I've been told a few times that my blog could be a book, but my story has yet to be finished. Though I've basically abandoned this blog, I've been thinking about it a lot lately and how I need to finish out my story. Don't get me wrong, my story is far from complete. God still has work for me to do, but I'm starting to see how things are beginning to come full circle.

Recently, we studied a passage in 1 Peter. A small excerpt from it says:

"In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter 1:6-7

The question, "How can one be joyful about trials?" came up, and it got me thinking. Am I joyful that my son died? No. Absolutely not. Never. I will wish with my whole heart for my whole life that I had been spared this particular tragedy. It will always and forever hurt.

BUT...

Am I joyful about the way I've seen God use the circumstances surrounding his death and his story to bring others closer to Him, to change my heart, to bring orphans into my home? Yes. Absolutely. Without a doubt.

Fourteen months ago, we were asked to adopt a little girl. We said yes. How could we not? It is crystal clear to me how God orchestrated all the events surrounding bringing her into our lives. We first met her when she was about 7 months old. We had just started our foster care training - something that was placed very heavily on our hearts following Levi's death. She had just been taken into kinship care by family members wanting to keep her out of foster care. I left dinner that night and told Josh that I would take that little girl in a heartbeat. We completed our training, and proceeded to have 3 foster daughters in our home over the course of the next 18 months. Little Bell, our last foster, devastated our hearts when she left. We had been told we were candidates for adopting her, and then they found a distant cousin to take her. We were brokenhearted, and didn't know if we could continue this foster care journey. A few days later, I received an email from the relatives of this little girl. They had seen our story and our hearts, and wanted us to become her forever family. I was speechless. It seemed too easy to have gone through all that training and to know we felt the pull from God towards foster care, and then simply be asked to take on a private adoption with no CPS involvement needed. However, had we not been obedient to that pull, we would never have been presented with this opportunity.

Fast forward a long, hard 14 months of waiting and trials and lawsuits and unknowns and falling more and more in love with her with each passing day, and just yesterday, her parental rights were terminated making it possible for us to finally begin the adoption process. The minute those words were spoken, I cried tears of JOY. She is my daughter. I have wanted her since the first moment I laid eyes on her. Soon, we can make it legal.

So, again I ask, am I joyful that Levi died? No. I would do anything to turn back the clock and give birth to him just one day earlier; the day before he died in my womb.

But am I joyful about this little girl that is about to become part of my family all because God used the tragedy of Levi's death to turn my heart towards adoption? Oh, yes! Yes, yes, yes. A thousand times yes!

I don't write here much anymore, and I'm ok with that. This place was an outlet I needed during some of my roughest spots, and I'm not saying that life is now perfect, but I don't really need this outlet anymore. Plus, there's so much of my life I can't share due to legalities of foster care and adoption. One day soon I hope to be able to share, but for now, I must remain silent. However, with all the said, I've been struggling lately. You see, this April will be 5 years since Levi has been gone. FIVE YEARS. I remember my mom telling me my grief probably wouldn't totally subside until at least five years out, and at the time, that seemed so far away, but now it's here, and it doesn't seem like it happened all that long ago, and I don't think my grief is leaving anytime soon. I still vividly remember all the details, all the shock, all the pain, everything. And it still hurts. A lot.

Josh and I are painting our walls this weekend, and last night as I was taking down all the pictures, I found myself taking extra care to wipe all the dust off Levi's pictures while studying his face once again. I wonder what he would look like now. What would his personality be like? Would he be inquisitive like Aidan, rough and tumble like Quinn, or entirely different all together? I should be working on school enrollment forms for him to start Kindergarten in the fall. I should be teaching him to write his name and learning to read. Oh, what I would give to hear the sound of his voice.

I've discovered that every stage of life brings new hurts and new longings, so I don't know that the hurt will ever disappear. It lessens, but it's never gone. It's no longer a daily ache. Sometimes, it all comes crashing in at once and leaves me on my knees struggling to breathe. Other times, it's sweet memories of the time I did have with him growing beneath my heart, or precious dreams of what life with all 3 of my boys would be like.

Levi's too short life certainly changed the trajectory of Josh's and my life. We considered our life good and easy before him. I sometimes wish for those easy times again. I want to be naïve and carefree once more, but we had to find our "new normal" and learn how to function again in the midst of our pain. We had to parent one child while desperately longing for our second. We had to learn how to continue to love each other and help one another in the midst of our own, very different grief's. We learned to be strong. We witnessed true community. We felt the peace of God cover us. Adoption was never part of our plan, but it turns out God had a different plan in mind for us, and laid it very heavily on our hearts. We've now had 4 precious girls in our home because of Levi's life. Though we lost him, he has given us so much.

