I have sporadic blogging habits… and spradic housekeeping habits… No surprise that my camera will sit patiently for weeks on end, and then suddenly be a core part of my daily existance.

This month has been a douzy.  2 weeks of pure too much at work, followed by a week of vacation which culminated in Mom going to the hospital.  Back to work and new trips to cover buildings that are too far away.  Why am I being paid to drive 90 miles to go to another building?  Too much.

Yesterday morning, I was feeling the cumulative effects of too much.  For the first time in months, I was looking into the gaping maw of my recurrent depression.  This happens.  What concerned me, is that numbness that comes with depression for me was calling to me.  ‘Let the depression out and you won’t have to feel…’  It’s a temptation to allow myself to be numb and just trod through my days.

I look around me, and I’ve lost ground with my housekeeping.  I have my nest on the bed.  I get why there’s yarn on the bed, but since when is it a good idea to sleep with a skeinwinder in the bed?  Who fired the dishwasher and when is a replacement coming?  Same with the person who takes out the garbage… where is that person?

I’ve started/returned to multiple knitting projects.  Yesterday morning, I sat at the spinning wheel and spun cotton on my slowest speed.  No tv, no music.  Just the light sound of the rain and the rhythmic click of the wheel.  It was peaceful, and soothing.  But, consistent with my current trend, no amount of self-care seems to make a deposit in my energy reserves.  It’s being spent as fast as I can find it.  One week after vacation, it’s like I never had one.

There are good things going on.  They annoy me. 

Sometimes, I’m a little slower than I give myself credit for.  Early this spring, I asked the extended family which week worked best for the annual family vacation in August so I can put in for my paid time off.  There was delay in answering…

My neice and nephew had camp, my neice was invited to play goalie in a soccer league (with girls 1-2 years older than her) which required traveling, etc.  It came down to one weekend where there were no plans.  No annual extended family vacation. 

I offered to take the kids to a water park for that weekend, and again there was a delay.  Last week, I got the ok, but of course there are no reservations to be had.  A sleepover at AB’s (Aunt Betty’s) doesn’t hold the same allure as a water park, though the kids and I have had great adventures together.  Also, no response to my offer to spend a chunk of change and wisk the kids away for a weekend of fun felt like being dissed.

Here’s the slow part.  I haven’t put in for any PTO.  I’m getting cranky at work.  It’s been hard to focus on what I need to get done.  One of my workmates helped shed some light on this for me last week when she said, “Well, think about it.  I’ve been working you like a dog!  And, when’s the last time you had a vacation that wasn’t for healing from surgery?”

Huh!  The week off for surgery in May doesn’t count (and, I should have taken two).  Two days in June to go to Eugene.  A day here and there.  A couple of half days to go with Mom to appointments… oh, there it is!  The week before Christmas was my last vacation.  No flipping wonder I’m cranky at work.  Since I made this discovery last week, I’ve been trying to focus on being patient with myself and getting in some gentle self-care.  I also want to look at the calendar and find a good time to take a few days off.

Over the past couple of weekends, I’ve decluttered my bedroom.  It’s finally been turned back into a haven for relaxing.  My yarn is back in the bedroom (in anticipation of decluttering the living room).  I’m having so much fun picturing all the projects that will come from that yarn.  One of the spinning wheels is in the bedroom, too.  And my laptop.  There’s more and more good music coming out of these speakers every day.  The tv is still present, but goes days without being turned on.  I’m not quite ready to give up on weekend marathons of Deadliest Catch, though, so it stays.

OK, so it’s more like a (shabby chic) hotel suite than a bedroom right now.  All it lacks is a my little coffee maker by the sink and I’ll have all my creature comforts nested in around me.  And, (pat on back) I’m keeping it from getting cluttered again.  Yeah!  Things have definitely changed since my surgery.  I’m slowly building the reserves that make starting a load of wash or bringing a coffee mug all the way to the kitchen something that just happens when I notice it needs doing as opposed to linking it to the 49 other tasks that should be done. 

I’ve also started FlyLady (www.flylady.net) again with encouragement from G.  (Thanks!) The last time I did this, I got totally overwhelmed with “shoulds” and didn’t get much done.  This time, I’m letting things that I’m not up for flow right past me (about 80% of the emails).  When I get an email that catches my attention I go for it.  Little, tiny, random good events in my household.  And, not so much that I feel I want to quit. 

FlyLady has this concept of Blessing you home with these little acts of kindness.  My first read on that was “dorky.”  But I now find myself thinking nice thoughts about my home while I fold laundry or stand on the deck watering plants or munching on peas.  I’m starting to think about wrapping up at work so I can get home and still have an hour before I fall asleep.

I had been overwhelmed by how cluttered things had gotten, and was overwhelmed by the thought of doing all the work to undo the damage.  I was ready to throw money at the problem, then got the bill for my surgery (shortly after the bill for my plumber), so I’m delaying there. 

I find emotional security in having things nested around me.  The discoveries for right now?  In my bedroom/haven, I have all my favorite stuff around me, and it’s not cluttered.  The two don’t go hand-in-hand.  The same way I always have a little knitting project in my purse, it’s just there.  And, an elephant gets eaten one bite at a time.

It’s a little daunting to think of the areas clammoring for my attention.  I need to check that the bills are still ok on auto-pilot.  The kitchen is… neglected.  I’m interested in doing the living room, because it shouldn’t take more than 30 minutes of focused effort… but there’s lamb in the fridge to be cubed and frozen which means I need to do the kitchen.  See how that goes?  And, no, I’m not commiting to both.  If I do that, I won’t do either.

I’m still playing with the concept that things aren’t necessarily supposed to be easy.  Still not sure why I thought they were.  How many years have I been waiting for things to click so they just happen smoothly?  Too many to count.  Time to watch Finding Nemo… “Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming.”

So… here’s what I’m coming home to tonight:

Thanks for reading.  Have a great day!