Mom answered the phone with that disgusting angry tone.
The reason I called was to see if she was wrapped up in coronavirus conspiracy information.
She was/is.
I also called because empathetic me is placing myself in her shoes. I should not do that as a rule with my mom. My mom doesn’t need any empathy, or so her personality tells me. My personality keeps telling me she is in her 80’s, in a long-term care home, and calling her keeps her company since I can’t go see her due to a fever here, a cough there, government recommendations for social distancing and a thing called a coronavirus pandemic.
Mom is disgusted. “You can’t even come four feet into this place without them asking if you if you’ve travelled out of the country lately.” I kind of get where she’s coming from on this one. It does seem unnecessary for the residents to keep answering those questions. “The government is making them do it.”
I calmly remind her that it is the case with all long-term care facilities right now.
Well she doesn’t understand all this fuss about the flu.
I use the term coronavirus and she says, the flu.
It’s not the flu mom, it’s a virus. She responds, yes, the flu. I let it go.
“I think they are trying to do something. They are doing this all over the world. All the governments got together . . .”
I calmly stopped her mid-sentence and said, ‘Mom you’re reading conspiracy stuff again.’
She doesn’t know what to say next.
So I simply say, ‘Mom, that’s conspiracy stuff. I have enough stress in my life without conspiracy stuff. I can’t handle conspiracy stuff.’
She quietly says with that cheshire cat I know it all grin and tone . . . “Well it’s true.”
I respond calmly, “I know you believe it and think it’s true. I do not believe it and do not think it’s true.”
She responds, “Well it is true. You’ll see.”
I tell her who of the rest of us have been sick. Not the coronavirus. Nonetheless, practicing our social distancing and waiting it all out. She had no idea about schools being closed. She has no t.v., no radio, no access to news. Her choice many years ago. Television was beneath her. Some may think that’s a good idea. Well, she has her computer and it’s chuck full of her internet conspiracy religion and trust me it is not good. :(
They were having an information meeting at the home and she refuses to go near it. That’s because she’s enlightened and really knows what is going on and refuses to sit there listening to the lying propaganda.
I bring up the children and grandchildren with her and it always side-tracks her. In this state of being she is “normal.” You’d never know in a million years anything odd about her as we talk about them.
We end our discussion comfortably and I get off the phone and cry. Finally. Finally I cried. I tell Biker Dude I’d rather she be a fundamentalist Christian than this stuff.
Later that day with a very mentally ill sibling of mine in a severe mental health crisis tells me mom makes them feel crazy. It’s makes their suicidal ideation worse. Mom lays all this conspiracy stuff on my sibling and my sibling though having tried to shut it down can’t totally do so and because of co-dependency can’t completely break contact with mom. My sibling talks about how mom won’t answer her questions directly. My sibling then tells me that mom talks in riddles. To which I found myself saying:
She talks in riddles because the belief system she believes in is based on riddles that are peddled as truth. Classic brainwashing.
I found myself working hard yesterday to stay grounded. I cried a lot.
Secular Wings 
Violet: “If I were asked which country in the world hates the US the most, I would have to say it’s Canada.”
Zoe: I would say if I was asked, the U.S. does a fine job of hating itself and one another. Then maybe China and North Korea might hate you more than Canadians. Of course, I don’t know which Canadians or Canadian bloggers you are referring too.
Violet: “I don’t know why, but it seems it’s a Canadian religion to bash Americans every chance they get. You know what’s odd? I almost never hear of Americans having vitriol for our neighbors North of the boarder.”
Zoe: Almost never but sometimes?
Violet: “I notice that you never talk about your own country on this blog, but persistently harp on every flaw Americans have. I’ve read many Canadian blogs but have had to bow out of all of them for this same reason.”
Zoe: I gave up talking about my own country when my adult children assumed positions in the community and province that would expose them if people knew who their mom was and what she was writing online. That’s also when I chose the option for search engines to ignore my blog. I also moved here to this new url (14 years ago according to my WordPress Anniversary notice last week) when I made those decisions. Up and until then I was followed by bloggers all over the world in the Christian community. During that time I spoke up politically about Canada frequently as it pertained to religion, not just Christianity but often involving Islam. I wrote frequently about honour killings and wrote a long article encouraging a former Premier to outlaw Sharia law. The next day he did. Did he see my article? I don’t know. The point being I was a prolific writer and at that time unafraid in regards to my government. I have been a political person my entire life, having written to my Canadian government during my college years as well as being outspoken in the community, medical and educational system. I’ve also had politicians in my family. It’s in me. As well I have been an advocate for the abused outside the church, for those with special needs, for those who are dying and in the mental health field. At one point, I became very concerned about exposure and people figuring out who Zoe was/is. I also developed a fear because I was outspoken regarding Islam and the honour killings happening here. I was brave then. I’m not now. And though I wrote about this in a previous blog and during my busier blogging days, I was scared to death of a former friend’s “lover” who at one time was involved with (removed as this info. can still trigger me). Shortly after being verbally and abusively in written form, attacked by her, my husband had to pick me up off the floor from being shattered in a million pieces as she told me I was an abomination to the Lord and responsible for raising and immoral and corrupt generation of children. Narcissists love to hit you where your strengths are. Meanwhile she’s carrying on an affair with a converted preacher (removed this info. as it is still triggering) guy. But I’m the abomination. And just sharing that there is too much information to put in a blog.
In my 30’s I fought for my life with severe illness, spending almost 2 years in bed, only later to be hospitalized and fighting for my life sick with intestinal disease as well as battling a body and mind that were deteriorating. If I’m not mistaken, you suffer as well. In my 40’s I began to deconstruct my religion and belief system understanding that I was falling apart emotionally and mentally due to Christian abuse and felt the extreme weight of guilt and shame for having taken part in it, raising my children in it, losing friends over it and being active in youth ministry. As well, I began to develop deep understanding of the roots of original trauma from my youth. I’ve never been the same since. This blog is read by maybe 6 people though all kinds of people *follow* it and commenting here is at a minimum. You have been privy I believe to some of my password protected posts and know some of the shit I’ve been through. You also know I’m not a human being who ignores the humanity of other people.