The First Vision Board

* I ran into the gardening book in the library. I got it out and lent it to my father. It helped create some connection between us that I wanted to create. The book had just been purchased by the library, and I ran into it by accident.

* I realized I wanted flowers, so I bought tons of mini-roses and put them in the kitchen window and on the table. Roses make me feel prosperous and happy.

* I reached a level of competence in kung fu in which my classmates were saying “Wow!” because I was so improved and had a better idea of what I was doing. I was also very physically fit.

* My plan was to not date until Sepember. I ended up dating two guys in the summer. One was a really good experience, and the other gave me practice in graciously exiting. Ironically, one of the guys looked like Nick Canon, as I had cut out a picture of Mariah Carey and Nick for my board because Mariah just looked really physically fit and curvy in her bikini, and I didn’t want to cut him out. Whoops. That was the gracious-exit guy. And he was also quite a bit younger than me as Nick is to Mariah.

* I joined a church and went regularly. I practiced meditation regularly. Both of these were in some form on my vision board.

The Second Vision Board

In the second vision board, I focused on my life for the fall in the NYC metro area, where I was moving. I did not have a job or know where I was going to stay. I also hadn’t decided on which graduate school I was going to attend. I used Google images and Microsoft Paint to create a computer vision board (much recommended! It makes an excellent wallpaper). This vision board was an uncanny predictor for my life in the past five months.

* The view of the Manhattan skyline on my board was the one I saw outside my office window, from across the Hudson.

* The school steps I cut out looked very similar to the ones I walked up when I went to my job!

* The picture of adult students looked like my graduate classes.

* I wore a uniform very similar to one of the pictures on the board when working at my internship.

I’m very pleased with my vision boards and how they’ve helped me pay attention to the things I want and go after them. I have a detailed post on this site about how to make one if you’re interested. Your life can be created as you want it.

I got contacts two years ago, and I took my time using them. About nine months ago, I got more serious about wearing them. However, I’ve always hated things near my eyes or things touching my eyes.

So one of the hardest things for me is to take the contacts out. So far, I’ve gotten one contact stuck in my eye at least four times. I’ve managed to relax about it as now I realize that they tend to pop-out the next day, so I don’t have to envision my eye drying up or being “damaged” by a contact that just won’t come out.

At this point, I’m not wearing them every day, so I don’t have too much practice. But I’ve been learning about how the mind works and how if we think “I can’t do this” or “this will be a problem”, and we allow that thought free rein in our heads (we do not have to focus on it, we may just let it be without challenge), we create a place for the bad thought to become true.

So last night, before taking out the contacts, I started to say to myself “my contacts come out easily and quickly”. Lo and behold, “pop” “pop”, and directly to bed without worry.

Good times

Becoming Clear

1) I went through this process here: Posting.

Setting My Intents

2) I decided what I intended in the Relationship, Spiritual, Career, and Physical parts of my life. I wrote these intents on cards, beginning each intent with this phrase, “With comfort and ease, and for my highest good…” Each intent is written in present tense. If you have trouble with that, you can write, “I am in the process of v-ing…”

3) I wrote affirmations that supported my intents, for example, “I am good with money.”

4) I clarified long term goals and divided them up into steps. I wrote three goals for the week and the month on my cards.

Showing Up

5) Every morning, I read through all my cards. After I finish, I spent about ten minutes visualizing having all my intents and really experiencing the emotions and life with all my intents realized.

Warning: Changing too fast is like changing the thermostat quickly before you’ve dressed appropriately. You are likely to feel uncomfortable, or you might start self-sabotaging. Realize that when you are making changes, the opposite of everything that you want comes to stare you down. Try to make your changes a slow gradual degree by degree. Don’t get disheartened that change in some areas has resulted in you being worse off in another. YOU CAN DO IT.

Tip: In order to gain leverage on yourself for change (tip from personal development guru Tony Robbins), write a journal for yourself on how MISERABLE living the way you are is making you. This is like getting permission for someone else to do something- you have to make the case to your MIND, which sometimes has got a gosh-darn mind of its own!

