Index of Comics

Pete:  (Smoking.)

Pete:  So what does an intelligent plant want?
Pete:  (Take over the world) (legs) (compost) (pet beetle) (meaning of life)
Pete:  Decisions, decisions.

Pete:  Legs.  I need legs.
Pete:  Nnnggh
       POP
Pete:  Roots?  I demand a refund.

Pete:  (No legs.  Roots.  What can I do with roots.)
Pete:  (Lets face it Pete.  You're done for.)
Pete:  (Stuck in one place forever...)

Pete:  (No legs.  Rooted to one spot.)
Pete:  (Hang on.  The scenery's changed.)
Pete:  Legs!  I knew my plan would work.

Pete:  I've got legs.  Now for some compost.
Pete:  Actually, I'll take over the world first.
Pete:  That way getting compost will be easy.

Fly:   Why should you be ruler?
       SNAP
Pete:  Any other questions?

Pete:  Bow before me, worm.
Hora:  No
Pete:  No?
Pete:  Ah, brains!  Do you want to work for me?

Pete:  You shall be my number two.
Hora:  What's in it for me?
Pete:  Well, you can wear this pretty red hat...

Hora:  So I have to terrorise people.
Pete:  And in return you get this hat...
Hora:  I'll do it if you keep the hat.
Pete:  Deal.

Hora:  Where did you get that hat from, anyway?
Pete:  It was by the empty table over there.
Hora:  What the ... forget I asked.

Pete:  All in sight accept me as leader.
Hora:  You can only see far enough to spot us two, though.
Pete:  I rule.
Hora:  Yay.

Pete:  Go worm!  Find me more subjects.
Hora:  My name happens to be 'Horatio the Worm'.
Pete:  Go worm!  Find me more subjects.
Hora:  Okay, okay.

Hora:  I found a ladybird.
Pete:  Terrorise her.
Hora:  Will you go out with me?
Hora:  She's cowering.

Emma:  (He asked me to go out with him.)
Emma:  (He asked me to go out with him.)
Emma:  Yes.

Emma:  Do you come here often?
Hora:  No.  This is the first time.
Hora:  In fact.  I haven't a clue what any of this is.
Hora:  This bright thing ... I'll call it fire.

Cliff: Ah!  There it is.
Emma:  What the ...?
Hora:  Beats me.

Hora:  Right.  We lost dinner.
Emma:  Now what?
Ho/Em: We eat!

       After eating...
       Rustle, Rustle
Hora:  Have a nice day...
Emma:  Penalty card.  That's the badger.

Hora:  Right.  Now to get the table...
Emma:  How?
Hora:  Insurance.
Emma:  You can't insure.  It wasn't even yours.
Hora:  Shh.  Please.  I have an idea.

Emma:  A ruler must be able to keep law and order.
Emma:  Track down the dinner thief.
Emma:  You don't get out of it that easily.

Pete:  (We've walked for hours and haven't found the thief.)
Pete:  (We've travelled for hours and noone's challenged my leadership.)
Pete:  I rule!
Hora:  You'll get used to this...

Pete:  Worm.  You must be faster to catch the thief.
Pete:  Ah.  A bobby on the beetle.  Good to see.

Pete:  You!  Stop thief!
Hora:  Return our table.
Cliff: What?  The tables was mine.
Hora:  Finders keepers.  Now give it back.

Pete:  You stole their dinner.
Pete:  So it is just that I eat you.
Pete:  (It's nonsense, but I like this line of thought.)

Cliff: You can't eat me.  I'm your creator.
E/P/H: (What?)
Pete:  This stops me eating you how?

Cliff:  It's trues.  I'm a mad scientist.
Cliff:  I wasn't clever enough to make good invention.
Cliff:  So Is designed an intelligence ray.

Cliff: I gave you intelligence.
Pete:  So?  Why shouldn't I eat you?
Cliff: (I gaves him a one track mind.)

Cliff: So you want to eats your creator.
Cliff: Mary Shelley, eat yours heart out.
Pete:  Who is she?  I'll do that for her.

Pete:  Why are you like that?
Cliff: When young, I suffered a chemical accident.
Cliff: So, like any others sane person, I became a mad scientist.
Cliff: OK.  Insane Persons!

Pete:  No.  Why are you so small?
Cliff: The intelligences ray.  It worked...
Cliff: ...but shrank me.  I need helps.
Cliff: Please?

Pete:  (My plans + intelligence ray.)
Pete:  (= plans that work = WORLD DOMINATION!)
Pete:  We could form an excellent partnership.

Hora:  I thought I was your partner.
Pete:  You are.  We're all a team.
All:   A team.
Pete:  And I'm the team leader.

Cliff: I ams taking over the world.  I should leads.
Pete:  No.  I will rule it.
Emma:  Can't you wait until you've got it?
Pe/Cl: No!

Cliff: I shalls lead.
Pete:  No.  I will lead.
Cliff: You can lead nows if I can rule the world.
Pete:  Deal.
Pe/Cl: (Sucker.)

Pete:  Where is the ray?
Cliff: Oh, there.
Cliff: I saids I needed help.
Pete:  (Plan B - I eat him.)

Cliff: You must simply press the button lableds 'QXReset'.
Pete:  You know I can't read.
Cliff: The blue one theres.

Cliff: Press the blue button, and the world will be yours oyster.
Pete:  But I don't like oysters.
Cliff: Then ignore it.
Pete:  "The world will be yours."  I like it.

Pete:  We've got your table.  Now fly up and press the blue button.
Emma:  But I can't fly.
Cliff: Hello?  Wings?
Emma:  Wings?  I thought they were umbrellas.

Emma:  Right - here goes.
       Flap Flap Flap Flap
       THUMP
Emma:  My parents never taught me...

Pete:  Higher...
Pete:  I said higher!
Hora:  I'm trying.
Pete:  Higher, damn it!

Pete:  (Not much use ... but that was fun.)

Emma:  I don't care if I'm lighter...
Emma:  whether it will help me fly...
Emma:  I said NO!

Cliff: I need someones heavier.  Could you...
Pete:  Hows that ... Ugh.

