1. THE MADNESS IN MAKING CHOICES

“People just  blindly  grabbed  at  whatever  there  was:  communism, health foods,  zen, surfing,  ballet, hypnotism,  group  encounters, orgies,  biking,  herbs, Catholicism, weight-lifting,  travel,  withdrawal,  vegetarianism,  India,  painting,  writing,  sculpting, composing,  conducting,  backpacking,  yoga,  copulating,  gambling,  drinking,  hanging  around, frozen  yogurt,  Beethoven, Bach,  Buddha,  Christ, TM, H, carrot  juice,  suicide,  handmade  suits, jet  travel,  New  York City,  and  then it  all  evaporated and fell  apart.  People  had to find things  to do while  waiting to die. I  guess  it  was  nice  to have  a  choice.” 

CHARLES BUKWOSKI IN WOMEN

2. THE FRINGE BENEFITS OF FAILURE

“It is impossible to live
without failing at something,
unless you live so cautiously
that you might as well not
have lived at all – in which
case, you fail by default.”

J.K. ROWLING

3. THE MORALITY OF GRIEF AND THE ESSENCE OF LOSS

“Grief can destroy you –or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.”

DEAN KOONTZ IN ODD HOURS

4. BOURNE DELUSION

“The easiest thing in the world
is to convince yourself that
you are right. As one grows
older, this is easier still.”

ROBERT LUDLUM IN BOURNE IDENTITY

5. BEING RIGHT NO MATTER THE COST

“I’m alone and outgunned,
scared and inexperienced,
but I’m right.”

JOHN GRISHAM IN THE RAINMAKER

6. WHEN YOU GET DRUNK IN A PARTY

“I don’t know half of you half
as well as I should like; and
I like less than half of you
half as well as you deserve.”

R.R. TOLKIEN IN LORD OF THE RINGS 1

7. WHAT IT TAKES TO LIVE

“To live in the world without
becoming aware of the
meaning of the world is like
wandering about in a great
library without touching the
books.”

DAN BROWN IN THE LOST SYMBOL

8. TO WIN A PULITZER PRIZE

“All you have to do [to win a Pulitzer Prize] is spend your life running from one awful place to another, write about every horrible thing you see. The civilized world reads about it, then forgets it, but pats you on the head for doing it and gives you a reward as appreciation for changing nothing.”

DAVID BALDACCI IN THE CHRISTMAS TRAIN

9. ANOTHER DRUNKARD’S TALE

“If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn’t. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn’t be. And what it wouldn’t be, it would. You see?”

LEWIS CARROLL IN ALICE’S ADVENTURE IN WONDERLAND

10. OUR PUBLIC LIBRARIES

“And on the subject of burning books: I want to congratulate librarians, not famous for their physical strength or their powerful political connections or their great wealth, who, all over this country, have staunchly resisted anti-democratic bullies who have tried to remove certain books from their shelves, and have refused to reveal to thought police the names of persons who have checked out those titles.

So the America I loved still exists, if not in the White House or the Supreme Court or the Senate or the House of Representatives or the media. The America I love still exists at the front desks of our public libraries”

KURT VONNEGUT IN A MAN WITHOUT A COUNTRY

11. HERE’S TO THE WRITERS

“You artists think you’re the only ones who can relate to these things. Many of us have the same feelings, the same emptiness, the same loneliness. But we don’t have the tools to verbalize them. So we carry on, we struggle. Feelings are feelings. I think people’s feelings are pretty much the same all over the world”

PATRICIA CORNWELL IN POSTMORTEM

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Most nights, you lie in the darkness, silent and blank, listening to the nightmarish sound of your landlord’s power generating set filtering through the only window of the single room you live in with your parents. You lie there, still, as you listen to the crazy voice of your parents quarreling and arguing about what the next meal should be, their voice rising like rock music played by orcs and wildlings. Then you hear it, a mighty slap as of thunder, you mum screams, you lie there, still; not moving. You hear it again, another slap, followed by punches, you feel the ground vibrate, you open your eye slightly and there beside you, is your mum, sprawled on the floor, voice wailing, eyes flowing, blood oozing, a lamb to the slaughter. You are crying, your mum is crying, the neighbors are shouting and your dad screams, “SHUT UP!!!” Everything is a madhouse, a slaughterhouse. You lie there on the floor, eyes shut, still as death.

