One Month in Macau

27 July 2008
0745
Hostel room

I did it! I went to Disneyland all by myself. Granted, I took a tour so it was the easier route, but I’d never had done that on my own if I were still in good, tolerable terms with them. But I’ve always I went on this trip purely for Disneyland, and I’m glad I didn’t let my dependency and fear of being alone stop me from doing what I want.

Yesterday, it was somewhat of a long wait before I finally reached Disneyland; around late morning, almost noon actually. In my mind it’s late but in truth it was more than enough because I was ready to drop off by dinnertime! I couldn’t because the bus only came at 9.45, after the closing fireworks.

Was it lonely roaming around a place teeming with people who came with friends or family, everyone except me? it was; I wished Ally could’ve been with me because she’s so good with me when I’m tired or cranky. But I did enjoy myself. The shows were amazing, though the rides are tamer than I expected. They’re still very good, though.

Even though I was lonely, there were parts of that I appreciated. First, I get to do whatever I want whenever I want. Second, I didn’t have to look out for friends or be afraid I’ll get separated from them in the crowd. Third, because I’m mentally prepared to do this alone, I actually enjoyed myself, to a level.

I was exhausted by the time the bus picked us up. I had to fight sleepiness and nausea all the way home. I reached the hostel at almost 1am. So tired, I didn’t even wash my face or brush my teeth. Just changed and dropped!

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26 July 2008
0530
Hostel room

Woke up at half past four because had to go to the toilet. Once hair is dry would be leaving for my real coming-of-age trip of sorts. Wel, it’s not really that real since in essence I just need to find the travel agent in Hong Kong and everything else should be taken care of.

So… this is the end. of the course, that is. A day I wished would come so that it’ll be closer to the day I really wish would come sooner.

I want to write some more, but I feel uneasy. I’m probably nervous going out of the island alone.

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25 July 2008
0555
Hostel room

Today is the last official day of the course. We should be getting our certificates in class later. Then I guess it’s the usual picture-taking and impulsive-hugging and naive-wishing of going to the course next year. This is just a summer course, a study holiday – you don’t, if hardly ever, find lifelong friends in such places. We are too different and too far apart.

Yesterday, I picked up my tickets before Pintura class. And before that we had our exam, which is really a mock fashion show. I thought of creating a uniform for this summer course. It was very fun and silly, not like an exam at all. After that, the written test were just questions asking us about the fashion show – that’s it!

So, yes, my tickets. I’m nervous about going to Hong Kong on my own but it’s too late to turn back. I just have to go along crossing my fingers the entire trip.

Also, instead of my plan to get groceries one last time and my Internet fix, I went to the airport to see Dana the Thai off with other friends. Actually, I wanted to see what to do when I have to check in by myself on Monday. Turns out I find out that Keyo is having a flight just after mine, so we decided to go to the airport together. He talks too much, as all old people seem to do, but he is wise and nice and kind and he reminds me of Father in some ways. I think they would’ve enjoyed talking to each other if they ever met.

Then we took a cab back to the library, so I did get my Internet fix. After that, Ricky the Indonesian and Chennie (a Chinese girl I recently got close to in Pintura class) were by the side of the library, just talking about life and I joined in. It was really nice, something I sorely wanted with many people in this course. I don’t believe it’s all about sightseeing and shopping and making new friends when you join such a course.

This is my last art made in Pintura class.

The Portuguese phrase written below means A book is the path to knowledge.

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24 July 2008
0650
Hostel room

What really ticks me off is when people use fear as an excuse to avoid any sort of confrontation, even when the situation has become so bad to the point that both parties are giving each other the silent treatment. And what makes me angrier is that I’m accused of being angry at someone when I was noe, and to her it justifies her ignoring me. And this is coming from a person whom I’ve clearly told to be honest with me if she has any problems with me, who knew how I felt about them ignoring the situation and not being honest with me.

I’m so angry and confused. Is this my fault, seeing as the same things are hapening twice? Or I just so happen to be stuck with people who have major avoidance issues?

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23 July 2008
1605
Fortress Garden

We’ve just finished our visit to the Museum of Macau. This is a lovely place, though I’m sure there are far lovelier gardens in Macau.

I feel pensive, but I’m not sure why. Although my mistakes have made my trip less enjoyable that I would have had, I know this trip was worth it. The excitement, the cost, the sacrifice, the pain, the loneliness, the realisation… I do regret going on this trip, but in retrospect, there’s no way I wouldn’t have gone. If I gave intro my fears, I would have always ask myself What if? and that is worse than knowing by taking the risk.

That pretty much means that I’d go on another trip like this if given the chance, wouldn’t I? As chances like this are so rare, I guess i would probably say yes in the right circumstances.

But that means life is just a long checklist, doesn’t it? Go to a place, visit all the tourist spots, buy the souvenirs, things to show and prove you’ve been there, done that. Collecting one experience after another. But life is like that, isn’t it? You either do something over and over again or you do something and never do it again.

So which is more fulfilling, more meaningful – to do the same things over again, or to do something new every day?

As always, a bit of both. Life is always a bit of both.

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