Pete:  (Ha!)
Pete:  I hit it!
Pete:  (It got revenge...)

Cliff: Excellents!  Now do that whens the ray is pointed ats us.
Pete:  Forgot to mention?
Cliff: Is said sorry.

Emma:  I wonder if the ray hit anything.
Hora:  Doubt it.  Besides, what harm can intelligence do?
Emma:  I dread to think...

AntH:  Work, Work, Work, Work, Work.
AntH:  Strike, Strike, Strike, Strike!

Queen: What is the meaning of this?
Mill:  We have worked without pay for too long.
Queen: What do you want me to pay?
Mill:  None of your trick questions!

Mill:  What do we want as pay?
Dilig: Well, I quite like doing work.

Mill:  We demand extra work as pay.
Queen: Then you shall have it.
Mill:  Hold on - who's paying for this extra work?

Queen: I'll give ants returning to their jobs free work.
AntH:  Hooray!
AntH:  Work, Work, Work, Work, Work.

Cliff: (Must distracts him...)
Cliff: Wait!  Is can show you the internet.
Cliff: I'll admits, I never understood people obaying commands to wait.

       GAH
       PAH
Pete:  Remember kids - never leave the house without conc. sulphuric acid.

Pete:  OK.  I'll bite.  What's the internet.
Cliff: I'll take you.  Be warned - its dangerous in the wrong hand.
Hora:  (What's this?)

Emma:  What's that?
Hora:  The Internet.
Emma:  What's it like?
Hora:  It's full.  Go away.

Emma:  What do you mean, 'It's full'?
Hora:  Sorry - I misread it...
       The Web is full of Idiots.  Go Away...

Emma:  What are you looking at?
Hora:  Online comic strips.
Hora:  Internet startups.  The imagination these people have...

Emma:  How can you control it if you can't type?
Hora:  With the unaided power of my mind!
Emma:  Really?
Hora:  Nah.  I'm moving the mouse with my tail.

Pete:  The internet?
Cliff: This ways.
Pete:  What are you looking at?
Pete:  (Cut flowers?  Some people are sick.)

Emma:  We haven't been introduced.
Cliff: I'm called Cliff.
Emma:  Oh, I am sorry.
Cliff: Its is a cross I must bears.

Cliff: And what's yours name?
Emma:  Emma.
Cliff: Nots 'Emma the ladybird' or something?
Emma:  Think of it as an intelligence test.

Emma:  I'm worried about what the ray hit.
Cliff: You're rights!  It could create another monster like you.
Emma:  Thanks for the vote of confidence...

Emma:  You're a bit hypocritical, calling me a mutant.
Cliff: Whats do you mean?  I'm the perfect shape for a mad scientists.
Emma:  Never mind.  Let's just find what the ray hit...

Mill:  Do you have a job for me?
Queen: Explore south.
Queen: (That'll show her I don't trust her.)
Mill:  (She trusts me with a mission!)

Queen: Bring back anything interesting.
Mill:  What sort of thing?
Queen: Anything to stop me looking at sticks all day...

Queen: Before you ask, grass is not interesting.
Mill:  What makes you think I was getting grass?
Mill:  (Damn.)

Queen: Stones aren't interesting either.
Mill:  What made you think I was getting stones?
Mill:  (She's good.)
Queen: Thanks.

Mill:  What if it's too big?
Queen: You can lift over ten times your weight.
Mill:  What if it's bigger?

Mill:  What if it's still too big?
Queen: Take some other ants with you.
Queen: Pedd, Stud, Abs, Tru and Prud will accompany you.
Ped:   That's Ped.  One 'd'.

Mill:  Everyone - head south!
Prud:  Which way's south?
Mill:  Never mind.  Just follow me...

Ped:   Do you think that names affect our personality, Prud?
Prud:  We'd have to carefully check everyoune to be sure, Ped.
Ped:   'To check everyone carefully'.  But I see your point.

Pred:  What's your opinion, Stud?
Stud:  Well, if there's one thing I learnt...
Stud:  It's not to ask questions.  I need a drink.

Mill:  We'll split up and search the area.
Tru:   What if we run into trouble?
Mill:  Nonsense.  What would be able to harm us?

Tru:   Why are we going in this direction, Abs.
Abs:   Well, I saw an interesting looking creature...
Abs:   and I'm moving away from it as fast as possible.

Abs:   We should be safe here.
       SPLAT

Emma:  Hello, I'm Emma.
Mill:  Wow.  A giant, talking ladybird.

Prud:  Is she interesting enough.
Ped:   I know.  We'll ask.
Ped:   How interesting are you?

Emma:  I'm not boring, if that's what you mean.
M/P/P: Horray!
Emma:  Whaat...

Cliff: Heys!
Mill:  Sorry.
Cliff: Erms, thanks.

Cliff:  "I owes you one mutant ladybird."
Cliff:  Hah!  I saids you were a mutant!
Cliff:  Sigh.

Hora:  There's little interesting on the net.
Hora:  It's all money making scams, bomb making instructions...
Pete:  Really?
Hora:  It's worrying anyone finds it useful.
Pete:  Wow!

Pete:  It's all in text.
Hora:  You'll be able to find a text-to-speech converter somewhere.
Pete:  Well volunteered... come here.

Hora:  You want me to read out bomb making instructions - why?
Pete:  Bombs are cool.
Hora:  Enough said.

Hora:  Is it safe using instructions from the web?
Pete:  Yes
Hora:  Why?
Pete:  They're written down - they must be correct.

Hora:  'Mix weedkiller and suger' ... are you sure this is safe?
Pete:  Are you calling me a weed?
Hora:  Well, no...
Pete:  There you go, then.

Hora:  Take the resulting mixture to a gun shop.
Hora:  Pour it over the shopkeeper unless he gives you bombs.
Hora:  This plan is stupid.
Pete:  Yes - where do we find gun shops?

Hora:  Shopkeepers in gun shops can probably defend themselves.
Pete:  No they can't.  You're forgetting...
Pete:  guns and bombs are offensive weapons.

