoy every moment of it. So I'm going to try.

I lost one of my best friends today. It's strange how grief makes reality seem so unreal. It feels like time has stopped. I'm alone and I don't know what to do with my grief so I'll pour it out here. I don't want to be around anyone anyway.

You have been with me my whole life. You have been with me through girlfriends and boyfriends, heartaches and disappointments. I love you so much. Truthfully I love you more than almost anyone else. Whenever I felt like a failure, you were there to give me support and encouragement. When I felt like the world and the people around me were cold and harsh, you were there without judgement. You always treated me with kindness, love and compassion. I think I've learned more from you than from anyone else I've known. You were my teacher and my inspiration. I want to be just like you when I grow up. You were one of the finest human beings I've ever had the good fortune to know. God I hope you can hear these words. I can't stop crying but I know my tears are only for me. You suffered greatly these last few years and I'm trying to find consolation in your release from pain. Was St. Peter there with your banquet and the red carpet like you imagined? It's been raining and I think that even the sky is crying for your loss. The world has lost one of the best. I still have your incense and the smell always reminds me of being at your home. I hoped I'd be seeing you in a couple of months and we could drink our coffee and talk like we always did. Deep down I must have known because I didn't make the travel plans concrete. You were the only person who ever told me that they were proud of me. I hope I can keep making you proud. The pain is like waves. There will never be another like you. Remember when you sideswiped that mail truck? It still makes me laugh. I can't believe it was only a few weeks ago when we last spoke. The thought that I will never talk to you again breaks my heart. Will you be there for me when I die? I would love to see you again. Are you with Mike and Sam again? I hope so. I hope it is everything you hoped it would be on the other side. This is the trouble with being human and loving other people. Some day you have to say good-bye. I want you to know that you have influenced my life in such a positive direction. And I know I am not the only one. You took us in like strays and left us better off then before. I could always tell you anything. By the way, I hope you didn't keep any of the numerous letters I sent you. Especially not the last one. Those were just for you. I guess I'll never know about the one who stole your heart that you kept secret even from me. I loved every minute I spent with you. Time always went too quickly. I still love the story of when you were at the same table as Al Capone. I'm sorry that my daughter will never meet you. I'm sorry I haven't seen you in so long. I am sorry that I wasn't with you when you passed. Just the other day I was thinking that it has been such a rough year it was time for something good to happen. Guess God is one cold son of a bitch! I was planning on writing you a letter this weekend while the kids were away. You said you always loved getting them, that I was so open. Only to you. I'm going to try to stay sober and just deal with this. Really. I'm sorry but I don't think I'll make it to your party. Only you would have a party planned after your funeral. When I heard her voice I knew what had happened. I'm glad that the two of you were able to reconcile. She sounded so calm. I guess she's been expecting it. Thank you for your love, patience, kindness, advice, acceptance, warmth, strength and wisdom. I will always love you, I'll do my best to make you proud and I'll try to teach my kids all that you taught me. You were beautiful. Good bye Grandma.

Hey. I know by now you have found this blog and you know exactly who I am. It's cool. I found your blog too. Just so we are clear, I meant every word I said. I know you read my letter. You may be a stranger to me now but I know well enough that you wouldn't be able to help yourself. You read every word over and over again. Don't come whining to me about your rough life. I have no sympathy for you anymore. Get a spine and stand up straight for once in your life. Everyone has a sob story. Still love you a little bit but won't for much longer. And by the way, you don't look so good anymore. Time has not been kind and I'd be a liar if I said it didn't give me a little satisfaction. I have a few more grey hairs but am told often that I look exactly the same over time. Perhaps you have a guilty conscience? Perhaps your oh so beautiful and perfect life isn't so perfect? Perhaps she is draining the life out of you? Doesn't really matter anymore, now does it? I have serious doubts about your strength of character so it seems we will not have the chance to even out the karma. Your lack of integrity is so so sad. See you in the next life and then, you better watch your back. Kisses!

10 Simple Pleasures

1. Watching my kids sleep. Never are they as angelic as when they are unconscious.

2. Sleeping in late. Both my kids are early risers so to me sleeping late is anything past 7am.

3. My cat purring contentedly on my lap.

4. Late at night or very early in the morning when nearly all the traffic on the busy street next to our house is gone and there is quiet.

