A week after I returned home to Malaysia, I attended my convocation. Two weeks later, I started my first job.

I’m so far keeping in touch with three people: Ricky the Indonesian, Chennie and another girl from China.

I’ve not kept in touch with any of my Malaysian friends after this trip was over, and neither have they with me. (Told you it was pointless to have mended things.)

Would I go back? If the friends I made with then are going back, I would seriously consider it.

I feel like I’ve changed from this experience. I feel bitter and wary of people. I haven’t grown more independent back home, but now I think I have less fear if I were to travel by myself for a short period of time (say, travelling to Singapore by bus or something).

But I’ve also known people from other countries, people who can be a lot like me in many ways. I accomplished what I came here for, even though I had to do it alone. I didn’t lose weight, but my body was a bit more toned from all the walking. I was actually practising a healthier lifestyle there. I have a better appreciation of my family now, though I don’t think I quite demonstrate that yet on the outside…

In short, I did change. Some for the worse, some for the better

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I’d like to thank you for reading about my first personal journey. Especially you, you and you, for reading and letting me know that you did. I appreciate that a lot.

I supposed this is the end of this blog…

Meals
Breakfast: McDonald’s Sausage & Egg Twisty Pasta
Lunch: Chicken hamburger (from the Library Cafe), prunes
Dinner: Fruits & asam laksa! Burnt my tongue off eating that

Expenses
$99 Beijing Olympics 2008 souvenir (tote bag)
$6 Bus fare
$18 Lunch
$16 Breakfast
$38 Excess baggage
Total $177 (RM74)

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1910
KL Sentral

Today went to Senado Square again to get the tote bag I saw the other day but culdn’t but because the stall was closed. I went with Keyo because I felt bad he had to spend the whole weekend by himself. But withoutout BB, he gets on my nerves.He digs his nose as he pleases, something I find absolutely revolting. Also, he has the typical old man tendency of not listening when someone is speaking and often interrupts.

I decided to go to the airport with him because he’s alone and I can help him (he can’t speak broken Cantonese, I can). But when noon came (my flight was at half past one), he still didn’t return his room card to the university and spent another 20 minutes doing that. I told him about the procedure last Friday but obviously he didn’t listen… Needless to say, I was annoyed and stressed out because I had to check in by ten to one o’clock and I was still waiting for him by twenty past twelve. (I was still running a fever and had to walk down the hill from the campus to get a taxi from the taxi stand to drive up the campus because our luggage is too heavy and many to carry about in the hot afternoon sun.)

We made just in the nick of time. Fortunately, there wasn’t a long line to chick in our luggage. I was only one kilo overweight; that’s less than what I’ve brought to Macau! But this time I bought a backpack and used my tote bag as hand luggage to keep all the heavy books for my lecturer.

(Took my flight and reached the airport in Malaysia safely. Had to wait a bit for luggage to come, then I had to run to catch the bus to KL Sentral while my friends were picked up by their parents. Yeah, nobody waited for me at the airport this time.)

Now waiting for Father to fetch me home.

I did it! I went to Disneyland all by myself. Granted, I took a tour so it was the easier route, but I’d never had done that on my own if I were still in good, tolerable terms with them. But I’ve always I went on this trip purely for Disneyland, and I’m glad I didn’t let my dependency and fear of being alone stop me from doing what I want.

Yesterday, it was somewhat of a long wait before I finally reached Disneyland; around late morning, almost noon actually. In my mind it’s late but in truth it was more than enough because I was ready to drop off by dinnertime! I couldn’t because the bus only came at 9.45, after the closing fireworks.

Was it lonely roaming around a place teeming with people who came with friends or family, everyone except me? it was; I wished Ally could’ve been with me because she’s so good with me when I’m tired or cranky. But I did enjoy myself. The shows were amazing, though the rides are tamer than I expected. They’re still very good, though.

Even though I was lonely, there were parts of that I appreciated. First, I get to do whatever I want whenever I want. Second, I didn’t have to look out for friends or be afraid I’ll get separated from them in the crowd. Third, because I’m mentally prepared to do this alone, I actually enjoyed myself, to a level.

I was exhausted by the time the bus picked us up. I had to fight sleepiness and nausea all the way home. I reached the hostel at almost 1am. So tired, I didn’t even wash my face or brush my teeth. Just changed and dropped!

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Woke up at half past four because had to go to the toilet. Once hair is dry would be leaving for my real coming-of-age trip of sorts. Wel, it’s not really that real since in essence I just need to find the travel agent in Hong Kong and everything else should be taken care of.

So… this is the end. of the course, that is. A day I wished would come so that it’ll be closer to the day I really wish would come sooner.

