Just checking in!

/ Beth S. / Leave a comment

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(Having fun with my iPad! Spent all day cleaning the apartment so I had to take a shot of it!)

I know I have been a negligent blogger lately… But I have an excuse! I got offered temporary full time at my job for their peak season!! 🙂 Even though I like working part time because I had more time to relax and do other things, I want to get my loans paid off and having the oppurtunity to make more money to accomplish that is great. I am enjoying working full time as well, I like getting up early and feeling accomplished with my day! So overall things are busy but good… I’m hoping to find some time to blog more in the near future, but for now the blog is on a bit of a hiatus. There’s only so much time in the day! I do like to post on my Instagram (quite a bit more often than I do here!) so for now please follow me there: Cutthefrills

Until next post!

Time Flies!

/ Beth S. / Leave a comment

Wow! I cannot believe it is almost September already! … and with that almost three months of no blog posts! How very minimalist of me! haha!

Truth be told I actually got a new job in June which changed my life quite a lot! I went from having a variable random schedule to having a nice set weekday only schedule where I can work up to 24 hours and week at almost double the pay I was making at the retail store. Plus, I only really have to interact with my co-workers and pretty much am left alone all day- just how I like it! I cannot believe how much of a difference it has made for my stress level. And even though my family keep pushing a full time job- I like that I only work 20 hours a week. I don’t want to spend all my time at work! It does leave a sense of purpose to be desired but I know I can try to find that elsewhere. And while it definitely won’t make me rich by any means – I am just barely over the poverty threshold for a single income… But at least now I have some steady income whereas before I never knew what I was going to get. And I have been able to make bi-monthly payments to my loans, which is great! I mean, when I look at the full amount and it doesn’t seem to change at all that’s a bit depressing, but at least I know I am getting there! And that makes me feel good.

The downside to this new job is the extra consumption that seems to have happen since. I noticed this a bit when I got the retail job last year- when I got the new job I just “had” to get new clothes to wear and a work bag etc, etc… Which I really didn’t need! And now with this job I have noticed the same thing happened…. To be fair, I did need some new clothes since this is a much more professional/business setting, versus the uber casual clothes need for the retail job. So I did need some nice clothes… I just wish I had been more mindful when I bought the ones that I did. I feel like I just went for things to get quickly even though they didn’t fit perfect or were clothes I really liked. I am really trying right now to be conscious of what I like and stick with it. For example- I have discovered that there are two different types of shirts at Kohl’s that I love. So instead of shopping all over the place trying to find new clothes, I look at Kohl’s for the one dressy shirt type I like and will get that- right now I have two of the nice tops and would like to get three more over time so I have a full week’s worth, and donate the rest of my ‘work’ tops that I don’t like as much. I just bought a few more of one of their casual shirts because they are super comfortable and flattering for my body type and pretty durable since I bought the same kind last year and it’s still holding up. And it’s 3/4 sleeve, yet not too heavy, so I can wear it all year long. I plan on sticking to those shirts. I like them and I wear them, and I don’t need any others. So, as always, minimalism is a work in progress.

I just really need to be aware of my shopping problem. I think another part of the issue is shopping is pretty much the activity that my mom and I do together. We don’t do much else, and that does make me sad but I just enjoy spending time with her so if shopping is what we are doing than that’s fine with me. But it definitely makes it easy to accumulate more things… It also doesn’t help that I feel like shopping is a national pastime. Whenever I am bored or I want to go out we always seem to go shopping. And that makes me sad. And most of the time when the boy and I do go shopping I am either mixed with guilt if I do buy something or I am depressed because I told myself no and I didn’t and then I just think I wasted time. And neither of those are good things to feel!

So self: Be aware of the urge and be disciplined enough to say no. Go for a walk or go ‘shopping’ at the library. Be mindful of what I already have and know that it is enough. Don’t be afraid of new things but know yourself and what you like and be honest with yourself.

I think that is all for now- apologies if this post is a bit scatterbrained! I need to get back in the groove of writing more often!

Short Post, Simple Joys: Morning Routine

/ Beth S. / 1 Comment

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Sadly this picture is not the breakfast I had this morning, but it is a nice picture 😉

Today I did something that doesn’t often happen- I accomplished a morning routine! I woke up a little after 6:30, and thought that maybe it would be nice to go for a walk. And, for once, I actually did! I spent a wonderful hour walking/running/short break watching the river. I took a nice cold shower when I got back. Then I hand washed my exercise clothes since I only have the one pair. After that I made a healthy breakfast of egg white omelet with some avocado (and some coffee of course!), and then somehow managed to meditate for 20 minutes. And followed that with reading a bit! All before 11 am!

