Even when travelling, if there is a beach nearby and I’ve got a spare thirty or forty minutes, I find myself on a beach.

This weekend I was reminded of the truth that it’s not what we do, but how we do it that counts.

This weekend my beach walk was a little crowded. I took along my three delightful but sometimes noisy girls, a gorgeous but fairly active labrador, went at the peak dog walking time, on a beach where the tide was in, and it was NOT one of my favourite experiences.

It was noisy, and complicated, and overly social, and I found that what I really love about my beach walks, whether walking solo or with someone else, is a peace that lets my mind relax, unwind and gain a bit of perspective.

I like quite voices, a stilled mind, slow breaths in and out in air fresher than anywhere else.

I love the sand beneath my feet, unadulterated by hundreds of other’s footprints, and the sun touching my shoulders, my face, and of course (in Auckland) Rangitoto.

My favourite is a near empty beach with the sun rising over the water, the air on my face, the day full of new possibilities.

I no longer will blindly say one of my favourite things is walking the beach. There are too many variables that can steal away from it’s place as my best thing to do.

Because it is not what we do, but how we do it.

I walked into my room and said a little thank you to “Monday Rachel”.

We’ve been a bit of a nomadic family over the last few weeks and that pattern is only increasing. Home has begun to be a place where a few loads of washing are done, some chores and then it’s off again.

Monday was chore day- including changing the sheets. I was tired, and busy, and contemplated not finishing making the bed- and then I thought… hmm “Wednesday Rachel” will really appreciate the bed being made when she gets home.

Wednesday Rachel completely did!

There is something nice about the present you, doing something now to bless future you. It might be saving some funds for a special event, going to the gym, saying no to cake (within reason present me!) or doing a job now rather than procrastinating.

Becoming aware of moments choices in the past have positively impacted my present is definitely motivating me to make better choices every day.

Friday Rachel is doing chores today in fact, because Tuesday Rachel will be really glad she did.

Bet she’ll be even more appreciated than Monday Rachel was!

As a person, I wasn’t a natural reflector. I didn’t like to slow down. If I made a mistake or if something didn’t go to plan, the key action from my feet was to do into something new. My plan was to just explore all the different options until I hit pay dirt.

As strategies go, – well it can go well, or  can go very badly. Sometimes it meant I hit gold fast, and other times, it meant I went round in round in circles, coming up against the same old mountain disguised with a new hat and glasses. Sometimes I preferred to keep on knocking on closed doors, because that was the way I wanted to go, instead of letting go, and just enjoying a journey towards the new.

About eighteen months ago I began to change my methods. I started to slow down, stop, reflect. I started to look at my input, and then look at my output. What was working? What plainly wasn’t?

I found this slowing down and becoming more aware began to positively affect my head space, and then this began to change my life. I changed habits, I focussed on only maintaining things that made me feel better (not in a hedonistic rush way, but more of a soulful yes), and I dropped things or situations that did not positively serve me, or fit me.

It’s a journey of a thousand tiny steps. It’s slow, and it’s evolving. But it’s a happy journey when you become mindful and start to slow down, reflect, and then make incremental changes.

There is a great deal written and said about mindfulness. I’ve not read a great deal on it – I’m very much a person who prefers to find my way, rather than another’s. But I do know the more I’ve taken time to know me, and to focus on my own thoughts and actions, rather than the actions of others, I’ve begun also to really know others.  I’ve begun to see myself grow, and out of that my life has grown.

I used to think the practice of reflection as a teacher was a bit boring and unnecessary. Now I see it as a natural and essential part of finding happiness, success and fulfillment.

He said “Can you just give me a tea cup cos I’m getting ready to die”

“My life’s already done, pass it on to some one else….”

I said “But what’s the point of living, if there’s no life to be lived?”

He said “As long as I’m just breathing, I consider that my gift

“My life’s already done, pass the bucket on and on..”