5. Pulling weeds.

6. Chocolate anything.

7. Hearing my daughter sing.

8. Hearing my son read to me.

9. Lying in bed with Jd after a long day.

10. Having my hair brushed. I find it very relaxing. My old roommate used to love to brush my hair and it would put me to sleep. Unfortunately Jd doesn't quite have gentle hairbrushing mastered so it is a pleasure I haven't had in some time.

1. The US government needs to stop ALL foreign aid. No more money to ANY country. Put all the money they spend on other countries who say how much they hate us back into the US. Last time I checked millions of our citizens are homeless, without proper health care, hungry, undereducated. F*ck foreign aid. Let us decide who and where we want our money to go. If we want to donate to private international charities or foreign governments that is our right. But it is SOOO wrong for the government to decide for us that we will support various regimes throughout the world. Ooohhh I would LOVE to see an audit and find out where the government money to foreign countries really ends up. We give away so much g*ddamn money every year there shouldn't be any hunger or disease in any of the countries we "donate" to.

2. Let's take a good hard look at the US alliance with Israel. It seems like the US is often at Israel's beck and call. Why is that? Haven't they been a recognized country for over fifty years? Isn't time they stood on their own? What good has our alliance with them brought us? Perhaps it's time to recognize that their government is often a f*cking beast. We should treat them the same as we treat any other Middle Eastern government--be suspcious, don't take their word for it and keep a safe distance. The Israeli government is what we call in my neck of the woods "slippery" and that isn't a compliment.

3. Stop pussyfooting over the illegal immigration issue. If people enter the US illegally, everyone should get the same treatment and punishment. Everyone else has to follow the rules. Why should one group of people be singled out and treated differently? If I were caught smoking marijuana I would be arrested. It's a stupid law, I don't agree with it but I would accept that I had indeed broken the law and would be punished. If people want to change the laws, fine. Do it. But until the laws are changed you have to follow the rules. What does it say to the thousands of people who wait years and go through tons of paperwork and money to get here if we let people who skip all that in without question? It says, "Screw you, dumbass. Too bad you don't live in a bordering country and can't sneak in!" The really sad thing is that many illegal aliens are treated very poorly here. They are paid next to nothing and the threat of being reported to INS is always over their heads. If they came here legally they could demand a living wage and better treatment. They would pay taxes and be entitled to better health care. The problem is they just don't want to wait their turn. Personally I don't know anyone who is in this country illegally. My best friend and her family fled the Vietnam War in Laos and were refugees for a long time before being able to immigrate here. After many years some have become citizens and the rest resident aliens. When my ancestors came to the US one hundred years ago they had to follow the rules as well. They all went through Ellis Island and did their paperwork. If I did meet an illegal alien I would not turn them in but I wouldn't be shy about my thoughts on the issue.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine Aird

RAMALLAH, West Bank - Hamas militants have suspended a TV program that featured a Mickey Mouse lookalike urging Palestinian children to fight Israel and work for global Islamic domination, the Palestinian information minister said Wednesda

Click on the link. No, really. I find it hilarious that Islamic militants even had the notion of using such an American symbol for their hate campaign. First, how uncreative are they that not even one of them could fathom a new mascot for killing and world domination? And which bright bulb on the marquee thought that a mouse would be an icon of power? I guess it just goes to show how little independant thought is used and valued. And second, what special kind of idiot thought it smart to infringe on the copyright of Walt Disney? If I recall correctly, a few years back they went after a man who painted a few Disney characters on his garage door. They took him to court and made him remove it. Did Hamas think they were stronger, more influential than Disney? It makes me laugh out loud. Nobody, and that means nobody, f*cks with Mickey Mouse.

Finally, finally, finally it seems Americans are ready to stop playing dumb and stop being swayed by fear tactics and xenophobia.

Nearly two out of three Americans -- 62 percent -- believe Bush's recent actions in Iraq show he is "stubborn and unwilling to admit his mistakes," Newsweek reported.

DUH!

My question is, will at least two out of three Americans that voted this idiot into power stop being stubborn and be willing to admit their mistake?

