Yesterday, I had the honor of seeing your temple

Three small lines outlining a particular magic of your being

And I was reminded of the shame I use to carry in my own temple.

Vaginas were always a “dirty” place 

An evil never to be spoken of

A place to keep in the shadows

And, sadly, sometimes a place forced to carry scars and silent tears

Hidden in the shadows of somebody else’s violence.

And it was at that moment

When I saw your growing vagina 

That I vowed to you 

To always show love

And cherish this facet of your womynhood…

To show you that

No matter what they say

Your body is yours 

And all parts of you are sacred.

I want to help you embrace your magic…

As you have helped me to embrace my own

So my daughter; 

Never fear your vagina

Never hate her 

Or shame her 

Or hesitate to give her what she needs 

For all she gives you

Are blessings. 

Look to the moon

To remember your strength 

And the goddess power 

That lies below 

I used to wake up to alarms and street noises

Yells from neighbors

Trash cans clanging

I used to sleep until 10 in the morning

Slightly hungover from the night before

I used to be able to wake up and go about my business

As fast or slow as I wished

Morning rituals

Of showers, big breakfasts and large bowls

I used to be able meditate

At any time of day

Or make love at whim…

Until she came

And changed everything…

And though it seems I may be missing out

When my mornings went from being about me

To feedings and diaper changes

Spending more time getting her to sleep and keeping her asleep

Than sleeping myself

When my 10 ams were replaced by 5-6-7ams

With only four hours of sleep under my belt..on a good night

Though it may seem, even to myself, that I am missing out

I have never felt this full

Or been witness to so many sun rises

Or had the honor of being cuddled on all night long

By arms so beautiful and full of life

Or discovered the magic of breath

The medicine of deep inhalations…

Or known the light that lies in baby smiles

Even at 3 in the morning…

I used to wake up to alarms and street noises…

Now I wake to tiny kicking feet and big toothless smiles…

This is better

On the night of December twentieth I had a strong desire to create. So I sat down and started werking on some new pieces for the lunar hustle come back. I went for a couple of hours but started to tire about 1230am the following morning. I got up and went to bed. As I moved to complete my bedtime rituals, I felt a heaviness settling deeper into my pelvis and I wondered if you were telling me something, telling me to get ready, you were on your way. It was 130 in the morning when I felt my first contraction. Your energy was starting to surge, awakening my womb for preparation. After an hour and three contractions later, I woke up your father. The rest of that night was spent walking, meditating and sharing visions of what was to come next.

Daylight rolled around bringing the love and magic of our doula Sumayyah. We spent the afternoon hydrating with a concoction of coconut water, grapefruit slices and chia seeds. Your energy got stronger. Eventually, we went for a walk by the lake where we ran into Francis, another beautiful warrior womyn in our lives, we all decided to indulge in some bomb Indian food at house of curries. After more time was spent watching the sunset over the lake, we came home, your energy continuing to grow. Surprisingly I was able to get a couple hours of sleep in between contractions.

As the night turned into day, your force grew with the rising sun and I kept thinking about the surreality of it all, you would be earth side soon.

You started your story on a holy day, shared with the new moon and the winter solstice. Both offering time to set intentions and create visions of the magic we want for our lives. It was the twenty-second of December, my grandmothers birthday and I could feel her presence with us. The power of your ancestors helping to move us forward, closer to each other. Sumayyah came back with the morning and the day was filled with meditation, focus and a constant upward surge in your movements.

We hit what they call “active” labor around 8am…the contractions were about five minutes apart, soon to be three minutes apart. I was moving around the apartment. Rocking back and forth, squatting, thrusting, circling my hips, getting down on all fours…all trying to help ease you into the world.

Around 6pm it was time to go to the hospital. We started out and I thought you might be born in the car when we got stuck in traffic. But we made it and checked into triage, I was 6cm dilated and thought about the other soon to be mamas in triage and everywhere who were sharing this experience with me and that left me with the most beautiful visions of womyn and our children laughing and running and playing. Not having to worry about the poison of this system or the scars it leaves in our deep tissues. I had visions of you doing summer salts in the sunshine and chasing butterflies, making art together with sisters and community, celebrating your first moon cycle, smoking trees. My spirit swelled with these images. I was ready.

We were put into the delivery room and met the doctor who would help bring you earth side…she was…a bitch…but let’s not focus on the negative. She was a very small part of our beautiful experience. We set the room to make it as comfortable as possible. Yoga mat on the floor, yoga ball at the ready, LED candle lights illuminating the space we were about to make sacred. I had my stones and oils to keep me calm and centered. As time increased so did your attempts to wiggle further down. Nausea and excitement filled my body space. I was getting tired. Your father and Sumayyah kept me going. Kept me strong. Love moves and believe me when I tell you, I would have been stagnant without theirs.

Time danced on…it was about 2am, 8 hours since we got to the hospital, when I asked the nurse to check my dilation again. I was 8 1/2 cm now. I remember feeling slightly disappointed, hoping we would have been further along after so much time. But with the love of community and the power of the solstice, ancestors and new moon I was able to bring myself out of my head and back into my body. This was my story, our story and she was moving and progressing just as she should.

This is when the doctor came in; trying her hardest to scare me into unnecessary medical interventions. She was trying to convince me I couldn’t bring you earth side with my own power. You responded with a contraction that shut her up with a bye girl bye.