In chapter three, Martha discusses how our bodies are our best compasses for finding lies in our lives and turning toward our North Stars. To start out, you can test how sensitive your body is in terms of reflecting what’s going on psychologically by using muscle testing. This is a technique used a lot in alternative medicine, so I was interested to see other applications in Martha’s book.

It’s easiest with a friend. Hold out your arm parallel to the ground. Let your friend push down the arm while you tell a serious untruth and moderately resist the push: “I am a man/woman”  “I love (something you hate)”.  Then, have your friend do teh same thing and say something that is a serious truth for you. When you tell the untruths, you should be weaker, so there should be a greater difference between how far your arm is pushed, and vice versa. Martha explains: “The more your strength varies, the more likely you are to express your essential self through your physical body.” (p. 107)

An alternative for doing this without a friend is doing some form of strength action (Martha suggests riding a bike, jogging, holding a barbell; I’ve thought of doing push-ups). If you’re a “high somatizer” and express your essential self strongly through your body, you’ll have a hard time maintaining the same level of strong performance when telling a lie.

There are a lot of exercises in this chapter that readers can use with their bodies. Martha argues that the modern world forces us to become strangers with our bodies- we are constantly fighting them in terms of eating, not sleeping enough, staying still for school, or not expressing our emotions through them.

Putting Your Mind Back in Your Body

“After about ninety seconds, I opened my eyes, stood up, and stated, in a loud and convincing tone, “I will never do that again.” (p. 114)

Why did Martha say that about her first exercise? Because she became aware of the huge amount of physical and emotional pain she was carrying (if you’ve read her memoir Leaving the Saints, you’ll have some idea of the difficult and abusive childhood events she lived through).

1. Make sure you aren’t under the effects of any chemicals (caffeine, alcohol) and aren’t affected by any untreated neurochemical imbalances. These things can fool your body compass into thinking you’re going north when you aren’t.

2. Relax, take six deep breaths. After these, keep breathing and put your attention on your breath. Keep your mind focused there and pull it back when it wanders. Do this for several minutes.

3. Start with your left big toe and put your attention there. Think of breathing in air through your big toe. Put every single bit of your attention in that toe- what does the toe feel in texture, heat, comfort? Wiggle it.

4. Move your attention slowly in a sweep through each part of your body. Describe what each part is feeling. Go especially slow through your torso with all its organs.

5. Look for parts of your body that seem numb, tight, or paralyzed. That’s where Martha suggests hidden information is stored. When you find such an area, pause and breathe into that part more. Feel the heat of your breath warming that part and allow it to become unfrozen. As you continue to breathe, pay attention to what that part of your body is feeling.

6. This last part is the warning- Martha warns that the whole activity may initially be very unpleasant- this is where the opening quotation came from. Why? Because you are finding out the messages that were hidden, and these might be intense emotional messages; furthermore, it is time to hear these messages and feel through the emotions that are there.

7. Getting to the talking part, you now should dialogue with the parts of your body that feel frozen, numb, hurt, or locked up. Take up a journal and write the question, “Thumb, what are you trying to tell me?” (p. 118) Then write down answers without censoring them, and be patient and take relaxing mindful (i.e. focus your mind on your breath) breaths and see if something comes up to write then.

This chapter is chocked full with ways to let your body do your talking. It seems like this particular exercise will be a real tough one, so we’ll stop here.

Living from a set of values is one of the recommendations for building a strong personal core. Having read that kind of recommendation in more than one place, I’ve  set out to find out how to figure out my values so that I can make sure that I live from the inside out.

Personal core values are not identical across people. They are values that describe qualities that are absolutely necessary for your integrity, your wholeness and satisfaction, as a person. With a knowledge of your values in hand, you can more easily lower the stress in your life, because you can see where you are out of step with your core beliefs. With a knowledge of your values, you can clarify your life purposes and motivations that will bring you to action. There is a clarity that should arise from knowing your personal core values that will make life effortless. I’m voting for effortlessness here, myself!