Pete:  I suppose it was a daft idea, anyway.
Hora:  Yes.
Hora:  Who could we use bombs on, anyway?
Cliff: Helps!  The ants have kidnapped Emma.

Hora:  They've set us up the bomb!
Hora:  Sorry.  I don't know what came over me.

Pete:  How do we know she was kidnapped?
Cliff: A loads of ant carried her off leaving only an IOUs?
Pete:  Maybe she was visiting them.

Hora:  We've got to rescue her.
Pete:  Why?
Hora:  She's essential for ... for ...
Hora:  She gives good backrubs.

Cliff: We'ves got to rescue Emma.
Cliff: I needs to perform genetic experiments on her.
Hora:  Maybe she's safer with the ants.

Hora:  No - we've got to rescue Emma.
Hora:  Erm.  If you don't, you can't rule her.
Pete:  No time to waste.  Lets go.

Cliff: Erms...
Cliff: We're going the wrong way.
Pete:  Hmpf.
Hora:  Let go, damnit.

Child: Guess what I saw
Child: A worm, giant plant and white thing coming towards us.
Par:   (The imagination kids have...)

Petul: Some creatures are asking for the ladybird.
Queen: Tell them to wait a little.
Petul: Go away.

Pete:  Go away?
Petul: Yes.  Erm, she's not here.
Petul: We ate her.

Hora:  You ate her?
Petul: No, not really.
Petul: Too chewey.  We threw most of her away.

Pete:  She's really dead?
Petul: Yes.
Pete:  Goodness.
Pete:  I suppose we'll go away then.
Petul: Come back in a bit.

Hora:  You can't just walk away.
Pete:  You're right.
Pete:  I've decided to be your ruler.

Petul: But our queens still alive.
Pete:  Gulp.  That can be sorted out.
Hora:  For Revenge!
Pete:  For Power!
Cliff: For curiosities!

P/H/C: Attack.
Emma:  When you've quite finished.

Hora:  We thought untrustworthy ants had killed you.
Emma:  Why did you think that?
Hora:  An untrustworthy ant told us...

Queen: Petul told you that?
Cliff: Yess
Queen: I'll kill him...
Cliff: Is think that problem been dealt with...

Queen: Thats why you destroyed our hill?
Pete:  Nope.  I wanted to become your ruler.
Queen: Logical.  I think.

Queen: You can rule if you replace the hill.
Pete:  Is everyone demanding something?

Pete:  Well, I'm not having it.  You can get lost.
Emma:  Wait.  I have an idea...
Queen: Well, it'll do...

Queen: It is satisfactory.
Queen: Don't expect tribute until we have a new hill.
Pete:  (Tribute!)

Pete:  Tribute...
Pete:  I want presents.
Pete:  Now.
Hora:  Alas.  I hoped rulership was a one-way thing.

Hora:  What do you want?
Pete:  A surprise!
Hora:  Why do awkward people always want surprises.

Emma:  I got you this.
Pete:  Wow.
Pete:  A platform.

Cliff: Heres's some compost.
Pete:  Yay.
Cliff: With addeds uranium.

Pete:  What does the uranium do?
Cliff: It makes it glows in the dark
Cliff: so it's easys to find.

Pete:  Doesn't that cause mutations?
Cliff: Wells, yes...
Pete:  Can you add more?

Pete:  Wheres my present?
Hora:  I ordered one through the internet.
Hora:  It should arrive any minute.

Hora:  Are you all right?
Pete:  Just about.
Pete:  Phew.
Hora:  Nngh.
Pete:  For a minute there, I thought I was pressed.

Pete:  What is it?
Pete:  Wow.
Pete:  Another platform.
Hora:  It's a book.

Pete:  You know I can't read.
Hora:  Well, yes.
Hora:  Thats why I got a book with big letters.

Pete:  I can't read big letters either.
Hora:  It won't come to that...
Hora:  You'll have enough trouble opening it...
Pete:  Nngh.

Pick:  We decided we could give a present.
Pete:  (How kind.)

Pete:  They left a box.
Pete:  (Oh.  More ants.)
Pete:  Run along.  I'm full.

Queen: What have you invented?
Cliff: An intelligences ray.  Mahahahaha!
Cliff: Just practicing for whens I rule the world.

Queen: Why does everyone want to rule the world?
Cliff: Says the queen with hundreds of subjects
Queen: I was born to it
Cliff: Sos was I!

Queen: You were certainly born to experiment.
Cliff: Yess...
Cliff: Speaking of ants and exper...
Queen: No!
Cliff: Sorry.

Queen: What else have you invented?
Cliff: The leftshanded tin opener.
Cliff: So rightshanded people can open lefthanded tins.

Cliff: Alsos I invented the RGB2001!
Queen: What's that?
Cliff: A reallys cool acronym.

Cliff: RGBs stands for Robotic Gardening Butler
Queen: What's 2001?
Cliff: My favourites film!

Cliff: It keep your garden tidy.
Queen: How?
Cliff: By destroying anything that shouldn't be there.
Cliff: Why do I gets a bad feeling about this?

Pete:  These presents are great.
Pete:  Nothing can stop me now!

Robot: TARGET AQUIRED.  IDENTIFYING.
Robot: TARGET IDENTIFIED.  WEED - DESTROY.
Robot: DESTROY TARGET.  WEED - DESTROY.
Pete:  Hello.  What's your present?

Robot: DESTROY PLANT.
Pete:  I don't want it.  Get a different present.

Cliff: The RGB2001 get energys from plants it destroys.
Cliff: Look.  There it is.  Choosing a plant to...
Cliff: Choosing Pete.

Cliff: Quicks.  Organise a teams to knock out the robot.
Cliff: You twos.  Rescue Pete.
Cliff: (Excellents.  Nothing for me to do.)

Pete:  So you want to eat me?
Pete:  (This has logistical problems.)

Hora:  Its bigger, stronger and faster than us.  Its invulnrable...
Emma:  Theses an access panel on the back.
Hora:  Shhh.
Hora:  As I was saying, we can't possibly attack it directly.

Emma:  We need to get at that panel.
Hora:  No.  We'll never be able to get up there.
Hora:  Unless you fly.

