1. this.

2. woke up with this in my head.

3. yesterday, i had this idea that it was all slowly fading, like (1) on this list.

4. apparently, that’s just a sign that it’s not.

5. this morning feels like a cold dew has settled on the grass of my life, as a reminder that.

6. you’re not actually here.

7. you’re far away in a foreign place.

8. that weird and soggy coating.

9. is actually just my inability to let go.

10. how could i any way?

11. letting go of this would mean letting go of me.

12. and we both know it’s lonely out there.

 

the aromas have faded.

over the years

the significant scents have faded into the ether

you’d find that hilarious now, considering our respective fartisms.

but you always smelt like home to me.

like I’d just got home from the crazy world and beyond my front door there lay this scent.

that calmed me.

 

but those are gone now.

there’s just pictures and words and shared hysteria over the things that won’t matter in five years’ time.

you’ve no idea how much the pictures and words and shared hysteria mean to me nowadays.

i think of them, obsessively.

 

like I’ve built a house in my head that’s not even there.

but this life is not a scent anymore.

it’s bigger.

and i worry that one day we won’t have space for the little things anymore.

like where you can say “ice cream” and i’ll know.

or where a toasted cheese sandwich is not just a sandwich.

it never really was one anyway.

and we’re the only ones who knew that.

the little secret, muddled somewhere inbetween what someone else calls a quick dinner.

i’d make you a sandwich any day.

call & answer

I wish you’d just listen to this song and get past your shit about it.

 

“You think we’re here to play
A game of who loves more than whom

And if you call, I will answer
And if you fall, I’ll pick you up
And if you court this disaster”

 

here.