I did not realize that a few months have passed since I last posted. A lot has happened in the course of three months… well not actually. But I like to pretend. Gay engineers are just as boring and socially awkward as straight engineers. Luckily I found a man who can stand the awkwardness: he is a teacher and computer programer. That should explain a lot.

Now where did I put my tight pants?

Although, I do not know what that is. We would have to have a commitment that is not recognized by any higher authority than ourselves. I do not know of any gay examples of how I am supposed to propose to my boyfriend. I want to much to be with my boyfriend, but I do not know how. I should be receiving a bonus and I intend to use it all to purchase a platinum ring to present to my partner. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

This got me thinking back to my childhood years. I like to think that most boys think about the person who they will marry. I am sure they have thought about what kind of man or woman they will be reciting vows to and sharing that first kiss as a married couple. I know I thought about it as a boy. I also remember having a very obscure illusion of the person who would be standing along side me at the alter. I do not remember a long white dress. I do not remember a veil. I do not remember ever imagining a person with female characteristics.

I do not know if I am ready to marry yet. But I do know that I love the man I am with and I hope we can be together for a very long time.

L-O-V-E…. My parents have told me every day since I came into this world. It’s how I feel about my closest friends; my family.

But, that word sounds sweeter, stronger, and more comforting being spoken through his lips. Eighteen months later we say it to each other. I have never been in such a great place.

I love him… And he loves me.

What I have learned is that writing helps me do something that I am not so great at: expressing myself. At a young age I learned how to suppress my feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I was taught that gay men were inferior and weak; that their femininity was a result of their sin. The words queer, faggot, and gay were spoken freely in my home. Each one was like a frozen arrow penetrating my skin. It did not take long for me to become numb and apathetic. I did not want my family to learn of my attraction to other boys my age. I did not want to be viewed as week. I formed a hard shell that prevented me from becoming too close to anyone.

Writing has allowed me to open myself in ways that I have never been able to. The hard shell has slowly began to crack. I have been able to share my life and my story with strangers in a coffee shop. I have been able to be vulnerable in the arms of the man I love.

Through this, I have been able to find comfort in my own skin. I have been able to accept the man who God created me to be. I hope that in the time to come to share more of stories of my past, blessings of the present, and visions of my future.

I discovered it on To Be That Guy.

Recently we have started to talk about our long term goals. We are both working full time jobs. I am an engineer. He is an educator. We are also both in grad school part time. He is studying education. I am studying engineering. We both have a desire to be well educated and to become well respected in our chosen careers and places of employment. Because both of our career fields tend to be rather conservative arenas, we have chosen to remain in the closet and keep our relationship outside of work.

Until now…

Recently, my boyfriend has become discouraged at work. No matter how hard he tries, he can not seem to gain the support from the rest of the faculty that he desires. He feels as if he is on his own to bring his students out of the education system that teaches Texas students to settle for mediocrity. My boyfriend hates mediocrity. As a result of this discouragement, he has started to look for another job. I know that this step will take him away from our current city.

He has an idea where he wants to move to find a job. Fortunately the company I work for has an engineering team located in the same metro. Where this becomes tough is how to propose a transfer to my boss. I could share with my boss how I feel I can gain more engineering experience working with the other team. Or I can come out to my boss, share with him the long term plan to be with my boyfriend, and hope I can gain more sympathy.

I feel that having to move in order for my partner to feel more encouraged and motivated at work would be a better explanation to transfer. It holds more substance than the other reasons I can think of. What would you suggest?

“You may not understand now, but you will when you are older…”

What the hell is that supposed to mean? In fifth grade,  how was I supposed to understand my parents forcing me to continue practicing my trumpet every day. I remember I would sit along in my room and stare at the case for hours. I would eventually cave into my parents’ demands and practice for an hour. How did a 30 minute practice turn into a three hour stand-off? You could say I was stubborn. In high school I remember making a deal with my parents. I would take band  and participate in the church ensemble. In return I could participate in any school activities that I wished. I thought it was a fair agreement.

What I did not realize was that my parents were teaching me a lesson in discipline. To play an instrument, one must acquire a strong sense of discipline. Practice must take place in order to achieve excellence. In college I had to be disciplined to study for hours, sometimes all night. Even today I must remain disciplined to wake up every morning at 6am in order to prepare for a day of work.

I used to think my parents were stupid. I thought I knew everything about life. I realize now that I have a lot more to learn about life than I thought.