Emma:  Why shouldn't you fly.
Emma:  After all, its your catapault.
Hora:  No way.  I gave it to you.

       Grab
Emma:  Men...
       PLONK
Hora:  (Women...)

Pete:  (I wish help would fall from the sky.)
Pete:  (But its naive to expect that to happen.)
       SPLAT
Pete:  (I like being naive.)

Hora:  I need fingers to open this panel.
Hora:  Emma!  This plan is useless!
Hora:  I may be going down, but I'm going down fighting.

Pete:  (If I'm going to die...)
Pete:  (I'm entitled to a last meal.)
Hora:  Hey!

Robot: TARGET EVALUATE.  GRASS - RELEASE.
Robot: FIND NEW TARGET.  LOCATING.
Robot: TARGET AQUIRED.  IDENTIFYING.

Robot: TARGET AQUIRED.  IDENTIFYING.
Robot: TARGET IDENTIFIED.  CREATOR - DESTROY.
Robot: KILL DESTROY ANNIHALATE KILL DEATH KILL DESTROY DEATH KILL KILL KILL

Cliff: Oh my gods.
Cliff: Another of my creatins is trying to kill me.
Cliff: Am I goods or what?

Cliff: Ahs.  The ant table.
Cliff: Haven't you got the trap sorting out yet?
Cliff: Its coming after me!

Queen: I've trapped the robot.
Cliff: Excellents.
Cliff: Now I can reprogram it.
Cliff: This is what I live for.

Cliff: Scalpal ands forceps, quick.
Late:  We don't have them.
Cliff: That OK.  I was only saying it for effect.

Cliff: That why thes calibration units doesn't work.
Cliff: Which means I can reconfigure the tree nodes.
Cliff: Microelectronics is easy when you're micro.

Cliff: You're just ins time.  I'm reactivating the robot.
Emma:  What?  You must be mad.
Cliff: Stops it.  You'll make me blush.

Cliff: I've upgraded the recognition system, threat detection, movement ...
Cliff: And most important...
Cliff: added tonnes of flashy lights.

Cliff: I've completelys upgraded the AI.
Emma:  You made sure it wouldn't kill us?
Cliff: Damn.  I knew I'd forgottens something.

Emma:  So you made it even harder to stop the robot.
Emma:  Have you improved the situation at all?
Cliff: Erm, now we can choose how we dies?

Emma:  We have only one advantage...
Emma:  The thoughts locked inside our brains.
Cliff: Is it a bad time to mention I added a brain scanner.

Robot: CHOOSE YOUR MANNER OF DEATH
Robot: WHAT IS CHOCOLATE

RGB:   SELECTING MANNER OF DEATH.  INITIATING TELEPATHY.
RGB:   READING MINDS.  DEATH SELECTED.
RGB:   DEATH BY WATCHING OLD FILMS CHOSEN.

Hora:  That's a manly way to die.  I want to die like a worm
Emma:  How do you 'die like a worm'?
Hora:  The idea is usually you don't.

Pete:  Well, I want to be killed by a death ray.
Pete:  There's one over there...
Pete:  Just press the blue button.

RGB:   YOU ALL WANT TO DIE BY DEATH RAY?
RGB:   STRANGE CREATURES.  OH WELL.
R/P:   (Problem solved)

RGB:   CREATURES TERMINATED...
RGB:   ...AH...
RGB:   HELLLPP

Pete:  I'm going to crunch that robot.
Emma:  Certainly
Hora:  Go ahead.
Cliff: Yes.
Pete:  (It's so much less satisfying without some token resistance.)
RGB:   (DON'T DO IT)

Pete:  This garden ain't big enough for the both of us...
RGB:   YES IT IS
Pete:  True
Pete:  So I'll do this for fun.

Pete:  Now to get rid of you...
RGB:   WOW.  I SURVIVED

Pete:  Enough of that ... now ... are those my presents?
Pete:  They're tiny...
Pete:  When you grow up presents are disappointing.

Hora:  Being big ... the things I've been pondering seem so small now.
Emma:  So what will you do now?
Hora:  Find bigger things to ponder.

Emma:  How do you know there are big things to ponder?
Hora:  There are always big things
Hora:  Like me!

Hora:  There are always big things to ponder.  Truth is like an onion.
Emma:  Is that meaningful or just trite?
Hora:  I'm pondering that now.

Emma:  Why not ponder what that thing is?
Hora:  Waste of time.  Just ask Cliff.
Emma:  That's ... cheating.

Hora:  What's that thing?
Cliff: It's a mono althaotropes bi-channel distribution chamberoids.
Hora:  So now you know.

Emma:  What does it do?
Cliff: I'ms not entirely sure.
Cliff: I've never quites dared test it.

Emma:  So it does nothing.
Cliff: It's a mono althaotrope bi-chamber distributions chamberoid.
Cliff: It doesn't needs to do anything.

Pete:  I can open the book you gave me now.
Pete:  But the writing's small now.
Pete:  And I still can't read it.

Hora:  Well, we could shrink you again so the workds are big and Emma here could turn the pages.
Emma:  Or we could use the intelligence ray.
Hora:  Details, mere details.

Cliff: This shoulds give yous the ability to reads.
Pete:  Extraordinary.  My vocabulary has been elongated.

Pete:  My locutional capacity becomes ameliorated!
Pete:  Multisyllabic synonyms encumber communication.

Pete:  I'm entangled in perpetual verbosity
       SPLASH
Pete:  That's better.  Thanks.

Pete:  Very High Voltage
Pete:  My life has become so much richer.

Pete:  (Now where's by book?)
Pete:  Taking over the world for dummies?
Pete:  Are you trying to suggest something?

Emma:  You gave him that?
Hora:  It'll distract him for a bit.
Emma:  Ah.  The 'dowsing the fire with petrol' approach.

Pete:  One method for taking over the world is...
Pete:  starting a religion.
Pete:  Right.  I'll do that.

Pete:  Do you want to be a priest in my religion?
Emma:  Who does it worship?
Pete:  You are clearly not suitable.