But, I still miss him. I still hurt for him. The knowledge of five years is hard for me. As April 30th draws closer, I imagine it will only get harder. Be patient with me as you see the tears fall. It may seem so long ago for you, but for me, it was moments ago. Remember my sweet boy, because memories are all I have to hold on to.

“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.” -Ronald Reagan.



At 7pm tonight, as with each year, the Wave of Light is held… If you can, light a candle for one hour in honor of babies who left this earth far too soon.

A lot has happened since the last time I've really written here. In February, we received our 3rd foster care placement. She's still with us, officially making her stay in our home the longest of them all. We've been told she'll most likely be with us for awhile, too. We're perfectly ok with that. She's currently 9 months old and is the happiest baby ever. We love her, the boys love her, we'd like to keep her forever. It's all in God's hands though and all we can do is pray that whatever is best for her is what is done.

We made it through Levi's birthday once again. Not an easy day, I will admit. It never is though. One would think it would get easier the more time passes, and in some ways it does, but in others, it's a reminder of how long it has been since I last carried him in my womb and held his precious body in my arms. This year was also harder because Aidan started asking more questions. He asked me why he died, and I don't really have an answer to that question. I simply had to tell him that we don't know exactly why he died, but that he died while he was still in my tummy and went straight to heaven. Then he wanted to know if I was waiting and waiting for Levi to come out and if he never did because he was in heaven. That took some time and explanation. It's not easy to explain to a child how I had to give birth to a dead baby and while I held his body, his spirit was gone. Then Aidan wanted to know what happened to his body, so we had to explain funerals and burials and decomposition (my child is very intellectual and loves science, so while most would shy away from this fact, Aidan found it intriguing). He wanted to know what our new bodies in heaven look like and how old we will be and what heaven looks like. Finally, he asked when he could go to heaven to see it all. I ran out and bought Heaven is for Real for Kids which helped give Aidan more of a visual understanding of what heaven might be like.

Josh took the day off work, and after Aidan got home from school we took flowers and balloons out to the cemetery. We all wrote notes to Levi, tied them to the balloons, and floated them up to heaven. Our very dear friends, Chris and Monica, invited us over for dinner so we wouldn't spend the evening alone. When we got home, I decorated a cake I had made earlier in the day, and we blew out a candle for Levi.

Four years have passed since you left this earth, and yet, I still miss you as much as the first. Longing to hold you today, Little Love.

That's right! He is out of diapers at 28 months! Can I tell you how relieved I am to be done with diapers for the time being?! Don't get me wrong, I will willingly jump back in the moment we get our next foster baby phone call, but it's such a relief to be done for now! With Quinn's diaper rash, staph infections, skin allergies to disposable diapers, me not wanting to wash anymore cloth diapers, and a child who can't stand a dirty diaper, I knew it was time, but had been dreading potty training for months! It took me a year, maybe more, to get Aidan fully trained and didn't want to repeat that experience, so I changed my tactic this time around, and Quinn was essentially trained in a weekend. Of course, accidents still happen occasionally and sometimes I just know he's waiting for that nap/bed time pull-up to do his business, but he knows we threw all the diapers away and all he gets from here on out is big boy underpants.

This blog post gave me the inspiration I needed to get the ball rolling on this potty training business.




I followed it pretty closely, but made a few modifications based on knowing my child. We had LOTS of accidents the first day, but by that evening, he had made it to the potty successfully twice. On day 2, he started pushing back on wanting to sit on the potty, but he only had 2 accidents. Day 3, he only had 1 accident and went #2 on the potty! Day 3 was also our first big outing to church, and he stayed dry the entire time. Although, he also didn't potty at all while there. In fact, he pretty much refused to do anything all day and just waited for those pull-ups. However, right before bed, I threw some Cheerios into the toilet as a last resort and told him to pee on them. It totally worked! He had an empty bladder for bedtime. :)

Speaking of pull-ups, remember that mention of skin allergies to disposable diapers?? Well, that applies to pull-ups as well. Not to mention, pull-ups are ridiculously expensive! (But then again, so are diapers.) I did look into cloth trainers for a bit, but they cost the same as a cloth diaper, and I just can't spend that on something that will only be used for a few months. Quinn does not wear pull-ups at all during the day; just for sleeping until we get the night time training done, so I thought I'd have to just deal for awhile. Until a friend, pointed me in this direction.

On Saturday, January 19th, Aidan turned 6. I still can't believe it. I'm not old enough to be the mom of a 6 year old, am I??

We celebrated his birthday that day with a pirate themed birthday party. Friends from church and school along with Grammy, Papa, Grandma, Grandpa, Uncy B, Aunt Holli, Lydia, Aunt Kat, and Behr came to party with him. Sadly, this was the first year that Uncle Jon Jon, Aunt Megan, and the crew couldn't make it in town due to work conflicts. We'll see them soon though! I had so much fun planning this party!




