| CARVIEW |
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I have no one.
I have landed onto the all-too familiar place of being alone.
Not in solitude. Alone.
Devil and I have broken up, and here I am.
I don’t know what to say.
Perhaps I am doomed to be alone forever.
As I said in my last post way back, ‘you were the last high.’
Fuck it if you will be.
I miss you tonight…
Like the last breath misses the next…
I miss you.
I gotta have you.
—
Someday, the perfect happiness will find me.
Or I’ll find it.
Whichever comes first.
I’ll wait or I’ll die waiting.
I’ll pursue it someday.
I now vomit after I eat…
Not immediately after..
But after a meal.
I can’t handle food anymore.
I just can’t.
—-
I’m seeing my psychiatrist later. Oh Lordy.
My new psychosis, depersonalization, sucks.
I feel like my body isn’t mine.
And when I lie down, my body and my arms are connected to the world and they are THICK and SWOLLEN. And they are NOT MINE.
FUCK.
I’m so tired of this.
—
Was with my Devil earlier today.
Love, love, love it.
Old School love.
My “secret blog” has been banned!
Boo!
So I’ve decided to continue this blog instead.
What’s changed?
Nothing much.
I’ve been doing some naughty stuff recently.
Still smoking like a chimney.
Still madly in love.
Still confused about the metaphysical shit.
I guess that will never change, will it?
Cold showers never take my mind off that.
I’m taking my job seriously.
It’s the only thing to do nowadays…
I can’t help falling in love with you…
…moonlight shines on the fasting labyrinth of my mind.
…I look elsewhere, but the wind blows my visions away.
…My heart is not lonely, but it will be.
….The night devours the smoke from my lips, like a blanket enveloping sorrow.
So many things have happened in my life.
From being a med student, to being a real estate agent, I am now a freelance writer.
I am still schizoaffective.
I went through a horrible stint with what the Archdiocese of Manila’s Chief Exorcist diagnosed as “demonic oppression.”
Yes.
I was haunted. Severely. By demons. In the night. Every night. Like what you see in the movies.
I was exorcised twice.
So anyway, I am now a freelance writer, forced to pay for my own meds, which is why I am forced to go on to clozapine.
Today is my first day on it.
I am tired. I don’t have appetite.
And it ain’t funny that I gained a total of 15 pounds on a combination of Zyprexa and Depakote.
Fuck.
That’s it.
I’m still in love, btw.
The only solid food I had were 5 pcs. of Mentos.
Oh no.
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The Calamity of Touch