So, how can you get started? Brainstorming. First you’ll need to write down all the important things, actions, and activities in your life. Then go back and put any qualities that those things, actions, and activities are based on. Then go back and add any qualities that aren’t on your list but you think are very important for you.

Now it’s time to boil the list down to six or seven values that are the core of you. You may find that some of the values overlap, or are dependent on each other, and you can cut the values that follow naturally from the others. These six or seven are what you feel are the absolutely most important.

You know have your values list. I printed mine out in an interesting font for a wall decoration in my office.

To put the list to use in looking at your life, think of your life as a pie. Divide the pie into different pieces: family, career, social, spiritual, physical/health, and financial. Taking your list, consider each piece of the pie and your roles and actions within it. Are you acting from your personal core values in each piece of pie? Could you be expressing your values more? And very importantly, see clearly any roles that are causing you to act against or without your personal core values. Think of ways of being and actions that you could take that would allow you to live more fully from your values in each slice of your life.

The word “integrity” is bandied about a lot. In truth, what it really means is the state of being whole. That’s what the ‘integer’ part means. When what you say and what you think and what you do all match up across your life, you have integrity. You might have different personal core values than another person, and that will result with different ideas of what is living correctly. No big surprise there.

I like the idea of a wholeness that begins with a deep core.

One point I’ve come across in several places is that we create our meanings for things happening. The more I think about that, the more I believe it.

When I hear people say “Everything happens for a reason”, I kind of want to blow a raspberry. Sheesh. That’s too close to “destiny” and “fate” ridiculousness for me. I believe in Choice. Knowing we have choices and acting on choices is so uniquely human and powerful. The choices that we make everyday. The choices that allow us to wake up the next morning and turn our lives around.

I’ve been reading a little Carolyn Myss lately, something called Sacred Contacts. And one thing that Myss suggests is that we all have “contracts” about meeting certain people in our lives. One of my friends asked me about that, saying that she knew my stance on “Everything Happens for a Reason” (let’s call that EHR) is a bunch of hooey.

My first response was that I maintain the right to take what I want from something and leave the rest; in fact, I think that’s a good policy for all sources of information at all times! However, when I looked back in Myss, I saw that she writes that although we have a contract to meet, we still have a free will to choose what will happen in those meetings. A mystical conundrum. I amuse myself by also thinking what if each choice branches out into different worlds, so that those lives go on with different choices. Wouldn’t that just throw a big ol’ wrench in EHR?

Anyway, I’m not set on what I believe, but the ideas are interesting to think about. What I do believe is that we can choose to take what happens and make something good out of it, do nothing about it, or sink with it. Automatically, if we start to make something good out of it, we create a post-partum reason for something happening. So instead of EHR, we have our response to a happening creating something good. The making lemonade out of lemons result.

I’ve been listening to a little Anthony Robbins lately, and one thing he says is that we can choose to create our own definition of rejection. And when we do that, we will begin to interpret so many things differently.

His definition of rejection is that someone must tell him that there have been multiple instances of him violating his own personal codes; that’s what rejection will be for him. Nothing else. As a result, if someone turns down something, or if his wife chooses to leave him, he’s not going to get that jolt of rejection. He’ll come up with another meaning.

Robbins suggests that the fear of rejection is one of the most common fears, and it keeps people from taking actions that could change their lives.

So let’s say someone chooses to leave you and the relationship you had.

You could choose to assign the meaning that something is wrong with you and you’re not good enough. You could choose to believe that someone else was chosen or will be chosen who somehow is better than you in your ex-loved one’s eyes.

Or, instead, you could start on working in a new meaning. “Thank goodness,” you can tell yourself, “that he’s gone because now there’ s room in my life for a better relationship.”

