Go, girl. I must admit, I don’t camp. Not into bugs, bears or sleeping in dirt. I like a potty to pee in. Go, girl, however, is trying to convince me, and other bourgeois bitches like myself, that lack of a loo isn’t enough of a reason to avoid camping. Its basically a pee funnel for ladies. Yea, I never thought I’d write pee funnel either.

Baby its cold outside. Fellas, this one is for you. Does you ever get a chilly willy? When a warm vagina isn’t readily available, say, when you are out in public or visiting your mom, do you eve think, “Golly, I wish i had a sweater for my penis.”? I imagine none of you think that, however at the off chance that you do- ebay has a product for you: the Willy Warmer. Its a sweater for your penis. It just sounds itchy to me. Oh, and did I mention its also a thong? Just no.

Erection Detection. Boy- do you ever wonder of you’re “hard enough”? Girls- are you ever unsure if he’s erect? For you sexual retards (and i say that with love), comes the Erectile Quality Monitor. Apparently, fellas stick their wangs in this machine, and various colored lights illuminate, indicating your erection status. Kinda like a mood ring for dicks.

Joy Dick. Dick often brings me joy; the owner of said dick may piss me of, but that’s a whole ‘nother blog. See, that’s not specifically what this is about. This is for the masturbatory gamers out there. Have you ever been playing Super Mario Brothers, or whatever it is you kids play these days, and thought, I feel like jacking off? Thanks to this device, you can. It turns your penis into a joystick.

Okay, okay, so I sorta of deceived you. These toys are all hella wack, but fascinating in a sick way and, well… I personally found them funny as hell, so I had to share. May you never ever need or desire any of these odd contraptions because you have found a real warm body who treats you and your privates like gold. I wish you all Blue light erections, so wrap it up before you stab it up so your privates bots stay ready for fun play for years to cum.

Same freak, new spot. But I’m sayin’, its always fun to find new spots. Its been awhile so I know I should ply you with sweet talk, beg your forgiveness for leaving you so abruptly,  but lets skip the niceties and just get right down to it, like I showed up at your door buck nekkid under a trench coat with a bottle of Henny in one hand and handcuffs in the other. I know how you like it baby.

Hope sex. No darlings, not hoping for sex, but actual Obama inspired hope sex. Its being reported that people are so swept up in Obama euphoria, that sex is on the rise. From election night sex, to inauguration night sex, to waiting for the bailout sex, Barack makes people feel good, and when they feel  good, thy want to get naked and be felt up real good. Sadly, I have not engaged specifically, in Hope Sex. Have any of you?

Masturbation help. Fellas, does the texture and feel of your own hand get old? Do you hate cleaning up after yourself? The Japanese have come up with this egg-cellent new device that will solve all your self love problems. The Tenga egg. Its a stretchable, silicone egg, textured on the inside an it comes with its own lube. Just fill the egg with the lube, and stroke away. When your done, just toss — you know what, the video above explains it much better than I ever could. If you are alone this Valentine’s Day, why not make an eggscellent new friend?

Companionship is a good thing. This latest study reveals that female companionship extends the sex lives of male mice. While none of my dear readers are mice, you may take note and appreciate the lady who puts up with your fuckery. Learn to love the one you’re with, you’ll live longer.

Who needs a bailout? There’s a recession people! Its real. My hella fly homie and I made a pact to increase our earning by 10K this year, and perhaps we need to take a cue from this 4th grade teacher in Ohio. Apparently this lady was trying to supplement her income by dabbling in the “oldest profession.”  Where she went wrong: (aside from it being illegal and her getting caught I mean), she tried to do it on school time. While her class was napping or coloring or doing whatever 4th graders do, she was not only using her school computer to find herself a customer, but running out to meet with the customer. We’ll call this a multi task fail.

Enjoy this upcoming weekend of love, even though its a bullshit holiday. If you have someone special, be nice to them. If you don’t be nice to yourself.  A teddy bear and box of chocolates doesn’t mean someone loves you, taking and passing an STD test together does, so wrap it up before you stab it up and I’ll see you back here next week for more freaky tales.

You can catch me there a few times a week, and I’ll still be updating here as well (as much as I can) … but check us out at Alumnah, we got some great things cooking over there.

Oh.. and click the ads when you’re there. Our bank accounts will thank you.

Its Holiday time! Are you ready to spend all your money? Are you one of the fools who waited in line to go shopping at 5:00am on Black Friday instead of using a day off for its true purpose (FYI that would be sleeping late and getting laid)? Are you eagerly waiting Oprah’s latest favorites things episodes so you can feel poor and unworthy because you can’t buy your mom the $8,990 cashmere Teflon baking mitts?

