Remembering you Dad…

A part of me died when i lost my father. I will never regain that ever.No one can replace that void.

I am left with a hole in my soul.

No company too fulfilling

Laughs and excitement feel overacted

No gain too accomplished

High on that triumph feels overstated

No occasion too grandiose

Decorations and sweets feel uncelebrated

No sorrow too painful

Tears with numbness feel replaced

No life too alive

Moments and breaths just existed

~~~ I Miss you Pappa

Your Lil Girl Always ~~~

~ I Still wait…

 

As i grasp the winds in my palm
i whisper my innumerable ramblings into it…
then blow it across as they sparkle in the sky
i see you illuminated in love again
Did u hear those tidings as you breathe?

As i crumble the dry leaves on my path
they carry the story that we both lived
i feel u standing in the shadows watching
i stand there startled as my ear ring dances
Did i hear your voice asking if m still waiting?

 

 

Cheers!

♣Nairobi

~ Of love and its lore ~

She sways like the autumn leaves

in the breeze of his thoughts…

Does She know,

He has reasons to love that are as deep as her eyes?

 
And he floats on the clouds of her dreams

as a dew rests on her parched lips…

Does He know,

She has a love as strong as his his will to seek her ?

 

 

Cheers!

♣Nairobi

Rhapsody with rains

 

A Rapturous delight i drown into

As beads of shining silver adorn my very being

there’s a calm from grass to air

and my heart pours again as i stand in rain

This feeling of love I don’t have,

Will i gain?

The rains whispers to me yet again

A new rhapsody lets begin-

Now why dont we take a walk together

hand in hand

You and I

In The Rain

 

Cheers

♣Nairobi

 

 

Why were you not here….

 

Why were you not here when i pained inconsolably,with no shoulder to lean on and share the story of this  brutally agonized heart?

Why were you not here when my heart was filled with ramblings;and all i wanted was to see you smile hearing all my days rantings?

Why were you not here when i strolled around aimlessly in thoughts so jumbled; when all i needed was the sound of your voice to quiet and soothe me?

Why were you not here when my heart broke into a million pieces everytime i saw lovers  lost in oblivion;wishing so mush  just for you to be here to hold my hand and walk a mile?

Why were you not here when i tossed and turned all night;when all i wanted was to whisper in your ears the endless stories to quench my heart’s thirst?

Why were you not here when i was all dejected n alone crying by  myself;when all i wanted was to feel secure in the warmth of your arms?

Why were you not here when the world made me feel invisible and forlorned;when all i craved for is your brace and loving  attention ?

Why were you not here when i sat listening to the endless tick tocks;when all i wanted was to listen to your footsteps,the sound of which sparked every thing in the gloomy abode?

Why were you not here when i was high on that triumph and still not realising its whole worth;for  all i wanted was that priceless pat on my back acknowledging my small gain?

Why were you not here when i drowned myself into others stories to forget mine,of how all is meaningless w/o you; when all i wanted was just to feel your were present around me?

Why were you not here when i choose to tread upon a path unknown and all i wanted was your inspiration and courage to emerge victourious among a pack of wolves?

Why were you not here when i had so lovingly penned down words of love;wanting no one else as my audience but you to hear and n drown in the spirit of its meaning?

Why were you not here when i had all dressed up with rouge n gloss admiring myself foolishly;when all i wanted was to see in your eyes my reflection and a sigh on ur lips?

Why were you not here when i was on my heavenly abode,my soul still waiting to tell you one last time how much i  missed you; and all i wanted to see in your eyes was that you missed me too ?

The medley of our times

Its the time for life at its most unsure phase,for love,for money,for new friends,for opportunities,for decisions, for a recheck of ur belief system and  its that time of your age called the twenties. Sure enough they’re  the most trying years of an individual but the most beautiful too.

Its time when u start to know many things about yourself which u may not like and realize that things aren’t the same as you thought em to be. You stop going along the crowd and rather expect others to follow you.

You start realizing that the friends you have are after all not the greatest people you have met…and the ones that you left back have moved too far to come back.Maybe they are realizing it too and that we all weren’t so bitchy n mean after-all but only as confused as everyone else.We try to look for companionship but are also too scared for a commitment.The fear of loosing someone is stronger than the urge to spend your life with them.  There are so many decisions to be made that we wonder where to start and what to prioritize.Whether we have to make others happy or ourselves by these decisions by not looking selfish but still managing to have our way.