You can assign a lot of meanings to the end of the relationship (and your mind might want to play the “sad” meaning, but hello, you are NOT your mind and you can make it do what you want), but you can tell it:

1. It’s a really good thing for me that he’s gone because now I…

– can focus on me, can find someone much more suited, can do (…) that he didn’t want to do, can find someone who likes to (…), can move to (…), don’t have to put up with (…)

2. This is a new chapter in my life starring me and supportive, loving, people

3. know he didn’t deserve me because only a person who appreciates me 100% deserves to be with me

I was recently at a talk by a minister, and she told us the meaning she assigned to her divorce. Her marriage wasn’t good. After her marriage ended, she was close to broke. She spent a lot more time in the church, and she went on to become a minister.  She started a church, and it became wildly successful. She went on to have an on-air ministry in the 80s. People were so interested in hearing her talk and getting her books and videos, that they showered her with monetary thanks, and eventually “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” wanted her on their show.

What did she say about her divorce? “Thank goodness I got divorced because I had more time to spend in church.”

Perhaps you agree that we can create meanings. But, you argue, your mind won’t shut up. It keeps telling you that you’re not good enough, and that’s why you were abandoned.

First of all, remember that abandonment is also a created meaning when you are talking about adults. I mean, the idea of abandonment is that someone who is responsible for taking care of someone else goes and endangers the survival of the dependent creature life behind.  Adults have the resources to take care of themselves. You don’t need to wait for the bottle. And OK, maybe some people had partners who fostered dependence and then left- the partner left behind can still regain independence. And that starts with thinking a new way.

If someone goes elsewhere and isn’t with you anymore, you have the choice to label the move “a saving grace”, “a lucky break”, “a good lesson” or “one of the best things that ever happened” !

You also have to get behind this belief . This is another belief that I feel is true- YOU are not your mind. Your mind is the tool that belongs to you. Some East Indian sages have used the metaphor of the mahout and the elephant. You are the mahout. The elephant is your mind. If you ride your elephant through the market, it might want to pick up everything around it! You need to get control of it. How?

Sing your mind a new song. Basically, continually tell your mind your new story over and over again. Write it down on cards. Read the card over and over until you have it memorized. Recite it over and over in the car. That may be what it takes. You are reprogramming by doing consciously what your mind does to itself anyway, usually with thoughts that are not of your conscious choosing.

You can do it. You CAN.

I haven’t had a good Valentine’s Day for a couple years now; my last boyfriend’s father died on a Valentine’s Day, and his particular religion in his area of the world commemorates the day someone dies. It was a bit of a bummer, but I didn’t mind not making a big deal out of the holiday- he did the important things every day of the year. Maybe I would have just liked a card though…

But it’s so very very true. Valentine’s Day as a single day out of the year isn’t such a big deal if you have a partnership where your partner treats you well and makes you one of the most important things in his world.

I have to wince a lot when some of the things that are considered romantic are paraded past my eyes on television or in the movies or in absurd TV commercials. Rose petals strewn on the floor. Protestations of undying love. Wining and dining.

But honestly, how do people who act this way on Valentine’s Day or some other “romantic” day act the rest of the year?

Sorry, but I remember being held for hours when I was upset. Heck, I remember just being held a lot, and it was great.

I remember him making friends with my dog when dogs were the last thing he ever wanted around him. I remember him being able to read my face in seconds. I remember affection that came from the heart. Forget the card. I had so much better than paper.

Romance to me is a great conversation with such a good connection between the both of us that the conversation flows and we each reveal our inner thoughts. It’s listening to his voice and immediately knowing his mood and that there’s something wrong or something really right, and then asking what is going on and hearing about his life. 

When I see the question, “What do you think is more romantic…” followed by a series of options like, “A candlelit dinner”, “An evening walk on the shore”, etc., my thought is always, it really depends who I’m with and how we are together.

And within this definition of romance, a kind of romance can even be had with a friend. Kind of like Oprah Winfrey and her Gail- straight as arrows but thick as thieves.