Have no fear- we here at Southern Comfort don’t believe in spending a lot of money on the people we love (our friendship is enough) so we’ve put together a handy gift guide for all the important people in your life. Not only will this make you’re shopping much easier- it’s cheaper, more fun and allow you to save time to A) sleep late, B) get laid & C) waste time on the internet.

Grandma- Does your grandma have a little hood in her? Does she also cook? If you have answered yes to these questions, than “Season Shot” is the gift for the lady who brought one of your parents into the world, ultimately allowing for you to be here. Season Shot aka “Our ammo has flavor” is flavored shotgun pellets that you can use while hunting for your next meal. Instead of being made of actual pellets, they are Cajon, Lemon Pepper, Garlic, Teriyaki or Honey Mustard pellets that will allow your bird to go from the hunting field to the kitchen in one easy step. I would also imagine that if you were too busy to marinate, you could also just shoot the thawed chicken you bought at the market to the same effect.

Now seriously- the grandma’s I know are into pictures of their grandbabies. Go cop a nice picture frame and actually put a picture of yourself in. Nothing bigger than 8 x 10, and for god sakes not poster size prints. She doesn’t love you THAT much.

Grandpa- Viagra. Astroglide. Ambien. (The last two are really for grandma) Take grandma to lunch to he can have the house to himself for the afternoon.

Mom- Here’s where you splurge. Mom made you. She raised you. Wiped your snotty ass nose and put up worth your stank ass attitude. Nice perfume (not that stink ass drug store shit), a nice purse (not from the bootleg lady) or a gift certificate to her hair & nail salon. Mom deserves it. For a good deal check on real stuff, check out bluefly.com.

Dad- For those pops who have actually stuck around, they too deserve something nice. But not too personal. Go for a monogrammed money clip. Or a monogrammed gun. Or a nice watch. Or a lap dance.

Boyfriend- A big box of condoms goes a long way. Literally. Turn it into a game- how quick can we use these up? If ya’ll been together a minute and you want to up it a bit, show SOME effort, buy him a digital camera, and let him take a picture or two of you in something similar to naked. Just make sure your face isn’t in the pic- when ya’ll break up, if you can’t get the memory card back, at least it won’t be TOTALLY obvious it’s you in all your slutatious glory.

Girlfriend- Fellas, some girls are kind of sappy and some girls are kind of gold diggers. The holidays bring out the worst in these chicks because she and her gossipy friends are sitting at the mall and becoming hypnotized by jewelry stores and leather purses. Fight the power -do not buy either of these items unless you want to receive permanent mark on your player card. If you give in now- that bitch’ll own you. Don’t do it! While your copping that picture frame for grandma, cop her one two, but this time go for the 8×10 and put in a picture of the two of you. If you really feel you need to put in extra work- grab a 4×6 frame that says something about “love” or is red in color and put another picture of you in it- this one she can put on her desk at work so the gossiping bitches at her offices can talk about you.

Sister- If she’s younger than you, she’s probably extra sassy, knows all the words to Chris Brown, can do the Souljah Boy Crank That and wants to be like Beyonce. If she’s older than you, she’s probably extra sassy, knows all the words to Chris Brown, can do the Souljah Boy Crank That and wants to be like Beyonce. Celebrate her sassiness and cop her an Ediboo Tee. They come in a variety of styles (we at SC particularly love this, this and this one) and colors and are cute and affordable. Fuck Roc-a-Wear, Baby Phat and Dereon—support an entrepreneurial Black man and cop an Ediboo Tee!

Brother- Younger or older, buy him condoms (no ayo, this is endorsing safe sex) and a bottle of liquor. If you play it right, he’ll share the bottle with you, so it’ll be an even better deal.

Share your ideas below for having an economical, yet fun Holiday season.

PS- Product testing is for blogs with budgets- take this advice with a shotgun pellet of salt.

Unless you have been living under a rock, boycott consumerism or are fortunate enough to reside in a country that doesn’t begin preparing to celebrate the capitalistic holiday season in September, you are well aware that Christmas is indeed coming.

To some this means family togetherness, something about Christ and frankincense and myrrh. To some this means nothing because Christmas s essentially a Christian holiday and many many many people in the world do not follow that faith despite what the Bush administration would like to believe. To yet others- a pagan ritual (c) landLORD. To the vast majority, however, the Christmas season just means mass consumption. A lot of food. A lot of money (or debt).