I am definitely one of those people who can never seem to get into the morning routine so this morning was refreshing. Instead of just spending the whole morning staring at my computer screen or tv I actually accomplished some things. I need to remember how good it feels. Especially the morning walking. I never want to do it but when I do I feel very good afterwards.

So I will have to try to remember these things to keep it up!

Accepting Limitations

/ Beth S. / Leave a comment

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There are a lot of days where I tend to beat myself up for my past choices.

I hate that I do it because I know it really doesn’t do me any good… Lately I’ve been trying to allow myself to accept that there are just some things I cannot do. So what if I went to college to study nursing and couldn’t hack it? That I couldn’t make it work as a Veterinary Technician either? Does that make me a bad person? No. Did I just not try hard enough? Maybe. Could I have pushed through my anxieties? Maybe. But maybe not.

I probably could have forced myself through nursing school… Or I could’ve failed out. I ran towards Vet Tech as a career because I thought maybe I could do nursing if it wasn’t with people but with animals (boy was I wrong! Note to social anxiety resources that have Vet Tech as a good option- it isn’t. You interact with people A LOT! Shelter work is better social anxiety wise. End note!).

But I am tired of running.

I am trying to accept that I’m not that great at many things. Sure I’m a decent artist, might be able to make a little chump change with that skill, but I’m no professional. I’m not particularly social obviously. I get anxious easily. I get overwhelmed easily. I cry easily. I’m not competitive. Sometimes my memory is horrible. I don’t have any great skills or connections. I don’t have any great dreams or grand desires to be in charge or run the world or be famous.

But you know- so what!

Being all of those things does not make me a bad or less worthwhile person. It just makes me who I am. I’m tired of trying to fight that. I feel it is time I start accepting my limitations and from there try to better them little by little, rather than scrutinizing my entire being completely constantly. Yeah, if modern society collapsed or the zombie apocalypse came I probably wouldn’t last long. But, maybe I would. Not constrained by the way the world works now in it’s competitive, materialistic culture. Or maybe I am idolizing ancient ways of living and / or farm life. That’s completely possible. I probably wouldn’t survive a zombie take over though- that’s for sure.

I am not less of a person because I am not perfect.

I was not meant to be a nurse, for either people or animals, and I shouldn’t feel bad about that (even though I do feel bad about my debt from schooling). I think I am much happier now that I have accepted this fact instead of trying to force it to work and stress myself to death in the process. I don’t know what I am meant to be, and I don’t think I should feel bad about that either. I know many people don’t find their calling until later in life. Maybe I will find mine, maybe I won’t. But obsessing about the past won’t help. Feeling bad about failing in life certainly won’t make me more successful.

So for right now I think I just need to focus on the present and doing the best I can do and enjoying every moment I have, since, you never know, the zombie apocalypse might come tomorrow and then I’ll be dead anyways 😉

On Feeling Pointless…

/ Beth S. / 2 Comments

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Right now I seem to be at a point in my life where I just don’t know what to do with myself…

I am really struggling with that.

When I was in high school I had a goal- to do what I was supposed to do and get good grades in order to go to college. I did very well in high school. Went to college and majored in nursing because it’s what I was supposed to do. Realized nursing and I were not a match meant to be and switched to art therapy because I loved art and psychology and it would allow me to graduate on time. Senior year began panicking because art and jobs aren’t easy to come by, so I gave myself a new goal. I decided to pursue Veterinary Technology thinking it would be a more secure career path. But that didn’t turn out so great either, and now here I am working a dead end retail job…

I just miss having a destination. All my life I had one, and now I don’t. I just don’t know what to do with that feeling. As the title of this post implies, I feel pointless. I feel empty.

And most of the time I don’t know what to do about it.

I am not making any plans to pursue another degree in the near future (only for that to turn out to be another failed attempt at something). I need to pay my student debt off first before I do anything else. I need to take responsibility for that. I wouldn’t even know where to start for choosing another path anyway. I try to look for jobs until I feel so depressed I end up crying my eyes dry, but most jobs require experiences I don’t have, acquaintances I don’t know, or education I cannot afford. And that doesn’t even include my anxieties. So it is really hard. But I am trying.

I try to live in the moment as much as possible. I know I am not the best at it, especially when my brain continues to feel pointless all the time, but I am trying more now. I feel like I should maybe try and volunteer somewhere to give myself some purpose. Social anxiety just makes it really hard to put myself out there though… I should also make more art. I always say I should but then never get around to actually doing it. Should, should, should.

So yeah, bottom line is feeling pointless and aimless sucks, and I am still processing through these feelings I think. But hopefully I will either find my purpose or make my own. And for the time being I just have to focus on life one day at a time. Maybe that’s all I really need to do.