We start to question our own culture which through years we had followed and fail to understand why we have to follow the so called sanskriti just because our culture mandates them. Nor can we seem to feel guilt-free when we are laughing in the face of these obligations…And why can’t people just chill and stop moral policing and forcing such inconsequential minutia into an already complex life.

We tend to think of the shallowness to every action of ours and people around us, if it was so necessary to put on such fakeness when all you need at that moment is but the truth.You look at your job and it is nowhere close to the one you thought u would be doing.We are just hanging on just so that we don’t look out of place doing nothing. And you are in a job you never in your right mind thought of being, hard to fathom what made you give up on that dream so easily.But yet you need to drag yourself against that frail voice in your heart and go along with the one in your head.

Our opinions have gotten stronger and we find ourselves judging people more than usual because we now have our own belief system which we keep updating so as to suit us and not necessarily be right.Suddenly small things make us insecure and we start hating change and try to hold on to dear past but its only drifting far away.So we just move on with something eating us from within.You tend to think of the people you loved and realize how the most toughest of times were given by your near n dear ones.You feel emotionally weak than ever before and think how someone you loved could break your heart in a split second.You don’t know who to believe. You lie in bed with regrets and don’t know if you are brave enough to face the world in the morning.

Somehow  the ever enthusiastic spirit of the twenties jolts you from your reverie and gives you all the courage  needed to go on…Guess that’s the beauty of this age.You may feel you are the only one alone but the truth is you are not.We are all alone and we are together in it.

Cheers

♣Nairobi

Jiyo Life :)

There is nothing and absolutely nothing like home coming…..For a once homely girl like me,it was very difficult to get out of that comfort zone and try to fit into the world out of home…But i had to someday. So i had to make my own ways after graduating….Not that i was forced to but by choice. It’s now almost 7-8 yrs( I know it’s not too much but it sure feels like forever to me) that m away from home,staying apart from my family….trying to do my best in the corporate race.

Well that apart,i have had some lovely lovely times at home which include my childhood, my teenage life, and as an adult too….all mixed with all sorts of drama happening at every stage of life with me and the people changing with time..with situations…with people….with age.

I almost vividly remember the times all my cousins would drop in for the summer holidays. It meant our parents were supposed to gear up for some more complaints from the neighbors…more mess…more fun!! We were a gang of around 8-9 criminals,if i can appropriately name us,literally!  And We had this very soft corner for stolen stuff ( lol) and we were all game for it almost anytime. And what would we steal–mangoes from others farms !!

We had a concrete plan to do it too 🙂 wake up early in the morning when the watchman is not on guard at the farm and get done with our mission. And,yes we folks never got up late during holidays. Cuz  a lot would be missed then.so we had this gang of boys n gals which includes 2 of our friends…one stayed right next to my home and de other a few blocks away. We used to get up at 5.30 early morning believe it or not…Then my bro starts calling up and waking all de other partners in crime one by one. So we all gather near our home and leave on our destination with all the nonsense talks…n teasing and fighting about whose’s school was better n our crushes ( Yes we did have crushes in school ).

Hmmm so after a while we are staring in front of this huge farm watching in awe and with mangoes in everyone’s eyes….Huge one’s this farm had and without a gate or a compound to it….But just a watchman at the far end of the farm.And my cousin brother was the only one who was an expert in climbing trees for this mission….we could all climb like just one branch up that’s it 😛 ( Losers i know) .Yeah, so we other folks spread around and look for whichever tree has the best of mangoes and call out for him to pluck em down. We all would stand down with our hands spread or the boys with their T-shirt spread to hold em. We covered some trees and there was one final go when we hear a faint sound like someone is shouting….And what do we see….in the far distant the watchman is F!@#$g coming after us.we telll my cousin to hurry up and drop as many as possible. Well ,what we dint see was the watchman’s dog comin from the other end !! Gosh major trouble there u see.. We all run for our lives helter-skelter anywhere (But with the mangoes !) and end up hiding behind the compound of a house nearby…. We were peeping from there with out little heads shown up and we see our brave Cousin still standing tall on the tree….And with the dog barking right below him !! Plus the watchman showering all de foul language in the world.