Emma:  Who does your religion worship.
Pete:  Let's try again.  It's my religion.
Emma:  Oh.

Emma:  So you want people to worship you.
Pete:  Yes!
Emma:  Sorry.  I've already got such a religion.

Pete:  You will help me start a religion.
Cliff: All right.
Cliff: Thesi books will tell you everything you needs.
Pete:  "The cult of christianity'?  I have some standards.

Cliff: You need to talks to someone with experience.
Cliff: One whos convert people on a day to day basis.
Cliff: In other words, a hermit.

Pete:  Where can I find a hermit?
Cliff: The slope of mount Fijis are always a good place.
Cliff: Or there's one nexts door.

Pete:  How do you know he's a hermit?
Cliff: It says 'Herr Mitt' on the front door.
Cliff: Besides, he lives on a pole in his garden.

Pete:  Right.  Let's find him.
Pete:  Where is he?
Cliff: Erm, heres.
Cliff: We mays have problems talking to hims.

Pete:  How can we get him down?
Cliff: We could wait until he notices us and comes down?
Cliff: That's anothers solution.

Mitt:  .o(It's so peaceful up here)
Mitt:  .o(The wind wafting through the trees)
Mitt:  .o(The stability could be better)

Mitt:  Waaah...
       THUMP
Mitt:  .o(I am at one with the earth)

Pete:  Hello
Pete:  Hello?
Pete:  Hello!

Cliff: He's unconcious.  We should leave him alone to wake up.
Pete:  Wake up.
Cliff: .o(OK.  Ignore me.  I mean, I'm only a scientist.)

Cliff: If yous must wake him, at least uses the scientific method.
Cliff: Ahem.
Cliff: Wakes up!

Pete:  Ooh.  I've an idea.
Pete:  It's never failed to wake someone up...
Pete:  .o(Never succeeded either, but...)

       SPLASH
Cliff: That was your plans?
Pete:  Look.  It worked!

Mitt:  .o(I thought they were ordinary mushrooms)

Mitt:  W ... Wh ... Where am I?
Pete:  Milton Keynes.
Cliff: Now look what you've done.  He's fainted again.

Pete:  We should get Emma to do this.
Cliff: Erm, I thinks she's busy.

Mitt:  .o(A giant talking plant.  I must be hallucinating)
Mitt:  .o(I'll ignore it until it goes away.)
Mitt:  .o(I wish it would stop throwing water at me, though)

Cliff: The waters doesn't seem to be working
Cliff: Let try electricies!
Mitt:  I'm awake

Mitt:  How do I know you're not a hallucination?
       SNAP
Mitt:  OK.  I'm convinced

Mitt:  How can you exist?  Gravity would kill you.
Pete:  Really?
Pete:  Not if I see him first.

Pete:  Enough about me, let's talk about you.
Mitt:  What's up?
Pete:  It feels wrong to say it that way round.

Pete:  I want you to start a religion.
Cliff: Time for thes electricity.
Pete:  I'll get a cable...
Mitt:  Erm, it was only for dramatic effect.

Cliff: Dos you always faint that often?
Mitt:  Not much when visitors aren't there.
Mitt:  I appreciate an audience.

Cliff: Do you faints when you're up your pole?
Mitt:  I have done once.  That hurt.
Mitt:  But I got an ornamental pond out of it.

Pete:  Why did you faint when I asked you to start a religion?
Mitt:  Well, it's a long story...
Pete:  Goody.  I love stories.

Mitt:  This story starts back in the mists of time.
Mitt:  When the universe was created...
Mitt:  When I was born.

Mitt:  In the beginning, there was the baby, and I was the baby and the baby was me.
Mitt:  And I moved over the sleeping blanket, and I said 'Waah.  Gah Ganov'.
Baby:  Waah.  Gah Ganov.
Mitt:  And there was food.

Mitt:  The years passed and I grew older, until one mild autumn...
Mitt:  I stepped onto the only battleground that has ever mattered.
Mitt:  Conkers

Mitt:  My fame with conkers spread
Mitt:  I won match after match
Mitt:  Until I faced the ultimate test

Mitt:  I lost and was walking home dejected when...
Mitt:  Erm, nothing happened.  But I did hear strange noises.
Mitt:  Sorry.  I don't know why I told you that bit.

Mitt:  A few years later, in a charity conker match, I met Janet.
Mitt:  She was stunning.
Mitt:  She broke my conker and won my heart.

Mitt:  We were married, but a year later she left me.
Mitt:  I was heart broken.
Mitt:  Dame Mitt ... Janet ... I love you!

Mitt:  I turned to drinks
Mitt:  Drugs
Mitt:  And finally found solace up a pole, where I've been ever since.

Pete:  What's that got to do with religion?
Mitt:  Absolutely nothing.
Mitt:  But would you listen to my life story if you knew it had no point?

Pete:  I've listened to your story.  Now start my religion
Pete:  What are you waiting for?  Create it!
Mitt:  Well, you letting go would be nice.

Mitt:  I need to ask some questions about the reli...
Pete:  Nonono.  Surprise me.
Pete:  And if I don't like it, I'll eat you.

Mitt:  But what type of religion do you want?
Pete:  An easy question
Pete:  A big one

Pete:  I want a big religion.
Mitt:  How big?
Pete:  This big.

Mitt:  I need to know more than 'My religion should be big'.
Pete:  Oh, very well.
Pete:  It should be blue.

Mitt:  At least say what your religion should be called.
Pete:  No
Mitt:  No?
Pete:  I don't want it to have a name.

Mitt:  But a religion has to have a name...
Mitt:  Otherwise, how can you tell it apart from other religions
Pete:  We'll get rid of the other religions

Mitt:  Until we've removed all religions, we need a name.
Mitt:  .o(Ha.  I've won this argument hands down)
Pete:  I'll call it Amanda.
Mitt:  .o(Or maybe not)

Mitt:  You can't call a religion Amanda!
Mitt:  You want something with poise ... style ...
Mitt:  Like Janet

Mitt:  Who do you want in your religion?
Pete:  Everyone
Pete:  I rule
Mitt:  But that's insane.  It won't work and you can't do it...

