| CARVIEW |
So here we are at the brink of 2013…I have a few minutes left.
Major events of 2012
– Saw Spain, Cannes, Venice, Montenegro etc. briefly.
– Got kidnapped/blackmailed
– Met my future husband
– Moved to China
– Quit smoking for 3 months (failed)
Number of jobs: 2
Homes lived: 3
Number of subjects passed: 3
Number of boyfriends: 2
Number of promise rings and marriage proposals: 1 
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It’s been a tough few weeks and I haven’t really been in the right head space to share. I think each adventure has a rocky patch and I think I’ve been in the rocky patch. I’ve had flu for 3 weeks, got a beautiful pet rabbit, which died and that completely broke my heart. Then on Monday I had a root canal. If I think about it now it’s actually quite funny (the tooth) because up until the dentist showed me the removed nerve I had thought I was getting a filling. Can you imagine? I had a translator but she didn’t really understand what was happening either…
I had gone to a dentist shortly after arriving in China…also for what I thought was a filling. Instead I got a crown, with no local numbing agents at all, and this woman kept drilling away at the other (healthy) teeth to make the oversized crown fit. It was pretty frightening. Then surprize, surprize the tooth she was drilling away at is now having issues. I’m at a different dentist I trust more now.
This has been such a scary journey of steadily losing control because of not speaking the language. For somebody with control issues it’s deeply unnerving. I think that will possibly be my big lesson here… Letting go a bit. It would appear I am not taking China so much as it is fighting to take me…
Aside from these few hiccups though it is actually going well. I’m not extremely happy , but am having a major adventure. Learning who and what I really am and believe and that is actually quite worth the effort! I’ve learned just how passionate and sensitive I am about animals. How deeply I love South Africa and how much I adore my family and good friends. And this is only after 4 months! I’ve made a few good friends over here and even found a church, which has an English service. So I think I can safely say I’m settled in.
Christmas is around the corner and it is so weird to be in a country where it isn’t a big deal. It’s just a normal day here really. Most of the Chinese people will go to work as per usual on Christmas day. Luckily we are an internationally affiliated company…so we will be bringing a bit of Christmas into our school.
I found SA wine and Ceres juice in a shop the other day. I got all emotional. *giggles* Go SA!
Ooooh and I tried my first Dr Pepper ever…it’s so yum!!!
So in love with this song right now!!!
“The Story”
by Brandi Carlile
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what
I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you…
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that’s on my mouth
It’s hiding the words that don’t come out
And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed
They don’t know my head is a mess
No, they don’t know who I really am
And they don’t know what
I’ve been through like you do
And I was made for you…
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I’ve been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don’t mean anything
When you’ve got no one to tell them to
It’s true…I was made for you
”…thus trauma designates both events and their impact, in part because the actual experience of abuse and the assault that experience poses to sense of self, safety, belonging and connection are intertwined…” /After Crisis: Trauma and Retraumatization/
I was watching For The Boys with Bette Midler and this song made me miss a certain blue-eyed boy back home…. so here’s thinking of you babe.
“P.S. I Love You”
Dear, I thought I’d drop a line.
The weather’s cool. The folks are fine.
I’m in bed each night at nine.
P.S. I love you.
Yesterday we had some rain,
but all in all I can’t complain.
Was it dusty on the train?
P.S. I love you.
Write to the Browns just as soon as you’re able.
They came around to call.
I burned a hole in the dining room table.
And let me see, I guess that’s all.
Nothin’ else for me to say,
and so I’ll close. Oh, by the way,
everybody’s thinkin’ of you.
P.S. I love you.
I do my best to obey all your wishes.
I put a sign up. Think
now I got to buy us a new set of dishes,
or wash the ones that have piled in the sink.
Nothing else to tell you, dear.
Except, each day feels like a year.
Every night I’m dreamin’ of you.
P.S. I love you.
P.S. I love you.
“If ever the river could,
Whisper your name,
Would the choices you make still… be the same?
Like a flower that dies from angry rain
… Why do we hurt
Ourselves?
Where is the love that let’s the sunlight in to start again?
The love that sees no colour.
Life begins with love…”
(from Where is the Love sung by Celine Dion)
“Old habits die easier then we think and new ones form…”
This is a quote from the movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and I’ll be honest… “This is a new… a different world. The challenge is to cope with it and not just cope…thrive”
After much procrastination and self doubt and just plain stalling I have decided to just jump in with this account of CHINA. I can’t keep every single memory safe in a blog, but heaven knows if I don’t start now I absolutely never will… so here we are. Day 22!!
On my way home from school tonight I bought a plunger from a street vendor. Using “duo shao qian” (how much?) I found out it only cost ¥5. I should add at this stage that my pronunciation of aforementioned phrase didn’t get the desired effect and I in actual fact found out it was ¥5 by pointing at the phrase on my list of phrases paper. But there it was… a plunge for my bathroom which floods when I shower.
So today’s box was PLUMBER. I could have asked the school to call one for me, but I knew that I could do it myself. Being this much out of my depth is scary, as you can imagine, but at least I stayed me. Phew! I can still use a plunge and still have a healthy amount of independence.
At the moment I am drinking dried chamomile flowers in a little metal sift device with hot water… I haven’t been sleeping well. I just don’t seem to be bonding with the hard bed. This tea is lulling me right into sleepiness… wow!
Prepare for China Activity one: Place a duvet on dining room table. Place pillows. Now sleep well. Good night.
But.. I am doing well and the motto for everything right now is… “IT’S PART OF THE ADVENTURE!”
1) I miss a bed! A proper bed. Not a thin mattress that pretends to be a bed but feels like you’re sleeping on a dining room table. My couch is softer then my bed?! So last night I actually just tried sleeping on the thin leather couch instead… Not amazing but better! 
2) We love SA because you can drink the water that comes out of the tap! This is considered the norm back home but 3 weeks in I have come to realise what a tremendous privilege that is! To brush your teeth and take a sip of water… wow!
Left for China today. Heartbroken and excited. Mostly heartbroken though!
“All Alone, whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot. And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.”
Dr Seuss must have been an over-analyzer too…or he just understood that the mind is a scary place that we all must face alone. As one who has been to many a therapy session (loony bin incl) and now studying to be the one who helps others make sense of their head I can’t help but be reminded how nobody can really get inside your head. Nobody can fix your head and nobody can be the sole comfort for when your head is a scary place… it all boils down to you. Your stuck with you and the only one who can ever really get to you or fix you is YOU. Seeing as you’re the only person really in there… and we choose what we allow in, don’t we?
Yesterday I was of the opinion that my boss made me feel worthless and inadequate. He had sat me down and proceeded to tell me that I am not proactive enough blah blah. So once he left I was launched into my head where I just got more and more upset. What was happening in my head was MUCH worse then what had actually happened in the meeting… I think? It all comes down to my own insecurities right? Someone else can’t really climb into my head and rearrange the neurons/chemicals/parts that trigger emotion and guilt. So these things are there already and were just brought up again by MY own sense of self, which is clearly having some issues. All I’m trying to get to, through fumbling through this blog today is that I need to get into my own head and straighten these thoughts out. If I were confident and more self-assured I wouldn’t have just sat there paralyzed…I would have opened my lovely mouth and given him a logical, strong and eloquent yet diplomatic reminder that I am his Au pair and NOT a maid. Pssshhh!
Hopping from box to box