Solitude tagged me ...and here it goes!

1- I used to wear only men's shirts.... and I secretly still love them.

2- I like order...but watching chaos from the OUTSIDE is fun!!!

3- I've walked barefoot in the middle of the summer on boiling asphalt. (PAIN)

4- I have 15 syringe marks on my left arm.

5- I used to squeeze a lil dab of mustard on my palm and lick it....it was like candy or something.

I pass it to:

Kareemfromegypt
Daisy
Alaa el din
Munther!!

P.S. to the guys: u r supposed to be looking at the hearts.

The 28th of January 2004...the day my dad passed away.

I remember staying up days and nights beside his bed waiting for the moment he'd wake up from his coma... I remember wanting to hear his final words not realizing that he already spoke them a month before.

I remember not being able to reconcile with the fact that his body was too powerless to lift him to go to the bathroom or even turn in his bed.

I remember screaming at a nurse's face for tying his hands to the bed. She said he was trying to remove the many tubes that were going in and out of his body & I screamed even more: "HE CAN'T MOVE! ARE YOU BLIND?" I remember wishing she was right.

I remember him getting skeleton-thin, when he could no longer be fed except by fluids through a tube.

I remember him not remembering me. I'd stand right infront of him and hear him ask: "who are you?"

I remember watching him from behind a glass barrier for 3 days when he was moved to the ICU.

I remember the moment I was told that he passed away.

I remember seeing him being identified by a toe-tag.

I remember the male nurse at the morgue.

I remember finding out at the funeral that I never really knew him.

I remember strangers coming up and telling me: "you must be his daughter. you look exactly like him."

I remember mama feeling that the funeral was her true wedding...the climax of her life's work..the reard for her suffering.

I remember dreaming that he woke up from the dead, then realized that the world is too ugly for anyone to rise from the grave.

I remember his friends who were not always in touch with him, calling to ask about him and I'd ask Sarah to tell them he is dead. I remember believing for a split of a second that he didn't actually die, that he was still here as long as some people still thought he was.

I remember the day mama got rid of all his belongings, his books, his clothes and even his pictures.

I remember feeling that maybe he never really existed, that he was just a fragment of my imagination.

I remember feeling bitter on hearing people say my "daddy" did this or my "daddy" said that.

I remember being asked what does my daddy do for a living and I'd answer that he was a pediatrician and they wouldn't notice that we are talking about a dead person.

I remember hearing the elevator stop at out floor, late at night and I'd think I'd hear the key turn then I'd see him coming from a long day of work like he usually did.

I remember him always telling me : "Smile now, Cry later." I remember that "later" never came as long as he was there. I remember the times he pretended to have a magic broom and told me he'd sweep everything I despise out of my life & I'd smile and say: "then all what'd be left is you."

A friend of mine told me that my dad would be aware of each and every step of my life and I should keep that in mind and try to make him proud of me.....but I don't believe that.


* This post was merely a perverse need I had to expose my ruins, my ugliness, to parade my misery, to uncover the stump of my amputated arm & force others to look at it.

I hope that exposing the outlines would help me be at peace with the rest of the things that've been living vividly in my head for 3 years now.