We all escaped from there asap thinking the watchman had seen us and would soon come after us. And we reach home all panting and gasping for air….our parents knew we had once again done one of our stints. We told em the whole story. we were about to leave with our dad to rescue my cousin when we see my cousin walking back home…fuming with anger. For a moment we all just sat quiet in the porch without saying a word…slowly making eye contact with him…and suddenly we all burst into laughter !!

Well this is just an instance of insanity though…Cuz my life is filled with crazy people and events.

So this i show I jiyo life and those are the most memorable days for me… And i don’t have to go on expensive trips to make life interesting and better. Moments like these and more give u more pleasure and add more meaning to life..So even now when i go back home we talk about bygone days over a cuppa coffee and it’s just an instant connection to all those memories all over again. I don’t have to be any other place to enjoy myself but at home with my family n friends.

It’s about having one life.It’s about makin gthe most of it.Every minute,every second. It’s about living it with the people, the only ones who really matter-family and friends. Are you having a jiyo life ? Have you ever had a memorable Jiyo Life moment?


Miss you…

I know i am late again.:) Apologies, but work’s keeping me too busy these days. Have to work for the weekend too.:(  Well this goes to 3WW prompt  :

 

How i had thought

My heart had held your mind in its grasp

That you were too near to go afar

Now that u have really left

How do i pacify myself…..

How deep down i dreaded

I would never see you again …..

 

 

♣Nairobi

Between the Hello and Goodbye….

We’ve had our share of hello’s

And that goodbye still remains.

And somewhere between these two moments

Is where i will always be expectantly waiting for you

With the hope that u will come back

And with the fear if u will leave without a word.

With that hello we had a start….

But we still didn’t say adieu

And i still wait….

Oh yes and i forgot to tell you this

If u r not too long

I will wait here for u forever….

♣ Nairobi

Untill we meet again…

Have you ever had that wierd feeling when u meet some person for the very first time and felt that u have met before and that u know something of him/her.U just almost instantly connect 🙂
I believe all the people who are a part of my life n being have already been there with me in some life before this….They are around me now too….some to protect me….some to guide…some to teach me life’s hardest lessons….some to love…some to hate…some to look up to…some to envy…some to be faithful to….some to serve….and most importantly….all to be a part of us again.

A familiar feeling creeps within
I have been here before
I have felt that aura surround me long before
How and When i do not know

Have met that stranger before this time
We connect like iwe’ve spent time together
I know u have been mine before
How and When i do not know

Have run before through those curvy stairs
Have known that porch beyond the door
I remember that song that i hum in my mind
You hum the same
And
Now i know why…..

Cheers

♣Nairobi

I can see me now

Wither away behind me

giving way to a seasoned soul

no more wary no more abashed

chew over oh stranger like you always did

i no more care

i walk that carefree way

i laugh out loud & sway

if the need i don’t hesitate a fray

Put on that  mascara n stuff it for a smoky look

The rouge and gloss adding more to my attitude

i wear a little too deep a dress for the evening now

let my hair down to curl on my shoulders

I hang out with my gang of girls

And we don’t shy away from those stares

We toast to the freedom of being singles

And don’t think twice before we flash

amorous smiles to the guys on the other table

Go on and have your time

Its time….

Break-free oh sweet gurl

Let loose  Love yourself  Lock fears Live on ur own terms

I walk alone

If there is something I know for sure about me, it’s this—that i love to be alone…And not in a relationship. I need a lot of time for myself where i just wanna sit back and be occupied in thoughts of my own…That I don’t like to feel like m obligated to anyone. I feel suffocated, trapped with that good feeling of being with someone lasting only momentarily. And with me on the verge of getting hooked up into this so called relationship of the typical Indian arranged wedding, my fears seem to be coming true. So bad that i want to run away from all this….i just don’t want to live someone else s’ life. I say this because i know i have to change a lot about myself now. I am sure that person might be kind enough to let me be the way i am…but unconsciously i will change so as to suit him. Guess my female blogger friends would know that it’s true…cuz they did it too. And now I have to step outside of me.