So I looked at him and I cried

For the life he’s allowed to die

And then I walked from his life

Cos my love don’t fit inside

I too have sat inside a fragment of a life already lived

And thought over all my options not letting any hopefulness in

In my past my life was done, victim of another’s sins

If you can’t enliven your own journey you sure can’t see the magic in store

I can’t be hoping for some sunshine while I’m slamming every door

Times gone when I’d fight for change, got to come from you my man

So I looked at you and I cried

For the life you’ve allowed to die

And then I walked from your life

Cos my love don’t fit inside

I still hope the words that we have flown will rest inside your heart and mind

And maybe settle in and flutter up over the walls you’ve built inside

See each day in its own right, fill a lifetime every night

For me, well I will keep on travelling, with the light I carry inside

It’s made to fill a bigger bucket, than the tiny teacup you’ve pried

From the doors of death itself. Made to fit on a lonely shelf.

And I looked at you and I cried

For the life you’ve allowed to die

And then I walked from your small life

Cos my love don’t fit inside

I would have given you my life

But it didn’t fit inside….

Sometimes we get a clear NO. It might come with a little disappointment, though for me I like NO as it means it’s reduced an already large pile of opportunities and adds focus.

And sometimes we get a clear YES – That we know something in an instant, and everything falls into place.

But more often than not, we get “SLOW”

Our life is often spent in large periods of transition, and often it’s only when we stop trying to push or pull us through the process faster that we discover the NO or the YES on the other side of it.

Sometimes it’s not time to act because there are other people involved, or because we are still learning from something, or we’ve not got all the bits we need.

We often try and explain it away with justification, but often we don’t know why we aren’t moving on something. We are treading water, because there is a piece that needs to shift, and it hasn’t yet.

I love a direct YES or NO.

But the parts of my life that are on SLOW are good too. They WILL shift at some point.

I just need to let them be, and focus on the bits that are moving and changing. It all happens at the right time, for reasons that are often beyond us to understand.

The trick is to just know to act when it turns out it was waiting for a red light, or for that go go go green light.

Cos then it’s all systems GO.

In the last year, I’ve been learning to look at something that hasn’t been pleasant for me (anything I’ve objected to or not found an instantly amazing thing), and instead of looking for someone to blame, or focussing on the negative attributes of that situation, I’ve asked “How is my reaction to this highlighting something in me that could change?” or “What’s really going on here?”

As I’ve done that, I’ve started to grow and change. I’m not looking to pass on blame or make it someone else’s fault. It’s not my job to change your worldview, or change the way you see me or judge me – but it is my job to walk in my own values, and to honour myself.

My friend was asking “If I am doing all this work in this area, why do the same old problems crop up. Does it mean I’m either not changed, or I’m destined to have these issues for the rest of my life?”

I asked her – “Are you reacting to them in the same way?”

And she isn’t. She is growing, learning to adjust her behaviour, and her reactions, and from that, there is change. She’s not maintaining relationships with people who show little respect for her. She’s not trying to prove her worth to someone else. She’s learning to walk away.

For me this has also been a steady process. It’s not be a instant fix. And at each stage in trying to nail a particular behaviour that has led to issues in the past, I’ve been faced with situations that highlight to me my progress in learning.

It’s kind of like a video game- you get more and more complex levels of basically the same thing, as you progress past the small lessons.  (thanks Deb for the great analogy!)

I’m loving it. I’m loving that adversity in my eyes is helping me mark my progress, and my own development. I’m loving that it’s helping me stake markers in my journey of how I’m changing and evolving – instead of markers that show I’m just on a journey going around and around in circles.

It’s completely exciting, and it’s completely motivating.

I’ve seen more and more than life mirrors my internal journey, and as I become more aware of this, I am learning faster.

I’m not wishing adversity on myself  – but should it crop up, I AM wishing that my response to it is a little bit further along in terms of positive reaction than the last time.

And Bones is a beautiful song.