In Australia, Christmas is taking on a whole ‘nother meaning. In the land down under, Christmas’ most venerable figure- Santa himself- is under attack. No longer is he just a fat guy who sneaks into your houses and eats your cookies. There are certain Santa hating faction that are intent on making St Nick out to be a chauvinistic pig who calls women hos.

That’s right… the jolly cheer of “Ho Ho Ho” is being called offensive to women. Australian Santa’s are being asked to stop saying “ho” and start saying “Ha Ha Ha” in this case of political correctness gone horribly, horribly, dreadfully, grotesquely awry. People! This is Santa we’re frigging talking about. Not Don Imus. Not Snoop. Not even my gardener looking for tools. Santa. A made up figure who brings joy to boys and girls by making their parents seem second best. Are we really that far gone as a society to pretend a fat old guy in a red suit who flies around once a year giving presents to “nice” kids is offensive and demeaning to women?

Let Santa live. Or rather, in the immortal words of Havoc… Let a ho be a ho.

PS. Im back motherfuckers…..

The old adage states money can’t buy you happiness. Those of us on the lower end of the economic spectrum like to joke that we’d be willing to sacrifice ourselves in the name of science to test whether or not that theory is actually fact or jus a tool that the haves use to make the rest f us feel better as we struggle to make ends meet and pay bills while they take the elevator up to the private movie theater in their 4 story condo.

Daily, nee hourly, we tune into the lives of celebrities and the rest of the haves via blog and their own chosen artistic mediums, we observe the flaunting of their wealth, the celebration of their materialism. We witness them take every single benefit of wealth and fame and regard it with disdain and disinterest. Lately we’ve watched a vast majority of them literally throw it all away and in some cases hide behind an adopted guise of victimhood in an attempt to justify their actions.

T.I. may be getting the most attention, but he’s joining a growing line of Hip Hop cats who are (allegedly) taking some ridunculous risks considering all they have to lose. Foxy Brown could have had it all, and many claim she did. Cosigned as a teenager by none other than Jay Hova, one would think she should have parlayed that early success into a real career, not just three uneven albums, rumors of pregnancy and suicide and a history of temper tantrums that make one inclined to hide their cell phones when Boogie’s within 500 feet. Spending time in jail hasn’t done much to get her thinking straight either- in fact it’s seemingly allowing her to fall into a victim’s complex, believing she’s being unfairly persecuted.

Prodigy’s midget ass been causing a ruckus since his teenage years as well, and age has not brought wisdom. Maybe it’s the sickle cell. Maybe he was set up. Maybe he was just in the wrong state with the wrong gun laws without the right weed carrier to take the blame. Regardless- Alfred’s heading to Rikers, breaking Miss Fatima’s heart, but given this industry he just may be breathing life into a rather stagnant career.

Even Hip Hop’s favorite jeweler, that Russian cat Jacob isn’t immune, as he is also facing some serious jail time and financial losses given some shit poor business decisions.

No matter the person, their case or the motivation, it remains to be seen why any of them would take so many unnecessary risks when they have so much to lose. But this is also an issue of perspective. I don’t have nearly as much as them, so to me the thought of fucking around and stupidly throwing fortune and careers away is abhorrent , but I’m sure there are cats out there who could look at my personal history and say the same thing about some of my actions. None of us are immune to stupidity, but it’s still a damn shame to watch it happen right before your eyes.

I know this post is late… if you want regular updates you gotta see the best blogger on the e-block.

You know the drill. Weird shit in the world.

Travel News: Travel & Leisure Magazine released a poll about where the most attractive people reside. I am proud to report that Miami was #1 with the most attractive people in the universe. Philly was at the bottom. New Jersey wasn’t even invited to the table.

Greenalysis: Miami- stand up! I have to disagree with Philly being filled with the most unattractive people, I’m my experience, and there are definitely some fine Philadelphians. Miami- stand up!!

Frivolous Lawsuit New: Typical story: 77 year old German millionaire dates 19 year old, wants sex, 19 year old comes to her senses says “Hell no! Keep that shriveled German sausage away from me.” Man sues girl for ageism saying he was humiliated.

Greenalysis: Call me crazy but I would think he could have just bought another 19 year old or 3 of them who would have gladly, you know. Did things with him. Of the naked variety. I’d also think he’ll face more humiliation by publicizing the fact that it happened. Just goes to show you, make sure both parties agree on the sex before the dinner check is paid.