Mitt:  Your religion has to specialise
Pete:  I'll specialise across the board!
Mitt:  You really don't understand doing things by halves.

Mitt:  The only way to get everyone to follow your religion...
Mitt:  Is to take over the world!

Pete:  I've decided not to start a religion
Mitt:  Don't worry.  I'm used to it.
Mitt:  Everyone backs out when they realise they must take over the world.

Pete:  .o(Back to square one)
Pete:  .o(Having to take over the world again...)
Pete:  .o(Good thing I enjoy it)

Emma:  Look.  I've found a scooter!
Hora:  Cool.  Can I have a go?
Hora:  I don't think worms on scooters work

Cliff: Oi!  Puts my scooter back!
Cliff: You might damages it, or worse still...
Cliff: someone might see you with it

Cliff: Beside, I need you to test the mono althaotropes bi-channel distribution chamberoid.
Emma:  I thought you said it didn't do anything.
Cliff: Thens you won't mind testing it, will you?

Hora:  I remember.  You said it didn't need to do anything.
Cliff: Doesn't need to dos anything ... I don't know what it does ...
Cliff: What the difference?

Cliff: You stands here ... and yous stand here ...
Cliff: and I'll stand behind this radiations proof shield.
Hora:  You've got a bad feeling about this too?
Emma:  Yep

Cliff: Warps field stabilised ... activating photon cannon ...
Emma:  How do you know which buttons to press, Cliff?
Cliff: Scientifics intuition.  Now let me concentrate.
Emma:  We're going to die.

Cliff: Final sequence initiated
Cliff: Activating
Emma:  Oh my word...
Hora:  what happened

Hora:  How weird.  I think we've...
Emma:  swapped bodies or personalities or something.
Hora:  This has certain posibilities.

Cliff: Stop its, you two.
Cliff: You can't treat this machine as some sort ofs toy.
Cliff: Now swap back so I can have my turn.

Hora:  How do we swap back?
Cliff: I turn off the machine like so.
Hora:  How simple
Emma:  Let's do that again...

Cliff: I want a gas now
Hora:  We need to test it again
Emma:  For safety.
Pete:  Hi.  What are you doing?
Cliff: Erm, nothings.
Emma:  Zilch
Hora:  This machine doesn't work at all.

Pete:  I'm glad you're not busy.
Pete:  You all must give me money
Cliff: Here's as fiver.  Now run alongs.

Pete:  Nonono.  I need to be rich.
Pete:  This book says rich and powerful people rule the world.
Pete:  And since I'm already powerful...

Cliff: How dos you expect to find that much money?
Cliff: Digging fors treasure or something?
Cliff: .o(Me and mys big month)

Pete:  Found anything Horatio?
Pete:  I'll take that as a no.
Hora:  .o(Good idea)

Pete:  Emma!  Found anything?
Emma:  I'll give you two guesses.
Pete:  Yes!
Emma:  No
Pete:  No!
Emma:  Yes

Pete:  I suppose I should dig.
Pete:  I've found something.  Am I good or what.

Pete:  I have discovered a vein...
Pete:  of the purest, richest...
Pete:  COMPOST

Cliff: You means you were looking for compost?
Cliff: There some in the back of the garden
Pete:  Wow.  You've got ... heaps ... of it.

Hora:  Erm, Pete.  Are you busy?
Pete:  Yes
Pete:  I'm contemplating my compost.

Cliff: Does Pete realise hows little compost is worth?
Pete:  WHAT?
Emma:  I think he just found out.

Hora:  Think about it.  If compost was that expensive
Hora:  Well, you'd have a licence to print money.
Hora:  Why did your eyes light up when I said 'print money'?

Pete:  Cliff!  I want you to invent a money machine.
Cliff: What's in it for mes?
Pete:  Money
Cliff: I must admit, that sound logical

Pete:  Well?  Invent my money machine!
Cliff: I don't need to.  I have one right here.
Cliff: Wells, you could at leasts pretend to look surprised.

Pete:  What does this button do?
Cliff: Nos...
Cliff: It turn the machine on
Pete:  .o(Money!)

Cliff: Get mes out!
Pete:  All right
Hora:  OK.  Now turn around and do the same for me.

Emma:  This isn't english money.
Cliff: No.  Is noticed that.
Cliff: I wonder where monopole is.

Cliff: We must finds the contry monopole!
Cliff: Not only will we be rich theres...
Cliff: but if it magnetic, we'll get a nobels prize.

Emma:  Do you really think we'll find monopole?
Cliff: No, I suppose nots.
Cliff: This monopoly stuff is just toy money.

Pete:  .o(I need another way to rule the world.)
Pete:  .o(Blow it up and rule the remaining fragments?)
Pete:  .o(It's been done)

Pete:  .o(What about this one?)
Pete:  .o(Terrorise the world using a giant plant)
Pete:  .o(But where would I find a giant plant)

Pete:  Hang on!
Pete:  Let's Ride.
Cliff: Nooo.

Emma:  I wonder what's happening to Pete.
Cliff: Hey!  Listens to this!
Radio: NEWS FLASH!  A GIANT PLANT HAS INVADED LONDON!
Radio: THE PRIME MINISTER COMMENTED "HE'S COOL"
Hora:  He's having fun.

Radio: THE ARMY HAS BEEN CALLED IN TO STOP THE PLANT
Emma:  Poor army.
Radio: THEY ARE ARMED WITH TACTICAL NUKES!
Hora:  This is a contest's I've got to see.
Emma:  Horatio...

Emma:  We've got to stop him before he hurts himself
Emma:  ...not to mention everyone else...
Pete:  Wahay!
Hora:  But how?
Emma:  I have a cunning plan...

       FREE COMPOST
Emma:  Turn up the skywriter
Cliff: Rights
       FREE COMPOST !!!!!!!!!!
Emma:  That's better

Pete:  Free Compost!
Pete:  .o(I'm on it)
Pete:  .o(Giving away free compost.  What gullible idiots.)

Cliff: Wait until you cans see the white of his eyes
Emma:  I could do that five minutes ago...
Cliff: FIRE!