I cannot stop thinking how it’s gonna work out cuz i hate the idea of me trying to please/impress everyone. But i guess there’s no escape. Have sensed this weird thing with me in many relations-be it with friends, kin’s, colleagues….I don’t like to be over-cared for or over burdened with emotional bindings or be answerable to every damn thing i do in a days time. I dislike when told to do a particular thing in a way with which m not comfortable even if its right, not out of arrogance but simply because its  is not my way. I love my friends company, but lately i have drawn a tendency to avoid our famous hang-outs too…or i am completely lost out of the conversation and disinterested. I am preoccupied and can’t let anything distract me. Sometimes i drown myself too much into others’ stories to forget mine…. And that is exactly i don’t wanna happen. I must admit that i am a Self-centered person. But then who isn’t? Everybody is their own priority. And there are some things we will never know…. about your love or your friends…as to who loves you how much and about your friend’s cuz u never know how deeply they care about you. This is something only they know deep in their heart.

Luckily,i tend to enjoy my own company…I have heard not many people can do that. I need to hear the voices in my head more often than others’. I sometimes have people drop in when i am alone thinking i need some charity company to make me feel happy. Even at my workplace, when i am sitting n savoring a cuppa coffee all alone in the cafeteria, some bugger shows up and asks – “Hi, How r u …how come u r alone on a break ? Don’t you have any ‘company’?” ( #%^@$%@$ -I mean what made u think I need any – Go away you sorry faced loser ). I think people need to get this difference straight between being alone and lonely. I am not lonely….I just need to be alone. That is by choice. Loneliness is not by choice…it’s a consequence. It’s depressing. And I am not a ‘LONER’

But it’s not that i am having a miserable social life and missing out on all the fun around. I can be the life of a party when needed but i want people to respect my own space too as I do theirs. I really don’t mind being all on my own in crowed places…i just like to stroll around the mall or go shopping and i enjoy it.

Now i am thinking, after getting into a relationship, if I can be this way. I just hate the idea of being stuck with someone…But society norms will drag me into this pool of relations and I have to sink in quietly.  I don’t think any guy would like to have someone like me in his life and wonder what’s in store for me…if i may have to change my career or leave this place and these people, my lifestyle, my ways, my choices, my thinking, my friends circle, the anytime hang outs, the late nyte parties, the get up anytime days, the Maggie/cornflakes for all our meals, the carefree ways where I have not many responsibilities….this lovely time is gonna be hard to give up.

Hmm maybe I am overreacting to the thought getting hooked up after all these years of being on my own. Maybe this guy would be understanding enough or crazy enough to have me in his life 🙂 Hope for the best!

The Happiness Mantra for girls

So the weekend’s here and we ( me and my roommate) look at each other and say …so what do we do this time….And after much thought we give that very familiar look ( Which every gurl knows) at each other with those stupid smiles and we almost instantly know-Its Shopping  again!!

Thank goodness i am a girl….And by default a shopaholic for sure…Yes i am must admit that and I SHOP TILL I DROP. Literally.But we start off on a different note everytime we decide to — Come on we’ll just do window shopping n check out what’s new. And m sure u know what we come out with–  with bags our own weight…lolz.

But when it comes to shopping i only n only like to go with all  my girlfriends.No matter how any trials we take we have the same excited look after checkin out each other in a new outfit…..I dont like the harrased look on a guys face when taken out for forced shopping. With guys waiting out for their girls to come out n show off their new found hunt and some feeling embarrassed n shy n glad n completely lost at times and tired and  unmistakeably all the guys checking out all the other guys’ gals’ secretly.May be hoping if mine could look so sexy too. [My male blogger friends should tell me if that’s true?] As a girl i can just analyze the look on their face 🙂

Hmmm makes me realize its all about the hunt for the best,be it guys or girls (And trust me its almost criminal among girls to be outdated and we will not think twice before handing u over to the fashion police)Guys after the best of gadgets/bikes/cars/girls/games n girls after clothing/shoes/bags/makeup/accessories.Can you imagine my delight when i discovered that the lovely branded bag i was dying to get was on clearance at a remote outlet!! And how i can be the envy of other girls when i brag about how less i paid to get my pick.And when we get a good bargain its almost like an adrenaline rush with our self-esteem roaring high.

Well i think there’s a healthy air of competition too…The marathon mall event if i can call it that…lol. Girls push, shove, step on each other and use creative tactics to grab that last pair of hot jeans on sale.Like just smile and try to  ask the girl something stupid and your friend in the meanwhile grabs you that last pick !! yes!!! Mission accomplished…Phew!