The definition of “romantic” in terms of music fits my kind of interpretation of romance best:

” of or pertaining to a musical style characteristic chiefly of the 19th century and marked by the free expression of imagination and emotion, virtuosic display, experimentation with form, and the adventurous development of orchestral and piano music and opera” (my italics, Dictionary.com)

If there’s a really great connection between people, I think that no matter what people are doing, that it can be romantic. Romantic to me means intimacy of the mind. And in Chinese, the word for mind and heart is the same, “xin” 心. That’s the kind of mind I mean. The kind of mind that is really located in your gut and fueled by your heart.

So, it’s probably time to take Valentine’s Day away from the millionaires. He would prefer it that way.

It seems that St. Valentine, in fact, had absolutely nothing to do with romantic love or marriage or hearts and flowers.

Word is that he may have healed the blind daughter of his jailor before he was martyred. He (one of the St. Valentines, according to the Catholic Church there were quite a few) may have been martyred because he tried to convert an empereror and failed.

So perhaps on Valentine’s Day, instead of trying to book a seat at a crowded restaurant or get an overpriced bouqet of flowers or exotic lingerie or a fancy watch…perhaps we should look to our spirituality and offer what healing we can to those in need of it on this day.

Those are probably the actions that a day St. Valentine would favor would have at the heart.

References

romantic. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved February 13, 2009, from Dictionary.com website: https://dictionary.reference.com/browse/romantic

I picked pictures out of spirituality, not planning specifically on that, and in fact I picked quite a few of them out. In fact, there ended up being five. One is a person meditating, and that has continued to be a practice in my life. I’m not going to say that it started me meditating, in fact, I think the meditating helped give me power to do the vision board. Another picture in the spirituality group is a cover for a book on Prayer. Since the vision board was created, I started attending a worship service, and I’ve learned to do regular prayer in their mode. (It is a CRS church, in case you’re curious.)

At the top of my board, I had placed a picture of some delicious looking food and a bowl of rice. I needed to start eating healthier and taking care of myself in that way, and although I still need work in that area, I am doing better.

Right under the bowl of rice is a grouping of flowers. The week of the board’s inception, I ended up starting my new collection of mini-roses for the kitchen window. I really do love mini-roses and find myself getting them in all colors…now if I can just study up (need to do it) on how to keep them in bloom! I also cut out on picture of a book called “Gardening at the Dragon’s Gate”. It has a really interesting, perhaps dragon-looking alien plant on the front. I don’t know why, but I cut it out. I found that book by accident in the library last week. We’ll see what’s in it later this week…

One last thing on my vision board that has appeared so far is my Kung Fu Panda picture. I have finally had a “click” go on in my kung fu practice. Things flow. I learned a new and more difficult form, and I learned it fast enough to surprise my master. My kicks are higher. My split is closer. I actually feel as if I could defend myself more.  And there has been a great change in how well I can balance myself on one foot.

Now, there are three more areas of interest on my board which have not been manifested, although I have made small movements toward them. One is two pictures of dogs. I would love to get a dog; but I can’t make the commitment to take care of it at this point. We shall see.

I really recommend making a vision board to everyone. It’s fun and it works as a tool for personal fulfillment.

On the left side

This is an incredibly powerful concept in Martha’s book. So let me give you the concept:

Clients constantly tell Martha what they can’t do, and they evoke this mysterious “Everybody” as a reason that they can’t quit their jobs, break up with their significant others, wear Birkenstocks, etc.

“In fact,” Martha writes, “everybody’s Everybody is composed of just a few key people.” (p 60). It’s the humaness we have, that primate spirit of wanting to belong to the band (and I mean monkey band, not the Monkees), which makes us want to go along with the group and fit the heck in. Psychologists have a term for it, the “generalized other”.

How powerful is it? In a nutshell-

“No matter how deeply your essential self longs to find the real love, the real mission, the real meaning of your life, your social self will not let you embrace those things as long as Everybody disapproves. The social self isn’t opposed to your reaching your North Star, per se; it just won’t allow you to proceed toward it until you get Everybody’s permission. Actually, the social self would prefer that you don’t do anything, anything at all, until Everybody kneels down and begs you to do it” (p 60).