Finally, you sleep and the dreams appear, you are running but running too slow, you move your legs but your legs are too heavy, there is something beside you, a big giant. You can see its horns and its big ugly eyes, it called your name, you hear the voice and it’s the voice of your dad. You fall and the demon is on you, punching, slapping, biting, you look around and find yourself in your room, the demon grabs the lantern and BANG!! On your head, you feel the kerosene dripping down your head to your neck. You wake up. The nightmare is over, another is about to start.

You feel something liquid on your face, it’s not kerosene, it’s your sister’s piss drawing liquid lines of frustration, congestion and poverty across the 25 year old bed your dad used when he was a bachelor. Suddenly you remember your school uniform is under the bed left there to straighten up because the iron doesn’t work. That’s when the tears start falling. You sniff the uniform; it smells of piss, the repulsive odor of madness

You are in school, sitting very straight, eyes open, looking but totally lost, the weirdest of the weirdest kid, smelling of piss and the aura of madness. Teacher calls your name, no answer, you are lost, calls your name again, no answer. Teacher walks up to you and gives you a slap, you grab the teacher by the collar and KA BLAM! She’s on the floor, you are punching, a replay of your dream, this time you are the demon and you liked it. Your dad is summoned, he looks you straight in the eye and said 6 words, just 6 “you would meet me at home” you grab your rosary and say you last prayer cos you know, a grave is waiting for you at home, a grave filled with madness and tiny grains of insanity.

Years later, you are married with a good job and 2 kids, twins, 5 years old. Then it happened, that day your wife came home late, you asked

“where have you been?”

“I went for a programme” (Wrong answer)

“Where is my food?”

“Give me a moment, I’ll just warm it”   (Wrong answer)

“Have the kids eaten?”

“No but……, a slap, 2 slaps, 3, 4, 5 and SLAM! She’s on the floor. Your kids are crying. Suddenly you see it, all the madness all the insanity, it’s a vicious cycle, a game of Russian roulette. You shake your head ever so shamefully as the tears flow freely down your cheeks to the concrete, each drop a slap to your humanity. You walked to your wife, you went on your knees and begged, it won’t happen again you said. It didn’t happen again because she left, got a lawyer and sued you ass.

There is madness everywhere, that madness needs a cure!!!

It took a cousin of mine to realize this. I have always being a nice guy, going to varying degree of length to please people much to my own detriment. I am that kind of guy that would make a girl laugh her head off on a first date, light candles, pay the bills,pour the wine, open doors and everything nice a guy can do for a girl. I am that kind of guy that would obey all the rules of my parents,even the insane and over protective rules. I am a ‘pleaser’ always trying to please everyone, always trying not to hurt anyone.

But that stopped when i met my cousin brother. He is 20, cute, short hair, a barritone voice that reminds you of Russian soldiers,eyes that seem like you are gazing into the eyes of a dove and nice. At first, it was nice to meet a fellow guy like me, we went along well, he was nice to me and i was nice to him, then i began to discover something. His parents hated him, his siblings disregarded him and i became easily annoyed around him. Why? you may ask. Simple! Because he was nice, he would greet you more than three times in the morning, offers to help you always no matter what you are doing, he would apologise without second thought even when he was not at fault, he obeyed everything his parents told him, yet he was less loved. He so wanted desperately to please everyone.

That was when the realization hit me, i’v been like this guy all my life, and i’ve suffered just like him. I’ve been insulted, ignored, bullied, cheated just because i was nice, just because i didn’t want anyone to feel any pain or get angry.

Well, all that is over now, i am no longer that nice guy they know, now i can get angry when i should without giving a damn what you think, i can keep my unsolicited help till you ask and even when you ask i’m training myself to refuse to help you if i know i won’t get something in return or if it wont be reciprocated in anyway possible. I am now a badass mother*ucker and i’m sure as hell feeling good about it, better than i’ve ever felt. Yesterday, i had my first exchange of words with my dad and watching the surprise on his face was like an orgasm to me.

I might still light candles for you, make you laugh on dates, maybe i’ll pay the bills and would open the doors if i was closer to it than you, i’ll help you if you genuinely need it but i would damn well scream at you if you make me angry, i’ll vent, i’ll break rules and when it’s the right time, i’ll apologise. I just want you to know, if i’m not happy doing it, i won’t do it. I am done being nice and you should too.