Frankly i love it…its fun-the hunt for the best-the trial room stint -the buy it green signal- the rejections-the try it again-i love it all! I like to dress myself in the best…look the best…feel the best…(Which every girl does ) And why not?

So girls gear up for the next weekend ans we’ll c u in the marathon again.

Happy Shopping 🙂

In the eye of the beholder…..

Is beauty really in the eye of the beholder? Is it all around us, or only where you look for it?
What does beauty look like?  What does it sound like? Feel like?

Well yes,sure beauty does really lie in the eye of the beholder.Anything i find attractive need not be seen in the same way be you….and for good.
Or we would all end up liking the same person if we all found just one person attractive!!
I Remember the time when during graduation,one of my close friend used to often talk with this, well, i can say ‘not so attractive guy’ ( If you know what i mean !).
And we used to ask her if she were in love with that person for any dumb luck of hers and of course to the good luck of the guy…
And the reply was a groan with her eyes rolling suggesting we were completely insane to even ask something like that…
i recieved a call from her recently after years of our Jobs seperating us.And guess what people…The two are getting married next year!
well it really made me think about this guy in question in a whole new perspective and changed my whole thought process..
Different people will find different things beautiful and these differences of opinion don’t matter greatly.
It made me think there is something beautiful about a person that we all cannot see. It appeals to one’s Soul. It makes them complete.That is what makes them beautiful.
Yes, this is what i find so strange about attraction and beauty (inner and outer), feelings and emotions.

[ And it makes me wonder who came up with this quote….And I Guess it was some poor guy with a real ugly girlfriend!(Sorry for that dumb PJ).]

Jokes apart,But i do tend to think if this quote appeals to all five senses? (Taste, Touch, Smell, Sight, Sound).And now i believe it does,
because beauty is combined with pleasure and sorrow as well…Because it is sometimes the unseen which is more beautiful….
it is the silence that is more powerful than words….it is only the vague that you sometimes seem to understand….It is sometimes pain that that eases your soul….
As for me,Beauty looks like the morning rays kissing the lacy seas and the waters glittering in acknowledgment,Beauty sounds like a baby’s laughter.
And Beauty feels like a tight hug from someone you love and the winds circling and dancing around you as if to make that moment special…

But no matter what the saying goes…..women will never be happy about the way they look…
But its ironic that whenever we talk of beauty we somehow tend to relate it to a WOMAN.
I just feel that when GOD created woman he was surely trying to show off !! Ha ha…( Man,I am so glad to be a woman ! )
In some article i read, the observation was made that women tend to see more detail than men .
Tadaa so there lies the culprit ! And there are always moments when we are either feeling superior or inferior,better off or worse off than
compared to others
No doubt the superior moments are elating…but there are just some rare times when you feel EQUAL.
When we think of beauty the thought of we being the BEST or trying to become the BEST creeps and dwells in our mind….
But we need to know that there is no such thing as “BEST” in a world full of individuals…

We are all Beautiful !!

Cheers

♣Nairobi

Just a few thoughts….

Hello people…..wanted to share this with all of you.Found this while reading something on the internet. Just some thoughts. Guess you will all like this. Read on !

 

If God is the DJ, then Life is the dance floor;Love is the rhythm, and You are the music .Some say love is life, but love without hope and faith is an agonizing death.

Always remember that through the turmoil love may bring, the heart sees what the eyes cannot.People need love the most when they deserve it the least.

You’ll be surprised to know how far you can go from the point where you thought it was the end.All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

To live is like to love, all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it.

The greatest ironies of life – having the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, and finding out that you love someone after that person walks out of your sight.

When you love, there’s no such thing as loving a little, but loving all the way.Love may not ask you to give up your life, but it will require lots of sacrifices .Your first love is not always your truest love.

Men who do not forgive women their little faults will never enjoy their great virtues.

Everyone must go through a storm to get to a rainbow.Sometimes it’s the things that you can’t do, that bring out the brilliance of what you can.

Where life exists, love exists. Don’t try to not love someone ,for it will only make your love grow deeper; just accept it.