A central challenge with starting to do things your Essential Self wants to do is that the Social Self calls Everybody into play, and many or most of the things the Essential Self wants to do are disapproved of by Everybody.

What’s the answer to the challenge? You change your Everybody to people who are extreme encouragers. First you need to find out who the heck your Everybody is.

The Exercise

First you finish these sentences: “People judge me because…Everyone loves it when I…When I do well, people feel…Nobody will let me…Everybody always tells me to…People just can’t accept the fact that I…When I fail, everyone thinks…Nobody cares when I…Society keeps telling me I have to…Everybody expects me to…”. Then you list six people who genuinely and sincerely match up to those sentences.

Martha suggests it is hard to get more than three individuals for that last step. And that small group of individuals is what your subconscious has used to create that generalized other.

“An important point about your Everybody list is that it’s probably made up partly of loved ones and partly of hated ones. Yes, it’s true: Every single day, you hand over control of your life to the very people you most dislike. This irony is almost universal. Especially when you’re striking out in a new direction, feeling a bit scared and vulnerable, the voice of Everybody begins to sound just like the most demanding, rigid, narrow-minded, and, frankly, stupid people you know. Why? Because the social self is programmed to avoid danger, and nasty people are far more dangerous than the loving, accepting folks in your universe” (p 66).

Following this exercise, Martha goes on (assuming, I think rightly, that a lot of family members end up in Everybody) to stress that many people think that Everybody is just like their families of origin. Who may be different levels of wacky, different levels of healthy, and different levels of holding on to a past picture of who you are based on who you used to be. She reminds us, “Listen carefully: Your family of origin does not know how to get you to your North Star. They didn’t when you were little, they don’t now, and they never will. It isn’t their job” (p 70).

So ignore the “Are you thinking of doing THAT?” “You can’t do that!” “I’m glad you like that, but don’t you think you should spend more time doing the other?”

Another powerful source of Everybody is the media. Media ‘ideals’ Martha stresses, are the exception rather than the rule, and they are a poor measuring stick for value. In addition to the media, Martha mentions another large source of Everybody power, which is the early ideological training that people get. “…I have noticed,” she writes, “that clients who were raised with religious or political devotion to poverty, suffering, and celibacy tend to feel a lot of resistance from Everybody when they later decide they want wealth, happiness, and romance” (p71). Schools, peers, and organizations also contribute to the Everybodies that people carry inside.

Is your Social Self moving you toward or away from your North Star? Check with your heart to note your direction…

Do you believe…1) you’re a natural born winner? 2) the world is full of people who want to be your friends? 3) that you’ll always have plenty of money? 4) that you deserve a life of joy and fulfillment? 5) that you’re physically beautiful and always will be? 6) that you can be wildly successful career-wise? 7) that you have an incredibly capable and great brain? 8) that you’re just plain loveable the way you are? 9) that you are creative to a high level? and 10) THAT WHAT YOU DREAM IS NOW IN THE PROCESS OF COMING TRUE? (p 76).

Take it Martha-

“I believe that all ten of these statements can, and should, be true for every single person on this planet so I’ll be blunt: If you marked “don’t believe” on any of the self-image statements, your generalized other is lying” (p 76).

Now let’s replace the old Everybody with a new Everybody that supports our Essential Selves.

In Chapter 6 “Getting Everybody On Your Side”, Martha tells us how to do just that by identifying people who approve of our new directions and favor our dreams. Take the exercise from chapter size with the ten questions. Take a paper and draw a line vertically down the middle. Now, look at the first question, and try to write down five people on the left side that told you that it WASN’T true that the world is full of people who want to be your friends. On the right side, try to write down five people who told you it WAS true that the world is full of people who want to be your friends. Then proceed down the numbers.