Suddenly it was about 6am, I was exhausted. Nearly ready to give up when I thought to myself; if it took eight hours to get from 6 to 8 1/2 cm, then I had to be fully dilated at 10cm after the four hours that just passed. Your sleeping daddy woke up randomly just as You and my body were letting me know it was time to push…so I started.

I gave my first push and my water broke…splashing on your fathers pants. The rest of your coming is kind of a blur of screams, movement and anticipation.
I tuned out all the sounds around me, caught in the rapture of my breaths and thoughts of you, but I’m told you came in to Maxwells this Womyns work and Lauryn Hills sweetest thing. I remember reaching down and touching the top of your head as you started to descend. I remember feeling what they call “the ring of fire” as the rest of your head pushed through my yoni and I thought to myself “now I just have to get the shoulders and you’re out!” One big push and you were here. It took all of twenty minutes. At 6:27 am I was looking down at you covered in all the fluids that kept you safe and warm for the past ten months and five daze.

Your daddy was crying and to be honest, I’m surprised I wasn’t. My tears came later, in that moment I was just looking at you in awe. Here you were, my daughter. 7lbs 10oz and 20.4in of magic blessed by new moons, winter transitions, ancestors, and shared birthdaze with warrior womyn. The air was thick and I felt overcome with emotions. They told me I could never have you, that you were not possible and yet I was holding you in my arms, nuzzling you against my breasts, and hearing your roars sounding our triumph. You were the most beautiful sight I ever saw. I felt like I could look down at you forever. Your dad cut your umbilical cord and that was it….we did it…the adventure of pregnancy was over. They told me I couldn’t carry you and I did. They said you wouldn’t hold out until after my finals and you did. They said we couldn’t bring you earth side without drugs and we did, while keepin it cute the whole time.

We are warriors. We are art and strength and life and sunshine and moonlight. We are so much, we are full, we are love.

Welcome to the world Lanita Renė…this is just the beginning.

i sit

eyes closed

with earth clay on my face

healing

i feel two heartbeats

radiating

pulsing

loving, through my veins

i’ve been dreaming of your eyes

what color they may be

the shape and contour

the fullness of your lashes

the size of your pupils

the thickness of your lids…

i dream of the magic they will carry

opening into galaxies

of your ancestors and creators

carrying the stars of your grandmother…and mine…

protecting…

i dream of the first time your eyes will fall on me

the honor lying in that gaze

the swelling of our heartbeats…

my dearest warrior~~~

i love you

There is growth inside me

a sprouting of seeds

in a place i was told was dead

by scars that hold childhood nightmares

of dark shadows and hot whispers

ripping into my ears

a daggered love

that was not love at all

and yet here you are…

growing

and i don’t know how to feel

about a creation of cosmos and soil

that i had made peace with never being able create

and i wonder if it’s okay to want you…

i saw your heart beating

and i wonder if it’s okay to want you

white jade in my hands

i sit under the sun and wind

…and pray…

pray to the earth mother for guidance

and the moon for clairity

i feel with the rise and fall of my swelling breasts

a sense of fear and doubt, but also wonder

expanding with my womb…

i wonder what you would look like

what magic you would carry

what art you would make

what revolutionary song you would sing~~~

maybe it is okay to want you

…

after all, a wise warrior once said;

“the hacksaw has two blades.

the shotgun has two barrels.

we are pregnant with freedom

we are a conspiracy.”

i like to watch you while you sleep

some consider that strange

and i guess it is…

but there’s just something 

in the way morning rays light your face

like a beautiful picture

to beautiful to capture

yet, i want to carry it with me for the rest of today

…

as i watch your eye move under closed lids

and your chest rise and fall…rhythmically

i imagine your dreams

how they may be

some hard that require healing

and some of pure magic brought on by wishes and mary

i wonder if you ever dream of your mother

how she held and kissed you

how she laughed and scolded

and laughed some more

i never had the honor but she looks like she liked to laugh

i like to think you’re dreaming of her

and when you wake, maybe this morning you’ll remember…

i like to watch you while you sleep

some consider that strange

and i guess it is…

but i haven’t written anything in months

and just following the peaks and valleys of your resting face

was enough to spark inspiration..

so i guess i’ll settle for strange

shadows from hidden places in my childhood

my mothers voice trying to convince me that no one besides her really cares 

that trust and love and magic 

are things only found in blood ties

i can’t really blame her though

she was just trying to dodge her own dark shadows

by grasping onto life she created.

. . . 

i have wrestled with demons of worthlessness

anger

distrust

fear

 all my life

sometimes i win.

sometimes i lose and retreat into myself.

today i lost.

but thats okay

because the solstice is blessing me 

my sisters are guiding me

and when i can’t find enough spirit to love myself 

the moon always does.

and through these tears 

i see a way to heal.

i sit with the sun in this late morning

creating spells

that, today, 

i will release any insecurity that makes me feel unworthy…

i sit under dusk and stars

the muscles of my womb contracting

usually, i lye in bed 

plugged with cotton and feeling everything less than desirable

but tonight

i sit 

allowing my moon to flow freely

concentrating the pain into a release of survival’s traumas

particularly on those around my childhood….

though i’m not completely rid of physical and spiritual discomfort

i must say

i feel beautiful.

together we walk
like warriors
sisters of the cosmos
with daydreams of sea magic
and shameless love for our cunts
sharing laughter and inspirations
healing
the wounds left by patriarchy
we cultivate revolution
between our breasts and our ovaries
we are power
i love you