Take a look at what you have. Think of all you did to get it. Remember it only takes one second to lose.

There’s nothing as nice as someone who shares your laughter, your secrets ,your wishes and cares .When love comes so strong there is no right or wrong.Your love is your love .someone who’s there through your good times and tears, who stays by your side as your friends through the years.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life : that word is love.

Friendship doubles your joys, and divides your sorrow.Friends will come and friends will go ,The seasons changes and it will show ,I will age and so will you….What will remain is just our memories to be told.

 

Cheers !

♣  Nairobi

Shame-It stays with you.

For Sunday Scribblings…..

I have always been of the opinion that there’s a thin line between being shameless and having guts ( ofcourse depends on the situation )….. Don’t you think many people mistake both these terms.

I read once that there’s only one emotion that is just as powerful in recollection as it is on the spot. You know, when you remember an instance of being happy or sad, you don’t re-experience the full happiness or sadness you were feeling then, but when you remember feeling shame, you have a physical reaction and it’s just as powerful as when it was fresh. Crazy.

Eating me inside out

this feeling of shame

Seems like young guts to you

until

the wrinkles let it show

years which seemed like eons

failed to hide this feeling.

♣ Nairobi

The First Kiss that is yet to be….

Ah here’s my first kiss to Sunday scribbling…Quite an interesting prompt I must say. Something like this comes like a vivid memory back to you (Be it Good or bad ) but  it got me thinking for a while here.

That is for a simple reason that I have not kissed any guy in my 25 years of life as a girl. I know u people must be rolling your eyes thinking I am either bluffing it or you must be laughing hard saying I am totally insane or abnormal! LOL ! But I am neither. Maybe my being a conservative Indian can explain that. No doubt I am open to modern thoughts and life styles and can easily accept change about many things, but when it comes to giving myself to someone( be it even a kiss ) ….I want it to be with “My Guy” – The one and only.[ Please don’t kill me for the clichéd’ old fashioned statement ] .

Well of course there are drastic changes with people’s thoughts with time and people have moved on and become quite open about these things and are confident about making the right choices. But somewhere behind this mask of cosmopolitan lifestyles is this conservative Indian fighting change.

Ok I will leave the discussion on that thought and lemme think of a kiss now….

A kiss I imagine

Something that is giving

Or is it only about receiving

Something that sets free

Or is it all confining

Something that is innocent

Or is it blameful

Something that is an invitation

Or an order to surrender

Something that is savouring

Or is it endurance

Something that is pure

Or is it full of lust

Something that is sharing

Or is it all about daring

Something that offers

Or is it only demanding

What is it like?

To have a kiss……

From Hem to Haw

For All those familiar with the book “Who moved my Cheese” which talks about how  Change can be a blessing or a curse, depending on your perspective. The message of Who Moved My Cheese  is that all can come to see it as a blessing, if they understand the nature of cheese and the role it plays in their lives. This story tells us about amazing ways to deal with change and its unique insights last for a lifetime……

Among all the characters in there,  i think most of us do resemble and identify with ‘Hem’ in some way…we all fear change or resist it and panic when we can’t. We eventually start to find reasons on why change is not good ( even if it is for the better )  just so that we can avoid it.

The more things change around us,the more we have to be aware of stuff and update our belief system in order to get along with times. Some can do this and some become ignorant ( And i don’t think  it’s bliss then…). It is for the simple reason that our lives are built around our own belief system and when someone tries to change it,we feel threatened and scared of what lay ahead. We need to accept that tings will change….they always have.

Of course change can be a wonderful thing,if we know how to adapt ourselves to it and know what role this change is going to play in our lives and what would be the consequences of accepting it. And there are many ways of coping with change depending on perspective and ways of life. But to think that change will not happen and that you can control things around is like refusing to fly with your wings wide open and choose to stay inside the cocoon.

We may feel each day to be the same with no difference in the way we do things,But you know ,day by day nothing changes…but when we look back everything is different !! Things have changed ! Life has moved on and you have gone through it all. Some have fared well and some have lost with changing times.

Well i am turning from  ‘Hem’ to  ‘Haw’,readily accepting change and believe that this change will lead to something better for sure.