Now take your list, and look at the names on the left side. Martha wants you to think of how you feel when you look at them- not what you think about their opinions, but what you think about THE PEOPLE. And then considering both columns, which people do you like and respect more? Which people have happier, more fulfilling lives, stable relationships? If you had to have a baby of your raised by people, which column would you choose? (p 88)

“Most people find that the folks on the left are living in the grip of their own highly critical Everybodies. They’re often people whose personal dreams have been dashed, or who see themselves as victims, or who are so frightened of life that they project their timidity onto everyone around them. Not infrequently, your left-hand list will include really destructive people whose essential selves have all but vanished, leaving pod beings who rarely even bother to do a reasonable imitation of actual humans.” (p 89)

Getting to Changing Everybody

1) Create a positive feedback list that you put all over and reread. List everything you remember people telling you. You can also write a list of anything positive people in the right hand side said about you, and all your small, medium, and large accomplishements. The idea is to make up for an accumulation over years of negative commentary.

2) “Display pictures and mementos of people who believe in you. Do not display pictures of people who attack your true self.” (p 93)

A relatively new friend of mine (one year) who’s in my right hand column sent me a picture card for Christmas. I feel an actual happy thrill when I look at this picture. My plan is to use Microsoft Paint to put together a big composite of my new Everybodies and then sent it to Snapfish to make a big photo.

Martha suggests that readers sweep through their houses and take down and “bury” photos and mementos from their left-hand column Everybodies.

3) Write an autobiography. Then write it again with yourself as a helpless victim (she suggests this gets it out of your system). Then write it as a humorous story. Finally write it as a hero’s saga.

The underlying idea here is to shake your story up. And Martha argues that as soon as you believe in your potential for success, you will be able to start becoming successful.

4) Be picky about the media you expose yourself to. In short, read/watch things that support your Essential Self and help you feel good, and don’t read/watch things that do the opposite.

5) Get third party straight-shooter opinions on your left-hand column Everybody representatives.  This helps you better replace them! Martha suggests three different people or groups of people who are unrelated so you get different points of view. And make sure these people realize you want very honest opinions (while not reacting defensively).

6) “Hang with Your Tribe”: Where is your time? Give your time to the supportive encouraging people and limit and/or stop spending time with people who do not support you.

So that’s the story. This is a huge unconscious force which moves us all. And we can harness it for our own best good. The “old” Everybody will rear its head as you change your life, but you can use Martha’s techniques to wack it down again. You need to because “Despite our individualistic culture’s pretense that we can all build our dreams by our little lonesomes, the truth is that we must have social support to do something as audacious as finding our own North Star” (p 103).

Begin your audaciousliciousness by giving your old Everybody a boot and welcoming in your encouraging Everybody.

We’ve finished the chapter on how to know our Essential Self is saying no- so it’s time to move on to how it says yes.  Martha Beck tells readers of this chapter that they may be brightened and cheered by this activity, or they may have trouble. “These exercises require you to look back on experiences where your essential self said “Yes!” Some people literally can’t remember any such experiences. Others can, but don’t want to”  (p 41). The reason? Because when you’re in a difficult place, thinking of good things may hurt. She suggests to read through the chapter and don’t push yourself if you find it painful.

Martha starts the chapter by talking about her choice of an undergraduate major. She majored in Chinese, but the truth was she really wanted to major in Visual Arts. But that just wasn’t cool and her social self made her slog through the Chinese major. “I do believe that if I’d chosen art as my major, the next few years would have been more enjoyable, more fulfilling, and easier…I’m basing this conjecture on experiences I’ve had since: both the times that I ignored my essential self shouting “Yes!” and the times I listened to it” (p 40).

So let’s get to the exercise. Similar to saying “no” , you’re going to come up with lists in categories, and then finally put things together into a YES! scenario.

1) Category: Activities that give you an energy surge. Consider times of “considerable peppiness” (p 43). List three energy-inducing people, places, or things.

