I can’t point to anything specific that made me think about this. I suppose its just subtle impressions I received by reading around the forums lately but recently I’ve been thankful for the time that’s passed since the day I placed K.
If nothing else it’s given me perspective.
It’s crazy how fast kids grown up. Time doesn’t move any differently but with kids you have a series of milestones that mark time.
And they all come too fast.
My dad put his career in neutral while we were growing up. He was a police officer and a widower with 3 young boys. His life changed in the blink of eye one day when his first wife suddenly passed away. After a few years, he married my Mom and eventually adopted my sister and I. I don’t know when he gained his perspective but he left the “street” for a desk job and arranged his hours so he could be home (as much as possible) when we were out of school. I heard him mention many times while growing up that 18 years passes in the blink of an eye and how we would spend more years under our own roofs than under his.
He wanted to make the most of it while he could.
When I placed K, 18 years seemed like forever but I knew the years would come and go and someday I would have an opportunity to know him. I never doubted that – even once. I can say now that my Dad was right. Eighteen years passed quickly even tho on paper, it felt like forever.
Back then, I was introduced to what I now believe is one of the most over used terms when it comes to adoption… It was also a term against which I had no defense…
Best interests.
K could be raised in a home with a Mom and Dad who were married, were financially secure, and “really nice people” according to the attorney.
The alternative was that he would be raised by a teenaged mother who had yet to graduate high school, couldn’t go to college and would enter the work force at minimum wage.
Back then, adoption was in K’s best interests and I would be selfish for thinking anything else. Of course today, some of the very same people that told me these things regularly assure me that I could have raised K and would have done a good job of it.
That’s perspective and unfortunately it came too late.
Here’s another another popular use of “best interests”.
“OA is the best interests of the child”
I think most of us believe this but do we know why? Does an infant, toddler or preschooler really care if they see their birth mom once or twice a year? There may be some deep Primal Wound psychology I’m missing but I would have to say that as long as they have loving parents there probably isn’t any immediate benefit to OA.
What about when they’re 5? If they were told their story, I’m sure the curiosity increases but if they were in a CA situation I’m sure that most wouldn’t spend valuable playtime worrying about their situation.
How about at 10 or 15? More questions arise and curiosity may grow deeper. By 20, 25, 30, (insert whatever age here) many start to look. Some are happy with what they find, some are shocked and disappointed. Some are turned away, others are embraced and most are overwhelmed at some point in the process.
Which is where my K is today.
So when I read about OA’s in terms of best interests, I think about my perspective 26 years later and how all of this could have been avoided if we had an OA – even one with the most minimum of direct contact (i.e. letters or email).
I read the troubled reunion stories and see the guilt, hurt feelings, secrecy, insecurities, and down right uncomfortable process of getting to know someone you have feelings for.
Or think you should have feelings for…
Or want to have feelings for….
Or feel guilty for having no feelings at all.
I see so much emotional confusion in these stories…
So, is OA in the best interests of the child? Maybe… But recently I have come to the conclusion that maybe it’s better said that OA is the best interests of the adult that the child will become.
Of course, maybe that was the point from the beginning and I’m just late to the realization.
I know OA has benefits for young children but children don’t have a lot of issues with adoption until they get older and so many “issues” I’ve read about from the closed era could be avoided with even the most basic OA – not to mention hours of therapy that could have been avoided.
So for me that’s perspective and I wish I had it 26 years ago.
I believe it when I read how hard OA’s can be. I can imagine how scary they are when first considering adoption. I can see how the general public doesn’t understand why anyone would agree to such a thing. But they’re thinking about today, not 18 years from today. Childhood goes by fast and children live far beyond the 18 year OA commitment that bparents and aparents negotiate.
It’s the adopted adult who lives with the aftermath of contact – or lack of it which ever the case may be. I’m not talking about forcing anything on a reluctant teenager, just safe open lines of communication between all members of the triad, in whatever form best fits the particular situation.
When I read stories of how contact (of any form) is not in the “best interests” of the child because of lifestyle choices of the bparents, or the frustrations that arise when contact is no longer welcome, or that it’s too much, too overwhelming, too inconvenient, too whatever… I find myself thinking…
They just don’t have perspective…
Or 18 years of it…
Or faced reunion…
Yet…
Filed under: Adoption in General, My Experience, Open Adoption | Leave a comment »
Road To Reunion and Other Stuff 