For those of you who haven’t heard it- I’ve linked you up

It’s also pretty dangerous I reckon. – for people in unhappy relationships wanting to feel like the other person is going to change miraculously into someone who sees their worth.

Not one of us on this planet should ever allow ourselves to give to the level she talks about in a relationship, and still feel so empty and lonely inside. And giving to someone while fighting for your needs to be met is not right.

I’ve been there.

Many of us have – and go back there more than once.- either to the same person (oh how I did THAT) or into relationships that have that same awkward unbalance of giving.

I know a pile of women (in particular) who’ve wanted to send that song to someone in the last few weeks- in hope they’d “get” what they do for them, that they’d see what gifts they’ve brought that the other person doesn’t see.

If instead, we focus on spending time with people (doesn’t need to be romantic) who really do see what we give as precious, who do appreciate us, who reciprocate – life is not empty, or lonely and unappreciated. It is full and happy and healthy.

Eighteen months ago I would have cried while listening to that song, wondering why I wasn’t enough. Now – I listen to it, and know I was always enough – but I was showing my “enoughness” to the wrong person. – And I’m secure I won’t ever fall into a place again where I feel I need to fight for my own needs to be met. It’s not a “right” we should have to battle for.

It’s a song. It’s just a song. But I think, if I was going to choose a song I’d prefer my own daughters to live by (and my friends and myself…) it would far more likely to be one talking about leaving someone who can’t see my worth, than crying out that I wish they’d change (because…. they won’t. ) (Maybe R.E.S.P.E.C.T  ? )

Life is really too short to spend it with people who don’t see you as the beautiful you that you are. What a waste otherwise,  of all those beautiful gifts you’re laying out!

If I could just choose four values or attributes that summed up how I most wanted to be seen, but also about who I wanted around me, what would they be?

Because I was into flowers, I looked up the meaning of the flowers and I bought a bouquet of them, then painted it and then hung it in my bedroom as a reminder of what my core values are, and how much I needed to see those same values in the key people in my life.

I’ve also started to look at how I can further embed these core values into my business. It’s already made a difference in the way I relate to my children, to my loved ones, and to anyone I interact with.

I loved discovering that  my core four values were also complimentary to those of The Marketing Company – and that increasingly people and clients who don’t have the same values just tend to want to spend less time with me.

We all have values we live by. Some of us have ones that are positive and lead to lovely things, and others of us have a less positive view. We can make a conscious effort to focus on particular values over others, or break habits by choosing new values.

Here are my four key values:

(these are not in any particular order)

PASSION: To follow your bliss, do what is in your heart to do, do it with joy and energy. To live a life of doing what moves you or stimulates you and then share that with others just as  natural outpour of who you are.

A SENSE OF WORTH: To be able to recognise your own worth, and to recognise the worth in others. To not be scared to stand up and put your name forward, to feel confident in who you are, and how amazing you are.

KINDNESS: To choose a kind word over a cross one, to do a kind thing without expecting a return, to not hold people to respond in equal measure, to be kind. And this includes- to be kind to self – to give self time to refresh and re energise, to see when tiredness or stress has impacted behaviour and learn to be kind about time out, and treats, and looking after both self and others.

But my favourite is…

GRACE: To forgive when it’s not deserved. To let go and let God, to understand we are all doing the best we can do right now, to not expect perfection but to delight in perfect grace, to not make someone or self beholden to sticking to always doing everything right all the time, but understand that we are all in a journey that may involve mistakes or misjudgments, and it’s not our job to hold any offence towards that.

These underpin my family time (family can be a value for some, but for me these things make my family what it is) , my time with friends, my time in my work, and my relationship with myself. I find the people I am drawn to have the same or similar values, and if they don’t, they tend to leave, and that is all ok. It is not my job to make someone adhere to my values – we all get to choose which ones we live by- and how we live those values out – and there are many awesome values out there that I just happen not to place as great an importance on than those four above.

Have you considered your values? What would they be do you think?