2) Category: Times at which your health was BETTER than usual. (Martha tells an interesting story about Katherine, who was diagnosed with terminal bone cancer. She picked up and moved to a beautiful town because she had nothing to lose, and ended up getting a new job and making friends. Ten years later she is healthy and in a new life.) Another aspect to think about for this category is times when you got hurt but it didn’t affect you much or should have gotten sick because you were pushing yourself but didn’t. List three times.

3) Category: Supermemory. What kind of information do you have the best memory for? Martha gives examples of popular song lyrics, calorie counts, names of people, celebrity gossip, cartoon episodes… List three categories of super-memory ifnormation.

4) Category: Losing track of time. List three activities that make you forget what time it is.

5) Category: People who make you feel socially adept, relaxed, and confident. Martha reminds us that our Essential Self signals liking someone with two signs: relaxation and empathy. Comfort in our own skins and a feeling of mutual understanding. List three people.

6) Category: Magnetic Attraction. In this category you’re going to think of people, places, and things that drew you in like super magnets. This is not a feeling that you’re going toward your North Star, it”s an intense chemical attraction that wipes your mind for a while. “For exampe, when you’re looking at something you find intensely appealing, your pupils dilate and your rate of blinking drops, as though your eyes are tyring to take in more of what you’re seeing. Your pulse rate may quicken, but instead of panic you’ll feel a flood of euphoria and desire” (p 50).  Martha reminds us that if this happens with people, it isn’t the same as a relationship and burns bright and hot and disappears. She also talks about things other than people that cause ‘urges to merge” such as playing an instrucment, making something, collecting something- and her own, playing with interior housepaint. “I myself often feel the Urge to Merge in regard to (this is true) interior house paint. My essential self has bizarrely powerful reactions to color, and when I look over a bunch of paint strips, picking out the right shade for this or that wall, I can feel my eyeballs start to twirl like a dazzled cartoon character’s” (p 51). List three times when you felt strangely drawn to a person, place, or thing.

7) Category: Wonderful mood. List three times you felt remarkably cheerful, especially if these moods seem due to something that is unaccountable to others. “By noticing these good moods and pursuing the activities that produce them, you reconnect yourself with the navigational instruments that lead to your true path” (p 54).

So, at this point, Martha points out that reconnection to positive feelings may scare us, as our Essential Selves suddenly realize that we need “major life remodeling”. Don’t worry, she says, “You don’t have to do one single thing right now except reconnect your social and essential selves. The revolution will not begin until you give the go-ahead, and you’ll do that when you’re damn good and ready” (p 55).

Putting It All Together

It’s time for the best-case scenario!

“It’s an incredibly beautiful day. The air is clear, the scenery dazzling, and you’re setting out to do”… (#1- the most high energy activity) with (#2- your fave person)…”You’ve got no other responsibilities, no immediate deadlines, and no major problems weighing you down. You feel great, even better than you did back when you were”…(3- your most positive association best health situation) “In fact, you’re in the best physical shape of your life: strong, lean, robust, and full of energy. You’re having a great conversation about”…(4- the information you like the most & remember well) “when a message arrives for you. It’s a letter from the president, saying that you have been chosen to recieve a lifetime of financial support for doing”… (5- most absorbing activity) This will require you to spend a lot of time with”…(6- most positive urge to merge item) “You feel just the way you did when”… (7- your happiest mood setting) “only more so. Lie back for a minute, take in the scenery, and enjoy knowing that this is basically how you’re going to spend the rest of your life” (p57).

So you’ve got the scenario- read it over and visualize it. As you’re doing that, notice how it feels inside your body. Martha writes, “Many people experience their true path not as something that happens to them but as the simultaneous loss of self and complete connection to the universe” (p 57).

So, feel it inside of you- and realize that this is your YES.

“Believe it or not, this sensation- not pain, not self-sacrifice, not stoic numbness- is the surest indicator that you’re on the path that will lead you to fulfilling relationships, a productive career, and the best possible effect you can have on the world. Keep turning toward it as best you can, and eventually you’ll find yourself headed due north” (p 58).

Best wishes on your journey!