Everyone and their brother is still talking about the massacre in VA. It got me thinking....stuff like this happens EVERY DAY in Iraq. Dozens are killed and more wounded by bombs or execution squads. Where is the outpouring of grief for them? Why is it so much more tragic when it happens at home? I'm not trying to take away from the tragedy of so many lives lost at the university. Really. But what about those people in Iraq? Are their lives worth any less? Damn, I don't remember the last time I read the news and didn't see something about an suicide bomber blowing up people near a mosque or bodies found alongside a road or American GIs killed. Why isn't that splashed on the front page of every paper? Why isn't that the opening story on the 11 o'clock news? Am I the only one who reads the news? Am I the only American aware of what's going on overseas? Am I the only one who cares about the war? Am I the only one who remembers? On days when the big news stories revolve around spoilt celebrities or stupid reality shows I begin to think I'm the only one who remembers that there are two wars going on. Iraq is long lost and unless we refocus and reprioritize we'll lose Afghanistan too. And all the death and injury will be for sh*t. Nothing will be better. Feeling all too pessimistic today.

Gunman, 32 others killed in Va. shooting

I'll never understand what drives people to do sh*t like this. My heart goes out to the victims and their loved ones. Such a senseless, violent waste.

Hey kids. I have been underwhelmed by the response to my last post. Thanks, Mia, for commenting.

So back to the regular rants. Last week a well-known talk radio personality was fired for making a stupid comment about a basketball team. One stupid remark cost him his job and his reputation. As my dear Mia would say, WTF?

I am in no way defending what Mr. Imus said. It was a dumb thing to say. However, what the hell is happening in this country? We are supposed to have freedom of speech, as long as it is not inciting violence. People are supposed to be allowed to say the most assine things.

The man apologized. Repeatedly. But now his career is over because of this one remark. He doesn't have a history of harassing other religions or races or anyone really. How f*cking sensitive have we become? One dumb comment and your life is over? Is that really fair? Who among us has not once said something racially or religiously insensitive? The only difference is that we are not celebrities and our ignorance isn't broadcast to the world. Deep down inside we are all bigots or hypocrites in one way or another. For some of us it isn't all that deep down.

My best friend is from SE Asia and grew up ghetto. There was one incident between us that sticks in my memory. I once made a joke about her being ghetto and was stunned when she got offended. I couldn't believe it. We had been friends for a long time and never had any ugliness between us. As she looked at me with anger and hurt in her eyes I got angry too. I pointed out how many times she had teased me for being a "cracker" and "white trash". She certainly didn't have a problem laughing at me and my background. Almost immediately I could see that she got it. It was a joke, just like the many jokes she had made of me. After that we never had a problem.

Years ago my girlfriend and I were walking down the street with a mutual friend in a major US city. Three teenage boys walked past and as they did one made a VERY nasty comment regarding my girlfriend's sexuality. I was livid. This wasn't the first or the last time we dealt with anti-gay sentiment but that night I had enough. Despite the other two women I was with wanting to let it go I chased after the boys and confronted them. I said, "You have something to say about my girlfriend?" They were shaken to be called out on their bad behavior. I could see that they were afraid. Of me. Just because I had the balls to go after them. Immediately they apologized and became ever so friendly. To this day I'm still amused.

It seems to me that we are in a period when everyone has the most tender feelings and that the world is expected to never hurt them. Although I have noticed in popular culture that it is acceptable to make fun of whites, fat people, and gays, but that last one is almost out the door. People seem to expect that the world owes them and their beliefs respect. The world should never dare to step on their toes. News flash. The world doesn't owe anyone anything.

I grew up hearing dumb blonde and dumb Norweigan jokes constantly. I don't take it personally. Sometimes the jokes are funny. Sometimes they are not. But in any case I've been taught that in this country people are allowed to speak their minds, no matter how stupid their thoughts may be. If I don't like what someone says I ignore them or lay out my viewpoint. If there is something on the tv or radio that I don't like then I don't watch or listen. It's that simple.

The reality of life is that people are always going to disagree and have different ideas about what is acceptable and what is not. Your feelings are going to be hurt. Someone is going to insult you or something you care deeply about. My advice is to grow up and deal with it. You'll be lucky if you get an apology. And if you don't, so what? How does one person's ignorance diminish who you are or what you believe? It shouldn't. Move on.