Pete:  Hang on.  I'm sure I recognise...
Pete:  this place.

Pete:  What have you done to me.
       pounce
Pete:  I WANT MY BODY BACK
Pete:  Understand?
Cliff: The feeling's mutuals

Emma:  Are you all right?
Hora:  Can't ... Control .. Body
Emma:  Horatio!  You're hitting things.
Hora:  But backseat drivers will stop that happening ... Ha!

Emma:  Cliff - is Pete forcing you to swap back?
Cliff: Don'ts worry - he doesn't know how to stop the machine
Pete:  The machine!
       SMASH
Cliff: Allow me to reconsider that

Cliff: You'res breaking my machine
Cliff: What ... we've gots to get out of heres!
       BOOM

       BOOM
Cliff: All that work gone.  All that efforts wasted...
Cliff: It tooks two years to collect enough tokens for it.

Cliff: You brokes my machine.  I'll kills you!
Hora:  I'm Horatio.  You should blame the plant...
Pete:  Blame me?
Cliff: No, I'm not sures it's worth the effort...

Pete:  Now look at all the distruction Horatio's caused.
Pete:  Hmm.  They swapped our bodies for a reason.
Pete:  I shall carry on his good work...

Emma:  What do we do now?
Cliff: I'll have to start collecting coupons again.
Cliff: Look as if I won't get that tractor beam.

Emma:  No - what do we do about Pete?  He's destroying the place
Cliff: Panic?
E/H/C: PANIC!

Cliff: Stop!  I haves a better idea
Cliff: This robot can do the panicing for us
Robot: PANIC!  PANIC!
Emma:  It's sweet

Hora:  Can't we just use the intelligence ray to shrink Pete?
Cliff: It's nots designed for such power.
Cliff: Haves you seen my electricity bill?

Cliff: There another reason we can'ts shrink Pete with the ray
Cliff: The focusing crystal may shatter...
Hora:  That's a chance I'm willing to take
Cliff: I'ms not.  Come back!

Emma:  He's getting close!  FIRE!
Hora:  It's not working.  Something's blocking it.
Cliff: No dos I tell them or not?

Pete:  .o(What are they doing with that machine?)
Pete:  .o(Trying to steal my body!)
Pete:  ATTACK!

Emma:  It's not working.
Hora:  But the ray's on full power!
Emma:  We're going to die!
Cliff: I'll plug it in.  The damages is their responsibility, though.

Pete:  Aargh
Pete:  I'm melting
Pete:  I've melted

Cliff: They've shrunks themselves.  I've got to find them.
Cliff: Fortunately, I know exactly where to look.
Cliff: They must be somewhere in my bowl of cocoloops.

Emma:  Horatio!  We survived!
Emma:  Horatio?

Emma:  Oh, Horatio
Emma:  I'm so sorry
Pete:  Hello.  Why are you cradling a dead worm's bottom

Emma:  The 'dead worm' is Horatio
Pete:  Oh.  I didn't realise.
Pete:  Why are you cradling Horatio's bottom, then?

Emma:  I'm hugging his bottom as his top's not available.
Pete:  I'll free him
Pete:  Nngh
Pete:  He's trapped.  Carry on cuddling.

Pete:  I thought if you cut a worm in half, both halves lived
Pete:  Like chickens do if you cut their heads off
Emma:  Next you'll be saying I can take cuttings of you.
Pete:  Don't be disgusting

Pete:  You just have to wait there for that half of Horatio to start living.
Pete:  Look.  He just moved!
Emma:  What?
Pete:  Just kidding ... but the look on your face...

Emma:  Horatio's dead.  Don't you care at all?
Pete:  Of course I do.
Pete:  It means I've got ot find a new number two.

Emma:  .o(Thank goodness Pete's gone... although I doubt he could make me feel much worse.)
Pete:  Here.  I've found a replacement for Horatio
Emma:  I underestimated him again.

Pete:  .o(Emma seems a bit stressed at the moment.
Pete:  .o(Oh, well.  I'm sure she and Terrence will get along marvelously.
Emma:  I said, 'go away'.

Pete:  .o(Back to taking over the world)
Pete:  .o('Build a business empire selling self help books to gullible people)
Pete:  .o('Note:  The author is currently attempting this strategy')

Pete:  .o(I need a plan that will work)
Pete:  .o(I know.  I'll skip to the back of the book)
Pete:  .o(Everyone knows that it's the last plan that succeeds)

Pete:  And the plan is...
       ZEN - This allows you to control yourself completely and makes you one with the universe.  Therefore...
Pete:  I'll control everything.

Pete:  Wait!  There's another entry.
Pete:  Zen on the zenith of a ziggurat.
Pete:  I think I'll stick to plain zen.

Emma:  It's what he would have wanted...

Pete:  'To control yourself, you must reach enlightenment'
Pete:  'Enlightenment is a state of mind in which...'
Pete:  .o(My geography's terrible.  I didn't even realise there was a country called mind.)

Pete:  Where do I find enlightenment?
Gary:  Halfway between Erewhon and Utopia.
Pete:  Excellent.  Lead the way.
Gary:  Erm...

Gary:  I don't know where Enlightenment is.
Pete:  Then find it
Pete:  Seek enlightenment, little grasshopper.

Gary:  Enlightenment is a state of mind.
Pete:  I know that.  So take me to mind then.
Gary:  That could be difficult.

Gary:  You must find Enlightenment within yourself.
Pete:  Well, tell me if you spot it
       GULP

Emma:  Hmpf

Pete:  I need someone who understands zen
Pete:  The hermit.  He was completely useless...
Pete:  So by the law of averages he'll answer my question perfectly

Pete:  Yoohoo Mr Hermit!
Pete:  No answer.  Looks as if I'll have to climb up.
Pete:  Or he'll have to come down

Mitt:  .o(The pole's swaying again)
Mitt:  .o(Fortunately, this time I have a parachute)
Mitt:  .o(How do these things work?)

Pete:  In one word, can you sum up zen for me
Mitt:  Urgh
Pete:  Thanks for your prompt and helpful respose

Pete:  Is there anything you'd like to add?
Mitt:  Ugg
Pete:  Urghugg ... a rug!  I'll get one right away!

