Customer: “Do you have books on science, but for kids?”

Me: “We do! How old is the child in question?”

Customer: “Twelve, but we might need to go younger.”

Me: “How young?”

Customer: “I asked him what a solid was, and he said it was when someone does you a favor.”

Me: “So… first grade?”

I’m guiding a rafting group on a river. We’re finishing up, and I’m guiding everyone to the jetty we use at the end of the tour. One of the tourists looks confused.

Tourist: “This isn’t where we started? How’d we get here?”

Customer: “Hey! Can you help me? I’m looking for [famous brand] spicy tomato ketchup! The shelf label says there should be some, but it’s not where it’s supposed to be!”

Me: “Yes, of course, let me check with you.”

It’s a bit strange because that aisle was being restocked two hours ago, but what do I know? I walk up to the aisle with the customer, and she starts gesticulating towards the shelf.

Customer: “See, it’s not where it should be, and I can’t find it.”

I look and see a dozen bottles of [famous brand] spicy tomato ketchup, exactly where they’re supposed to be. The first one in the row, though, is turned backwards and the label faces the back of the shelf. Probably someone took it and put it back the wrong way. I turn it the right way and show her the label, but instead of thanking me she goes on a rant.

Customer: “How was I supposed to know what it was? I know you people turn the bottles the wrong way on purpose to confuse people!”

Me: “Ma’am, no, we would never do that, we try and limit interactions with angry customers like you!”

Well… that’s what I wanted to say. What I said for real was more like:

Me: “Sorry for the inconvenience. Can I help you with anything else?”

A caller I got at my technical help desk in the late nineties still lives rent-free in my brain:

Me: “So the computer isn’t powering on at all?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “Is it plugged into an outlet?”

Caller: “Kinda.”

Me: “What does kinda mean?”

Caller: “I couldn’t reach the outlet on the wall, so it’s plugged into a power strip.”

Me: “And the power strip is working fine? It’s plugged into the wall outlet, too?”

Caller: “Well, the power strip’s cable doesn’t reach all the way to the wall outlet either.”

Me: “So what is that plugged into?”

Caller: “The power strip.”

Me: “Yes, what is it plugged into?”

Caller: “I told you, the power strip!”

Me: “The power strip is plugged into… the power strip?”

Caller: “Yes. Is that bad?”

Me: “Not if you’ve invented perpetual energy…”

This was about ten years ago, when I was getting my driver’s license. I already passed the theoretical (written) test and have finalized an appointment with my driving instructor and the examiner for my actual driving exam, and paid for it up front. I have been repeatedly told that if I cancel the appointment less than twenty-four hours in advance, I will not get a refund on my examination fee – several hundred Euros!

The day before my driving exam, I came into work (retail) and saw that the schedule had been changed so that, despite requesting the next day off, I am suddenly scheduled to work the day of my exam, while my boss (the store manager) has taken the day off herself. I immediately seek her out. 

Note that I’m still in vocational training and quite young. My boss is only a few years older than I am, so she sometimes feels like she needs to go on a bit of a power trip to remind everyone of the hierarchy at work.

Me: “Boss, I’m sorry, but the new schedule doesn’t work for me. I requested tomorrow off for my driving exam, and it was approved weeks ago.”

Boss: “Well, I wasn’t told. You need to let me know these things in advance. I have plans with my boyfriend tomorrow that I can’t cancel.”

Me: “I can’t cancel my exam on such short notice either. I’ll be out several hundred bucks if I do!”

Boss: “Well, you can’t go. Figure something out.”

Me: “But the only excuse for me to cancel at this point would be with a doctor’s note.”

Boss: “See? It’s that simple. Get one of those, and then you can come into work.”

Me: “Um… I’m not sure that’s even legal. I won’t be insured if I come into work when I have a doctor’s note.”

Boss: “It’s not like anything ever happens here; you’ll be fine.”

I decide to drop it and do, in fact, get up super early the next morning so I can just walk into my doctor’s office before all the appointments start. I explain to him exactly what is going on and that I’m not actually sick, but my boss is making me do this so I won’t lose the bigger part of my trainee wage (which is FAR below minimum wage, I might add).

Doctor: “Okay, I get where you’re coming from. And while I don’t approve of the method, you’re in a real s***ty situation due to no fault of your own, so I will make an exception this one time. Here’s your doctor’s note for today, so you don’t lose money on that driving test your boss doesn’t want you to take. But I also don’t want you to go into work, got it? If your boss gives you s*** about it, tell her to call me, or you can call your HR and tell them to call me. I’ve got you covered.”

So, I call into work (and the driving exam) sick and spend the entire day quietly panicking about my boss’ reaction. 

When I get back to work the next day, she is seething, but subdued. Turns out she had to cancel her plans with her boyfriend and cover for me. But she can’t fault me or write me up for it because then she’d have to explain herself to HR, and that would get HER into trouble more than me – HR really doesn’t like hearing that a store manager forces people to come into work despite having a doctor’s notice, I’m told.

My boss never talked to me about it again, and the next time I requested a day off for my new driving exam appointment, it was quietly approved, and no changes to the schedule happened the entire week.

CORRECTION: A swear word has been censored.