I want to write some more, but I feel uneasy. I’m probably nervous going out of the island alone.

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Today is the last official day of the course. We should be getting our certificates in class later. Then I guess it’s the usual picture-taking and impulsive-hugging and naive-wishing of going to the course next year. This is just a summer course, a study holiday – you don’t, if hardly ever, find lifelong friends in such places. We are too different and too far apart.

Yesterday, I picked up my tickets before Pintura class. And before that we had our exam, which is really a mock fashion show. I thought of creating a uniform for this summer course. It was very fun and silly, not like an exam at all. After that, the written test were just questions asking us about the fashion show – that’s it!

So, yes, my tickets. I’m nervous about going to Hong Kong on my own but it’s too late to turn back. I just have to go along crossing my fingers the entire trip.

Also, instead of my plan to get groceries one last time and my Internet fix, I went to the airport to see Dana the Thai off with other friends. Actually, I wanted to see what to do when I have to check in by myself on Monday. Turns out I find out that Keyo is having a flight just after mine, so we decided to go to the airport together. He talks too much, as all old people seem to do, but he is wise and nice and kind and he reminds me of Father in some ways. I think they would’ve enjoyed talking to each other if they ever met.

Then we took a cab back to the library, so I did get my Internet fix. After that, Ricky the Indonesian and Chennie (a Chinese girl I recently got close to in Pintura class) were by the side of the library, just talking about life and I joined in. It was really nice, something I sorely wanted with many people in this course. I don’t believe it’s all about sightseeing and shopping and making new friends when you join such a course.

This is my last art made in Pintura class.

The Portuguese phrase written below means A book is the path to knowledge.

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What really ticks me off is when people use fear as an excuse to avoid any sort of confrontation, even when the situation has become so bad to the point that both parties are giving each other the silent treatment. And what makes me angrier is that I’m accused of being angry at someone when I was noe, and to her it justifies her ignoring me. And this is coming from a person whom I’ve clearly told to be honest with me if she has any problems with me, who knew how I felt about them ignoring the situation and not being honest with me.

I’m so angry and confused. Is this my fault, seeing as the same things are hapening twice? Or I just so happen to be stuck with people who have major avoidance issues?

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Places I Wish I Visited
1. Hac-Sa Beach
2. Coloane
3. Guia Hill (there’s cable car there connecting from some nearby garden)
4. The night market near Red Market
5. A-Ma Temple

It may seem I’ve visited a lot of spots, but remember I was there for a month. And also, Macau is a small place so really, a lot of these tourist spots are near by each other. You can easily visit half the spots I’ve listed in 3 days!

We’ve just finished our visit to the Museum of Macau. This is a lovely place, though I’m sure there are far lovelier gardens in Macau.

I feel pensive, but I’m not sure why. Although my mistakes have made my trip less enjoyable that I would have had, I know this trip was worth it. The excitement, the cost, the sacrifice, the pain, the loneliness, the realisation… I do regret going on this trip, but in retrospect, there’s no way I wouldn’t have gone. If I gave intro my fears, I would have always ask myself What if? and that is worse than knowing by taking the risk.

That pretty much means that I’d go on another trip like this if given the chance, wouldn’t I? As chances like this are so rare, I guess i would probably say yes in the right circumstances.

But that means life is just a long checklist, doesn’t it? Go to a place, visit all the tourist spots, buy the souvenirs, things to show and prove you’ve been there, done that. Collecting one experience after another. But life is like that, isn’t it? You either do something over and over again or you do something and never do it again.

So which is more fulfilling, more meaningful – to do the same things over again, or to do something new every day?

As always, a bit of both. Life is always a bit of both.

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Today I woke up thinking I want to go home. I’m tired of using communcal bathrooms. I’m tired of pork. I’m tired of planning just to fill up my days.

But before I go, there are things I still want to do:

1. Visit a new place.
2. Eat a McDonald’s meal.
3. Eat something new at the library cafe.
4. Something (I meant Disneyland)
5. Take pictures with people I’ll never meet again.

No, fuck it. I just want to go home really, really bad.

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It’s his birthday today. Here in this part of the world, at least. It’s so stupid to think about him still after all that’s happened between us, but I’ve always been the sort of person who finds it hard to get over anybody.

Which is stupid, really, because he has not been there for me, in the most challenging time of my life. He didn’t allow me to be there for him because of his personal problem. He doesn’t want me the way I want him. I keep thinking of the old him; the one who was crazy about me, who would forgive all my tantrums, who tried to fulfill all my demanding wishes.

I know I don’t want him exactly, but the feeling of being loved. But to me he is who i think of when I think of being loved.

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