red riding odin hood

There's something about mom and her dreams. She thinks she's some kind of a clairvoyant. When there's a death in the family I'd often hear her say she had dreamt of that person just hours or days before the person's passing, like it was an omen. Or sometimes she would share about having dreamt of dead relatives warning her about something. One time I had a pretty big problem and I was quiet about it at first, but when she found out about it she goes telling me she knew something was wrong and she had a dream about it. Growing up she'd often tell us to trust our gut and follow our intuition. I guess maybe that's why I always pay attention to my dreams.

A few days ago I got a message on facebook from my mom who is now in the United States. She told me she just had a dream about me but didn't really share any details about it. She just told me she misses and loves me, she's praying for me, and reminded me to take good care of myself.

Hours later, this message was followed by text messages from my brothers whom I haven't seen for a couple of months because I haven't been coming home in our house in Quezon City. They were all checking up on me like something bad had happened. I assumed and later on found out that Mom messaged them as well about her dream and told them to check up on me.

Perhaps you could call it a mother's intuition, for indeed I think I might be going through something tough. We haven't had any communication for almost two months now yet through a dream she realizes I might be going through something or something bad might happen to me.

With all this in mind, I was moved to think a little further.

What if the worst is to happen soon. What if I'll die in the next couple of hours or days?

The thought just made me really sad. Even more sad than I already was at that time. I got really sad that I went out on a shopping spree for a couple of days. I got myself a whole new outfit like how my Mom would take me out shopping on my birthday or on Christmas. I got myself new shoes, jeans, shirts, underwear, socks, and handkerchief. Would've bought a new watch and belt had I not run low on budget. Then I treated myself to a really nice dinner at a pretty expensive restaurant then watched a movie. Even took time to go have a massage.

Now as I sit here, reflecting on those things I've done, I guess when I die I wanted to look and feel good. I wanna die feeling good about myself. I wanted to feel well taken care of and well loved.

Does it seem superficial? I wonder if this is how people are when they are about to die? Does it come to them in dreams or gut feel?

If indeed I am to die really soon, NOW seems to be a perfect time, while I am in this feeling of momentary pleasure or temporary state of happiness. I'd probably sleep tonight wearing my new stuff just in case I die in my sleep and hope they let me wear casual clothes in my funeral. I wouldn't want to be wearing formal coat and tie or formal barong. I wanna be dressed comfortably inside my black casket.

I kinda wish I'd die now as I lay here.

Good night!






Note:
I pre-scheduled to publish this post on Halloween night. So it would be kinda spooky if  indeed I actually died around the time of writing.

You sat there smiling at me.

I asked "is this real?"

It felt so real but apparently it was just a dream. Maybe this just proves how much I wanted to see you. Perhaps I badly need your presence.

You just smiled at me. I really wanted to touch your face. I bet it would feel warm and gentle. I also wanted to put my arms around you but I had to stop myself from doing so. I'm not yet that good with lucid dreams. I feared that if I tried to control the dream too much that I might lose the moment. So I just tried to savor the moment for as long as I could.

Eventually the inevitable happened. The moment was lost and drifted to a crowded place. People were talking, walking by.

I tried looking for you. I just miss you and I really wanted to see you so bad. Even if I know it was just a dream I am willing to fool myself to having that moment.

Then the emotions just started to build up as I realize that I'm not going to see you again in that dream, not anytime soon.

In the end I woke up crying.

Just another dream.

I
seriously
hate
YOU
for
forgetting!

But this I probably would never forget.