Pete:  I need a rug ... a table cloth will do.
       WHIP
Pete:  Curses.  Everything stayed on the table.

Pete:  Right.  Here's the rug ... where's the hermit?
Pete:  He's buggered off
Pete:  However now I have his tablecloth

Pete:  With the hermit's tablecloth I can...
Pete:  ...cover tables?

Pete:  With this tablecloth I can be a Roman Emperor...
Pete:  ...an old lady...
Pete:  ...or a ghost!

Pete:  I could disguise myself as...
Pete:  A mysterious package!
Pete:  How do I get out of this thing again?

Pete:  Escape!
Pete:  Free ... oops.  It's all torn up.
Pete:  But is it art?

Pete:  Tablecloths have nothing to do with zen anyway.
Pete:  What I need is a ... a...
Pete:  ...motorcycle!

Pete:  Can you give me a motorcycle?
Queen: Wait.  I'll ask Robin Reli.
Robin: We don't have one in your size.

Queen: What do you need a motorcycle for?
Queen: For zen
Queen: I think you should talk to penit...

Penit: The key to zen is meditation
Pete:  What's that then?
Penit: Sitting in one spot repeating one word to yourself.

Pete:  I need someone to copy
Pete:  Do you meditate by any chance
Petit: Don't be daft.  Whoever heard of an ant meditating.

Pete:  You mean that's it.
Penit: It's harder than it looks.
Pete:  One word, one word, one word, one word, one word...
Pete:  You're right.  I'm bored already.

Pete:  I need someone to copy meditation from
Pete:  Someone sitting, repeating one word to themself
Pete:  Two out of three ain't bad.
Miles: PANIC, PANIC

Miles: PANIC, PANIC
Pete:  Panic, panic
Pete:  Panic, panic
Miles: PANIC, PANIC
Pete:  .o(Ironically, this is very soothing)
Miles: PANIC
Pete:  Panic

Pete:  Panic
Miles: PANIC
       THUMP
Miles: PANIC
Pete:  Panic
Pete:  Repeating one word sitting down.  I've done zen!

Emma:  Are you doing anything useful?
Miles: PANIC
Pete:  I'm doing zen
Miles: PANIC
Emma:  I think I'll take that as a no...

Emma:  I need your help.  Terrence is missing.
Pete:  Oh.  Right.
Miles: PANIC
Pete:  So what do you want my help with?

Emma:  We have to find Terrence
Emma:  He's stupid, irritating, uncommunicative
Emma:  But I miss him

Pete:  What ... Terrence has gone missing?
Emma:  I know it must be a shock.
Pete:  Yes - I need a new number two.

Emma:  A new one?  Again.
Pete:  I do seem to go through them...
Pete:  So I need one which is immortal.

Pete:  Emma - Meet my new immortal number two
Emma:  It's a stone

Emma:  Your new number two is a stone?
Pete:  Don't say that.  You'll hurt it's feelings.
Pete:  It's a rock.

Emma:  Stones don't have feelings.
Pete:  Rocks!
Pete:  This one does.
Pete:  See - it's giving you the cold shoulder.

Emma:  What use is a rock as your number two?
Pete:  It's steadfast, loyal
Pete:  And highly intelligent

Emma:  The rock's intelligent
Pete:  Watch.
Pete:  Two plus two's five
Pete:  You see - it knows better than to contradict me

Emma:  You've got a number two, but we have to find Terrence
Pete:  Right.  And you can seek enlightenment while I'm gone

Emma:  Think logically... where would a caterpiller go?
Pete:  Into a garden.
Emma:  Logical ... useless, but logical.

Pete:  Wait - a caterpiller would go somewhere with plants.
Emma:  Try to narrow things down a little...
Pete:  I'm narrowing them down as little as I can.

Emma:  Where would a caterpiller hide?
Pete:  Behind some grass
Emma:  So much for logic ... Terrence, were are you?

Emma:  Terrence!
Pete:  Hang on.
Pete:  Do caterpillers have ears?
Emma:  We could shout louder.
Emma:  TERRENCE!

Strid:  Could you keep the noise down - the queen is trying to sleep.
Strid:  And, no, she doesn't know where terrence is.
Strid:  Or, for that matter, what it is...

Strid: .o(Besides, we don't have the time to look for a Terrence)
Strid: .o(We have important work to do)
Strid: .o(Like working out where this caccoon came from)

Emma:  The ant's don't know... but maybe we should ask round
Emma:  There was a grasshopper...
Pete:  No
Emma:  ask the hermit...
Pete:  No
Pete:  They're all busy

Emma:  But the hermit's right here
Pete:  Cool.  He's alive
Emma:  Have you seen a caterpiller about this long?
Mitt:  Urghh
Emma:  Oh well, keep your eyes to the ground.

Emma:  Let's face facts, we can't find Terrence.
Pete:  Now you can help me look for zen
Emma:  Since Cliff's intelligence ray has a zen setting, we'll find it.

Pete:  I'm not sure I trust Cliff's machines
Pete:  Remember what happened last time we used the ray?
Pete:  Actually, that was fun.  Let's go.

Emma:  There.  That should make it work as a zen ray.
Emma:  Now all you have to do is press the green button.
Pete:  I hate deja vu

Pete:  We pressed the button last time and we can do it again.
Emma:  True, except for two small points.
Emma:  We didn't press the button last time and we can't do it again.

Emma:  The RGB2001 which you destroyed pressed the button
Pete:  Oh, yes.
Pete:  I don't suppose I can undestroy him somehow
Emma:  Afraid not

Pete:  I know.  Deligation.  I'll get the rock to press the button.
Emma:  How can a rock press a button?
Pete:  Through my excellent aim.

Emma:  You can't throw a rock at the machine.  It may get damaged.
Pete:  The rock or the machine?
Terr:  You guys, need a hand?
Pete:  Who are you?
Emma:  Terrence?

Terr:  The machine's started.  Pete - move into place
Pete:  Right
Terr:  And let me take you away from this, Emma.

Pete:  .o(Smoking)