Sexual Harassment News: If you are felt up on a train, is your first reaction to A: Slap the shit out of someone B: Make a lot of noise and slap the shit out of someone or C: Push a button on your cell phone and show the perv a message that says “Excuse me, did you just grope me?”, “Groping is a crime,” or finally, “Shall we head to the police?” along with a flashing Sad face emoticon. If you are in Japan, you’d choose option C.

Greenalysis: An angry emoticon? REALLY? Is   a deterrent when a pervert grabs your ass? Maybe Japanese perverts are more polite because American perverts usually can’t read so the text would be pointless and they’d probably ether try and steal your hone, or think it was an invitation for more groping and they’d try and give you their number.

Birds do it. Some fish do it. We do it. A least, we try to do it. No you dirty bastards; I’m not talking about sex (this time). (Most of us do more than just try to do that) I’m referring to the “M” word. Monogamy.

Biologist and hyper religious types like to point out that the wild animal kingdom is full ogf monogamy. But we aren’t animals (debatable, I know), and frankly, only 5% of the animal kingdom is socially monogamous. The rest- they sow their wild oats. Wildly. We’re humans. If we were animals, maybe it would be appropriate to be monogamous. If we were prairie voles, eagles, penguins, wolves, lobsters, perhaps one mate for life would be natural.

So why do we try and fool ourselves into thinking monogamy is the end all have all, be all of our lives? Western society, and contemporary religion has taught us that we should find a choose one person to remain with for our entire lives. Never stray, in fact, suppress any desire to stray, any need to be free to bond, mate and share with another. So we conform to this societal construct, creating a type of prison for ourselves to coexist in, hoping the companionship we somehow choose will be a string enough a warden to keep us on the straight and narrow.

But is it natural? Are we really made to be with just one person for the bulk of our lives?

See I’m part of the generation of little girls raised on Disney cartoons and other such fables that guaranteed a happily ever after ending. However my generation is also the generation of divorce. As commonplace as it is today, to those before us, divorce wasn’t the norm. However, in the past 30 or so years, it would appears as though some primal instinct to not be bound to another, or at least to the same another for all time, is struggling out of suppression. Even amongst genders, there is a desire to be with many, one that is encouraged significantly more in men than women, yet it exists equally in both sexes.

I readily admit that even I romanticize about the idea of a happily ever after. I also however, would like the power to stop time to catch a few extra ZZZs in the morning, or have a magic ATM card that always has enough money in it. Unrealistic, yes. But is monogamy anymore realistic? Or are we just better at fooling ourselves into believing that particular brand of magic? Part of me hopes its possible. Another part knows better.

There is a movement afoot, one that can only be traced back to the war on Hip Hop. It’s a subwar of sorts. A war on one of Hip Hop’s favorite pastimes. No, not gun collecting. Stripping. Strippers are under attack.  In Atlanta, the city government is practicing nothing short of ageism, decreeing that all clubs that serve alcohol cannot hire workers under 21. In St. Maarten, health officials are accusing a stripper of spreading tuberculosis to over 40 people.

 Two tiny issues: dirty strippers and teenagers, spoiling all the fun for everyone, tainting the good name of honest, hard-working strippers everywhere.

It’s hard out here for a stripper. First, there’s the illusion that they aren’t actual trained dancers. Perhaps there are no prima ballerinas at Strokers, or former Martha Graham corps members at Sue’s, but take a look at some of the routines. There is not denying the athletic prowess of some of these women. Its way more athletic and fun to watch than Figure skating or Swan Lake.

Then there’s the issue of gold diggers. Hey- the job market is tough.  So what if these young ladies are stripping to pay tuition? School is expensive! And so what again, if they strip after the graduate? Like I sadid0 the job market is tough. Besides, who the fuck wants to make $7 an hour at Macy’s when you could make $700 or so a night at Rolexxx?  I’m just saying: there is nothing wrong with being economically minded. These girls were math majors—they know.

Then there’s the thought its skanky. Unclean. Disease Ridden. Really though… whose job is really all that clean? Hospitals are full of germs. Libraries are skankfests. Strip clubs… you know, run the gamut. But the industry is working on it. They’ve hired cats that look Mr. Clean to not just bounce, but clean u afterwards. (See- economical again!)

So in conclusion- don’t let Hip Hop’s favorite pastime after gun collecting be derailed. Don’t let the man win this one. Go out tonight and make it rain on those Hos. (For real—the really good ones don’t come on until the weekend, the weeknight broads need encouragement and career support too).

(Pic obviously taken from Sandra Rose)