Our first game was Blind Man's Bluff. I drew up a pirate treasure map and printed off some X's, and the kids had to mark the buried treasure with an X while blindfolded.

 Next we went outside and completed a relay race. The kids started out by "walking the plank" across a board.

 After the relay race was the treasure hunt. I hid 6 clues around the house that the kids had to find and decipher.

 And they reached their final destination to the sand box that was filled with necklaces, chocolate gold coins, ring pops, and pirate pop guns.




Overall, I think it was a pretty fun party, and I've only heard positive feedback so far, so that's always a plus!

Later that evening, we went out for Aidan's birthday dinner with my parents.

Aidan,
You are a true joy to have as a son. I have been blessed with 6 incredible years with year and hope for many, many more to come. You are an intelligent, active, beautiful child and I love you with all my heart.
Mommy

We've been keeping busy this December. Aidan and I started out the month by driving to visit my sister and meet this precious guy. My newest nephew, Baird.

We came home and decorated the Christmas tree. We also received our second foster baby that weekend. An 8 month old baby girl. Unfortunately (and fortunately) she returned home after only 5 days with us.

Quinn saw Santa Claus at school. Funny story, Quinn was following me back to my classroom before school as I was carrying centers to set up for the day, and when I turned around, he was gone. When I came back out to find him, he was sitting in Santa's lap all by himself. He was so excited about Santa that he didn't want to wait for his class to go.

Aidan lost his first tooth. We had gone to the dentist that Monday and I was told his two bottom teeth were loose, but he wouldn't lose them probably until closer to his birthday in January. The tooth fell out the following Thursday as he was eating dinner.

We decorated gingerbread houses. The boys love doing this every year. More for the candy eating than the house decorating, I'm sure.

Yesterday, Quinn and I had our Christmas parties at school and Aidan's is today, so I'm heading up to his school here in a bit to celebrate with him. Tomorrow is the last school day of 2012 and then Christmas will really almost be here. The boys are ecstatic!

Sometimes I think I might be done with this blog. I'll sit down and know that I should put something on it, but just don't feel like it, and reality calls, so I stand up and walk away from the computer. Maybe it's because I don't feel as if anyone ever reads here anymore, or maybe I don't have the urgency to write like I used to. When I was walking through the immediate tragedy of Levi's death, I knew my words were being read, and I had to write them. I can't explain why, but it was a type of therapy for me. Now that it's been over 3 years, I no longer have that urgency nor does it seem others read as often. It's like a car wreck - traffic slows down so that everyone can stop to watch and see what happens to the people involved, but then you drive on and forget about it. Except for those involved in the accident. They don't forget. They continue to deal with the aftermath.

And that's what my life is now - the aftermath. We've picked up the pieces, we're putting them back together, but they'll never fit exactly the same again. Everything we do, every choice we make is a result of living through a tragedy. It changed us. Forever. Sometimes I believe I was changed for the better. It made me stronger and forced me to rely on God's strength. It made me value my family and friendships more because you never truly know how much time you have with a person. It made me realize just how much a miracle each of my living children are - from conception, through pregnancy, and finally birth. Sometimes I believe it changed me for the worse. I get genuinely upset when Levi gets left out of the family. I don't always congratulate people on new births and pregnancies. I feel pangs of jealousy at times when others announce new pregnancies and births. Most of the time, though, I wish I wasn't changed. I wish I had my 3 year old son running through the house creating chaos. But it will never be, and it hurts to dwell there, so I move forward.

On Friday, an 8 month old little girl was placed in our home. Our 2nd foster care placement. Levi is the reason that we bring these children into our home. Without his death, I never would have felt the need to allow my heart to open to children who need a safe place to live. But open it did because today, when I was told that this little girl will be returning to her mom tomorrow, my heart was a little bit crushed. I am so thrilled that for this baby, things will return to normal. But for me, I wanted a little more time. Aidan said, "It's ok, Mommy. We can just help another baby." How my heart melted when he said these words. I am constantly amazed at how much a child can teach me. I now understand when the Bible says to have the faith of a child. It's unquestioning and beautiful. And he is absolutely right. We can now help another baby. I just continue to pray that God will soften the blow each time these children leave. I also pray that He will quickly bring our forever child home because as much as I try not to envision adopting each child I hold, I can't help but wonder, "Is this my child?" Sometimes I don't want to do this foster care thing. It's hard and it breaks my heart more at times. But I know this is my calling. Levi did this. This is my aftermath.

So excuse me if I can't always find the words to type here. Some of my life, I'm not allowed to put here. Some of it, I don't want to put here. My pauses may be long at times. But do me a favor, and let me know you're still there because sometimes I still struggle with my aftermath.